Garden Thief

Bastard wants your veggies

A Garden Thief or Garden Thieves are the worst kind of thief because they wait to the middle of the night and come to your vegetable garden to steal your cucumbers and melons and in the act of doing this they break the stalks of your tomato plants and smash them worthless underfoot.
Now I have been told that if it was my bike, my mail or my Tv then I'd be right in assuming it was a black man but since the melons were cantaloupes and not watermelon, nothing that can be deep-fried or served with chicken was stolen then it was most likely not a black man and I should ask myself if there are horny girls in my neighborhood that like a snack after schlicking, Jews or DING DING DING some piece of shit hipster, that paid way too much for his house and I have seen out in the middle of the night collecting cans from recycling bins to sell.

Jewish Law And Garden Thieves

Schnitzel says I should buy a gun. I'm a big fan of the .357

File:1schnauzer111.jpg

The problem with Girl Friends is they say if you have $900 to buy a gun you should get a Schnauzer instead.

According to Jewish Law, if the poor come to your fields, or garden, it is often seen as hospitality or a good thing to let them take from it. On the other hand, the poor are only expected to eat only enough until they are no longer hungry, not take anything with them when they leave or do any harm to the plants.
This rule exists because it is believed that because G-D has been generous to you by giving you plants that produced food then you must be generous as well when it comes to sharing that same food. Inhospitality is one of the words sins in the eyes of G-D in the Jewish Faith and some Christian faiths believe the same. G-D has burnt cities like Sodom and Gomorrah for the sin of inhospitality so you should never be gready with G-D's gift of bounty.
These laws say nothing about assholes who steal everything and break your plants. I assume this would fall under the Laws of Moses and if you catch the D-bag they'd have to replace what they stole plus the plants they broke. Despite the advice of some of ED's sysops on what I should do if I catch this thief, the problem with the law is they could literally sit there with a Syringe and shoot poison in every one of my tomatoes but if I lay a hand on them it's Assault.
I must admit The PondCat has a decent plan. Step 1: Move to Florida.

Hillbilly Justice

I think The PondCat is looking for some part time work because he suggested a Garden Ninja

Yippie Kay Yay Mother Fucker.
Guns, booze and wincest. Ooooh, we're talking really Old, Old, Old Testament and the ideas that made America the greatest Country that is the world.
I love the whole idea of hiding in a corn row with a double barrel shotgun and waiting for the D-Bags to show up that have been stealing from my secret Herb garden in the middle of my corn field and blowing off the back of their heads.
If there're any survivors left, if they're male, I make them have sex with each other by arguing the point that I'm the guy with the gun and then haul them off to jail wile I upload the video to youtube or use them as fertilizer. The best part, is if this ever goes to trial my grandpa is the judge, my dad is the county sheriff and my brothers and sisters will be the jury.
Now I know why Hillbillies are always so damn happy.