Kevin Underwood

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I love the Powerglove. It's SO bad.

Guess who's coming to dinner!

Kevin Underwood is a SA Goon who may constitute conclusive proof that Goons are actually now below even /b/tards in the internet food chain. He was convicted on 29th February 2008 of epic, epic, EPIC fail.

Underwood planned to lure children to his home for pwnage purposes and in the end settled upon one Jamie Rose Bolin, who came to his fortress of failure to play with his pet rat.

He chose to kill her using a chopping board, thwapping her comedically around the head with it over and over and over with her crying and screaming all the time. He estimates that it took as long as twenty minutes.

After that he was planning to decapitate, rape, cook and eat the body, but decided in his infinite wisdom that a kitchen knife would prove adequate to the task of sawing through a human vertibrae.

Police records claim he was slipping on a banana peel, shaking his fist and saying "UH-OH! SPAGHETTI-OS!" when they caught him.

Quotes From The Confession

	“	It was, uh, we went out four or five times, and then she just like stopped returning my calls, and, uh, that was the first and last time I've ever had sex.	„

	“	Sticking large objects in their anus, causing them pain that way. I had some, uh, barbeque skewers, I was gonna poke them through their cheeks. I've got a Barbie doll that I found on the ground a while back, I poked some needles in it. That kind of illustrates what was in my fantasy.	„

	“	I was gonna set the head on my desk so it could like watch me, and, you know keep the corpse in my bed, sleeping with it and having sex with it for a day or two, and then I was gonna start butchering them and cooking them.	„

	“	I was like either do it or tell her to get the hell out.	„

External Links

Crap! I think I know this guy!

• SASS Butte's view on the Kevin
• Full confession. VERY dramatic.
• A discussion of this on somethingawful.
• The Awful Profile.
• SA thread of BAWWWWW over the poor girl.
• The story on Huff's Crime Blog.
• Optymyst.
• TV news report, April 14, 2006 (Video).
• Press conference, April 15, 2006 (Video).
• Kevin arraigned, April 17, 2006 (Video).
• Kevin arraigned, April 17, 2006.
• Kevin's profile.
• Future world ruler? Somehow, I don't think so...
• On MySpace. - deleted and given to someone else
• Kevin's Display Case on Kingdom of Loathing