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| [[File:gloria.jpg|600px|center|]]
| | I hate hoes |
| | I hate hoes |
| | I hate hoes |
| | Oh |
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| {{quote|[[Intellectual Checkmate|Sorry guys...I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.]]| Gloria Tesch, on [[autofellatio]].}}
| | [Chorus:] |
| | | All these hoes is the motherfucking same, |
| | | Play you to the left like a motherfucking lame, |
| [[image:Gloria Tesch.jpg|thumb|right|Gloria Tesch, in all of her borderline [[loli]] glory.]]
| | Call you out you motherfucking name, |
| [[image:Maradonia saga.jpg|thumb|right|Oh man [[you]] would buy this shit so hard.]]
| | Fuck you all lames |
| '''[[Powerword|Gloria Tesch]]''' is a [[teenage]] [[twat]] with a serious case of [[Unwarranted Self-Importance]] because she managed to [[Tubgirl|shit out]] six poorly written fantasy novels via [[Vanity Press|vanity publishing]]. Because her parents are desperate to cling on to any [[Daddy's money lesbian|"talent"]] that their daughter may have, she fancies herself the future J.K. Rowling and is famous beyond any commoner's comprehension, though we all know this is just bullshit as calling her [[TL;DR|800+ page tree-killers]] "glorified doorstops" [[Truth|would be a complete and utter insult to the door]]. Being in [[denial]], she will spawn wave after wave of [[Lie|creatively named]] [[Sockpuppet|sockpuppet accounts]] of people with [[Kitchen|real purpose to society]], such as [[psychiatrist]]s, more esteemed authors, and various other nameless individuals [[Shameless self-promotion|in a desperate attempt to show that the world is eager to line up and suck her hypothetical dick]].
| | I got game! |
| | | I hate hoes, hoes hate me [x4] |
| She reaps in most of her non-existent fame by billing herself as the [[Shit nobody cares about|"world's youngest published author in the world"]]. Most intelligent people know that this is false. The real record for that position is held by <s>[http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/books/news/boy-six-turned-stories-of-his-toys-adventures-into-novel-424732.html/ Christopher Beale], a Swiss six-year-old boy who wrote about his toys.</s> Dorothy Brooks who wrote her first novel as she was four years old. It is pretty likely that both of them are probably better than anything Gloria has spun out.
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| The saga itself, a [[Family Guy|garbage heap of clichés]], [[Forced meme|over-used plot lines]], [[Twilight|child-like world views]] and [[Troll 2|laughable dialogue]], is titled "The Maradonia Saga". She wrote and published the first "book" before she was fourteen, which is highly noticeable in its large-print-slapped-together and total lack of quality-controlled glory. She was then urged on by her family [[Jew Gold|for unknown reasons]] to continue the series, which now has six novels overall. Despite self-initiated claims of praise and adulation, [[it is a mystery]] as to why [[Shit|these books]] haven't been picked up by a real publishing company.
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| | [D Roc:] |
| | Forreal bitch, don't take the shit wrong |
| | Thinking I'm nice I'll break you jawbone |
| | Get the fuck on |
| | Leave me alone |
| | Bitch you better go on |
| | See, you all hoes ain't optimistic |
| | Cockblockin bitches |
| | you unproper bitches |
| | What's the problem bitches? |
| | you say your nigga hurt your feelins |
| | Well, hoes done hurt mine |
| | Not once, not twice, |
| | But bitch all the time |
| | So I'm a dog to a broad |
| | Have 'em all crying, |
| | I done cried before, |
| | That don't make me a hoe |
| | That just show me where my feelins ain't supposed to go |
| | See, I got the magic stick you dumb bitch |
| | Other nigga you fuck with, be on some punk shit |
| | And I'm gonna show you all I don't need no help, |
| | Just as soon as I loosen my belt |
| | BITCH! |
| == The Author Herself == | | == The Author Herself == |
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| {{quote|Q: What made you want to write a full-length novel at such a young age?
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| A: Well, anything can suggest a story to me. [[HAHAHA OH WOW|If I hear just one sentence, that would be all I need to create a whole story]]. I see real pictures and I write them down. Also, my love for fiction and fantasy played a role to inspire me. I love reading lots of books, sometimes up to five different books per week.| Gloria Tesch, [http://www.maradonia.com/reviews.html not realizing that People and Teen Magazine don't count as books].}}
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| The saga of Gloria Tesch begins like any other. Being an average student in the [[Prison|Florida public school system]], she had few opportunities to break herself from the [[Blowjob|stereotypes that plague women today]]. That was, until an English teacher gave their class a "creative writing" assignment. In order to adhere to [[W|national guidelines on grades]], and [[Rush Limbaugh|to get high off painkillers]] while the little shits worked on their assignment, the teacher just gave everybody in the class an "A" on their work. Everyone else simply went about to their next assignment and didn't care, but Gloria's parents were shocked that their daughter could actually write legible English on a keyboard, and her life [[Bel Air|got flipped, turned upside down]]. Her parents instantly dropped her out of the public schooling system and [[Sweatshop|commissioned her to develop this assignment into a series of books]]. It shouldn't come as a surprise that with the constant coddling and unchecked adulation, Gloria's ego spiraled higher than even [[Snapesnogger|the most flamboyant dramawhore]].
| | I've got hoes (I've got hoes) |
| | In different area codes (area) area codes (codes) |
| | Hoes (hoes...hoes) in different area codes (area) area |
| | codes (codes) |
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| Being the retarded nobody that she is, [[Dox|Gloria put her real name, photos, and location on the internets]]. This in itself is begging to end in [[lulz]] and disaster, just like her books. She lives in Tampa, Florida, so it's not surprising that all of her neighbors pretend to love the books in order to shut her family up. She isn't so lucky online, however, and has had her work deservedly sporked on multiple occasions.
| | [Ludacris] |
| | | Now you thought I was just 7-7-0, and 4-0-4? |
| EDiots are advised that when trolling Gloria it's important to keep in mind that [[victim|she has a cowardly demeanor]]; hiding comments or completely ignoring them. Subtlety is the key here. She hasn't reacted to her criticism much, which leads to less lulz, but she could be the next [[Tara Gilesbie]] if she is prodded in the right direction.
| | I'm worldwide,GET act like ya'll know |
| | | It's the abominable-hoe man |
| Just remember not to troll her ''too'' hard. In case you get [[troll's remorse|troll's remorse]], she lives at 601 E Kennedy Blvd Tampa, FL 33602-4932. Maybe you could call her and tell her how much you [[raeg|love]] her books at (813) 272-5940. Pizzas are always welcome! There's no need for too much remorse, as Tampa, being teh cesspit that it is, has many truck stops. Once the drugs and delusions end, Gloria can start on her obvious career path to becoming a Lot Lizard. As evidenced by her photos, she has many outfits that are extremely well suited (no pun intended) to the profession.
| | Glob-trot international postman |
| | Neighbor-dick dope man |
| | 7-1-8's, 2-0-2's I send small cities and states |
| | IOU's, 9-0-1, matter fact 3-0-5, I'll jump off |
| | the G4, we can meet outside |
| | So control your hormones and keep your drawers on |
| | 'Till I close the door and I'm jumpin your bones, |
| | 3-1-2's, 3-1-3's (oh), 2-1-5's, 8-0 tree's (oh) |
| | Read your horoscope and eat some horderves |
| | Ten on pump one, these hoes is self serve, 7-5-7, |
| | 4-1-0's, my cell phone just overloads |
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| == The Maradonia Saga == | | == The Maradonia Saga == |
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| {{Spoiler|THIS SERIES IS FUCKING TERRIBLE!}}
| | Hoeeeeee (Hoe) |
| | | You's a Hoeee (Hoe) |
| | | You's a Hoe, I said that you's a Hoe (Hoe) |
| [[File:seven bridges.jpg|200px|thumb|center|They say to never judge a book by its cover, but the inside is just as hideous.]]
| | You's a Hoe (Hoe) |
| | | You's a Hoe (Hoe) |
| | | You's a Hoe, I said that you's a Hoe (Hoe) |
| Gloria's books are entitled "Maradonia and the Lost Secret of Kra” or “Maradonia and the Unleashed Beast” - 10th-rate bullshit [[Harry Potter]] rip-offs, proving that the bitch [[Eragon|has no imagination whatsoever]].
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| The "saga" itself has nauseatingly shitty formatting (Kind of like this article, [[amirite]]?), complete with bizarre ellipses in text that result in large white quadruple-spaces, [[PETA|killing more of those poor, innocent trees]], child-like grammar, single quotes for dialogue, and italics along with them to boot. These, coupled with the fact that they are in large print, only amplifies the lame failure of this series.
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| {{quote|It was a difficult situation but the men in the camp stood closely together as one strong force and were ready to fight for their freedom and for their commanders Joey, Maya and Captain Goran.
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| 'It is wonderful to see when the people in this camp believe in their leaders and commanders but it is more wonderful when the leaders believe in their people,' said Joey and continued, 'maybe the time will come or has already come that we as leaders of this camp will pay a price to carry out our calling!'
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| '[[Phantom of the Opera|Bravo, Bravo, Bravissimo…]]' interrupted Gertrude, 'most people think that we are the bad ones but basically we bring peace to the world. My two friends and I have agreed [[The Godfather|to make you an offer which you cannot reject.]]'
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| “And what is this diabolical offer?' asked Maya standing between Joey and General Goran.
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| 'This is not a diabolic offer. It is an honest offer because we are ready, willing, able and we have also agreed that we will let your men go free.
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| They are all free to go home and they can take all their belongings and possessions with them and go back to their families.'
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| 'You will let them go home?' Goran asked.
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| 'Yes, they can go home… all of them. They do not have to fight our army of over ten thousand men which has your camp surrounded.'
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| The army of ten thousand also cheered when they heard that they had not to fight.
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| 'Under one condition, of course, will we let them go free…
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| The condition is that Maya and Joey give their lives freely as human sacrifices in honor of our lord Abbadon the son of the great Apollyon.'| A sample of the [[shit|pure genius]] that is the Maradonia Saga.}}
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| But even all that is overshadowed by the sheer [[faggotry]] of <!--<del>it's</del>--> its <!--Try using correct punctuation before you start criticizing somebody else's LOL.--> plot. The story is about a pair of teenagers named [[Mary Sue|Maya]] and [[Gary Stu|Joey]], two characters so flawless and perfect that even the [[DisneyFan01|most blatant of Sues]] pale in comparison (examples: Joey's project {a poster} was so unbelievably amazing that it was commended by the White House and Maya is a beloved, talented artist with a black belt in karate and [[Bullshit|can think clearly when deep underwater while her ears are bleeding]]). These two find a secret dimension after [[Buttsecks|a spirited exercise]] in [[Incest|incestuous relations]] that is called the land of Maradonia, which somehow exists several feet away from Earth itself [[Fucking Magnets|without any sort of physical or electrical interference]].
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| They face-off against creatively evil entities as [[Star Wars|"The Evil Empire"]] and "The [[Goth|Gothic]] [[Vampirefreaks|Movement"]] (Yes, they are actually called those names in the book. That is how [[Retard|fucking retarded]] this shit is). The Evil Empire itself led by King Appolyon, [[lolwut|a monarch fairly elected to the throne]]. Apparently the [[Asspie|super special]] heroes have completed a prophecy just by being shat out of their mother's womb, and must complete a quest to overcome the seven bridges or whatever the fuck they are. It shouldn't be a surprise as to how this book will end.
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| [[Facepalm|And there are four more books of this cookie-cutter plot to come]]... Guess how the third-grade representation of good vs. evil will turn out.
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| [[TL;DR]] it's the worst of [[My Immortal]], The Inheritance Saga, Twilight and the works of [[Peter Chimaera]] rolled into one. This book also seems to have a particular feel for [[Plagiarism|"borrowing"]] plot ideas from [[Narnia|The Chronicles of Narnia]], hence the frequent references to [[GodJesus]] in every third paragraph. This shit is bad enough to give you [[AIDs]], kill your dog, rape your family and burn your house to the ground. We are [[ALLCAPS|DEAD. FUCKING. SERIOUS]].
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| | You doing Hoe activity |
| | With Hoe tendencies |
| | Hoes are your friends, Hoes are your enemies |
| | With hoe energy to do what you do |
| | Blew what cha blew, screw what cha screw |
| | Ya'll professional like DJ Clue |
| | You pulling on my coat tail |
| | Now why you think you take a Hoe to a Hoe-tel |
| | Hoe -tell everybody, even the mayor |
| | Reach up in the sky for the Hoe-zone layer |
| | C'mon playa wants to Hoe our ways |
| | Them Hoes neva close, they open like hallways |
| | So here's the Hoe take for your Hoe Hoe crew |
| | And everybody wants some, cuz Hoes gotta eat too |
| ==Drama== | | ==Drama== |
| <big>'''Starting Shit with other Authors'''</big>
| | Mustard on the beat! |
| [[File:Gloria Video Deleted.PNG|thumb|What a fucking pussy.]]
| | I'm different, yeah I'm different (X3) |
| Gloria frequently stirs up shit with other [[teenage]] authors and anybody who criticized her books by [[IM PRESSIN CHARGES|posting bitchy videos]] on [[YouTube]] detailing how retarded other teenage authors and people who don't like her books are.
| | Pull up to the scene with my ceiling missing (X4) |
| | | Middle finger up to my competition |
| [http://confessionsofateenagewriter.wordpress.com/2009/05/20/maradonia-and-the-seven-bridges/ Unfortunately for Gloria somebody tried doing the same to her] and with amazing swiftness she [[delete fucking everything|deleted every-fucking-thing]]. This was completely undone however, when [[Facepalm|she decided to reupload the video on a sock account]].
| | I'm different, yeah I'm different (X3) |
| | Pull up to the scene with my ceiling missing |
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| <youtube>uusCDpy7HwU</youtube>
| | [Verse 1] |
| <b>Gloria after receiving constructive criticism. [[Uwe Boll]] taught her well.</b>
| | Pull up to the scene, but my roof gone |
| | When I leave the scene, bet your boo gone |
| | And I beat the pussy like a new song |
| | 2 Chainz but I got me a few on |
| | Everything hot, skip lukewarm |
| | Tell shawty to bust it open, Uncle Luke on |
| | Got the present for the present and a gift wrapping |
| | I don't feel good, but my trigger happy |
| | But the stripper happy, but they wish they had me |
| | And I wish a nigga would, like a kitchen cabinet |
| | And me and you are cut from a different fabric |
| | I fucked her so good it's a bad habit |
| | Bitch sit down, you got a bad atti' |
| | Gave her the wrong number and a bad addy |
| | You ain't going nowhere like a bad navi |
| | Ass so big, I told her to look back at it |
| | Look back it, look back it |
| | Then put a fat rabbit on the Craftmatic |
| | I am so high...attic |
| | I am so high like an...addict |
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| Beep Beep ima Jeep | | Beep Beep ima Jeep |
I hate hoes
I hate hoes
I hate hoes
Oh
[Chorus:]
All these hoes is the motherfucking same,
Play you to the left like a motherfucking lame,
Call you out you motherfucking name,
Fuck you all lames
I got game!
I hate hoes, hoes hate me [x4]
[D Roc:]
Forreal bitch, don't take the shit wrong
Thinking I'm nice I'll break you jawbone
Get the fuck on
Leave me alone
Bitch you better go on
See, you all hoes ain't optimistic
Cockblockin bitches
you unproper bitches
What's the problem bitches?
you say your nigga hurt your feelins
Well, hoes done hurt mine
Not once, not twice,
But bitch all the time
So I'm a dog to a broad
Have 'em all crying,
I done cried before,
That don't make me a hoe
That just show me where my feelins ain't supposed to go
See, I got the magic stick you dumb bitch
Other nigga you fuck with, be on some punk shit
And I'm gonna show you all I don't need no help,
Just as soon as I loosen my belt
BITCH!
The Author Herself
I've got hoes (I've got hoes)
In different area codes (area) area codes (codes)
Hoes (hoes...hoes) in different area codes (area) area
codes (codes)
[Ludacris]
Now you thought I was just 7-7-0, and 4-0-4?
I'm worldwide,GET act like ya'll know
It's the abominable-hoe man
Glob-trot international postman
Neighbor-dick dope man
7-1-8's, 2-0-2's I send small cities and states
IOU's, 9-0-1, matter fact 3-0-5, I'll jump off
the G4, we can meet outside
So control your hormones and keep your drawers on
'Till I close the door and I'm jumpin your bones,
3-1-2's, 3-1-3's (oh), 2-1-5's, 8-0 tree's (oh)
Read your horoscope and eat some horderves
Ten on pump one, these hoes is self serve, 7-5-7,
4-1-0's, my cell phone just overloads
The Maradonia Saga
Hoeeeeee (Hoe)
You's a Hoeee (Hoe)
You's a Hoe, I said that you's a Hoe (Hoe)
You's a Hoe (Hoe)
You's a Hoe (Hoe)
You's a Hoe, I said that you's a Hoe (Hoe)
You doing Hoe activity
With Hoe tendencies
Hoes are your friends, Hoes are your enemies
With hoe energy to do what you do
Blew what cha blew, screw what cha screw
Ya'll professional like DJ Clue
You pulling on my coat tail
Now why you think you take a Hoe to a Hoe-tel
Hoe -tell everybody, even the mayor
Reach up in the sky for the Hoe-zone layer
C'mon playa wants to Hoe our ways
Them Hoes neva close, they open like hallways
So here's the Hoe take for your Hoe Hoe crew
And everybody wants some, cuz Hoes gotta eat too
Drama
Mustard on the beat!
I'm different, yeah I'm different (X3)
Pull up to the scene with my ceiling missing (X4)
Middle finger up to my competition
I'm different, yeah I'm different (X3)
Pull up to the scene with my ceiling missing
[Verse 1]
Pull up to the scene, but my roof gone
When I leave the scene, bet your boo gone
And I beat the pussy like a new song
2 Chainz but I got me a few on
Everything hot, skip lukewarm
Tell shawty to bust it open, Uncle Luke on
Got the present for the present and a gift wrapping
I don't feel good, but my trigger happy
But the stripper happy, but they wish they had me
And I wish a nigga would, like a kitchen cabinet
And me and you are cut from a different fabric
I fucked her so good it's a bad habit
Bitch sit down, you got a bad atti'
Gave her the wrong number and a bad addy
You ain't going nowhere like a bad navi
Ass so big, I told her to look back at it
Look back it, look back it
Then put a fat rabbit on the Craftmatic
I am so high...attic
I am so high like an...addict
Beep Beep ima Jeep
Rawr rawr ima dinosaur
Hula hoops are cool man
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