Portal:Trolls/Featured Article/Archive

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March 2018

Featured Article - Brittany Venti

Brittany Venti (or Brittany Deer) is an edgy 26 year old trumpette that makes streams pandering to lonely betas on 4chan by flashing her cleavage on Twitch for 12 year old boys. When she's not playing as target practice for horny teens, she's trolling libtards epic style, her most notable example of this is when she went on Shia LaBeouf's He Will Not Divide Us stream and... screamed like an autist and got pick-pocketed by someone right in front of her face. The reason for this being that her eyes are too far off to the side to see anything in front of her.

Despite believing that she is original and coined edgy trolling by girls on Twitch, she is a shameless rip-off of every other e-whore that thinks they're the first to come up with the idea of an edgy girl on the internet that can appeal to chan culture. Unlike every other e-whore, she isn't actually attractive so she compensates by having her tits right in front of the screen as if anybody wants to see them.

To better connect with the people that jerk off to her videos interested in meme culture, she piggybacks on other bigger e-celeb's (such as LeafyIsHere and Baked Alaska) success by flirting with them and trying to get into their pants (even while being in a relationship) and promptly leaves once she is either called out or said e-celeb falls from "grace" and has to get a real job while the internet forgets about them and Tittany hopes that they also forget about her shameless dick sucking to weasel her way into the top. Here's a fun game: Ask her about why she tried dating Leafy and see how long it takes her to block you.

(( Coolest Mutt In The Mill ))

December 2017

Featured Article - William Atchison

William Edward Atchison, also known as AlGore, Vance Stone, FuckYou, and SatanicDruggie (plus a million other aliases that aren't important, due to him being too retarded to stick to a definite one for a long time), was a pasty-faced little runt of a manlet and edgelord , also a suspected relative of Freckle Chan, who was responsible for a school shooting in Aztec, New Mexico on December, 7, 2017, presumably aiming for the high score but only being able to drop two noobs before an heroing. He began a long, slow descent into madness by joining Encyclopedia Dramatica at the age of 11. A decade later, he was so drained of the will to live or accomplish anything that he tried to carry out a school shooting like the many he had obsessively worshiped and cataloged in ED articles. His dreams of attaining immortality were tragically shot down by the fact that he was a useless pussy who couldn't even get past a sofa barricade, just as he had secretly feared all along, which means his article is entertaining in a way he didn't want.

(( FOREVER A FAILURE ))

March 2017

Featured Article - He Will Not Divide Us

He Will Not Divide Us was an art project and protest movement meant to attract liberal morons to a livestream to chant the phrase repeatedly for the duration of the Trump Administration. Due to its location in New York City, thousands of people made pilgrimage to the livestream's location- including trolls from /pol/. The result was a constant battle pitting trolls against SJWs. Due to their creative exploits, the HWNDU project has repeatedly moved locations, only to be constantly challenged in one of the greatest modern acts of IRL Trolling yet!

(( He Will Nut Inside Us! ))

July 2016

Featured Article - Eminem

Eminem (Powerword: "Marshall Bruce Mathers III"), also known as Slim Shady, has become one of the most infamous musicians of all time, through making a career out of offensive and lulzy rap songs. Enemy to soccermoms, conservatards, faggots, liberals and hundreds of millions of others, Eminem has secured millions of dollars through trolling the fuck out of everyone for the lulz. He was notable as fuck during 1998~2005, until ODing from drugs and reviving his career in the late 2000s, focusing on making shitty pop-rap songs that only normies listen to. However, his hard work providing lulzy songs for us all shall not go unnoticed.

(( Hector's Rectum is Real! ))

July 2014

Featured Article - BLACKB0ND

BLACKB0ND or Ryan Galiber is an internet half-nigger who spends his spare time making bait videos for YouTube jewgolds. He is surprisingly wealthy, with the caveat that he obtained said money through welfare and his former KFC career (in which he was speedily dismissed after eating all the chicken wings he came across).

BLACKB0ND's videos do have a purpose, however; he elaborates upon why his opinion is always valid and claims to "speak the truth". His vocabulary would appear to be limited as demonstrated by the repeated use of the terms "clown", "social reject", "exposed", "damage control" and "cocksucker", the last being one which he utilizes to excess, due to an enormous amount of projection.

(( BLACKB0ND ))

March

Featured Article - Cowkitty

Cowkitty (aka Tamara Gray Smith) is an ugly spic cunt with a weird voice and a lisp that makes her sound clinically retarded. She chose the name Cowkitty because that's what you'll see if you're ever desperate enough to look up her dress.

An otherwise unremarkable soul, Cowkitty skyrocketed to internet stardom after rustling the jimmies of Anita Sarkeesian, a notorious feminist who has spent years trolling gamers with her shitty YouTube videos. This has made Cowkitty a legend in the eyes of Reddit and a symbol for the hordes of angry neckbeards who have a raging hateboner for Sarkeesian.

(( COW KITTY ))

January

Featured Article - Kari Ferrel

Kari Ferrel is a lot of things. She is a hipster. She is a gook. She is a criminal, Jew, she wants you to throw your hot dog down her hallway and she is wanted has been BUSTED for over $60,000 in bad checks in Salt Lake City, Utah. She has a sick chest tattoo of a phoenix or some nonsense and her hipster hip is adorned with an adorable "I <3 Beards" tattoo.

(( KARI FERREL ))

November 22, 2013

Featured Article - Conspiracy Theory

Conspiracy Theory is a secret cabal whose only design is to keep you from getting laid. There are forces aligning against your attempts to make money. Secret societies are lining up and scheming just so that you will never be successful. Mysterious factions gather under the full moon, attempting to bring the downfall of the world, just so that you will never lose weight, be attractive, or stop smelling like cheese. All of these things, these Conspiracy Theories, are the average internet slob’s excuse as to why he or she has become and remains such a goddamned loser. All conspiracy theories revolve around two things, fail and money.

(( CONSPIRACY THEORY ))

June 6, 2013

Featured Article - Bill O'Reilly

Bill O'Reilly is a batshit insane old media hack and conservative shill. Like Glenn Beck, O'Reilly is not, strictly speaking, a "journalist", however he is considered a "pundit" and therefore doesn't know what he's talking about. When he isn't on a NAMBLA retreat with his good friend and founder of Fox News, Rupert Murdoch, he likes to yell at people and call them idiots because he can't wrap his brain around intellectual ideas which do not involve "mastering" his favorite pastime. Despite claims of an independent political viewpoint, Bill is a typical conservative butt-puppet.

(( YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT ))