Ngcb

The Nevada Gaming Control Board, sometimes called the gestapo or one really tired group that should have been put out of its misery Eons ago, is a collection of the most bureaucratic, backward, inbred group of malcontents and entitlement seekers ever known. The "agency" as they like to refer to themselves hasn't quite figured out that there is a whole big world out there that can do things like deposit money in an ATM, and draw it back out again. They think a "system" is something you use with old fashioned ledger paper. They think math is hard, so they make it up as they go. Best of all, they think the Atari 2600 is some really risky shit to let out into Casinos everywhere. They are still deliberating whether Pong is an acceptable piece of technology to be let on the floor.

The NGCB sorta forgut that, like every other state in the union has legalized gambling, so Nevada doesn't really have the monopoly on cool places to gamble, grab a nice piece of ass, and maybe have a cocktail to celebrate. They have a "Technology Division" that still is concerned with vacuum tubes and hand cranked coin counters. They have a division of auditors that know how to sleep, act like they put in 8 hours a day, and read the newspaper - all the while citing violations for not having enough toilet paper to wipe the asses of those whom they do not believe took a shit quite right.

They do have some really powerful people (or at least those who like to think they are powerful) who spend many hours in front of the mirror just making sure they flip their badges open correctly, so to scare the lowly casino employees who actually pay these weasels' paychecks!

To their credit, they came up with some on-line poker standards so those businesses would purposely run massive losses, and end up printing so much paper a 3 cart Fed Ex truck couldn't deliver all the paper for one day. "It's their problem!" according to the NGCB. Sort of like Marie Antoinette saying "Let them eat cake!" Except this time there won't be a beheading, just a nice shrinking gaming business that won't need them around as much while the industry dies a slow and agonizing death.

Divisions

The board is made up of 6 divisions, all of which operate as little tiny kingdoms with pissing matches going on between each. The divisions are run by Chiefs who seem to have penis envy for each other. We know of at least two that drive big expensive vehicles to make up for smaller genitalia. One of the Chiefs is probably most likely to have been a man at one time, but cross dresses attempting to pass herself off just like Cartman's Mom. Just don't mess with her - she can take your head off with her knee! (For the record, we still want to know who the mother of its kid is), just sayin... The Chief of Technology Division lives to suck one's very soul, making most lose the will to live. His idea of fun is kicking around old ladies, yelling at people who have to put up with his smug bullshit, and showing off his high rising "truck". The Audit Division Chief has threatened to take his balls away, but she couldn't find them. Likely this is what contributes to his perpetual bad mood and his propensity for assholiness. He specializes in tormenting women who won't put out or just simply laugh hysterically when he tries to get them to.

The divisions are as follows:

1. Administration
2. Audit
3. Investigations
4. Tax and License
5. Technology
6. Enforcement

Gaming Regulatory "Model"

So the board has these really old things they like to call "regulations". The only problem is that most of them were written when Jesse James was still in diapers. Getting licensed in the state to even piss on the GCB lawn costs enough to feed a small country for a decade. Hey, they gotta support, what, something like 20,000 lazy hard working government employees somehow!

Then there are these ingenious things called MICS, which at first one might think stand for Might Initiate Crapping Session. OH no! These babies are micromanaging to the Nth degree. They get so detailed, they tell you exactly step by step the process by which you may take an orderly shit. They are sort of like mold in that the sit in dark places and grow double their size every five years. Come to think of it, maybe they evolved from an amoeba (or the amoeba evolved from the MICS). Either way, they really serve no useful purpose except to frustrate the general public and make GCB employees feel like they are contributing something to society.

The board has barely figured out that the internet exists and that people can actually fill in a form if given the chance. Problem is, they want them signed manually after printing them and then mailing or (God forbid) fax'in them in. Can we say 1990's here we come?

Lately, there have been a lot of changes in the law (hell, stealing a car might not be a crime at this point), but it usually takes them around 7 to 10 years to update or even publish something to let everyone know that they know it happened. Except everyone knows they know, but they don't know how they will communicate how they know and when they know. This is because people will start asking "What Now?!" Then they'd have to answer a question, but that doesn't work see, cuz they answer your question with a question that go back to those things called MICS and Regs that just talk about the earth cooling or some such bullshit.

Licensing and Humiliation

Occasionally there are some parties who dare come to Nevada thinking that they can enter the gaming industry. Whoa, not so fast fella!! The board likes to charge these fees for investigating a person going all the way back to what kind of crayons crayons he or she ate in the first grade. The fees get so high that they could feed a small country for a decade or more. Hey, Nevada has to do something about its really bad budget problems, so why not assrape newcomers.

Now that the fun of being investigated into what color a newcomer's snot balls are has just begun, plan on having everything you've ever done wrong being not only uncovered, but broadcast for the whole world to hear! If you've been fucking the office slut, pray to god your wife is either on vacation or home watching QVC. It's all gonna be talked about and you will be mocked mercilessly, but if you survive the fire without spontaneous combusting you'll win your "privilege" to play in Nevada's rain deer games!

If not, there's always someplace like the Isle of Mann where you can get away with pretty much anything.

Just when you think you're in, WAIT, the real fun starts!! You find out there are additional licenses, fees, charges, and a whole lot of other things you didn't plan on. Sticker shock has sent more than one poor bastard running to the nearest bankruptcy court.

Also, just when you think you've got it all figured out, they change the rules on you! No real reason, other than "we felt like it"... It's just a marvelous experience for anyone who dares to think Podunk Nevada is easy. You're better off going to another State and try your luck there. That's why Nevada is just now getting into the swing of things when it comes to not always using paper for keeping track of everything. They will let you take photocopies instead!! Just as good, and so progressive!!!!

External Links

To see the pathetic, outdated and ridiculous money taxpayers spent on the useless NGCB website, see:

http://www.gaming.nv.gov