User:Anwar Sadat's Horny Ghost/James Bond

James Bond is the antithesis of the basement dwellers who adore him; attractive, physically fit, clear of acne, employed, sexually active, witty, and well-dressed. He provides them a world of fantasy in which to prance about when not torrenting hentai or telling mommy to buy more Pizza Bagels.

You know the number...

Bond Himself

Definitive portrayal.

The character of James Bond is a tuxedo-clad wisecracking “spy” who would catch a bullet to the back of the head in about five minutes IRL. His incessant and entirely artless flirting would uniformly result in a swift kick to the testicles, and were he to somehow survive screwing his way across half of Europe, his salary would be split evenly between sexual harassment judgments and child support payments. Perhaps the only realistic aspect of the films is the violence with which his fuck buddies are treated, as the punching, slapping, and shooting of whores is well documented as the best treatment for their disease.

The Actors

Sean Connery

Sean Connery posing with an impromptu air-pistol.

Sir Sean played Bond as a supremely confident, if not entirely efficient agent of Her Majesty's government , typically sent to investigate some misdemeanor which he discovers to be an elaborate scheme to threaten the world for cash or lulz. He then foils said plot through pelvic thrusts and button pressing, followed by tasty buttsecks with whatever woman he didn't kill in the preceding action.

George Lazenby

The only actor to ever convey the complexities of the soul of Bond. Panned by some too shallow to grasp the nuanced portrayal of Bond by Lazenby. His single appearance as Bond marked not only the high point of the Bond filmography, but also a paragon of the film-making. Reminding Bond fans of this fact will earn their praise and adoration.

Rodger Moore

Rodger Moore acted as Bond throughout the middle age of the franchise. His reign saw a ratcheting up of the already absurd sexual name puns, ridiculously impractical gadgets, and ever more unworkable evil plots, perhaps the best of which being a free heroin giveaway. They are terrible films by any measure, and were they not James Bond films, would long ago been left to the bargain bin.

Timothy Dalton

Given the job only because Pierce Brosnan was unable, made two entirely forgettable films, and proceeded to disappear never to be heard from again. The films actually presaged the Craig Bond to come, coming off quite a bit darker than the previous Bond flavored movies. No one has seen these films for 20 years, and they are believed to be lost forever. [[File:GoldenEye007box.jpg|thumb|The man, the mouth]

Pierce Brosnan

2nd best Bond to Connery. The movies suffered the typical problems of grandiose sets and Chekovs' Guns, but Brosnan shined through, the corn in the turd which are the latter day Bond series. Halle Berry made for the first fappable Bond girl since the 60's, and the last.

Daniel Craig and his pocket pistol.

Daniel Craig

Useless shit stain who emotes like a stroke patient and speaks like a down syndrome grocery bagger. He has starred in three thus far, the first a re-enactment of the world poker tour, the second a shit metaphor for something or another, and a Judi Dench snuff film. More certain to come, judging by box office receipts.

Bond Girls

File:Gold7.jpg

Pandering to the Jewish audience.

The only reason to watch any of the films. Each film contrives a scene in which the loli love interest of Bond dons a swimsuit, no matter the distance from a major body of water. This is transparent pandering to the forever alone audience the films are sold to. Each is given an absurd sex pun for a name e.g. Plenty O'Toole, Octopussy, Pussy Galore. Even Sean Connery was sick of this gimmick by the end of his run, and he was fucking the girls. All of them.

Gadgets

The Bond series are infamous for their utter senselessness, and the shameless manner in which they are employed. Radioactive pocket lint, fake nipples, a wetsuit with a rubber duck on top, and a “saw blade yo-yo” all save Bond's life at one point or another, demonstrating the careful crafting of each and every script on the part of the writers. They are, in effect, a lazy attempt to solve a suspenseful situation without any craft whatsoever, and therefore deserve scorn, as opposed to the admiration heaped upon them by fanbois.

The Martini

James Bond's drink of choice is a martini, ¾ gin and ¼ vodka, shaken. A martini is classically stirred with ice, which is then strained off as the drink is poured. Shaking the drink causes the ice to chip, diluting the drink with water. The only reason to order a martini shaken is if the spirits are of a very low quality, with fusel oils remaining. The drink is shaken to distribute the oil throughout the drink, to keep it from pooling. So when you swagger into a hotel bar and order a shaken martini in a confident swagger, you are ordering a weak drink in an arrogant manner, and insulting the quality of the alcohol in the process.

TL;DR

The Bond movies are lazy and cynical attempts to slip lazy writing and shit acting by audiences with a pretty face and big explosions. And it works every time.

See Also

• Leave Bond to me
• Goldeneye 007
• Sean Connery
• Sir Billi
• Austin Powers
• Our Man Flint
• The Black Book
• Spooks
• Danger Mouse
• Burn Notice
• Jamezbond