Foxon/Journals

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These journals of Foxon's are to be archived. Do not modify entries, only add them!

Life update... IMPORTANT update...

Life update... IMPORTANT update...

Journal Entry: a year ago It's been almost three weeks since I updated ANYTHING... I can explain...

Please, everyone who reads this journal, PLEASE read the entire journal, every word... thank you...

Well, I didn't wanna make a big scene about it but I've worried a few people and out of guilt, I better come clean. Two weeks ago on the 23rd of June, Me and my mate kitsuneyoukai and my other mate, firecat broke up.... and we are truly broken up this time, it is... really over... They wouldn't take me back if I begged on my paws and knees... (I tried that...)

We spent some time together the next day on WoW, battlegrounds, instances, just so I could help the two love birds out... but the second day of playing with them got sour...

Kitsueyoukai admitted to me... proudly... that when he was cheating on me with zshimada back in january-march of 2008, he was also yiffing and cheating on me with his best friend at the time, Brushtail... and I lost it...

I don't think I've ever cried so violently. I couldn't take it... I attempted suicide that night, July 25th at 3:00am... I was crying so badly I didn't feel pain. I wrapped my arm in ponytail bands so my veins were freshly popped out, I slashed several times until there was a pool of blood on my chair... then I told Kitsune on WoW I needed to go... and I phoned 9-1-1 and got an ambulence.

I was picked up by 3 cops and an ambulence. I handed over the knife I had to the police (I bought a hunting knife 3 weeks prior specifically to cut myself) They nearly tasered me, they were cautious when I held the knife but that's their job...

I got into the ambulence and was patched up with bandage wraps and dressings just like my fursona, had a bandage on my wrist and palm of my left hand and was escorted to the hospital where I was greeted by some personnel and my mother... I had to have a long talk with my disappointed, burdened, and crying mother...

I was released from the hospital a few hours later after talking to my mother, a nurse, taking an anti-paranoia pill and a sleeping pill... I went home and cried myself to sleep...

My entire family knows of what happened and is very disappointed at me... I am a coward, some lowlife that can't handle the pain... I know I'm better than this but I don't wanna be strong, I want to fade away and let everyone I am attached to live without me. Things do get better but... that night was the worst night ever <___>

Let's say my week that week was... the worst I thought it could be, but it got worse...

My family was scheduled to go on vacation to see my sister (irl, not Foxtail) and I couldn't get out of it. my parents have admitted that they do not trust me alone and refuse to acknowledge any trust in me until I prove myself...

So I'm on a "vacation" that 4 months ago, I told my mother "I'm NOT going to (location) if I don't get to go on MY trip to Florida to see my mate!" and I was adamant about it... but parents always win every damn fight!

So I'm on a vacation I didn't want to, enduring the worst pain of my life, losing my mates, losing everything... and I'm being forced to do things, go places, when I just want to feel like dying... and I'm stuck here for 2 more weeks... watching Kitsuneyoukai go about his life, happy without me... drawing and posting art without a second glance back at me... dead or alive, I was nothing to him... at least for the past few months...

Kitsune and FireCat were my world of pleasure and pain, blissful dreaming... they were not just my mates, they were my mother and father... I was their cub. I was their pet when in games... I was their everything... well, they were mine...

And they're gone... and since I have my entire family, my counsellor, and even all my friends prohibiting my death, I am forced to stay alive, watching life... Kitsune's life without me... unfold.... as he lives happily with -his- mate... FireCat...

I wanted to just let this go, try to stay quiet... but I didn't get far, I need help, I need anything that could possibly pick up my spirits from the abyssal HELL that people call "break-ups". I need to live through this, please anyone, help me...

I'm sorry to anyone who presumed me dead... I haven't talked in a long time... about a week, maybe two... I was silently trying to cope... with myself. I was also without internet for... 5 days... what a horrible, painstaking 5 days!

I get home on July 19th or... something... not like anything is waiting for me in the cold basement that I call my gaming haven. Usually I would have my mates greeting me, but that is no longer... When I get back, I don't know what I'll do!

I've had about 5 friends helping me the past 2 weeks, they've been the only ones really who I've told of this event and if it were not for them, I wouldn't be making this journal...

• shadowgod200
• nopast
• zshimada
• ruscfox

The only thing keeping me occupied right now in Kelowna is MapleStory which I started playing at request of shadowgod200 to try it out and I'm addicted to it. I also snuggle my plushie and my sister's cute dog, Koda. He's a shin-Pom hybrid and is the cutest thing ever. We've been bonding for 2 full days, every hour and he's really gotten to love me... hecame to me first before everyone else in the family so I felt loved...

...but yesterday I was holding him and Koda jumped out of my grasp and broke his front left leg in TWO places... I've never heard a dog yelp so loudly for a painful, agonizing 10 seconds... my sister crying, her fiance swearing, me feeling guilty... and bad for Koda... I finally got attached to him and then he jumps from me and breaks a bone! Now I don't have the cute dog to cuddle... he's got a cast on and can't walk...

What a fuckin month...

Oh, and... firecat's birthday is soon. I wanna give a shoutout to my sweet FireCat because she made me very happy. I want everyone who reads this journal to go give Cat a happy birthday note or shout on her page when her birthday comes up.

firecat's birthday is on July 23rd. I was suppose to visit them and celebrate Cat's birthday with them but... I won't be this year.... or any other year....

Last year me and Kit bought a cottoncandy ice cream cake and ate it together and sang Cat happy birthday. The cake even said "Happy Birthday FireCat" It was such an event... and two days later, you can probably guess what Kitsuneyoukai got FireCat for a gift...

Let's just say a condom broke and an accident happened... =>>= I was there watching... I'll never forget that day! Cat isn't pregnant from that day, we got very lucky... but I am sure that it will happen one day and they will be a happy family together with cubs of their own... happy... without me... their ex-cub. *cries*

~*sigh* I'm holding my tears, as well as my tongue. Kitsune did admit a deep secret, that he yiffed Brushtail so long ago... and just recently decided to tell me to upset me... Don't flame him though. I also have been yiffing others, recently and at that time he cheated on me... if you flame anyone, let me be the one to feel the burn...

Anyone I catch flaming Kitsuneyoukai or FireCat will get a scolding from me personally... even if a hundred furs do it... I will not allow vengeance on ANYONE for ANYTHING... I am upset at Kitsune and disappointed for him cheating on me, but I will forgive him in time. I will get over it, and I will look back at the good times... and smile...

Watching Kitsune draw and post all the things that I refused to let him draw... hurts more than even being cheated on by anyone... Every day I feel the heartsinking feeling of watching that "1S" message in the corner and click it, gulping hard that it isn't something from them <.>

I have to accept it... but now he's started a new comic, a comic that he kept telling me he would do... but I didn't let him...

It is of a Furbolg and Cat form... I am a feral druid in WoW and that is so hurtful because I can't imagine how he could do that. Maybe it's me? But no way would he pull a trick like that. Nor would he care about anything I have to say. He did afterall, make a comic of him filling his sister only a week after we broke up...

Two more weeks of this hell in vacation... I just wanna go home!

From friend, to worst enemy, to roommates?!

Chronologically (omfg big word!) Zero Shimada has been every spectrum of friend and foe to both me and Kitsuneyoukai in the past two years from August of 2007 to August of 2009 (for an accurate two year count).

In 2007, Zero, to me, was a friend I had just met through Kitsune. I got to know him as a friend until October where I started to hate him because he went out with who I loved... FireCat, aka, Kitsune's sister.

Then from roughly November of 2007 to April of 2008, he was my WORST ENEMY! I spited him more than I have in my entire LIFETIME! I hated him through my severe jealousy of hearing and near watching him yiff FireCat every week and thensome for months... later to impregnate her and MARRY her... this past still haunts me to this day whenever it is mentioned...

In April of 2008, I found out the bitter truth of the impregnation, marriage, and cheating with FireCat, I hated him even more... but he confessed and I trusted him. We confronted Kitsune about it and from that moment on Kitsune and Zero have not spoken since.

Many months since then it's been a mystery what I really was to hi and vice versa, but I do know that since January of 2009 and maybe even earlier than that in late 2008, I was Zero's friend once again. He had to earn my trust and respect, but over time, he did a good job.

By summer of 2009, he and I were best of friends. I became his cub, while he became my mother and father (differentiating which gender of his wolf form he is at the time, usually female) and as is to the present.

As of August 2009, last month, he was discussing plans with me. He said something about moving out once he is done school, which is next summer, and he's going to bring one of his furiends.

Shizari, to me, was his first choice, but it was not. He has two others he would rather have for a reason unknown as it should stay that way, and I did ask why he wouldn't choose Shizari. They don't get along. By contract, he is sub and he doesn't want to be pushed around that way by Zero in reality.

One of his three choices was ME! I was seriously awestruck, speechless, and flabbergasted... of our broken, hurtful, dramatic, traumatizing history together between Kitsune, Zero, and I, why was I his choice? I still do not have an answer...

But all I do know is for the past month we have been going over the silly fantasy every lover, couple, and even friends have; the thoughts of what it would be like to live together.

Yes, in summer of 2010, I will be a high school graduate. He will be a college graduate, and we both will be free from our parents' homes and to live on our own. Skunkie is great, but I can't live with him, nor anyone else. Draco, Nopast, even Twilight. Twilight was my best option but she can't get a house, nor live with Kiyo...

And since that night that I yiffed Twilight... and immediately after expressing my love to her... she told me that... that very moment... she was asked to marry Kiyo...

...She... she said yes...

~*sniffles*

I've known Twi for two years as well. Since the week I met her, I've been in love with her. That moment... that split second I heard those few words...

...Every piece of love I had for her was taken away because now she's taken by a much greater man and I'll never in this lifetime or next, get a chance to live, love, or even be a shimmering piece of glass in the expensive champagne bottle she's worth... I'm cheap wine to Kiyo on the scale...

To live with Kiyo and Twi would be torture...

Me and Zero? Sure, we love diapers, we could change each other, yiff, take care of each other. He's the only one crazy enough to offer without me asking to buy me a CRIB to sleep in... *blushes* What a silly guy... *giggles*

Unfortunate for him I like beds. >:3 He makes me so happy and I hope things don't change, if they change, may it be for the better, if we must cheat, I hope we cheat death... it would just rip me from my mother... father... and no one wants that...

Wish me and Zero luck that we don't hate each other by summer of next year! My plans with Twi, no matter how perfect they were, failed... with a bang... and anything can happen in an hour... three, four words can shatter a person's heart forever... and there are many hours in a year... many chances to be let down and smote by heartbreak.

Love you Mommy! Daddy! Hope to live with you soon! =)

R.I.P Foxon's chances to be with his Kiyo's yoshi! *sniffles*

God Damn Crazy Ass DID Furries

See that? I said 'DID' instead of 'MPD', I'm smert.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2050729/

I dunno why I clicked on this, it's not very WTF, I havn't even read the poetry, but the discription is fucked up.

I came home today from school and my sister was on the verge of tears...

=(

When I was at school, my sister, foxtailthefur, wrote this poem about the time back in August of 2007 when I left her in Vanguard (because I ran out of money) and I forgot to say goodbye to her... making her wait over an entire year until I came back specifically to see her...

This poem is written in first-person in Foxtail's shoes if you didn't know...

She's letting me post this instead of on her account because... she said she isn't noticed enough on her account yet and she wants to get her feelings out so she wants me to post it so all my watchers see it... =(

This is based on the comic of me and her, "Tavern". ( found here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2029852 ) drawn by kitsuneyoukai so I am titling this "Tavern; The Poem" because it's the poem version of Tavern.

...I felt really bad for her and I appologized about her sadness and my mistake, but she was okay surprisingly. She's kinda like me, like everyone. Sometimes the worst of times sneak up on you and bring you down at the most... unopportune times =(

I'm very fortunate Foxtail is okay, and most of all, that the poem ended well. =)

Roleplay? Crazy? Internet friendship turned psudo-sibblinghood? This can't be real, cause it sounds like a scenario from FurCadia or something. Wait, let's look at his 'Sister's account.

http://www.furaffinity.net/user/foxtailthefur

I'm actually just his second fursona, so I'm not real. =( He likes having me around to help him in that big ol' head of his and if he wants to take a break from himself for a little while. =) As long as my big bro is okay.

OH SHE'S NOT REAL. Jesus christ, what? He's writing appologetic poetry to people inside his head? No, fuck no.

But then, Foxon's not all there. Having drawn or commissioned (I think commissioned) of him fucking his own sister that lives in his head. Or how about his profile?

Hiya, I'm Foxon Silverfur, a furry yiff writer.

I specialize in writing naughty stories, especially if they included urine, scat, or diapers.

~*SNIP*

I'm also taking commissions! for $10 you can have me write you a naughty yiffy story -^^-

Wow! Only $10 for a 'yiffy story' from some 19yo who fucks his own dissociated personality of a sister!