Up-Chan

American Woman, stay away from me... (i.e. Fuck Off.)

Up-Chan is a hideous, underage, attention-seeking streak of inarticulate Southern-State Piss who places "posting badly-lit photographs of herself on a website frequented by the worst scum on Earth" on the top of the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs. Her real name is Malori Renee, which speaks of a mongrel bloodline—no doubt polluted by the worst of Cajun society. This readily explains her peasant looks, and tractor-bearing shoulders.

They grow up so fast these days... Erm, wait...

4chan

Maloreeee (sic) began posting her highly ineffectual pictures to /b/ in June 2006, and, despite the fact that they were photographs of her completely clothed, she soon gathered up a minor following of bored /b/tards and online geography teachers (well, she IS 15). So far no n00ds, but in the traditions of a good Chan she titillates non-stop, allowing minor peeks of the tops of her breasts and her jelly rolls. Apparently, no matter how much weight she gains, women-starved /b/tards will venerate her regardless. See Fatty-Tan as reference; IRL, even sub-atomic particles vomit on her.

Up-Chan's biggest fan / stalker on 4chan and The LURKMORE wiki is Libertine; and if he is any younger than 41 and not in the accountancy industry, I'll eat my own shit.

Libertine awaits another Up-Chan photo shoot with his usual gusto and sexual dysfunction. Note: Don't give this man Viagra.

(Un)Interesting facts about Malori

• Is around 15, which makes her very unattractive jailbait. But pedos will fap to anything, apparently, just so long as it's still breast-feeding.
• She is a fat tub of lard (i.e. typical American Ectomorph). Future generations will laugh at her tubby propensity, and piss on her grave.
• Tries (unsuccessfully) to maintain a standard of "hair covering one eye" in each worthless photo taken of her. This is to hide the fact that her right eye is actually the local South Carolina gloryhole.
• Is covered in benign, fatty tumors (better known as keloids). If there is any other indicator of true obesity, I don't know what it could be. That's right—urrghh. She's fat.
• Is taking pointers from the six prostitute murders that have gripped the United Kingdom recently. She sees many parallels between these unfortunates' plights, and her own fast-approaching one. Yes, her career in street-walking is imminent.

Fat fat fat fat FAT.

• Has gone through many boyfriends which she claims she "broke up with" which in fact they just couldn't take her bitchy whiny attitude.

Her future

Her future has already been mapped out for her by the millions of other teenage flotsam-and-jetsam that have also failed at Life; these idealistic young years will soon fade into obscurity, as it hits her that in all actuality, the world doesn't give two shits. Her boyfriend will leave her for somebody more lean, and as the cynical 20's arrive, she'll be slinging hash in Boise, whilst sucking the boss's minuscule, shriveled cock. Even so, she'll be better off than the poor fucks working in Indonesian sweatshops, manufacturing the Old Navy she wears.

She won't appreciate this however, so fuck her. American Uber-Dickhead.

Change of status: she's now 18!

As of the December 26th, 2006, Up-Chan is no longer underage; the pedo references become obsolete, and she can now safely post n00ds without generating the controversy of a Cracky-Chan clone.

This has both an upside and a downside, mainly as:

THE HOPE OF A MILLION PEDOS LIES IN THIS MAN LOL.

• The fact that she's now legal will make the pedos cry and gnash their teeth. And, let's face it—anything that upsets those motherfuckers can't be bad, amirite?

• But now the lulz have decreased.

Hope now lies in the (inevitable) return of Loli-chan, or the more conventional attitude of Rabbit-Chan. However, if we can hire Richard Donner to film the Up-Chan story, then he can just have Superman fly backwards around the Earth at super-speed, right? This will "send" time fleeing backwards to the era when Up's breast were merely rosy nubs.

Life is so much more simple with a flying fucktard in tow.

Memorable quotes

• "i thought the Vikings found Greenland and called it such because they didn't want people to find Iceland, which is not icy at all. idk, maybe someone just told me that along time ago as a joke D:" (Up-Chan attempts debate, and fails.)

(PLEASE NOTE: This user has attempted to trawl through of Up-Chan's musings, to find something interesting. All he could find is assorted "mmms", "duhs", and "tits"; nothing interested was found.) Fuck Off.

Gallery

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External links

• Up-Chan's own board. Browse at your IQ's peril.
• Her Stickam profile.
• Her YouTube account. Pray she baleets soon. Lists a different age to the Stickam profile. Why ever would that be?
• DeviantArt profile. Notice she lists her favorite "photographer" as H.R. Giger. Ignorant whore. Has since been banned.
• yeah0right – The inevitable LiveJournal. Huzzah!!

Up-Chan is part of a series on Chans Visit the Chans Portal for complete coverage.