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| :''For the deceased patriot known as The Captain, please see [[OldDirtyBtard]]''
| | #redirect [[OldDirtyBtard]] |
| {{watch}}
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| {{gotis}}
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| [[Image:Captain twin drills.jpg|thumb|right|Jailbait.]]
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| {{clear}}
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| {{weeaboo}}
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| <div style="position:fixed;bottom:0;right:0;z-index:100">[[File:Hanson_exploitable_fixed.png|70px]] </div>
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| <div style="position:fixed;bottom:0;left:0;z-index:90">[[File:Pedobear_a.gif]]</div>
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| Captain ([[Powerword|Natalie Edwards]]) is a weeaboo, slavaboo, gun enthusiast [[camwhore]] who tricks lonely [[weeaboo|weebs]] on the internet into falling in love with her, so she can fund her endless quest in purchasing [[shit no one cares about|cosplay gear, militaria, and pointless anime memorabilia.]] Admining a Facebook page which primarily consists of cosplay selfies and [[animu]] shitposting, she lives off of the constant attention of men who are decades older than her, all of whom aspire to, one day, have their own qt 3.14 [[loli]] imouto to <s>do very dirty things to</s> love, care for, and cherish for the rest of eternity. All that is required to [[pedophilia|court this fine young lady]] is a mild interest in animu, guns or slavshit, and a disposable income to buy her pointless cosplay merchandise and Steam games.
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| ==It is (Not) a Trap!==
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| Every [[you|mouth-breathing, neck-beared weeaboo living in their mother's basement]] wishes they could find a [[trap|qt trap gf]] to fulfill their bizarre sexual fantasies, brought on by years of minimal human contact and unrestricted access to the most [[encyclopedia dramatica|indecent]] and [[4chan|depraved]] corners of the internet. Naturally, anything with the slightest potential to provide Captain with even a modicum of attention and validation would be enough for her to test the waters, and yet again dabble in the sacred art of [[Attention whore|attention whoring]] to fulfill her juvenile, self-serving desires. Like a fly on shit, she pounced on the opportunity to trick countless, unsuspecting weeaboos that she was, indeed, a young boy dressed in drag, and what a thrill that little [[Internet Drama|escapade]] was for her obscure Facebook community.
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| <center>
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| <gallery>
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| Image:Captain7-2.png|Autism and cringe inbound.
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| Image:Captain19-2.png|Lies
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| Image:Captain19-3.png|"I'm going to camwhore and acted weirded out when strange men hit on me!"
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| Image:Captain92.png|[[Fact|Telling it how it is.]]
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| Image:Captain-kidnap-2.png
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| </gallery><gallery>
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| </gallery>
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| </center>
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| In typical internet fashion, a legion of [[white knight|white knights]] had arrived to the scene on many a steed to defend their precious loli from the dangers of perverted internet evil-doers. Because white knights have such a [[unfunny|sense of humor]], and never do anything with the intent of trying to get poon-tang, one of Captain's [[faggot|faithful internet protectors]] got the wise idea of making a dramatic reading video out of the comments on the aforementioned photos ([[lie|because that has never been done before in the history of the internet, ever]]).
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| {| align="center" style="padding:0px;"
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| |<center><big>'''Get Trapped, Weebs'''</big></center><br>
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| <center><youtube>baqhdvZQo5w</youtube></center>
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| <br>
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| {{quote|I wonder if she's into weird frog dudes like me.|'''Loyal Captain fan''' - ''Hunting for the booty''}}
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| |}
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| ==Captain's Boytoys==
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| Like virtually every under-aged attention whore who has graced the internet with their presence, Captain is no stranger to [[online dating|internet love and romance]]. As a matter of a fact, she has been in and out of so many failed "relationships" (the majority of which were with men 5+ years older than her), that some EDiot scholars have worked out a pattern in how they <s>typically</s> always go. The selection process for [[cuck|potential mates]] isn't exactly one that reflects her personal preferences or interests, for an individual who [[antisocial personality disorder|lacks a basic capacity for empathy]] typically has none, as they see other humans merely as a means to acquire more material items for their own personal use; anyone with a [[autism|mild interest in anime or guns]] and a willingness to spend endless amounts of cash to "spoil" her will suffice. After choosing a mate, Captain will become very close with said individual for the first few weeks, as she slowly eases in more requests for Steam games and anime merchandise. Soon, the [[gay|cutesy, cuddly]] nights spent falling asleep in Skype calls will transform into apathetic indifference on Captain's end of the relationship, as she bleeds her host dry and latches onto a different man behind their back. She will give [[bullshit|excuses]] for not talking to you as often, until she ultimately reveals that she has fallen for another man, one way or another. At this point, the vicious cycle will start over and over again, and continue until Captain is an old, undesirable hag, stripped of any intrinsic value she once had. Only then will she realize that her sad, pitiful life was lived entirely on the backs of other people.
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| {{Q|Now this is where the "cycle" starts, I guess. I started liking you. I loved talking to you, whenever I got home I would be excited to call you and fall asleep with you. This is a problem I've had many times: I started getting too close to you. I have terrible trust issues because of a very personal reason. I could tell I was falling too hard for you, and I pushed myself away. I never used you. I wanted to have a wholesome relationship with you... I found myself thinking about you when I should be focusing on other tasks... the usual lovey-dovey stuff.... So, then I pushed you away. I stopped talking to you, I stopped calling you. Obviously, this caused a downfall in my emotion because I wasn't as happy.... so then we move onto Nooty. The same thing happened. I realized what I fucked up with you, and I tried to fix it with him... so I let myself get closer to him. Ask him and you'll find out, I regretted telling him everything and I was afraid of committing.... so I left him. Time passes and I'm getting closer to ----. I guess I didn't realize that I really liked him until someone pointed it out.... the same behavior from before. I now realize, that maybe, every time, maybe I was just desperate and lonely.... I latch on to anyone who gives me attention, that's true... but that's because of a very personal reason that I would rather not talk about. I'm obviously traumatized from an experience I had and instead of fixing it, I'm making it worse. I hate all of this stupid drama. I wish I could function correctly. I hate this vicous cycle. I want everyone to forgive me. I fucked up. I fucked up. I sound so pathetic and disgusting and I'm such a fucking slut. I'm not trying to throw a pity party. I fucked with people's feelings. Not on purpose. I never wanted to hurt anyone, I just made mistakes and I fucked up and I want this all to disappear. I want to try and learn how to maintain stable friendships. I don't want to crave attention. It's disgusting. Whenever someone gives me the slightest of attention, I latch on. I hate it. I want to learn to control myself. I can't. I hate this. I hate how I can't control myself. I keep fucking things up. I do disgusting things and I hate it. I hate it so much. I am an attention whore. I hate it so much. I wish I could go back in time and keep all of this stupid stuff from happening and just be happy being alone. You can choose to sympathize with me and erase all of this and start over. I want that so badly. I want everything normal again. But if you don't, I understand. But I just want to have this all over with. I'm not going after anyone. |Captain, before proceeding to pursue another relationship, five minutes after typing this novel out.}}
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| More recently, Captain has sought out partners of the... older variety, who she met up with at [[convention|conventions]] <s>and most likely performed acts which [[Chris Hansen]] could only dream of in his worst of nightmares while simultaneously cheating on her boyfriend</s> JK nothing to see here, folks. Move along.
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| [[Image:Captian-convention-dude.jpg|thumb|right|They're just friends, okay?]]
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| ==More Attention Whoring==
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| If being in [[slut|several relationships over the course of a few months]] wasn't enough, there are many other ways which Captain goes about attention whoring, such as attempting to latch onto big-name Youtubers, like DouchebagChocolat. Yet again, she proves that her only method of achieving any sort of [[internet celebrity|internet fame]] is by using her girlish-charm and ear piercing loli voice, which even the great attention whore, Nyanners cannot match in its aneurism inducing, ear drum popping torture.
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| {| align="center" style="padding:0px;"
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| |<center><big>'''a video for demo-chan'''</big></center><br>
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| <center><youtube>MoR9W0iX_W4</youtube></center>
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| <br>
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| {{quote|Demo Chan, you're the best. Especially when you touch my breast.|'''Captain''' - ''The last thing you hear before getting [[party van|v&]].''}}
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| |}
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| =Gallery=
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| <center>
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| {{cg|Still (not) a trap...|cirnogal|center|<gallery>
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| Image:Captain-suicide.jpg|Don't do it. We love you!
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| Image:Captain-slavaboo.jpg|Slavs a shit
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| Image:Captain-first-admin.jpg|Watch out for that airsoft gun :^)
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| Image:Captain-chen.jpg|Chen a shit
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| </gallery>|<gallery>
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| Image:Captain-me-me-me.jpg|
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| Image:Captain-copypasta.jpg|Overused meme is overused.
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| </gallery>
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| |}}
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| </center>
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| =External Links=
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| *{{facebook|natalieedwards225|Personal Facebook}}
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| *<s>{{facebook|captainv2|"Captain V2. Now with less stupidity"}}</s> BALEETED
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| *{{facebook|captainsjamboree|Alternate Facebook Page}}
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| *[https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8yV9p3xJjs-Dbelc08BcXg Youtube Channel]
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| =See Also=
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| *[[Cosplay]]
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| *[[Whore]]
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| *[[Cirno]]
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| *[[Animu]]
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| {{whores}}
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