Liath

A perfectly normal emo-girl on her way to becoming an hero

liath, also known as paperarson, trembled, wolfen (Because she's such a wolf, you know), keiltagh, selenographic (that moon stuff makes you o so pale, gothic, suffering, dark and mysterious), and finally unbind, keeps unleashing LJdrama by adding more and more accounts each and every time she drops a boyfriend/husband/WoWfag and when someone finds out how badly she needs an electrotherapy session way Over 9,000. The mysterious word "Liath" meaning "Amanda" in Gaelic simply means she's Irish, like at least 100 million people in the US. Like them, she became Irish by ingestion. It is a well known fact you become Irish by marrying people in the UK. Last Thursday, she discovered that her soul belonged to another person and also to another place. This LiveJournal user is also prone to being Bi (well do threesomes count?) Polar, suffers from a severe case of attention-whoring, Depression, Being overly unique and most probably being a lazy slut since she can't really work moar than 4 hours a day, her basement containing only the bare WoW necessities and two drying dogs she calls a pack not requiring much of an income to maintain. That, and leeching from her poor parents, probably wondering when the fuck someone is gonna be a moron enough to bang her and take her away for good, this time.

I WAS AN EMERGENCY C-SECTION

And therefore was one of the first pre-birth an heroes in the history of the internets.

Watch out. The drama listed here is probably the mother of all drama.

"this journal will be deleted in 10 days. i've had it with the bullshit here. in this place, this is the most you'll ever get to know. i can't take my own judgment in deciding who does and does not want to know me, because that was proved wrong today, and yesterday, and the day before.

so please, while this is not a publicity stunt, or a cry for attention, i know some of you have expressed worry that i might leave. so if you'd like to keep up with me, please, let me know, in whatever way you want."

Liath on her way to find Kurt Cobain

• 1. i was an emergency c-section, the umbilical cord had formed a noose
• 2. by the age of four, i was wearing glasses. i can no longer see more than 3-4 inches beyond my nose without assistance. however, glasses trigger migraines, and i am allergic to all contact solutions, which leaves my eyes dry and red, to the point of comments by other people, and in constant pain.
• 3. by this age i was also in therapy. i have little recollection of this, aside from a lot of games of Connect Four.
• 4. also at the age of four, i spent the summer at my friend's farm. i began racing cars there, and while driving an atv with my friend riding behind me, i crashed us head on into a stack of bricks after jumping a ditch, and nearly broke my wrist. i was out driving again the next day.
• 5. while on the farm, my friend's family let me adopt one of their horses. when i returned and told my friend this, my mother overheard and later screamed at me about lying to people. the horse was later killed during an attempt at his theft.
• 6. when i was five years old, my parents sent me to stay at my next-door neighbour friend's house for the night. when i returned in the morning, i was told my grandmother, to whom i was closer than i was my own mother, had passed away. it was my first night away from home, and i hadn't been there to run shouting to greet her in the morning and jump into her lap as she rolled her wheelchair into the kitchen. at her funeral, i was convinced someone else was in the coffin, because my grandmother was soft and warm, not waxy and cold.
• 7. later that year, i started playing soccer in a junior, intramural league.
• 8. at the age of six i moved from one town to another, just far enough away to keep me from all my friends, and send me to a new school. the only friends i made while there were a girl who looked exactly like my cousin, and two sisters from quebec around my age. erica and hilary gave me mock french lessons and watched movies with me. later on, erica was the first girl i kissed.
• 9. i found a dead bird when i was still only six. i put him in a plastic Voltron coffin and buried him under the deck. when i later dug him up, he'd half decomposed into a mess of stringy flesh draped from a skull. i cried, and got in trouble for touching a dead-thing.
• 10. when i was seven, i broke a man's nose for beating, with a chain, the horse i'd adopted from my friend's family. i was told i nearly killed him.
• 11. also that year, i sliced my scalp open from front to back, running through the forest and happening to run beneath a strand of rusted barbed-wire strangely strung from tree to tree. the tetanus booster i received is the first memory i have of needles, and doctors. i was unable to move my arm for three days. since then, i have decided that if i ever have children (which isn't going to happen anyway), they will not be vaccinated.
• 12. when i was eight, i packed my bags and ran away from home. i spent the night under the deck, since it was summer. i did the same thing during a snowstorm and ended up returning to the front stoop to sit in the cold, until my father found me and suddenly everything was okay. it has taken me years to realise that no, not everything was okay, because my family never, ever resolves their issues.
• 13. during these years, we would always watch television as a family on sunday nights. magical world of disney. my father would sit in a recliner, and my mother would lie on the couch on her side, legs bent, knees drawn up to leave room between her and the couch. i would pile pillows in that space, referred to as 'the junk yard', and climb in to watch the movie.
• 14. i began more therapy at this age, because i was told i was too quiet, and too shy, and too non-participatory in the world. i have no memory of this, either, only the words of the people who put me there.
• 15. when i was nine, i began playing soccer for a traveling team, the sort you have to try out for and that joins tournaments and travels around states for competitions. by this time i'd also started playing football, softball, baseball, basketball, field hockey and ice hockey, and was still avidly horseback riding.
• 16. when i was eleven, i graduated from elementary school, now in pennsylvania, having had moved to the state, and once again within the state from temporary condominium to permanent house. i had friends in those years, enough so that you will see me smiling in the school's yearbook photos, which was put together by my mother.
• 17. also at this age, i wrote two books. they are forever lost on the dead harddrive of an old ibm 286.
• 18. when i was twelve, a boy that was not popular called to ask me out. his hands were always sweaty, and he walked too fast, and he always signed his notes to me with 'Love you. Mean it.' i was ridiculed for tolerating him, and when he finally asked if i loved him back, i told him the truth, and broke things off. to this day the story people know is that i was dumped. i was twelve.
• 19. when i was fourteen, my travel soccer team finally got really, really good. we'd been together for several years with my father was the coach, and we'd won several tournaments. i was arguably the best player on the team. fathers of the other girls decided to take credit for my father's hard work at pulling us together, kicked him out as coach and allowed me to tryout, where i outshined every other girl there, and then denied my placement on the team. they also refused placement to those who supported me and whose parents supported my father.
• 20. that fall i tried out for the high school soccer team. unfortunately, because i came out the winner every time i came up against a certain girl with ties to my traveling team, whose father was somehow involved with the school team as well, i was told i didn't make the team. my father had a long talk with the coach, who agreed i was one of the best players out there and anted me to be on the team. i declined, refusing to play those political games. i have never played another sport since.
• 21. ever since i played sports, i have had tendonitis in my knees, Seaver's Disease in my heels, bad ankles, and a bad back. i also have carpal tunnel, and currently, one vertebrae in my neck is rotated.
• 22. up until this age, i was the smallest person in my age group, and several years below it, that i knew. i finally started growing, and am now taller than most girls i know. this devastated me -- i'd always wanted to be a jockey. i blame it on the six tacos i had at lunch every day, as my school catered pizza hut and taco bell.
• 23. when i was fifteen, i fell in love. hard. i never spoke of it, nor admitted it in so many words to myself, but i'm sure it was probably obvious to some. that boy went out with every girl in my circle of friends but me. i was later informed by one of them that he really only cared about me.
• 24. later that year, kurt cobain killed himself. two days after his body was found, i walked in on my best friend with a shotgun in his mouth just before he pulled the trigger. i'd stopped to tie my shoe on the way to his house.
• 25. three days after he killed himself, by best friend in my home state, his cousin in such a small world, did the same. i received a letter, typed, several days later, from a mutual friend.
• 26. i attempted suicide that year, by slitting my wrists. a friend found me and took me to the hospital, with minutes, i was told, to spare. i never told any family of this, though they hint at knowing. thanks to heavy applications of vitamin e and retin-a, there are no visible scars almost nine years on. that was the first and only time i ever tried to prevent my flesh from scarring.
• 27. when i was still fifteen, my parents told me they would no longer pay for horseback riding for me, and instead were going to use the money for music lessons for my brother, who didn't even want them. i have not been able to afford them since, though i have managed to go once in a while.
• 28. i'd become violent at that age, and had the police called on me on more than one occasion. i never harmed anyone, or any living thing. but i ripped doors from their frames, without exaggeration, and took hatchets to furniture and electronics. i put my fists through more walls than i can count. i still punch things, and the last two knuckles on my right hand are permanently flattened.
• 29. when i was sixteen, i ended up in a relationship with a boy i'd been friends with for a while. it was as close to love as i'd come since that first, silent episode. we were together for two years, he proposed after eight months, and one night, toward the end, he was drunk and hit me. i knocked him to the floor, grabbed his throat and said if he ever touched me like that again, i'd kill him.
• 30. somewhere in that mess i attempted suicide again. i swallowed about 50 tylenol and 16 oxycodone. i fell asleep, and woke up, extremely dehydrated, but with no one the wiser. i don't know why it failed. i fear i will have liver problems later in life.
• 31. this boy that hit me used to tell me i needed to lose weight. i am five foot nine and have never weighed over one hundred forty pounds. that was the first time i became self conscious of my body.
• 32. i left that boy six days after our second anniversary, and ended up with a friend of his, who'd become closer friends with me over time. he was controlling, argumentative, and would never allow me a moment to myself. things fell apart the next summer, when my parents lost their house to bankruptcy, and i went to spend some time in england. he has since abandoned me twice, as we remained friends afterward.
• 33. during those years with him, and the years following, i was on almost every antidepressant on the market, sometimes in combinations. zoloft, wellbutrin, prozac, paxil and depakote, and on and on. none accomplished anything.
• 34. while i was still with this boy, i bought a puppy, a shiba i named Amaroq, or Rock for short. he was the most stubborn, most intelligent dog i have ever met. i would trust him in a crib with a baby poking him with sharp objects and pulling out his fur to never, ever bite.
• 35. i went to england that summer, and live in Marlow, and in Nottingham for around 6 months. i pine for that place.
• 36. somewhere in the middle, my parents gave Rock away. the arrangement was that my uncle would watch him for up to a year while i was in england, before i brought him to stay with me. but my father decided, after six months, that was long enough, and told my uncle they could keep my dog. i didn't have the guts, nor the heart, to ask for him back. he was happy there.
• 37. a little over a year after i first went to england, i married a boy there, someone beautiful and like me in more ways than i can explain. the weather and my soul would not let me stay, and the distance dug its nails underneath and pried us loose. he's changed. i've changed. i don't think we know each other anymore. i haven't spoken to him for some time. i tried, though; no one knows how much i did.
• 38. before the end, sometime in the winter, i cut myself. i'd been doing it for years, but this was the worse i'd ever done. muscle was exposed, subcutaneous flesh yellowish white around the edges of the wounds, skin pulling back from the holes.
• 39. just before we split, we'd gotten a dog, an australian shepherd i named Blake, after the poet. he was beautiful.
• 40. the whole time i'd known another boy, that i'd loved since the start, but he was so far away, in more ways than one. but suddenly he was there. and even if it took a bottle of absinthe and delirium tremors to break the ice, it was suddenly as if the polar ice caps had melted.
• 41. that summer, i became bulimic, and alternated between that and anorexia.
• 42. i finally confided in my therapist of over six years that i was having hallucinations, missing time, getting stuck on ideas or thoughts that seemingly came from nowhere. memories, nostalgia cropping up for no reason. i began runs on antipsychotics. they only made me tired.
• 43. when i was twenty one, i totaled my car, my Buick, on a deer, hitting it at 60 miles an hour. while the car was mine, my parents pocketed the money and forced me to buy my uncle's old honda on a loan from them.
• 44. just before i turned twenty-two, i gave Blake away, nine months after his birthday, because my life was a wreck, and the rabbit droppings in the yard were making him sicker and sicker. i still cry because of that. they renamed him Jake.
• 45. that fall, we got a kitten, who we named Macha. her name eventually became Mongoose, an Invader Zim reference, and she is completely insane.
• 46. two months later, the person i love most in the world did more damage to me than i can ever express. it took months to discover the extent of it.
• 47. sometime around then, an old friend of mine was killed in a car accident.
• 48. that november, i got another dog, one i am determined to keep with me until one of us dies. he is not a pet, he is pack, he eats before me, gets treated medically before me if necessary, and we share long conversations i don't have with anyone else. he is the best listener i know, because he understands. i have had him for over a year now.
• 49. this past december, i was proposed to. i am still married, and people cannot grasp the fact that i do not view relationships and formalities the same as so many do. i know i will have to get the divorce over with before things progress in that arena, but i am working up my courage. it touches upon a deep wound i cannot explain.
• 50. i have almost daily panic attacks at work, because they treat me like absolute shite. there is no one to complain to because those are the people doing it. i am trying to get myself out of this.
• 51. i drive in the rain, hardcore. from sitting out on the windowsill and steering with my knee, to driving without windows or doors on the jeep while it is pouring.
• 52. i don't want children. not only am i a plethora of physical inadequacies that would be long gone did natural selection still exist, as well as my psychological issues, i think the world is a completely disgusting place. i want dogs, and various other animals.
• 53. i like music ranging from Keith Whitley to Johnny Cash to Pearl Jam to Tool to Velvet Acid Christ to Mogwai to Rachel's to Roy Orbison to Sarah McLachlan to Godspeed You Black Emperor! to Counting Crows to System of a Down and on and on in circles. you will not find any Sleater-Kinney on any of my media, as i downloaded some of those songs and felt as if i'd rather shoot myself in the foot. i won't apologise for my musical tastes, and despise being judged by them.
• 54. inconsistent people annoy the piss out of me.
• 55. i am an audiophile. my computer speaker setup, home theatre, and car stereo system attest to this. i'm not finished yet.
• 56. i am so shy that i can often not even handle ordering pizza on the phone.
• 57. i am an excellent listener at all stages, but it takes a very long time getting to know someone to feel comfortable enough to talk too much.
• 58. i am paranoid. i cannot stand in lines without suspecting the people around me, or sit in areas with too many other people without believing one or more of them are looking at me. it's getting more difficult to rationalise.
• 59. if i had the money i would join a climbing gym, because after horseback riding, that is my absolute favourite activity.
• 60. i am a good friend, i just start out slowly, and in the beginning, if you want to hang out, you'll probably have to contact me.
• 61. i am too generous for my own good; this includes giving rides, and giving away money. i do not ask to be repaid.
• 62. i am a responsible drug user. the kind that blows propaganda fed stereotypes and preconceptions right the fuck out of the water. it seems i am too strong to have a bad trip, but i am never cocky enough to believe that.
• 63. i despise the taste of alcohol. any alcohol. the only beer i can drink without gagging is Harp. there is no hard liquor i can consume without feeling disgusted. and while i refrain, usually, from doing so, i can drink more than anyone i know.
• 64. my beliefs follow the path of ancient druids and shamans, and i have a deeper connection to the world than i could ever explain here. my animal guides are wapiti, golden eagle and wolf, though wolf is so much more than a guide. i have yet to discover any others, but i'm sure they'll pass through my life.
• 65. i am waiting for humanity to destroy itself. at this point in time, i have no interest in seeing the species be redeemed. that may change, but for now, my opinion is solid.
• 66. i am incapable of looking at someone and determining how attractive they are. a face is a face to me, until i have truly gotten to know that person.
• 67. i slide easily out of others' lives.
• 68. i spent years waiting for my mother to commit suicide. in all honesty, i hope she dies before my father, because he could handle it.
• 69. i am a geek, and i wish that i weren't.
• 70. i enjoy online free form roleplaying, but only under certain circumstances.
• 71. i am a pseudo artist and faux poet, only occasionally able to wax philosophical.
• 72. i generally don't give a damn what other people think.
• 73. i think bullies should grow up, or at least do their own dirty work. but that would require they didn't hide.
• 74. all my current friends, sans one, have been met online. so have the 'almost-but-actually-not-interested' people i've been somewhat strung along by.
• 75. i let people take advantage of me far too often.
• 76. i have no favourite colour, or food, or movie, or anything else, because there are too many way things mean the most to me.
• 77. i'm afraid of rejection, and people do a good job of reinforcing that.
• 78. up until recently i only wore two kinds of shoes. doc martens or chucks. recently, i added a simple pair of sneakers to the repertoire, and i'm getting a pair of army boots for my birthday.
• 79. i've had four cars already. a buick lesabre, a honda accord, a subaru legacy, and now my jeep wrangler. i paid for all but the buick, which was given to me. at first.
• 80. hypocrisy makes me wretch.
• 81. religious folk who knock on my door will not be immediately turned away, but will quite quickly leave voluntarily.
• 82. i pick and bite incessantly at my fingernails. when i do allow them to grow out, they break.
• 83. i have adorable feet. even i'll admit that.
• 84. i have two tattoos, one which needs to be finished.
• 85. i pierced my own belly button before it was popular. once it became so, i removed my ring. it had never healed, anyway.
• 86. i had pierced ears for all of two years. i have no desire to redo them, or get anything else pierced.
• 87. i had a mouse, that i named Ralph, that my cat brought to me alive. he got loose and she broke his back, and my mother had to hold him behind the exhaust pipe of the car to put him to sleep.
• 88. i am more stubborn than almost anyone you will ever meet. to the point of self-destruction.
• 89. i hate it when people disappoint me, and so keep my expectations low.
• 90. i am extremely selective on who i let in.
• 91. despite being fallen on by a 1200 pound horse, kicked in the head and falling out of multiple trees and off roofs, i have never broken any part of my body, except, maybe, the knuckles. that has never been confirmed.
• 92. i fear my sadness will never entirely go away. i don't expect anyone to understand this.
• 93. i started drinking when i was 14, but i have never smoked a cigarette. i find the entire idea of that yellowing stench absolutely disgusting.
• 94. i graduated high school and college with near 4.0s, without even trying. i find this unfathomable, because i didn't deserve it.
• 95. i almost became a forensic pathologist. then i almost became a vet. i couldn't become a vet because i probably would have attacked careless, neglectful, and abusive owners.
• 96. i didn't learn anything in college that i didn't already know from high school or my own studies.
• 97. i hate pennsylvania and almost all that comes with it.
• 98. i need a good friend, and i need to be someone's good friend.
• 99. i am often inconsolable, and am bad at accepting compliments.
• 100. i begin to say more things than anyone will ever know, because they are from behind this screen, and no one seems to care how many times you hit backspace, or how often you just have to close the window.

Epitome of ANGST.

Ok, does this bitch never shut the fuck up, I mean, cmon, is there anyone reading this who didnt think by item 4, she should have been accidentally pushed into a tree shredder by that fucking horse she adopted, holy shit, TL;DR already!!!

Are you kidding?

This is the most fascinating (the only) real life story i've ever read. They murdered her horse!!1 MOAR!

Liar: Read items 40, 63 and 93.

I HATE TAKING PHOTOS OF MYSELF

Because getting a tattoo of a shitty dicktree on your back is completely normal,albeit a nice sight when you're getting reared. Ex-Husbands and boyfriends did smear some kind of semen-like seal of approval all over it many a time

	“	21 April 2008 @ 05:27 pm photo. OF ME. i promised this to someone like a million years ago, but i hate hate hate hate the wrong side of a camera, so it took me this long to actually, you know, TAKE A PICTURE. i kind of hate it, but since i've shared already, i figured i'd share here, too, in case anyone was actually wondering wtf i look like. and yeah, i don't smile for pictures. i just don't. SUE ME. i'm also a lot paler than the lighting makes it look. hooray for incandescence? or something.	„

	“	30 October 2005 @ 03:47 pm PHOTOS. of me, whoohoo. err, right. took a couple of pictures after getting my hair cut before yesterday unravelled into some sick twisted hell. :) there were two i didn't absolutely hate, even though i don't really like them, so i figured as people seem to be posting pictures of themselves lately, i'd pop these online. i might freak out and delete them later though. eep.	„

	“	17 July 2006 @ 12:20 am i bring you a photo, as it was promised to [my next victim], and i figured people may want to know what i look like since the last time. 9 months? i dunno. it's not great. very ahrd to self-portrait with a digital SLR. i can't see what i'm aiming at, really. bah. so, here you go (and the rest of you as well), and i will try to get a better one later on. if that's possible. :P blah. ( argh. i hate pictures of me. FEEL SPECIAL. )	„

	“	now, i bring you pictures. one of the geekiest corner ever, and one of me. which is v blurry. and i had to fix the colours as i didn't use the flash and we all know what incandescent light does *mumbles*. it's bad..	„

She shares these with her friends because they love her and are truely interested in getting in her pants. Its only a matter of time until they are deemed boring and omg-you-don't-understand-me-Ized, so, get in line. She'll be out for a refill when her delusions of love fade back to her natural attention-whorish attitude.

Art

She can't really draw anything save her ex-boyfriends face, (and weirdly deformed wolves oh and gay harry potter/supernatural fanart, too) who was smart enough to dump her when he finally found out the electricity produced by Ireland wasn't enough to jumpstart her brain into thinking clearly

• 
  Way to go, Happy Gay Potter.!

OMG FRIENDSLOCK

Not anyone can join her LiveJournal. The really funny mental posts are friendslocked for all her admirers. All the others are just here to fawn all over her tribulations and give her the unnecessary attention she craves.

As you can see, she happily swings between cycles of "I'm so happy" to "I'm so misunderstood I want to be dead with Kurt Cobain at my side".

I AM SO HAPPY

Internets disease anyone?

Liath can become very happy, like every 100 years. Mostly when she's not busy basement-dwelling, selling her antideps to co-workers, or wanking off to her latest boyfriend, she is letting the world know that SHE IS HAPPY! And that she does have a life outside her murky basement where she leads a pack of wolves consisting of two rotting-almost dead-dogs.

	“	honestly cannot remember when i was this happy. if i ever was. it's scary and amazing, all at the same time. little over a day left here. then we'll figure something out.	„

RHYMES WITH ELECTRO THERAPY

Nothing short of a nuclear powerplant could possibly hard reset the neurological wasteland that is Madmanda's brain.

Wincest

Now, you would never have guessed that such an emotard would actually try to line up two decent sentences together. Its called fanfiction. Well, more precisely, gay fanfiction. Supernatural pre-teen fanfic where at least 100 cocks are throbbing at once, mixing with harry potter's more lupine characters (because she's also a wolf), Sirius and Remus

	“	Sam's eyes are shadowed, his features a sharp relief in the green and blue of the neon sign when Dean looks over his shoulder. The muffled sound of the jukebox warps in the air, uneven over the echoes of pool cues and whiskey courage, like he's under water. Teeth drag over the ridge of muscle at the side of his neck, lower until Sam is sucking hard on the spot just above Dean's collarbone. His brother fists him in the close quarters, thumbing over the head of his cock, spreading precome with the faintest drag of nail. Dean feels his knees buckle, but his brother snakes an arm around him, pulls him up again and presses closer. "I got you," Sam mumbles, his hand still wrapped around Dean's dick, trapped between hard metal and soft skin. Dean closes his eyes, exhales as he feels Sam's other hand behind him; the sound of his brother's belt being undone, the hiss of a zipper, and then Sam is breathing rough against his ear, his neck, raising the hairs over his skin. When Dean feels the heat of his brother's cock against his ass, he growls low. "Sam."	„

How Liath shaves.

To the innocent bystander, she almost looks like decent fuck material. She looks even better than decent fuck material when she deepthroats you into being her long-distance Internets/WoW/English/Irish/farfaraway/imaginary boyfriend who will free her from her life of pain and dark/somber/horrible/blacker-than-black misery.

Fun fact: if you place a light bulb in her mouth while she's being brain-fried, she'll actually look bright, for a change.

Perhaps one day she'll stop trying to find salvation by marrying at least 100 English gentlemen just to be more Irish than Ireland itself and finally become an hero. We hope that Madmanda will wake up soon. Next to her friend Kurt Cobain. She will be taken care of by the best electrician gnome in Hellscream. Perhaps she will just attempt to kill herself for the sixth time and maybe for once, actually succeed.

The Cure for Liath

• 
  One way to becoming an hero!
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  RL Journal!

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Featured article June 8, 2011
Preceded by Ray Dixon	Liath	Succeeded by Too soon