View source for Wicca

{{offended}}
{{quote|Ankh if you love [[ISIS|Isis]]!|Popular Wiccan bumper sticker}}

[[Image:Poster40506143.jpg|thumb|Why, hallo thar!]]
[[Image:MassHalloweenTrip113.jpg|thumb|A typical Wiccan coven]]
[[Image:Alan whicker.jpg|thumb|right|200px|Gerald Gardener, yesterday]]

'''Wicca''', an acronym for [[White]] [[Aspergers|Isolated]] [[Fatties|Chubby Cunts]] Association, is the shittiest, most pussy subset of the [[pagan]] expression of [[religion]].  It is favored by people too [[fucktarded]] and lazy to learn the rules of a real religion and too poor to join any other [[Scientology|cult]]. Most modern Wiccans will claim to be in it for the [[Emo|self-expression]] and [[sex|becoming more in touch]] with the world. Expect these [[retards]] to say ''Oh Goddess!'' in lieu of proper [[Homosexual epithets|epithets]].

There are two flavors of Wicca: one was invented by a [[Britfag]] named Gerald Gardner in the 1950's ([[Wikipedia:Wicca|even TOW agrees]]); the other by a [[woman]] who calls herself Silver [[otherkin|RavenWolf]] for the benefit of those who were too lazy to find a real coven, panicked at the thought of having to deal with real [[priest]]s, or found that [[rules|The Ardanes]] was [[TL;DR]]. Since all [[16-year-old girl|16-year-olds]] agree that Silver RavenWolf understands the [[bullshit|true meaning of Wicca]] better than that weird old bearded fart and 16-year-olds know [[everything]], that's the version documented in this article.

Wicca has only one rule: '''An it harm none, do what ye will''', which makes Wicca as [[pussy]] as it is stupid. Wiccans delude themselves into thinking they can perform "[[magic|magick]]" just by lighting candles and dancing around [[naked]]  with shiny rocks laid on the ground in [[Random|mystical]] [[Swastika|patterns.]]

If you see a [[tumblr]], [[Live Journal]], [[Facebook]], etc. profile saying something like '''''<span style="color:darkred;">Proud</span> <span style="color:royalblue;">to</span> <span style="color:blue;">be</span> <span style="color:purple;">a witch</span> ! ! !''''', you can be [[99.9%]] confident that you're dealing with a Wiccan. You can also visit [http://www.spellsofmagic.com   Spellsofmagic.com], the biggest gathering of cultfags (and [[cutter|cutfags]], amirite?) in this universe.

Wiccans are divided into little [[gangs]] called "[[clusterfuck|covens]]" or "[[circle jerk|groves]], usually with contrived and melodramatic names like ''The Silver Moon Circle'', the ''Black Pentacle'' or ''The Raven and the Rose''. [[Seriously]]. Wiccan covens are full of pot smoking, [[alcoholic]] female [[fatties]] (unless they're too young to drink, in which case they're just fat and stoned), with a few token males who join out of faggotry or in a pathetic attempt to get laid.

Wiccans can be easily confused with obsessed fans of the fantasy genre, for instance people who dress up as [[Harry Potter]] or [[Lord of the Rings]] characters (though there is, in fact, some overlap). Another group easily mistaken for Wiccans are [[LARP]] and [[Dungeons & Dragons]] roleplayers. However, there is a simple way to distinguish these groups from Wiccans. The essential difference is that these cosplaying and roleplaying nerds, while annoying and immature, know that they're just playing a little fantasy game, whereas the Wiccans actually believe that their magic wands and elvenlore are real things. This often leads to a painful disillusionment, when a Wiccan realizes that he or she [[Oak And Cauldron|cannot pay the rent or find a job by casting a magic spell]], and e-begging commences

== Wiccan Doctrine ==
[[Image:Sabrina.jpg|thumb|Wiccan Inspirational leader]]

Wicca is really just dumbed-down [[Satanism]] for really fucking [[lazy]] white people. Wiccans will try to convince you that their religion has nothing to do with Satan by claiming that their religion is [[over 9000]] years old, because any ancient religion that involves at least one goddess was obviously a branch of Wicca.

Since Wicca has no established doctrines, half of the things they do are pulled out of the Coven Leader's ass or read in a book by Silver Ravenwolf. The other half is a mish-mash of pseudo-religion stolen from Medieval Catholic documents on witches, ''[[Harry Potter]]'', [[Disney]] films and ''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer]]''. When confronted with that fact, Wiccans will scream "[[NO U]]" and then proceed to bitch about how Christians [[stole]] [[everything]] from them. The few Wiccans who don't subscribe to Silver RavenWolf's [[piss|watered]]-[[lame|down]] new-age claptrap might tell you that most of their religion is derived from a ''[[Wikipedia:Book of Shadows|Book of Shadows]]'' that only the innermost circle of Wiccans are allowed to read. Like the [[Xenu]] story, this is probably because its contents are so dumb that you can only be given it when you absolutely have to believe it. 

Wiccans worship the Tripple Goddess as their deity. If you ask Wiccans what the goddess’s characteristics are you’ll never get a solid answer because they really don’t have a fucking clue and will likely each tell you something different. Again, there are no rules or doctrines in Wicca so it’s all a bunch of individual bullshit put under a single banner. Generally, the goddess has characteristics that reflect the Wiccan’s worldview along with something about nature or some stupid bullshit like that. If Wicca is a bad fanfiction of satanism then the Tripple Goddess is a shitty self-insert OC.

Some Wiccans also worship the Horned God to attract edgelord satanist metalhead males to their cult and keep them as long as they can before they inevitably leave after realizing these bitches are too damn crazy to even bother going through the trouble of trying to get laid. Although the autistic wizard LARPer who they picked up from the DnD table might stay a little longer since he probably thinks it’s just a LARP game.

The Wiccan idea of the afterlife is usually a temporary afterlife realm followed by eventual reincarnation without any reward, judgement, consequence, karma, or retribution (a concept taken straight from New Age bullshit). Basically everyone goes, even those who kick puppies (somewhere a Bhuddist is killing themselves in 20 lifetimes over this shit). Since Wicca has no real rules or doctrine the afterlife realm’s description can vary based on whatever wish-fulfillment fantasy the average Wiccan indulges herself in everyday because she’s still stuck in high school, has no boyfriend, and hates her parents. The most common idea of such afterlife realm is Summerland: a land of endless summer, because endless 90° heat with 90% humidity is apparently how a sweaty middle class landwhale who always has the AC cranked up wants to spend eternity (at least Hell is a dry heat).

The only general rules are as follows:

* [[feminist|Women are the bestest]]
* [[FYIAD|Magic is totally real you guis]]
* Being "in touch with nature" excuses everything else, even [[global warming|driving a SUV with only one person in it]].

Since Wicca does not require any special tools, ordained priests, or even a building to worship in, it is the ideal cult for lazy [[poor]] people, even though Wiccans are still encouraged to buy loads of worthless [[plastic crap]] from occult shops and Etsy vendors. This means that even though Wicca is as phony as [[Scientology]], at least it won't fuck you out of your money.  
 
Wicca is the official religion of [[feminism]], as all [[real]] religions (whose host cultures survived) refuse to give women power. Wicca [[Some argue|is believed to]] spread [[furfaggotry]] and [[otherkin]]ism, making it a sort of gateway [[drug]] of faggotry.

== The Holy Tools of the Trade ==
[[Image:Satan.jpg|thumb|right|[[HAIL SATAN EVERYDAY|All hail the horned god]]!]]

* '''Deities'''
** The [[Double nigger|Triple Goddess]], AKA Triple-Teamed [[Whore]] of Babylon
** The [[Wikipedia:Horned God|Horned God]], AKA [[Satan]]
* '''Symbols'''
** The [[Numbers|number]] [[13]] for their e-covens or [[LJ]] usernames 
** The [[Wikipedia:Pentagram|Pentagram]] or [[Wikipedia:Pentacle|Pentacle]]
* '''Toys'''
** Brooms, cauldrons, candles and other shit bought from overpriced Halloween shops
** Huge, orgnate ornate [[dildo|wands]]
** Their vibrator.
** '''Fucking anything from [[Hot Topic]]'''

== Wiccans Defined ==
[[Image:Wiccan lady J2.jpg|thumb|right|The fuglies, the social misfits, the vegans, the dykes, the poor. All are drawn to wicca's charm.]] 

Modern witches are [[insane]], [[attention whore|attention whoring]], [[Self-injury|self-injuring]] [[16 year old girls]] that are very easy to troll. They hate to be confused with [[Goths]], [[emos]] or [[vampires]] and will [[Meaningless noise|totally cast a spell on you]] if you do. Any [[green]] asshole wishing to pursue an exciting career as an internet [[troll]] should seek out witch communities.

Wiccans [[old people|over the age of thirty]] are extremely rare, partially due to the fact that they have no time for such nonsense once they have been kicked out of their parents' [[basement]], but mostly because they have been brought to [[kill it with fire|justice]] long before that. The rare Wiccan past thirty is most often a [[fat]] woman who believes her cats are 'children', or a dragon-shirted male suffering from terminal [[fail]].

They wear black almost universally, even though [[real]] Europagans wore white, because they believe it makes them look less fat. Wicca is usually [[feminism|matriarchal]], while real Europagans were usually led by male druids (the equivalents of [[doctor]]s and [[lawyers]], so if you meet anyone who calls him or herself a druid, ask to see his/her Ph.D or license). Everything about Wicca is designed specifically to scare conservative [[Christians]], which is completely out-of-line with pre-Christian paganism and makes Wicca more of a [[trolling]] technique than a real religion.

=== Origins ===

Wiccans may tell you that they're descended from six or more generations of Wiccans, despite the fact that they live with their [[white middle class liberal|affluent vanilla]] parents and that Wicca has only been around since 1954 (1951 if ''really'' stretching it and considering [[Way_before_the_internets|Ancient History]]). Failing this, a Wiccan may also claim to have been reincarnated several times over (almost always as a well-known historical figure, such as [[unwarranted self-importance|Cleopatra]]; [[lulz]] ensue if you bring two (or more!) people who claim to be the same person together), or whine about the [[fail|poor witches persecuted in Salem]]. Wiccans who are called out on their bullshit or don't do either of the above may instead call themselves [[Gypsies]], even though Gypsies (or ''Roma'' is you don't want to be racist) are a race of smelly [[Indians]] who [[lie]] and [[steal]], giving them [[truth|more in common]] with [[niggers]] than with Wicca or its supposed origins. Note: Oh and BTW ,every (moron)wiccan is a fucking teacher (pretty pathetic)

==Wicca on [[YouTube]]==
<br>
{{center|
{{frame|{{fv|world of wicca|background-color:GREEN;text-align:center;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>hgBg0wMr7_g</youtube>
;{{colortext|GOLD|A <u>[[Typical|{{colortext|GOLD|typical}}]]</u> YouTube <u>[[Wizard|{{colortext|GOLD|Wiccan}}]]</u> (Note that his profile states he is a <u>[[Dying alone|{{colortext|GOLD|500 year old}}]]</u> <u>[[Virgin|{{colortext|GOLD|sorcerer}}]]</u>)}}
|<youtube>SkuwDwSKO4k</youtube>
;{{colortext|GOLD|And another!}}
|<youtube>y47ttJfB3AM</youtube>
;{{colortext|GOLD|"They told me I could be anything I wanted. <u>[[FYIAD|{{colortext|GOLD|So I became a mermaid."}}]]</u>}}
|<youtube>B_X7zmHe14g</youtube>
;{{colortext|GOLD|<u>[[Who?|{{colortext|GOLD|ExpertVillage}}]]</u> explains <u>[[Torture|{{colortext|GOLD|how to spot a witch}}]]</u>}}
}}|border=BLACK|background=GREEN}}
}}
<br>

== The "Many" Uses of Witches ==

* [[Trolling]] [[Catholics]], [[fundies]] and other [[:Template:Religions|religious individuals]]
* [[Kill it with fire|Fuel for the fire]]
* [http://www.goddess.org/religious_sex.html Lots and lots of sex]

== Trolling Wiccans ==
* Is that the Star of David?
* Mention you know all about Wicca because you've seen all of the ''Harry Potter'' movies.
* Point the ridiculousness of spell casting in the current year, or believing in necromancy. 
* Demand [[dox|vouchers]] so they can prove they don't belong to Team [[otherkin|RavenWolf]].
* Ask them how to cast a spell on the IRS so you can stop paying taxes.
* I'm just doing whatever feels right for me, like trolling your fake ass.
* If they're under 18, ask them how they can be Wiccan if Wicca requires one to do [[cunnilingus|things]] with an adult that no one [[underage]] is allowed to do.
* Tell them : Repent, Jesus loves you! (remember, God give you a mission to guided the wicked, [[DO IT FAGGOT|do it]]!) 
* Ask them to define hocus pocus in fine detail. 
* [[Monty Python|Ask if they weigh the same as a duck.]] 
* Remind them that no real witches were persecuted in Salem during the witch trials. 
* Ask for a spell to smite your annoying neighbor.
* Tell them that worshiping any god other than [[Yahweh]] is equivalent to [[Satanism]] and that they should be put to death for it.
* When encountering a self-proclaimed "[[basement dweller|solitary Wiccan]]," ask her if she performs the Great Rite [[masturbation|solo]].
* Point out that the essence of magick is (like all other religions) just wishing really hard, and refusing to admit that it doesn't work.
* Point out that their "Five-Fold Kiss" does indeed involve genitalia and boobs, because Gerald Gardner was a horny old [[pedobear|man]] pining for teh [[Secks]]. If they start to yell at you, point out that they don't know their own [[cult|religion]]'s most basic "rituals".
* Tell them that Gerald Gardner [[God hates fags|hated faggots]] and as such homosexuals should not be allowed to join their cult. 
* Ask them if they found [[Jesus]] and give them a copy of the bible or a copy of the Watchtower or Chick tract.
* Point out it just doesn't fucking work.
* Point out that if it did work, burning witches at the stake would be a sensible precaution for a society to take.
* Remind them that magick's not real, because if it was there wouldn't so many fat, ugly wiccans.

== Gallery ==

<center><gallery>
Image:Bigjudystick.jpg|Happy midsummer, Lufthansa
Image:WICCA WAH WAH.jpg|Praise be...
Image:Faun,Witch 72dpi by Daniel Lezama.jpg|[[Idiot|Wiccan]] [[asking for it]]
Image:Anna.jpg|A [[Redundant|crudely drawn]] [[MS Paint]] witch, obviously done by the daughter of a wiccan.
File:Witch burn 2.jpg
File:Witches gonna witch.jpg
File:Wicca memes Change My mind.jpg
File:Wicca Raven meme 1.jpg
File:Witches meme - Grandmas.JPG
</gallery></center>

== See Also ==
[[File:Become a witch advert.jpg|thumb|right|Get witch quick scheme]]

* [[4chan]]
* [[Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab]]
* [[Celts]]
* [[Chelle]]
* [[Dave Henry]]
* [[Feminism]]
* [[Halloween‎]]
* [[Lesbian]]
* [[Neo-classic-neko]]
* [[Pagan]]
* [[Psion Guild]]
* [[Winged Wolf]]

==External Links==
* [http://www.religioustolerance.org/witchcra.htm Wicca: a Neopagan, Earth-centered religion]
* [http://www.wcc.on.ca/index.html The Wiccan Church of Canada]
* [http://www.wicca.com/ The Celtic Connection]
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SR5cUJNw3C8/ How to deal with a witch when you've spotted one]
* [http://witchcraftmagicspells.org Magic Spells]
* [http://www.erinpavlina.com/blog/2012/03/astral-sex-the-ecstasy-of-out-of-body-pleasure/ Why you became Wiccan in the first place]

{{Wiccanseries}}

{{Religions}}

{{truth}}

{{cults}}

{{Christianity}}

[[Category:Subcultures]][[Category:Satanism]]

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Since Wicca has no established doctrines, half of the things they do are pulled out of the Coven Leader's ass. The other half is a mish-mash of pseudo-religion stolen from medieval Catholic documents on witches, ''[[Harry Potter]]'', [[Disney]] films, and ''[[Buffy]] the Vampire Slayer''. When confronted with that fact, Wiccans will scream "[[NO U]]" and then proceed to rant about how Christians stole [[everything]] from them - such as the [[christmas|date of Christ's birth]] and the [[drown|custom of baptism]] - even though Christ wasn't born on December 21st and Jews would rather [[wat|shove red hot swords up their dicks]] than be covered in animal guts.

Wicca is the official religion of [[feminism]] and are believed to spread [[furfaggotry]] and [[Otherkin]]ism, making it a sort of gateway [[drug]] of faggotry.

-->