View source for Ted-Drakness

[[Image:God_I_m_Gay_by_Ted_Drakness.jpg|thumb|Yeah, basically.]]
[[Image:Eh Me TedDrakness.jpg|thumb|left|Ted in RL/earlier years. [[fatty|Man the harpoons]]!.]]<br>
[[Image:TedD.jpg|thumb|left| What Ted looks like today.]]

'''[[Powerword|Ashley Hoilman]]''', aka. '''Ted-Drakness''', aka. a failed abortion on it's mother's behalf is a [[bipolar]] DevianTART with a [[fangirl|certain appreciation]] for [[Jhonen Vasquez|Johann Sebastian Vasquez]], and probably [[buttsecks|friends]] with [[Katy]]. It is renowned for being a retard of astronomical levels and hermaphrodite skank that changes love interests as much as one changes underwear, but it's highly doubted that she's even mentally capable of even such simple tasks. It's hobbies include being batshit insane, [[Transgender|pretending to be a dude]], [[Crybaby|whining incessantly]], faking it's own death, [http://sluggie.deviantart.com/ ban evasion], and [[pedophilia]].

It's gallery is almost entirely filled with [[rule 34|more than its share of traumatizing fanart]], save for a couple of admittedly [[Photoshop|impressive original paintings]] which soon followed suit after her recent [[delusional|love affair]] with an internet user [[shit nobody cares about|whose real identity still remains uncertain.]] Why yes, it did believe [[anonymous|a complete stranger on the internet]] when he randomly approached it and told it he was [[Jhonen Vasquez|Jonah Vasquiz]]. THEY HAD A VERY SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP OKAY.

Their relationship abruptly ended when Ted-Drakness [[Fake internet deaths|committed e-suicide]] after learning the startling truth about it's true love [[Jhonen Vasquez|John Vespa]].

It's all for the best though - Ted-Drakness' <s>new-found</s> hobby for creating heartfelt journal entries about [[Unwarranted self-importance|horrible things that happen in her pathetic life]] of an epic length can't allow it the spare time to leave it's parents' [[basement]], let alone handle an e-[[boyfriend]].

Watch out for the [[lol|impending lawsuit]] from this: Ted-Drakness has written over 200 words about how it is going to sue ED. RUH-ROH.

Ted-Drakness was also a member of the "I Hate Encyclopedia Dramatica" club on [[DeviantART]], both before this article was written, and before [http://pillow-lover7.deviantart.com/ pillow-lover7] [[delete fucking everything|deleted fucking everything]].

==Emotional [[surprise sex|Raep]]==
In an extremely [[TL;DR]] but recent blog entry posted [[last Thursday]], Ted describes what has been [[fanfiction|going on]] between it and "[[lie|Mr. Vasquez]]" for [[at least 100 years]] now. She first began to suspect that her [[an hero|whole life has been a lie]] when it messaged him and he wasn't an [[asshole]]. When they [[cybersex|cybered]] as the lonely shepherd and a very naughty sheep, it still seemed somehow in the realm of plausibility, but it was when he expressed concern for fires going on in the same state as him, that things began to look shady. To it's [[wtf|dismay]], it turns out that [[ZOMG]]! "JCVasquezTHM on AOL is NOT JV!!"

[[Image:What has science done.jpg|thumb|I can't imagine how this could have started out bad...]]

{{squote|. . .today I found out something that has ripped my heart out and destroyed me completely. I began to get suspicious of this person when he told me he was evacuated due to the CA fires, but San Jose is no where near where they were. Today I e-mailed Dan from SlaveLabor and he contacted Jhonen and e-mailed me back saying that this person that I spent half a year in love with, half a year worrying about, getting to know, and over half a year devoted to...was not Jhonen.|Ted-Drakness|on common sense}}

{{squote|The real JV replied to me on MySpace and told me to stay away from anyone claiming to be someone famous, he was kind enough to answer me which made me feel a lot better. I'm trying to remind myself that the real JV did not do this to me so that it won't ruin my love for him and his fandom.|Ted-Drakness| on keeping priorities in order}}

{{quote|Hey. So like... Don't talk to people who claim to be famous on the internet, k?|Jhonen Vasquez|on sympathy}}

Ted then begins to explain to the internet that it feels "[[butthurt|emotionally raped]]" and will be needing to [[flounce|collect her toys and leave the sandbox]] for now.

==Gallery==
<center><gallery>
Image:too.jpg|T
Image:long.jpg|L;
Image:did not.jpg|D
Image:read.jpg|R
</gallery></center>

Just think, all the time wasted on crafting this epic of a textwall could have been better spent acquainting her major arteries with a razor blade.

==Internet Lawsuit==
Ted goes on to say that it will be definitely be calling in the [[whambulance|party van]] for the emotional damage it has endured. Mr. Anon C. Vasquez, obviously having forgotten that [[serious business|the internet is serious business]], has [[lulz|unrightfully stolen]] the online identity of a [[douchebag|very important person]], and can be sure to see it in [[internet trial|internet court]] sometime in the [[caturday|next week]].

{{quote|I've cried until I can not cry anymore. . . and in the end, all he had to say was 'I'm sorry.' And then asked me not to press charges... You're damn straight [[I'M PRESSIN CHARGES]]. But no amount of charges will take back what they did to me.|Ted-Drakness|on healthy relationships with real people}}

[[your mom|Her mom]] assures us that Ted will be perfectly fine, saying that it had pretty much the same reaction when it found out that [[Santa]] wasn't real.

[[Image:Dead-santa.jpg|thumb|Santa, emotional rape... Same thing.]]

{{quote|Yeah, it will be fine. It had pretty much the same reaction whenever it found out that Santa isn't real. |Ted's mom|on totally seeing this coming}}

AnonV. can expect to face a long sentence in [[internet jail]], as [[E-lawyers]] are relentless and [[Honorary Ed Lolington]] don't mess around. [[city_glitter|'''CRIME DOES NOT PAY.''']]

==Recovery==
Despite the recent loss, Ted is doing all it can to BE STRONG and begin on it's way toward a [[an hero|full recovery]] from this [[serious business|grave]] online tragedy.

{{squote|I am going to be alright, know that. It may take me a long time before I'm myself again, and I will never get over this completely, I'll always be scarred from it. But I'll press on, it's one of the hardest things I've had to deal with, but I'll deal with it. I'm going through different stages of recovery and it may be a long time before I'm myself again, but I think I'll be fine..or as fine as someone in my position could be.|Ted-Drakness|on staying strong in the face of imaginary adversity}}

It has started by leaving [[DeviantArt]], quitting painting altogether, and setting up a new [http://www.myspace.com/jimmyzbiggestfan MySpace] <s>shrine</s> page. In closing, the thing reminds us all that [[Jhonen Vasquez|Jihadnenon]] does not like his name to be butchered. So please stop raeping the good name of Mr. Vasqueeze, plzthx.

{{quote|Jhonen: It's pronounced fhsfwhfjk, learn that.|Ted-Drakness|on not fucking it up. Jesus, you guys.}}

==A [[emo|Heartfelt]] Response==
[[Image:Dib naked by TedDrakness.jpg|thumb|[[shota|'''LIES, ALL OF IT''']] ]]
[[Image:SqueeStrapONTedDrakness.gif|thumb|[[CP|'''LIESSSSSSSSSS''']] ]]

Goodness gracious me! Apparently Ted-Drakness does not appreciate Encyclopedia Dramatica using this page to "<nowiki>[tell]</nowiki> '''lies''' on everyone they can think of for the ''lulz''" (moar liek for the attention amirite?). Of course by "everyone they can think of" it means it's self, because you know,it's not the first and only beast we "tell lies on" ('''LIES LIES LIES''' AND WE BACK NOTHING UP WITH EVIDENCE oh wait shit [[DISREGARD THAT|disregard that]]), yet only now is it speaking out against teh haet.

Speaking out, you say? Welp, we can [[George Zimmer|guarantee]] that this ain't lies. After finding out about this beautiful piece of prose you are reading, Ted-Drakness posted yet another rather tl;dr journal outlining '''THE LIES''' we are telling. The lengthy diatribe can be read in full [[:File:EDliessssss.PNG|here,]] but please allow us to quote from it for your amusement:

{{quote|I am [...] a pedophile|[http://ted-drakness.deviantart.com/journal/15370637/ Ted Drakness]}}

And that's '''no lie'''!

If you can honestly read all the way through that cluster fuck of words then more power to you. ''IT IS FOUR PAGES LONG''. It is more than five hundred words longer than the article that spawned it (and only after this nifty wall-o-text section was added)! Keep in mind most of this article is quotes from Ted-Drakness [[hir]]self.

Mmmyes, you certainly have no unhealthy obsessions, Ted-Drakness.

==The Vasquez Response==
Upon reading this article, [[Jhonen Vasquez|Hornen]] had the following to say amidst trying to choke down the urge of vomiting even briefly:
{{quote|[[Image:ExplodingHead.gif]]<br>...and don't forget to buy from Slave Labor.|[[Jhonen Vasquez]]| on ED}}

==Hot for Granny==
[[Image:Hotforgramma.jpg|thumb]]
[[Image:Tedjourndrama1.jpg|thumb]]
In more recent lulz, it has confessed to thinking Ms. Bitters is hot and probably faps to her wrinkly image in her spare time as well. Then again, who could expect less from DA's biggest bipolar lunatic considering what she already likes? Yep, you bet your fugly deranged ass we're posting it.

==Not even her parents like her==
As of late last year and part of early 2009, Ted had a falling out with it's parents which eventually led to them both moving out because thanks to an inside source. Neither of them could stand it's incessant bitching, bipolar mood swings and general retardedness. Certainly all of which combined must have reached levels previously thought unknown to man for even it's own parents to split if that says anything about her being able to be a part of society of EVER being able to have a half sane love interest at all. Which it really DOES.

Most baffling of all is it's relationship between it and it's father which it claims molested it as a kid, which it hates him for and has even claimed to have developed a fear of intimacy from.
Even so it has been known to fantasize on it's journal and has even drawn father/son incest as well as pedophilia. One might conclude it secretly gets jollies thinking about what Papa Hoilman did to it but only claims to be traumatized to get extra special asspats from those foolish enough not to see how depraved the she-beast really is.  

As for it's mother, she has ran off with a 50 something guy and contacts Ted from time to time if only to bitch it out or send it presents, which leads one to believe she does this either to toy with her retard daughter's emotions or she is just as fucking apeshit nuts as her daughter. If in fact she is toying with it, it seems to be working thus proving what a complete and astounding idiot Ted is considering that a more recent journal praised mama for remembering it's B-day.


From the looks of things, Mama Hoilman's new man was only telling the truth.

== OMFG CANCER!one!! ==
Yes, Ted-fagness has contracted cancer of the ass from fucking her god-awful "artz" of irken sodomy. This has meant months upon months of her '''''[[BAWWW|bawwwwwwing]]''''' in her journals about how the chemotherapy sucks and how much of a douche her boyfriend that dumped him when he asked to move in with him was lol. 

But of course, there has been much speculation towards the truth of this faggotry, because anyone on the internetz claiming to have a terminal illness is [[Bullshit| telling the truth]] because he has recently completely forgotten she has cancer and has taken up the habit of being [[Butthurt|butthurt]] over 11 year olds posting pics of his shitty art on tumblr and loling about how much it sucks. She has made no mention of his terminal illness for about [[9000|9001 months]], so it seems he got bored of those types of tl;dr asspats, and decided to be an attention whore in another satanic form.

So she turned all his watcher TARTlets into his personal army every few days to take down the images and stroke her cancerous e-peen. She also got his on-again-off again [[Internet girlfriend|girlfriend]] (that gets butthurt and deletes her dA account [http://invaderpoe.deviantart.com/ every few days]) to spam the shit out of any artist that says anything moderately negative towards Ted or has an [[Original character|OC]] with the same name as his, even if it is complete coincidence. What's even better is she's also, completely, batshit insane. And she gets fucking pissed whenever someone "flirts" with her on her dA, because of course putting a smiley face in your comment counts as flirting you stupid little cunt :)

==White Soldiers of JU5T1C3!!!1!==
It is uncertain how this waste of internet bandwith has amassed a following of [[faggots|equally gay people]] but each member of this "cause" seems ever vigilant to their butthurt loving master. Whenever anything remotely hurtful or truthful of Ted surfaces, you're sure that [[Police|gay squad]] will alert it's majesty of the thing of little importance. These "white knights" (if you can call them that) go to the trouble to create side accounts on DA so that they can "protect" their lord and savior.

Three things you should do when you see this: 1. Not give a shit. 2. & 3. See step one.
These soldiers actually tire easily after a few days, mainly due to the fact they can't keep their mind on subject any longer than their master can.

Shit, if anyone on the internet could have decency enough to sit down with someone and discuss issues such as someone calling you a faggot without deleting an article, sending white whores, or even ''DEAR GOD'' writing mile long messages only to delete them at a later convenient time, maybe they could teach us all a thing or two. But nope. We got the ass fuckers.

==Paintings, "Art", and Screencaps for Great Justice==
{{cg|Ted Drakness's Bullshit|TedDrakBull|center|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:Puppet portrait.jpg
Image:Heart by Ted Drakness.jpg
Image:kinkaid in disguise.jpg|Ted-Drakness is actually Thomas Kinkade in disguise.
Image:Pirates of the... wait.jpg|Pirates of the Lolcow
Image:TeddraknessJTHMporn.jpg|...And Ted claims she doesn't draw porn.
</gallery>|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:More nny porn.jpg|Again, NOT porn!
Image:The Pillows Provoked Me.jpg|[[Masturbation|What Ted does when she's not pretending to die]]
Image:Ohwhatthefuck.jpg|Is nothing sacred?
Image:TEDisDED.gif|Did we mention that Ted-Drakness also faked her own death?
Image:LeavingSheezyArtBWAAAAAA.gif|I HAET YOU I HAET YOU SO MUCH
Image:recovery.jpg|Sometimes you just have to get away when DA reminds you of heartbreak...
Image:obsessive.jpg|Anon comes to our defense. Ted says, "NO U!!"
Image:Stop watching me pee by Ted Drakness.jpg|Ted-Drakness enjoys piss.
Image:Months Later by Ted Drakness.jpg|Oh lawd, is dat sum [[Mpreg]]?
Image:IdiotTedDrakness.jpg|CRAWLING IN MY SKINNNNNNNNNN
Image:Dib likes Toys.jpg|...Totally not a [[pedophile]].
Image:Teddy Sayz.jpg|Yet more proof she's absolutely NOT a [[pedophile]].
Image:AliensGotTedDrakness.gif|Ted got abducted by aliens. Srsly guyz.
Image:MolestedTedDrakness.gif|Wut.
Image:MyVoicesSezTedDrakness.gif|Ted [[Lies|talks to dead people.]]
Image:FUJV.jpg|DAMN THE MAN!
Image:Imafag teddrakness.JPG|Ted says she NEVER pretend to be a guy...But The WayBackMachine says otherwise.[http://web.archive.org/web/20051101034248/http://ted-drakness.deviantart.com/]
Image:Momhatesdadmolests teddrakness.JPG|Ted. Product of incest.
Image:TedDrakness-poetrycom-lol.jpg|Because winning something at poetry.com totally means you have talent.
Image:TedDrakness_Mmy_Tattoo.jpg|Ashley's supposed tattoo.  For her sake, we seriously hope it's just Sharpie marker.
Image:TedDrakness how many lix.jpg
Image:TedDrakness Confusion.jpg|AND SHE'S A FURRY TO TOP IT ALL OFF.
Image:TedDrakness Bit Of Yuri.jpg|'''xtreme''' arms
Image:TedDrakness Not Fair.jpg
Image:TedDrakness bloodydildo FU JV.jpg|In her spare time, Ashley enjoys writing angry messages in blood on her dildos and taking pictures of them.  "FUCK YOU JHONEN."
Image:TedDrakness_strapon.jpg|Note the lint particles stuck to the head.
Image:TedDrakness MmyXShake.jpg|what is this i dont even
Image:TedDrakness another ID.jpg
Image:Cute Kitty by Ted Drakness.jpg|How could you say she didn't draw it? You dick, she just has a talent for drawing like shit too.
Image:Wolf by Ted Drakness.jpg|Limiting pallet = painting 
Image:OldYearbook_TDrakness.jpg|Her ugly dead boyfriend/cousin a.k.a. the love of her life. BAAWW!
Image:Realjimmy.jpg|What Ted's obsession Jimmy would look like in real life.
Image:Jawbreaker moment.jpg|According to Ted Elephantiasis is sexy and Nny has a skirt fetish.
Image:Sex fiend.jpg| because nothing breathing or otherwise would do something so fucking ugly AND crazy.
Image:You2.jpg| even Mmy himself DOES NOT WANT the disgusting greasy skank that is Ted.
Image:Last minute babysitter by Ted Drakness.jpg| Another reason to hide your kids from Ted-Drakness.
Image:Tedtag.jpg| The excuse of depraved lunatic psychos and pedophiles everywhere.
<!-- Image:Jimmy shit.jpg -->
<!-- Image:Ted ugly as fuck.jpg| A rare photo of the beast. Lucky for the viewer's eyes, this image is grainy. -->
<!-- Image:Young Lion by Ted Drakness.jpg‎|The wonders of photoshop: A saviour to pseudo artists and no talent hacks everywhere. -->
</gallery>
|}}

==External Links==
*{{deviantart|ted-drakness}}
*{{deviantart|invaderpoe}} His butthurt "girlfriend"
*{{lj|user=teddrakness}}
*[http://www.myspace.com/jimmyzbiggestfan Ted-Drakness' MySpace]
*[http://yaoi.y-gallery.net/user/teddrakness/ Ted-Drakness at Y!Gallery]
*[http://teddrakness.sheezyart.com/ Ted-Drakness at Sheezyart]
*[http://ted-drakness.deviantart.com/art/Dress-Up-JCV-57592447 "LOL LET'S PLAY DRESS UP!"]
*[http://cub_eddy.tripod.com/index.html "Club Eddy" Fansite (Inactive since 2003)]
*[http://dap-o.deviantart.com/journal/Tork-my-sweet-boy-Y-U-CHEAT-ON-ME-218331998 "Ted's remaining proof of bullshit on DA"]
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*{{deviantart|toasted-skitzo}}</div>
{{DA}}

[[Category:DeviantART]][[Category:People]]