View source for Totse

[[Image:Totsesite.png|thumb|right|Wow! Now I can be a more efficient douche-bag in school! Thanks Totse!]]
[[Image:Metaphysicist.jpg|thumb|right|A picture of hated moderator Metaphysicist in his underwear and a tie-dye cape that user 13579 found. After posting, 13579 was promptly [[banhammer]]ed, even though he broke no rules.]]
[[Image:epic,fail.jpg|thumb|right|This acolyte does not know the awesome power of Raid!]]

[[Totse]] (AKA TOTSE or &T), or '''Temple Of The Screaming Electron''', was a throwback to old-school [[BBS]] days when being a [[hacker]] was about information, instead of being some sort of [[hipster|generic fashion statement]]. The main focus of Totse was the '''[[Forums|Community Bulletin Board]]''', followed by the '''[[Text Files]]''' section which had articles that appealed mostly to rebellious [[13 year old boy]]s who wanted to get revenge on their [[Nazi]] parents or wanted to plan the next [[Columbine]].  On the site you'd find information related to [[CSIII|computer security]], discussion of [[Pirat ponton|politics]], even some stuff about [[religion]]. Of course, 90[[%]] of the articles consisted of:

# Poorly written "instructions" on how to make bombs that will in all likelihood get you killed or arrested without doing any actual damage
# [[Pornography]] and other [[spam]]
# [[MR HAI|HAI TO YOU!]]
# Endless outdated phone "hacking" techniques
# How to get high off Raid and many other household items
# The 100th revision of the [[The Anarchist Cookbook]] text file

However, Totse wasn't all about text files. There was a fairly large forum with [[over 9000]] registered users, most of which were spam accounts & [[sock puppet]]s used to harass the oppressive [[moderator]]s. Totse even had its own flag and national anthem because Totse was [[serious business]]. Totse was created by Jeff Hunter, who didn't really run the site at all. Instead, he showed up once every couple of years to get drunk and vomit all over the servers causing the occasional downtime, leaving his tweaked out moderators to deal with the mess. 

Totse used to be the original source of [[lulz]] before websites like [[4chan]] came into existence. Since then, chanfags attempted to overrun Totse with their forced memes, but Totse is safe from the cancer by no longer existing. Totse thrived on its own set of memes, articles, lulz, and trolls. It still has its own IRC channel at [[Slashdot|Slashnet]] by the name of #totse, where newfags can try and suck dick to get inside.

Moderators of Totse included Zok, Metaphysicist (who later on became a supermod) and Euda (demodded for not kissing Meta's ass). Every other moderator was just a sock puppet of these three.

Totse was shut down in January 2009 and majority of totse users were left stranded. There were two main clones of Totse - <s>[http://www.zoklet.net/ zoklet.net]</s> and <s>[http://www.totse2.com Totse2.net]</s>, which soon migrated to <s>[http://www.totse2.com Totse2.com]</s>. In June 2010 <s>[http://www.totse.info Totse.info]</s>(gone)was created for [[fags|those]] who hated zoklet and were weary of totse2. 

==Orientation Video==

An accurate video regarding Totse and its faggotry.

<center><youtube>C7D8TGskWXg</youtube></center>

==Totse Forums==
[[Image:Lol_announcements.jpg|thumb|right|In the words of Snoopy, "Someone needs to have their diaper changed..."]]
[[Image:Totseforum.png|thumb|right|Typical forum argument]]

===Spurious Generalities===

What was originally a gathering ground for emotionally damaged [[Ethical_Hacker|ethical hackers]], SG over the years became a massive chatroom for morons to bitch excessively about how much they hated the moderators for locking their retarded topics, and [[shit nobody cares about|other typical teenage problems]]. If that wasn't bad enough, the fail had received an upgrade thanks to SG being overrun by the same [[The Cancer That Is Killing /b/|carcinogens that infected -- and continues to infect -- /b/]].  Spurious was to be avoided at all costs, unless you actually ''wanted'' to reverse the effects of [[puberty]]. Breeding point of [[MR HAI]].

===Better Living Through Chemistry===

This was your typical [[420chan|drug forum]], consisting mostly of kids drinking whatever they could find under the sink to get a buzz. The one difference with this forum was that it was the recruiting grounds for most of the Totse moderators. The job description for moderators on Totse required them to take more pills and illicit substances than [[Ripper]] to stay constantly awake to handle the tidal wave of [[faggotry|teenage lunacy]] that Totse's userbase dealt out.

People in BLTC had also been known to think [[crap|Windows Movie Maker]] would produce high quality videos. 

<center><youtube>9PJampHoggc</youtube></center>

===Sex and Affection===
[[Image:P0nti.jpg|thumb|right|Typical Totsean.]]
[[Image:Toaster_burns.jpg|thumb|left|LOL DONGS]]
[[Image:Poniti_at_it_again.jpg|thumb|right|Still typical.]]

{{quote|That's ridiculous, jerking to CP doesn't hurt anyone. I used to molest the family cat in my teenage years, but I got over it and it's not something I'd do again. I'm not ashamed of it at all and anyone that wouldn't be willing to accept me because of my past actions isn't worth my time.|Malice}}

This forum had little to do with any real sex and even less about affection.  Almost all of the users were [[angsty teen]]s that had no real experience except technically losing their virginity by having [[cybersex]]. One highly delusional mod of this forum, named Jackketch, fashioned himself to be God's gift to women and was generally hated by the masses. Like any forum on the Internet about sex there were common dumbass questions like:

* Omg this girl likes me! WHAT DO I DO?
* If I wait 6 months do I get my virginity back?
* [[Almost raped|I had sex with this guy, and now I regret it....  can I charge him for raping me?]]
* If I don't lose my virginity by 15 should I get a hooker or kill myself? 
* I'm 14 and my penis is 17inches long ([[lie|I'm not lying...NOT LYING!]])... will this be enough to satisfy my [[imaginary|potential]] girlfriend?  
* [[HTS-Noob|Alright, there's a highlighter stuck in my ass.]]

A very common and very touchy subject among the massive angsty teenage male population, was the whole self-proclaimed "[[Nice Guys]]" misogynistic rant about how apparently all women are whores because they don't want to be near whiny repulsive stalkers. Fact: Most, if not all, of Totse users were virgins and had no lives. 

You want a woman? [[IRL|Get off the computer and spend more time outside.]]

===Bad Ideas===

This forum was the reason why most [[luser|people]] joined Totse. It was filled to the brim with people talking about things that could get them put in [[party van|jail]] for a very long time, [[stupid|openly and freely,]] thinking that using the term SWIM (Someone Who Isn't Me) would protect them from [[lie|prosecution.]]

===Weapons and Combat===

This forum was composed mainly of rednecks and niggers who whined that politicians were [[Nazi]]s because they wouldn't let them own armor-piercing, high explosive, depleted-uranium, 120mm, 600 round per minute machine guns, with a personal 300 kiloton hydrogen bomb launcher.  The other half of the members were [[wapanese]] fucks who watched [[Quentin Tarantino|Kill Bill]] one too many times, bought shitty $50 [[plastic crap|samurai swords,]] and preached this bullshit rhetoric that they had some kind of honor and could deflect bullets. 

===Backyard Ballistics===

Also known as the "bomb making forum", Backyard Ballistics was where wannabe [[terrorist]]s and [[pyro]]s learned how to make explosives out of everything from peanut butter to dipping your genitals in nitric acid.  To become popular here, your best shot would have been to post topics about the informative knowledge of the "[[The Anarchist Cookbook]]" that you learned from [[Bombshock]].

Incidentally, saying "bomb" here apparently resulted in a [[IRL B&]].

===Moving Pictures===

There were only four types of topics here:
* Pulp Fiction quotes
* [[Donnie Darko]] discussion
* Fight Club discussion
* Dead Nigger Storage

===Half Baked===

[[Image:Totsetilegoat.jpg|thumb|It is also a known fact that goatse was in fact a spin-off off Totse's name.]]

Half Baked was Spurious Generality's intelligent yet retarded brother. It consisted of a small community made up of MILFs, [[niggers]], emos, women, Albinos, [[HandOfZek|gay people]], and some respectable posters. You would have to experience Half Baked for a long time in order to like it, i.e. until you contracted violent and severe mental retardation. Half Baked was the pain in Totse's ass. HBers were responsible for having the rep system disabled and the majority of Totse's trolls were HBers. What's more, the users in this forum were lonely loser virgins who wouldn't know how to bang a [[trap|woman]] if she fell on to their dicks. 


{{Quote2|The combined brainpower of the forum would probably allow for a runt sparrow to spiral slowly to it's ominous death, desperately flapping one viable wing.|DaGuru|color=silver|size=360%}}


===Bitch And Moan===

This was the parasitic twin of Half Baked, that just happened to have [[AIDS]].

==Forum Functions==

The Totse forums used to run on a 75-year-old [[BBS]] scripted in [[Notepad]] that had been beaten, disemboweled, raped, and looks like Windows™ 3.1.  Since it was so old, many users abused one of the millions of [[Portal|loopholes]] which allowed them to stretch the pages as wide as [[goatse]]'s anus.  Another drawback, was that there could only be a maximum of 4 moderators per forum; this had driven most of them to the brink of insanity, and many were known to have taken massive amounts of crystal meth just to handle the job. However, on 4 April 2007, the old BBS was replaced with a new, but very [[homosexual]] vBulletin system, in a massive revolution of [[clusterfuck]].

===The Rep System===
[[Image:RepjerkinAnim.gif|thumb|Pretty much the summary of the whole rep system.]]

A short-lived feature that allowed one to have a graphical representation of their [[e-penis]]es to show off to one another. This ill-fated feature was exploited and gang-raped until it drowned in e-[[Bukkake]]. Thankfully, the user known as Harold failed to get the mods and admins to reinstate the Rep System. Harold failed at his protest and life itself. [[gay|There were changes to the board shortly  after, including buddy lists and the tagging of threads.]] It was speculated that Jeff would rename Totse to the [[facebook|Facetemple]].

===Flood Control and 5char===
[[Image:Floodpwn.GIF|thumb|left|This is an [[E-Psychiatrist|E-Diagnosis]] telling you that you have [[ADD]].]]

Jeff was getting sick of people flooding the boards with scat porn and making worthless posts to inflate their e-penis (post count in this case), so he decided to implement an essential device called '''Flood Control'''. Basically, whenever some asshole decided to post a topic immediately after another, it stoped them from posting for 63 seconds. The only problem was that a large chunk of Totse [[13 year old boy|members]] could not grasp the oh-so-simple concept that '''a [[BBS]] is not a fucking instant messenger'''. Users frequently bitched about how 63 seconds was just too long to wait. But then again, one should never underestimate the violent stupidity of the [[teenager|teenage]] mind. Since its placement, flood control kept Totse from spiraling into complete [[faggotry]]. It should also be noted that both [[New Orleans]] and [[Atlantis]] could have benefited from flood control.

One other side effect of the new [[bullshit|vBulletin]] software was that no post could contain less then five characters, preventing the old ''+1'' (to post count) posts and threads. This was done in an effort to get people to actually [[stfu|say something]], but it was soon figured out that simple bit of [[ASCII]] trickery would get around 5char by making blank spaces.  

==[[Memes]]==
[[Image:Raid2.JPG|thumb|You know you want to...]] 

Over the years the Totse forums had several main memes before being completely overrun by the [[INTERNET HATE MACHINE]]. These included:

*'''[[Jenkem]]''': One of Totse's more infamous and wide-spread memes. The guy you see making/huffing Jenkem in all those pictures? A Totsean named Pickwick.
*'''Huff Raid''': Quite possibly Totse's biggest meme due to the fact that it was a part of a fairly lulzy forum event. Sometime in 2002 or 2003, a [[13 year old boy]] went in Better Living Through Chemistry and asked the [[typical]] question, "How do I get high off of household materials?". One user, who went by the name of pennylane, told the kid to huff Raid bug spray as a joke. Not surprisingly, the [[gullible]] moron fell for it, and about a day or so later, the kid's account made a post that was titled from his mother, claiming that he was in the hospital. The forum members told her how stupid she was, that she should [[Gb2|get back to the]] kitchen, and other insults to which she replied "[[Butthurt|I will get all of your IP's and you are all going to JAIL for this]]."  It is not sure what ever happened or if it was just trolling, but the story lived on to become the top meme on the forums.
*'''Murder/Suicide''': Totse members [[period|hemorrhaged]] angst on a daily basis, which caused them to post long, boring, emo rants that lacked spelling or [[maturity]]. Murder/Suicide became the most appropriate answer to any of these posts, forcing the poster to shut up or become [[an hero]].  Very similar to the [[TITS OR GTFO]] maneuver.
*'''Molotov Everything''': Another response to solve one's problems.
*'''SCREEAAAAAAW''': Some buttfucker once made a thread about what it would be like to ride around on pterodactyls instead of cars, and this is what Totse had to say.
*'''Dome''': Spawned when a [[genius|retard]] came to Totse for advice on how to get head, but instead referred to it as dome.
*'''My Uncle gave me herpes''': Origin unknown.
*'''You're a hardcore faggot''': The go-to response when Half Baked got angry.

==Totse's Shenanigans==

===Forum Warfare===
[[Image:Totsetimesquare.JPG|thumb|Totse army invades times square.]]
[[Image:Lol_jizz.JPG|thumb|[[Bitches_dont_know|Totse knows nothing]] about [[Ebaumsworld|Ebaums]], but they hate it either way.]]

In the days before the existence of [[YTMND]] & [[4chan]], Totse was on their own.  Their shitty software was prone to attacks such as the [[Stile_Project|SPF]] raid.  The Totse [[basement-dwelling]] elite found a solution to their problems: '''TOTSE ARMY'''.  The Totse army was a group of [[hacker]]s and [[skript kiddies]] who would stand up against Totse's enemies, executing massive spam attacks against their forums. They were basically an early form of [[internet military]]. The first targets in their career were the long time rivals at [[bombshock]] after some idiot from there came to Totse with the sole intent of [[trolling]] the shit out of the place. Totse once tried to make a gigantic "TOTSE" banner on [[drawball]], however, they were all too goddamn stupid to organize their efforts resulting in two crappy banners that got thoroughly pwned by the [[Korean]]s.

However, {{youtube|WasQkSgIcvM|the long gone army}} <s>[http://www.bebo.com/JeffH795 may be coming back]</s> (Probably not, since the site is gone.)

When they got bored they decided to do forum raids against random communities (much like 4chan's /b/). Things went well until they decided to attack the "[http://www.lotrplaza.com/default.asp The Lord of the Rings Fanatics Plaza]". After the army finished raping and goatseing the shit out of the place, the forum dwellers called Jeff Hunter and threatened [[legal action]].  For the first time in [[at least 100 years]] Jeff Hunter actually posted on the forums and basically told everyone to knock it the fuck off.  He then pulled out his [[Giant dildo of death|massive cock shaped]] [[banhammer]] and sodomized the Totse army, who moved on to [[drawball]].

===Media [[Controversy]]===
The media often did specials on Totse, due to the fact that any searches like "How to make a bomb with household items" and "How do I lose my virginity to my sister?" turned up Totse as the first and most [[relevant]] search. At one point, the [[Canadian]] media blamed Totse for turning all of Kamloops, British Columbia into a gigantic meth lab. Then, the Canucks's cited that Totse turned 17 ordinary white Canadian citizens in Ontario into full blown Muslim extremists.

Australian media also blamed Totse for being the most sophisticated online terrorist training ground in the world, and featured an image of a Totse user on their "[http://www.nationalsecurity.gov.au/agd/www/nationalsecurity.nsf/AllDocs/D1197555B9B04E9FCA256FAB00168903?OpenDocument National Security Information Campaign]" poster.  '''''[[PROTIP]]:''''' Look closely at the outdoor PDF.

Friday 27th October 2006, a Totse member hacked a parking lot sign in a perfect example of [[shameless self promotion]], causing [[lulz]] among morning drivers. [http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/localnews/display.var.990185.0.rude_awakening_for_dawn_drivers.php] [http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/10/27/crawley_signs_hacked/]

[[image:Totsetelegraph.JPG|thumb|frame|PARKING LOT'S CLOSED.|center]]

[[Last Thursday|November 2nd, 2007]], Chollier County, FL sheriff's department circulated a memo about a new drug, [[Jenkem]]. Local news got a hold of this lolcow and showed just how stupid [[old media]] really is. The video includes pictures of Pickwick and his [[shit|wonderful creation]] with 'Totse' clearly visible on the container. [http://www.winknews.com/news/local/10987146.html Story Here.] 

===TsuN00bie Summer '08===
[[Image:Totse_account_whoring.jpg|thumb|User Walrus's sister whoring for an account.]]
On July 4th, registration for the forums opened after a year of being closed, creating a wave of new users wanting bomb instructions and how to inject Jenkem or smoke nutmeg.

===November Flush===
On November 2nd, 2008 someone [[pwned|got ahold of]] one of Jeff Hunter's old admin accounts and proceeded to [[buttsex|have a little fun]] with the forums. Half Baked was his first target, removing the two mods and replacing them with people [[aids|who hated HB.]] Then, as if it couldn't get any dumber after that, a random user from the board was put in charge for about two seconds before [[DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING|he deleted fucking everything]]. It came back, but thousands of people had [[butthurt|lost posts]] from their postcount.

Some say there was also a [[TLDR|literature forum]] and a military forum deleted, but [[nobody_cares|its absence was not felt.]]

==She's Gone U Gaiz==
[[Image:Bye.jpg|thumb|left|Jeff bids Adieu]]
The coming of [[jesus|Pastor Sehmish]]<s>[http://bbs.zoklet.net/showthread.php?t=2964]</s> heralded the death of Totse.  Like Noah, the Pastor tried to save Totse but none would repent, so God's wrath came upon the forum and its members like it did in [[buttsex|Sodom and Gomorrah]] and on January 17th, 2009, Totse was shut down. The majority of previous [[faggots|members]] left to the Zoklet.net forums , where the Pastor continues to spread the [[bible|gospel]] and seek [[faggotry|support]].  [[you|Everyone]] who was tired of [[nigger|Zok's]] [[shit|shit]] went to totse.info <s>[http://www.totse.info/bbs]</s>. Though, after much faggotry on part of DFG and TDR, people quickly realized that totse.info was '''shit'''  and fucked off back to Zoklet.net
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==Gallery==

{{cg|Totse's Gallery|totsesgallery|center|<gallery>
Image:Raid_huffing_technique.jpg|A Totsean demonstrates proper raid huffing techniques.
Image:Toaster_burns.jpg|[[luser|User]] In Bloom... 
Image:Toaster_burns2.jpg|...put his dong...
Image:In_Blooms_toaster.jpg|...in this thing.</gallery>|<gallery>
Image:Depressedtotse.jpg|KILL YOURSELF. LOL.
Image:TypicalSg.jpg|A typical SG Thread.
Image:Retardgangrape.png
Image:TOTSEChurchsign.jpg
Image:Totse spiders.jpg
Image:Totseprop.jpg
Image:Typical totseans.JPG|Xippili and Tsunami [married].
Image:Undertheposts.gif
Image:totse.jpg
Image:MetaAndLis.jpg|Lol, Meta.
Image:MetasDaughter.jpg|And she's just damn ugly.
Image:Totse shirt.jpg
Image:Totse_man.jpg
Image:Totsebg.png|Police detectives believe that the Totse background pattern has subliminal messages aimed to corrupt our youth.
Image:Totse shit.jpg
Image:Uncletotse_copy.jpg
Image:Brown finger.jpg
Image:Totse demotivate.jpg
Image:Totsegifmovie.gif
Image:Ho-bag.jpg|Dont click, is ho-bag!
Image:MOLOTOVEVERYTHING.jpg
Image:4chan hates totse.jpg
Image:Totsecat.jpg
Image:Totseownsanon.jpeg|Only Totse [[newfag|newfags]] refer to Totse as &T
Image:Totsesuckscock.GIF|Totse loves the cock, according to [[RottenEggs]].
Image:Eat_lightning,_shit_thunder_copy.jpg‎|&T propaganda to print and paste around.
Image:ToosayQR.jpg‎|Another example of &T propaganda, a sticker-sized QR code linking to the totse.info forums.
</gallery>}}

==Totse Comics==
Totse has its own comic series made by Jeff Huntard himself.
<BR>
<div align="center"><gallery perrow="5">
Image:9comic.PNG|Many lulz at members' expense
Image:12comic.PNG|Poor Wires.
Image:28comic.PNG|DRAMA in the series pt 1 (Don't read... May cry!)
Image:29comic.PNG|DRAMA in the series pt 2 (sad reader is sad)
Image:Levo75_comic.PNG|WritingACock gets real advice
</gallery></div>

==Famous Totse Members==
*[[HTS-Noob]]
*[[MR HAI]]
*[[Bloodydiaperman]]
*[[Tr1p]]
*[[Pickwick]]
*[[HandOfZek]]

==See Also==
*[[Text files]]
*[[Ascii art]]
*[[Anarchy]]
*[[The Anarchist Cookbook]]
*[[Cult of the Dead Cow]]
*[[Brisbane|The Totse Brisbane Meetup Jan '08]]
*[[Paladin-Press]]
*[[Bombshock]]
*[[RottenEggs]]
*[[Pyro]]
*[[Jenkem]]

==External Links==
*<s>[http://totse2.com/totse/ Totse Text-Files Mirror, hosted by Totse2.com]</s>
*<s>[https://www.totseans.com Totseans, formerly Totse.info]</s>
*<s>[http://www.Totse2.com Totse2.com]</s>
*<s>[http://www.totse2.com/content.php?113-Text-Files Totse2 Text-Files]</s>
*lol dead, [[and nothing of value was lost]]
*[http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/localnews/display.var.990185.0.rude_awakening_for_dawn_drivers.php Totse users show that they are still 1337 HaXorZ]
*[http://img264.imageshack.us/my.php?image=lolwe1.swf An accurate flash video about Jeff Hunter]
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20080925213832/http://www.freewebs.com/enterlol/ Totse Comics, archived]

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