View source for X is not your personal army

[[File:Fb-nypa.jpg|thumb|An example of a fail personal army request: "zomg my gf cheated on [https://www.facebook.com/AustinPerryAkaAlva me] with this guy, he is an abuser! go get him internets!"]]
[[Image:alex_cockmongler.jpg|thumb|"No, I'm much more subtle with my destruction of her life. I don't destroy it face-to-face with her. Instead I hire you guys."]]

In this shiny new era of [[Web 2.0]], it seems almost as if any random [[you|faggot]] has the power to create a [[fail|powerful]] social movement. And the [[b/|seedier]] [[7chan|parts]] [[420chan|of]] [[i/|the]] [[Encyclopedia Dramatica|internet]] have shown an ability to inflict great [[lulz|pain]] on whoever they deem worthy. Naturally, you think, someone with as much [[Asperger's Syndrome|cunning]] and [[Dying alone|charisma]] as you should certainly be able to sway the opinion of these masses, and get them to do your bidding. Right?

Wrong. '''The Internet is not your personal army.'''

Throughout time, numerous dipshits have attempted to unite the [[anonymous]] hordes in battle. They tried to start raids against their ex-girlfriends, their teachers, their co-workers, their dogs, et cetera - and nobody cared! Why? Simple - they failed to realize that '''the Internet was not their personal army'''.

"''But this is different''," you may say. "''This girl really IS a bitch! And she cheated on me with her own cousin! And she [[Zippocat|sets kittens on fire]]! And she lied on her tax forms!!1''" The fact of the matter is that [[Shit no one cares about|no one gives a shit]]. (Maybe about [[Dusty]], but that is a different story.) The Internet doesn't order hundreds of pizzas and thousands of boxes to someone's doorstep out of some ''sense of justice'' - frequently the victims of such harassment are gigantic [[asshole]]s to begin with, but there is a far more important factor that determines the likelihood of a raid actually happening -

'''[[I did it for the lulz|Would it be lulzy?]]'''

When [[Hal Turner]] was taken off the air, everyone laughed. When [[Alex Wuori]] ran crying to [[Fox News]], everyone laughed. But why did they laugh? Certainly, these people were idiots. But the difference between [[Subeta]] and that little five-person shitpot [[IRC]] channel you hate so much is the amount of people who care about it. Subeta was a throbbing tumor in the Internet's [[goatse|colon]]. It irritated ''a lot of people''. So, natch, a lot of people were amused by its [[ruin|ruination]]. Whereas your ex-girlfriend ''doesn't'' irritate a lot of people - just you. Nobody on the Internet knows who the fuck she ''is''. Nobody on the Internet ''cares''. Why the hell would any self-respecting [[Internet tough guy|e-warrior]] put any effort into fucking with someone when [[you]] are the only person who will ever notice or care?

'''Answer: he won't.'''

Plain and simple - people raid websites, invade forums, make prank phone calls and order pizzas to people's houses at 3:00 AM because ''it's funny''. Not because they're [[faggot|a part of some super secret internet hacker gang]], not because they're the [[White knight|Sacred Protectors of Internet Justice]], not because their [[Emo|dark tortured souls cry for the blood of innocents]]. It's that simple, guys!

'''So what can I do?''' You have three options:

<ol style="list-style-type:lower-alpha;">
<li>Swallow it like the loser that you are.</li>
<li>Man up and deal with the situation face to face (not likely, see '''a.''').</li>
<li>Use [[tor]], [[iMacros]] and other software solutions to perform a raid of your own (but you are a [[dumb]] [[fatass]]).</li>
<li>Kill yourself. The most likely option, so [[suicide|read more]].</li>
</ol>

== Hall of Fail ==
* [[Alex Wuori]] - ''"Hey guise I don't like this girl! Raid her for me!"'' When this was ignored, he proceeded to shit up everything /i/-related for a while. Destroyed shortly thereafter by Anonymous.
* [[Ernest Peters]] - ''"Hey guise I don't like my English teacher! Raid her for me!"'' Quickly backfired, resulting in third-degree [[ruin]]ation both publicly and privately.
* [[Shane Brown]] - ''"Hey guise I got trolled by this girl! Raid her for me!"'' While the girl in question was clearly a grade-A internet superhero, Shane had repeatedly shown himself to be a butthurt little bitch. Guess who it was more fun to fuck with?
* [[Paul Fetch]] - ''"Come with me, my YouTube minions! Together we shall defeat Anonymous!"'' For some reason, his "army" never showed up. But Anonymous sure as hell did.
* [[Seph Lawless]] - ''"Thanks, Anonymous, for taking care of my trolls!"'' Anonymous digs up years worth of lulz and compiles it into his very-own ED article. You're welcome, Joe.

==Special Rare Offer!==
Fill this form and send it to our competent admins at [https://forum.encyclopediadramatica.online our forums]:

<pdf>File:EDF_PAR_Request_Form.pdf</pdf>

== See Also ==
* [[Raid]]
* [[Backraid]]
* [[Attack Article]]
* [[Vanity Page]]
* [[Unwarranted Self Importance]]
* [[Shit no one cares about]]
* [[Olivia Parson]]
* [[User:Onideus|Onideus]]
* [[/b/]]
* [[4chan]]
* [[7chan]]
* [[:File:EDF PAR Request Form.pdf|Personal army request form]] (PDF)


{{Web 2.0}}
{{Psychology}}
{{Memes}}
{{Chans}}
{{Cancer}}

[[Category:Internets Phenomena]]