View source for Portland

{{Distinguish|Seattle}}
[[Image:Homeless.jpg|thumb|Portland in a nutshell|400x300px]]
[[Image:KPWLB.jpg|thumb|right| City Motto]]
[[Image:5481928974 20169feb35.jpg|thumb|right| City Slogan]]

The air is thick with self-righteousness. The twin spires of the Oregon Convention Center prick the sky like a pair of dirty syringes. The streets are packed with panhandlers and punks, while I-5 snakes its way through the chaos like a twisting, writhing serpent. It has about it an unbearable atmosphere of pomp, while the masses [[Fap|pleasure themselves]] to the idea of being “weird” and “quirky”. Normalcy is the ultimate crime in this city: [[NORP|Those who ride bicycles while clothed and drink commercial beers such as Budweiser and Coors]] are frowned upon, and are rejected by the public for not “keeping it weird”. At the center of the infected mass lies Courthouse Square, the tiresomely beating heart of the beast. It is an area through which thousands pass through daily to perform pretentious spiritual activities such as yoga, meditation, or simply twitching spasmodically for hours on end. The city is a labyrinth of seedy shops and office buildings, desperately attempting to stimulate the local economy. Welcome to Portland, Oregon.

Portland is the Short Bus of the West Coast and the libtard capital of Oregon.  It's where people go when they don't cut it anywhere else.  The rent is cheap, there's no sales tax, the art/music "scene" is [[oh exploitable]], the [[niggers]] are corralled to the north, and the [[white people]] are passive and non-confrontational.  Most of them keep their eyes on the pavement and freak out if you say "hi".  There are probably more basement dwellers here than any other type of person, and are actually considered part of the "in crowd" since most of Portland's trolls and hipsters have died off in a massive heroin plague.  If someone invites you to a "cool party" be wary; they're letting in fat neckbeards and ugly [[lesbians]] (another thing this town is famous for) in these dark and troubled times.     

Portland is number two in the country for heroin addiction.  Closely related is the fact that it's number one in creepy strip clubs. This is where girls and sometimes guys earn the money for their habit, their musician boyfriend's habit, and their weekly trip to the tattoo parlor.  None of this makes sense anymore because, while the heroin used to be primo, it is now shit that reeks of vinegar and only gets you high until you're hooked.  Yet locals are still weak and desperate enough to pay 20, 25, even 30 dollars a balloon, when the Mexicans sell 'em for 15.  The Mexicans are very professional and if you swing a connection they'll meet you anywhere in their inconspicuous sedans.  They'll front you thirty bucks but anymore and they cut you off.  This is always happening to junkies so they'll latch onto an alternate connection like a baby to a razorblade.  An EDiot can make a decent living off this price differential, and pick up a stripper girlfriend to boot. 

Interesting: It's widely believed that Portland has the most Porn shops per capita in the USA. 

Nobody who lives inside 82nd actually goes to the strip clubs.  They exist only for 300 pound bikers from some alternate dimension;  they enjoy ignoring the girl (who dances exclusively for tips).  What they enjoy is the fact that she's helpless in the background, dancing for their biker lulz, and also for that slight whiff of cunt in their PBR.  Strippers in Portland are usually very young and bored, so you can practically charm them right off the stage if you've got drugs and they're pissed at their boyfriends.  This goes for non-stripper Portland girls as well.  If you know how to talk to girls, have a working knowledge of indie music, and some cash, any human-looking guy or lesbian can pick up girls who look exactly like the ones who turned you down in Williamsburg or San Fran.  

==People==
Social Trivia: If you're from Portland no one else in Oregon will take you seriously, because ''your city's a joke''. 

Portland has a reputation for being high-minded, [[John Edwards|progressive]] and full of [[unwarranted self-importance]].   It is widely known as the [[white]]st, [[lazy|laziest]], with the biggest concentration of [[racist]]s in denial than anywhere in the world and the most racist large city in America burg west of [[New Orleans]], in spite of what anyone with a case of [[butthurt]] hometown loyalty will tell you.  The biggest bullshit [[emo]] poster boy hometown loyalty spokesperson shill speech for Portland ever can be heard here: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8wLgJ3aL64]. 

Portland is [[Brad Fitzpatrick]]’s old-school spawning pool and west coast connection for [[hookers and blow]]. He can often be seen rolling, [[Riding Dirty]] and being hated at on [[white trash|82nd avenue]], hitting every one of Portland’s legendary [[stripper|strip club]]s he can get [[banhammer|tossed out]] of. Some argue that he started [[Six Apart]] in an effort to get more pierced, [[tattoo]]ed and unshaven Anarcho-Portlander [[snatch]] through LJ's ingenious [[social networking]] [[The Power 5|powers]]. All he ended up doing was sowing the seeds of [[LJDrama]] and therefore, by extension, [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]]'s glorious [[commonwealth]].

Much of the legendary [[Mediacrat]] dekbacle involved the now-defunct {{ljcomm|Portland}} community as well as the city itself. The citizens of Portland have a natural talent for [[drama]].

Much of the town is owned by skin-rag publisher and strip-club impresario [http://www.portlandtribune.com/news/print_story.php?story_id=21133 Frank Faillace].  By exploiting his tenuous links to organized crime, Frank has obtained a stranglehold on Portland's titty-bar and shitty-local-bands nightlife scene.  Then he gave his worthless film-school [[fucktard]] of a son {{myspace|frankieflatch|Frank Jr.}} a job at his flagship enterprise, the abysmal [[Wikipedia:Dante%27s|Dante's]], an excellent club if your idea of a good time is either listening to an ex-morbidly [[obese]] Ex-[[Mormon]] [[bible thumper]], (aka Clyde Lewis of Ground Zero Lounge)  preach the horrors of doomsday scenarios or getting your head smashed in by overzealous bouncers while ugly strippers breathe fire and wield chainsaws as part of some brain-dead asshole's conception of "alternative" erotic entertainment. 

'''PROTIP:''' Frank is a [[douchebag]] but he's been known to pack heat when shaking down local strip-club owners, so don't fuck with him.   

Portland is also home to once daring but now tedious novelist [[Wikipedia:Chuck_Palahniuck|Chuck Palahniuk]].  His trashy, pretentious books have become required reading for yuppies who want to seem "edgy."  One of his novels was made into a highly successful film, [[Fight Club]], which bolstered his career as a [[fail|writer-who-failed-to-live-up-to-his-early-potential]].  Chuck is a highly visible Portland resident, and can often be seen enjoying typical Portland activities such as getting drunk, going to strip clubs, and erm...getting drunk in strip clubs.  Although primarily a [[fag]], he has an omnivorous sexual appetite, and frequently scours local dive bars for fresh young hipster meat to feed into the maw of his insatiable lust.  Nearly every person, male or female, in Magic Gardens on any given night has fucked Chuck at least twice. He's also a regular participant in Portland's Santa-Con, an annual event in which obnoxious assholes dress up as Santa Claus and go on a downtown drinking spree.  It's not as much fun as it sounds, as anyone who has any real fun will end up getting arrested, because the PPD doesn't put up with that shit.  

Due to the permissiveness of liberal [[fucktard|fucktardry]], and the fact that there's fuck all else to do in this God-forsaken town, Portland is believed to have the most strip clubs per capita of any U.S. city.  Portland has over 50 strip clubs while, to put the situation in perspective, the "great" city of [[Seattle]] has [http://archive.fo/yMxPu only four]. 50:4 = almost 13 strip clubs for every one that Seattle has. While this may make Portland seem like the promised land to horny wastrels, it should be borne in mind that there is a [[pain]]ful dearth of [[attractive]] [[women]], which means that titty-bars have to scrape the bottom of the barrel to keep all those poles occupied during business hours.

Also, Portland has the [[Fail|Portland Trailblazers]], one of the worst basketball teams in history.

[[Last thursday]], an [[unfunny]] TV show was released called "[[Fail|Portlandia]]". It starred Fred Armisten and a few other people [[noone]] had ever heard of engaged in [[No|SOOPER FUNNI THINGS THAT PORTLANDERS DO!!!!!1!!one :D]], like being a libtard hippie imbecile and [[Unfunny|PUTTING A BIRD ON IT ZOMG LOLOLOL!!!]]. 
<center><youtube>HX8BsX3IIa4</youtube></center>

==History==
[[Image:Indianslutz.jpg|thumb|The Lewis & Clark expedition|300x200px]]
[[Image:Dlbdied.jpg|thumb|These things happen]]

Once upon a time, while [[America]] was still in [[beta]] format, Thomas Jefferson bought [[at least 100]] acres of [[bandwidth]] from [[France]]. At the time, Napoleon was still trying to win his [[IRL]] game of ''Civilization III'' in [[Europe]] and was in desperate need of more [[Gold|resources]]. Thomas Jefferson took a break [[fucking]] [[slave]]s to find a pair of testers to check his new purchase for bugs and potential '[[Hax|sploits]] that [[Canada]] or [[Mexico]] might use against ''[[America]] [[windows|v.3.11 (for Workgroups)]]'', and two [[Virginia]]ns named Lewis and Clark volunteered and had an [[epic]] expedition.

After hearing about Lewis and Clark’s expedition, a bunch of [[Christfag]]s named Pioneers decided to follow them, thus inspiring [[Oregon Trail|one of the greatest video games of all time]]. After reaching Oregon, they all needed a place to smoke their injun [[weed]] and make beer that they could claim was better than [[God]]’s own [[piss]]. These are traditions that continue to this day.

==Geography and Climate==
[[Image:Yay_Chocolate_Rain.jpg|thumb|Every day is Zonday]]

Portland suffers from a constant and unrelenting downpour of rain. Portlanders whine and blame everyone from [[Al Gore]] to [[Tay Zonday]] for this fact instead of buying an umbrella or '''[[GTFO|getting the fuck out]]'''.

==Culture==

Portland is the perfect place to travel if you want to feel morally inferior. [[Pee]]-town's claim to fame is their supreme tolerance towards everyone and ultimate understanding of how difficult life is. They care about [[The child in Africa|the children in Africa]] and give [[jew gold]] to [[Wikimedia]].

Much of [[hipster]]/[[metrosexual]] fashion in America found its roots in Portland, as evidenced by most LJ users. In fact, it is impossible to tell the difference between your typical Portland citizen and a hardcore flaming [[fgt]] from anywhere else in the world.

[[Image:Banhammer.jpg|thumb|What's used on those that endorse Phở,]]
People in Portland love [[serious business]], especially when it comes to [[politics]], [[Homeless]] people, [[racism]], and [[soup]]. Jameth proved the lattermost by asking some Portlanders about Phở on {{ljcomm|damnportlanders}}.

==Politics and Demographics==

Ideologies in Portland range from people who [[masturbate]] to [[Faux News]] to sXe [[anarchist]] cooks. Portland outweighs the rest of Oregon in terms of bleeding-heart [[leftard]]s, which is fine because everything east of Portland is a desolate wasteland populated by [[in the ass|sodomy-lovin']] [[redneck|hillbillies]]. 

People in Portland are incredibly [[sensitive]] about their personal beliefs and tend to either go [[internet tough guy|tough guy]] or dial the [[waaaambulance]] immediately after hearing something [[offensive]]. In spite of Portland’s obsession with [[irony]] and [[sarcasm]] (but not [[satire), nobody there can take a fucking [[joke]]. Everyone preaches high-minded [[tolerance]] to the hilt and will instantly [[cry]] a river if you say the word black person.

This is hilarious, since [[statistics|77%]] of the city is [[white]] and above the [[poverty]] line. Portlanders will tell you that they love black people and that [[black people love us!|black people love them]] even as they line the next one up to the curb for a stomping. Honest Portlanders join [http://www.hartwilliams.com/ava/ava0107.htm the TVS] or move to Idaho and join the Klan.

Hipsters make as many black friends as possible in an effort to pull it off legit. Some even learn how to {{youtube|a0eA3cA3GTg|almost rap}}.

==The Secks Industry==
[[Image:Steve-O_Pukes_On_Stripper.gif|thumb|[[Roman shower]]s are popular there|300x200px]]

People love to brag about how there are [[moar]] strip clubs there [[head|per capita]] than any other city in the United States, including [[Las Vegas]] and [[San Francisco]]. This is due to the high number of batshit [[Libertarian]]s that populate the rest of Oregon and demand their rights to [[NRA|bear arms]] and get lap dances every Friday. The sex industry is massive in Oregon, although everyone [[Prostitution|selling themselves]] for [[cash]] most definitely will give you [[AIDS]], especially if you go to one of Portland’s many YMCAs or [http://www.steamportland.com/steam_ndex.htm premium bathhouses].

[[Suicide Girls]] is based out of Portland, where one can see them [[hot|sexily]] buy groceries and go to the park with their children.



==Portland Mayor's gay sex challenged by Lardass Larson==

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<youtube>8yjbuCRWGlY</youtube>

"We now know that you took this teenager into a bathroom and engaged in intimate contact"
<br>

==The "Cover Oregon" Drama==

Sometime [[last thursday]], the fucktards down in Salem realized that they needed to get people interested in the new Oregon healthcare program, and they needed a way to raise publicity. Being the shit-for-brains dumbasses that they are, they decided to let Portland take care of this. Many months later and most of the state's budget later, this was the result:

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<youtube>Z6HMDFXA50o</youtube>

'''This is what happens when you put Portland in charge of things.''' 
<br></center>

Naturally, this generated shame and embarrassment from everyone else living in Oregon, as the commercial had turned the state into a laughingstock. In the end, Oregon had to resort to using the national healthcare system [[Fail|because the commercials had taken DOUBLE the entire budget, and there was no more money left to actually run the Cover Oregon system]].

==Homelessness==
[[Image:Post_punk_fan.jpg|thumb|Typical Portland street kid|300x200px]]

Homelessness is considered fashionable in Portland, and a perfectly acceptable career choice. [[rich and beautiful|Rich]] attention-whoring [[emo]] kids will ditch their parents and their [[Linkin Park]] albums to go form street families in order to get themselves a sense of street cred and belonging. To maintain their [[Hardcore|hXc]] rep, they will [[Murder|stab]], [[rape]], [[steal]], have public sex and make the [[The Man|Portland Business Alliance]] pass laws that make [http://www.portlandcopwatch.org/PPR31/sitlie31.html standing and sitting illegal]. Most of the "homeless" people you meet on the streets in Portland are fairly aggressive about asking you for money. For example, if you're just sitting on a bench at a bus stop somewhere, expect to be accosted by some [[nigger]] who comes up to you crying about how he lost his job and his children are starving, and could you spare just a ''little'' bit of money? Then he'll suddenly get a call on his Samsung Galaxy S4 with the custom made gold-plated cover and lose all interest in you.

Actual [[poor]] kids in Portland get [[job]]s.

==Beer==
[[Image:CatBeerGlass.jpg|thumb|Portland beer]]

There are two types of [[beer]] [[snob]]s in Portland: those who drink [[PBR]] and sneer at everyone who drinks microbrews and those who drink microbrews and sneer at everyone who drinks PBR. If you do not fall into either of these categories, [[you don't have any friends|you won’t have any friends]].

== Guide to Being Cool in Portland==

* Riot like it's 2020!
** [[Nigga stole my bike|Have a nigga]] [[steal]] said bike
* Tell people "[[I Don't Watch TV]]"
* Be [[black]]
* Become "friends" with [[Happy Negro|sum blacks]]
* Make [[an hero]] [[pr0n]] for [[pimp|Sean Suhl]]
* Do [[heroin]]
* Be [[hXc]] [[sXe]]
* Become a [[Metafilter]] moderator and delete threads for no reason
* Make [[Pruno]]
* Wear a Civil War cap (replacing the trucker cap as the #1 most [[popular]] addition to the [[hipster]] uniform)
* Jerk off in a jitney.
* Challenge the evil [[Fugly|Randal O'Toole]] to a debate.
* Disagree with [[Twat|The World According to Briggs]] and see how quickly he sends you death threats.
* Cycle instead of driving, even though [[fat|normal Americunts]] always drive SUVs everywhere.
* Become an [[Blu Aardvark|ED sysop]]

==Portland's Alternate Names==

* [[Suicide]]ville
* [[Meth]] Central
* [[San Francisco]]'s Refugee Camp
* The One City [[Canada]] Did Not Want
* The other [[Austin]]

==Photographic Tour of Portland==

{{co|pdown|[Close]|[Old Town]|0|[[Image:Friendswillbefriends.jpg|300x200px]]}}
{{co|ppearl|[Close]|[Pearl District]|0|[[Image:Clitorisoutside.gif]]}}
{{co|pstjohn|[Close]|[St. Johns]|0|[[Image:Niggalovemusic.jpg|400x300px]]}}
{{co|phawth|[Close]|[Hawthorne]|0|[[Image:Ultra_cool.jpg]]}}
{{co|pfoster|[Close]|[Foster]|0|[[Image:Meth_is_good.png|500x400px]]}}
{{co|pgresh|[Close]|[Gresham]|0|[[Image:Redneck.jpg|400x300px]]}}
{{co|plnn|[Close]|[Lake No Negroes]|0|[[Image:Lynching01.jpg|400x300px]]}}
{{co|ptigard|[Close]|[Tigard]|0|[[Image:Furry_Tiger.jpg]]}}

==The Rest of Oregon==

*'''Eugene''' - Portland 2: Electric Boogaloo. Eugene is Portland for people who  1. wish they lived in Portland because they are too goddamned cheap, chickenshit, or poor.    2. People who are sick and fucking tired of Portland but can't go anywhere else because they are too goddamned chickenshit, cheap, or poor.   3. People who would rather have better access to the wilderness where they can get away with growing more pot and go to more naked hippy orgies, but are way too goddamned chickenshit, cheap, or poor to move to California. Eugene has more [[Homeless|genuine bums]], fewer strip clubs, more fat butt ugly bulldyke [[wicca|wiccan]] covens, and Way, way too many fucking costume peasant hippies than anywhere else in the entire State of Oregon. Most of Eugene [[hippy|hippies]] are spoiled little hedonistic shits with trust funds who don't contribute anything to society.  (Was there ever any other kind of Hippy after 1969?.) Eugene is notable because it is the home town of Phil Knight, the founder of [[Nike]]. 
*'''[[The Simpsons|Springfield]]''' - Eugene's shriveled Siamese twin. [[Noone]] cares about Springfield.
*'''Salem''' - Oregon's sorry-ass excuse for a capital. There is absolutely nothing of interest there.
*'''Keizer''' - Keizer is to Salem as Springfield is to Eugene.
*'''Eastern Oregon''' - I giant shitpot full of absolutely nothing (See [[Idaho]]).
*'''Southern Oregon''' - Noteworthy only for the fact that a bunch of [[rednecks]] from Southern Oregon banded together with some rednecks from Northern [[California]] and tried to [[Shit nobody cares about|form their own state, which they called "Jefferson"]].

==See Also==

*[[Perverted Justice]]
*[[Food Not Bombs]]
*[[DAMN NIGGA]]
*[[Indymedia]]
*[[Hipster]]
*[[Pabst Blue Ribbon]]
*[[Jeremiah True]]

== External Links ==

* [http://portland.indymedia.org/ Portland Indymedia] - WARNING: [[SFB]]
* {{ljcomm|damnportlanders|Damn Portlanders!}}
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8wLgJ3aL64 Rick Emerson's buttfucking orgasm for Portland Oregon] 
 
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[[category:Locations]]

{{livejournal}}[[Category:LJ Drama]]
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