View source for Socrates

[[Image:Bill-and-ted-socrates1.jpg|thumb|right|Opening night of his 1988 World Tour.]]

Socrates was a famous [[IRL]] troll of pre-internets [[Greece]] credited with inventing the first recorded trolling technique and otherwise laying the foundation of the science of [[lulz]]. He is widely considered to be the most irritating man in history. Accounts of his successful trolls are in the form of [[tl;dr]] [[copypasta]] on Plato’s [[LiveJournal]]. There they have been [[pwn|pwning]] [[NORP|NORPS]] for [[over 9000|thousands]] of years in [[Philosophy]] 101 classes around the world. Socrates was [[v&]] and [[an hero|b& IRL]] in 399BC for grievous trolling.

== Life and Technique ==
[[Image:Obvioustroll.jpg|thumb|Truly one of history's greatest [[troll]]s.]]

<center>{{morphquote|CC1|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;
|[[Fuck you, I'm a dragon!|I am that gadfly]] which [[God]] has attached to the state, and all day long and [[In the butt|in all places]] am always fastening upon you, [[Goatse|arousing]] and [[Logic#Lolgic|persuading]] and [[Ad hominem|reproaching]] you.|Socrates explains trolling

|Socrates was profoundly [[ugly]], resembling a satyr more than a man—and resembling [[lie|not at all]] the statues that turned up later in ancient times and now grace Internet sites and the covers of books. He had wide-set, bulging eyes that darted sideways and enabled him, like a crab, to see not only what was straight ahead, but what was beside him as well; a flat, [[nigger|upturned nose with flaring nostrils; and large fleshy lips like an ass]]. Socrates let his hair grow long, Spartan-style (even while Athens and Sparta were at war), and went about [[hobo|barefoot and unwashed]], carrying a stick and looking arrogant. He didn't change his clothes but efficiently wore in the daytime what he covered himself with at night. Something was peculiar about his gait as well, sometimes described as a swagger so intimidating that enemy soldiers kept their distance. He was impervious to the effects of [[alcohol]] and cold, but this made him an object of suspicion to his fellow soldiers on campaign. [...] Socrates and his companions are described as going hungry|[http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/socrates/#SocStr Socrates was an ugly, smelly, pedophile, that was full of win]}}</center>

Socrates was an ugly and poor man [[hipster|who never wore shoes]]. He hung around the city of Athens with his posse of [[homosexual|gaylords]] and [[13-year-old boys]]. For fun, he lured pretentious [[moralfags]] called sophists (ancient Greece’s equivalent of [[wikipedia|wikipaedos]]) into pointless [[drama]] by stroking their [[penises|egos]] with obviously [[ironic]] compliments. After [[lol|lolling]] them into a false state of security, he employed the famous Socratic Method of Trolling which consists of the following steps:

* Ask a bunch of questions about [[shit nobody cares about]]
* Be blatantly condescending while pretending to agree
* [[Raep]] your victim with logic
* Pretend to be [[Fox News|objective]] and ignorant
* Put forth a [[timecube|batshit insane]] position for lulz
* ???
* Profit

This method earned Socrates many [[Mortal Kombat|flawless victories]] but also made him many enemies like Aristophanes, a [[furfag]] with a thing for [[battletoads|frogs]], who wrote a play in which [[trolls trolling trolls|a lizzard shits on Socrates's head]]. After the invention of the internet, The Socratic Method was refined by [[b|chantards]] and [[girlvinyl|EDiots]] into [[The Comprehensive Theory of Lulz]].

== The Republic (Of Trolls) ==
[[Image:Socrates_uggers.jpg|thumb|Lookin hot, lookin sexy.]]
The Republic is Plato’s lulziest and most dramatic copypasta depicting the classical ideal of [[win]].

The lulz started when Socrates went to the city to ask people a bunch of [[Are You Serious?|stupid questions]] about justice and virtue. He was stopped by some [[asspie|sophists]] who were aware of what a successful [[troll]] Socrates was and demanded to witness his science. When Socrates asked them what justice is, they said justice is whatever the [[internet tough guy|toughest guy]] in the room [[BECAUSE_MY_CAPS_LOCK_KEY_IS_LOUD|says it is]] because he could just [[buttsex]] you until you agree with him. Using questionable logic, Socrates explained that just because you are strong doesn?'t mean you aren't also a [[Furries|retard]]. After [[leet|pwning]] these sophists with his powers of unwarranted self-importance, [[a challenger appears|Glaucon showed up]]. Glaucon said virtue is only a glorified way of [[attention whore|attention whoring]] so [[mudkipz|people will liek you]], and the only reason there are laws you should follow was to shut up some butthurt pussies who [[BAW|bawwwed]] about Team Rocket stealing their [[pokemans]] all the time. Glaucon argued that if one [[Anonymous|could get away with constant acts of injustice]] without [[banned|repercussion]], it would make more sense to be unjust because one could [[profit]] much more from injustice than from [[For great justice|justice]]. Socrates, ever the [[moralfag]], disagreed and said you should be virtuous just cause. However, being obviously [[intellectual checkmate|intellectually checkmated]], he did what any good philosopher would do in the situation. He completely changed the subject and started talking about politics.

To Socrates, the ideal state is like the [[master race|ideal man]]. Since philosophers like Socrates are the best kind of people in society, he naturally appoints himself [[fuhrer|mod]] of [[Second Life|his fictional country]]. His first action as mod is to [[final solution|permaban all writers]] of Greek mythology [[fanfiction]] from the city because [[atheist|he’s tired of putting up with all of Zeus’s stupid drama]]. Reading epic and tragic stories [[concerned mother|teaches people the wrong values]] because [[Truth|all Greek heroes and gods are whiny, paedo nutjobs]]. The ideal state must therefore [[GTFO|be completely free of their emo faggotry.]]

With all the old myths gone and all the old books burned, people need a new myth to give meaning to their otherwise [[Juggalos|pointless and miserable lives]] and to maintain the order of the state, so the philosophers tell them a [[Lie|"Noble Lie."]] They are told [[AIDS|different people are born with different kinds of metals in their blood]] and the more precious the metal, the higher the status of the individual. [[Hitler|Philosopher kings]] are born with gold in their blood, the [[300|warriors]] are born with silver, and [[You|everyone else]] is born with iron or bronze.

Finally Socrates [[Communism|abolishes all private property]] in the city so your [[bike]] and everybody else’s bike is the same bike so they [[divide by zero|don’t even have to steal it]]. The institution of the family is abolished, so the state arranges phony marriages and then raises your kids for you to [[eugenics|breed a superior next generation]] of philosophers.

Throughout the dialogue, Plato had everybody [[Rush Limbaugh|agree with Socrates]] on the main points the whole way through creating the illusion he is right. When he is finished describing The Republic, everybody agreed justice is exactly how he described it and the only question left is whether they can [[do it faggot|do it IRL.]]

== Trial and Execution ==

<center>{{morphquote|mqtest|background-color: lightgray;|font-weight: bold;
|But why ever do some people enjoy spending a great deal of time with me? I have told you the whole truth, they enjoy hearing men cross-examined who think they are wise, and are not; indeed that is not unpleasant. [[I did it for the lulz|And I maintain that I have been commanded by the god to do this, through oracles and dreams]].|Socrates’ legal defense at his trial
|I have often seen men of some reputation when condemned, behaving in the strangest way, as if they thought it would be a [[Don't taze me bro|cruel fate]] for them to die, as if indeed they would be immortal if ''you'' did not put them to death!|Socrates sez [[DO IT FAGGOT]]
|Then if I must estimate the just penalty according to my deserts, this is my estimate: [[LOL|free board in the town hall]]|Socrates being an obvious troll
}}</center>

[[Image:Sucretes.jpg|thumb|The poison that killed him.]]

After many years of collective [[butthurt]], Athens finally [[GTFO|had enough]] of Socrates‘s snarky bullshit. Socrates, then [[oldfag|age 70]], was [[v&]] and faced the death penalty for being an [[Richard Dawkins|annoying atheist]], [[Pedobear|“corrupting the youth”]] and the egregious offense of being an obvious troll. Ancient Greece bans for lulz, much like [[Lowtax]], because [[bullshit|philosophy]] is [[serious business]].

In an astonishing demonstration of lack of [[Troll's Remorse|troll’s remorse]] in such [[unfunny]] circumstances, Socrates opted for one last [[flamewar|kamakazi flamewar]]. Unfortunately, the [[einstein|genius]] jury finally found a way to neutralize his trolling method by /muting him and refusing to answer any of his stupid questions anymore. Socrates was convicted by a [[Al Gore|slim majority]] with the proposed penalty of [[death]]. However, [[Honorary Ed Lolington|the law]] allowed him to propose a lesser sentence which could be approved by another majority vote. For his alternative punishment, Socrates proposed [[troll face|he should get free meals at the town hall for life.]] There were many [[facepalm|facepalms]]. The jury voted again and condemned him to death by drinking poison and Socrates was taken away.

Just before Socrates was to drink his poison, he was joined by his posse of [[gays|gaylords]] and [[13-year-old boys]] one last time. They all started to [[baw]] because ancient Greek men were [[faggots|very in touch with their feelings]]. Socrates told them all to quit sniveling like a bunch of [[womyn]] because he wanted to talk some more. He then proved with logic that his soul is immortal and heaven is way better anyway. Socrates drank the poison and died. His last words were, [[I did it for the lulz|"I did it for the lulz."]]

== External Links ==

* {{ljcomm|user=philosophy}} People who think they know what the hell Socrates was talking about. Like all of us, they really have no fucking idea.
* [http://unenlightenedenglish.com/2009/07/socrates-the-founder-of-western-philosophy-never-wrote-a-thing Socrates was a lazy fuck who never wrote anything down]. However, his student, Plato, did:
* [http://classics.mit.edu/Browse/browse-Plato.html Plato's chat logs]
* [http://classics.mit.edu/Browse/browse-Aristotle.html Works by Aristotle] (A student of Plato)


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