Tech Support

Tech Support or the IT Department is an Indian based call center where you will be put on hold for 30 minutes before being let through a maze of complicated instructions on how to fix your computer by someone you can barely understand. Generally customers calling in end up holding the keys: Control, Alt, A, 2, and 6 while tapping the escape key for twenty minutes. The previous sentence was totally not stolen from Neurotically Yours.

Tech Support is also the term used to describe any and all individuals who think they know more about computing than you, but don't. Tech support is where idiots bring virus-infested computers to trade those viruses for other problems that they didn't want and are worse than the problems created by the virus in the first place.

Individuals who provide tech support need to be closely watched. That's why some tech support offices are lined in glass windows - because you need to keep an eye on them or else you will never see your computer again. If at all possible, never let tech support out of your sight while your computer is in their hands.

In some Third World countries or backward ass towns, tech support is just a bunch of reformed skript kiddies looking for extra dough while they try to find work doing something else or while they are spending their nights endlessly working on their plans to hack the World Bank website.

ARE YOU REX ENOUGH FOR TECH SUPPORT?!

Background

It is a common misconception that even a single IT department exists in Teh United States of America. In actual fact (due to Hitler and outsourcing), all IT Departments have been shipped by lolicopter over the oceans and into India, where mobs soon gathered and took control. A city was formed. It is said that every call from anywhere in the world, from Microsoft to White Castle, is forwarded to this Indian city of The IT Department.

Language

The citizens of The IT Department all speak in machine code, as it is impossible for any sane human being to understand this complex jumble of sounds coming from their mouths. In order for The IT Department to work, your computer must have a microphone. You simply hold the phone speaker to the microphone and using Christian Magic, The IT Department operator speaks his machine code into your computer and voila! Good as new! However, this does not work for macs.

Quotes From Tech Support

Help Desk: "What's a modem?"

Tech Support: "Why can't you just use Netscape?" (said to questions about a modem that would work with Linux)

Tech Support: "Sir, have you put any cheese or mustard in your a drive?"

Tech Support: "Well, we don't know why it doesn't always work. You should consider getting a new computer."

Tech Support: "Lightning must have hit it, and now it won't work in anything but Windows 95."

Tech Support: "No, bits and bytes are the same thing!"

Tech Support: "It is better for you to upgrade to Windows XP. DOS is outdated."

Tech Support: "Just shut up and reboot already!"

Tech Support: "Sir, did you really delete system 32? Are you stupid?"

Tech Support: "Sir, I think I have located your problem and it is between your keyboard and your seat."

Typical Activities In IT Departments

Ignoring the telephone
Blaming all problems on users being fucktards. (NB, this is factually correct, but not really the point)
Ignoring all emails
Creating witty acronyms about what fucktards the users are
Playing Doom
Learning English
Downloading pron
Masturbation (see above)