Deflate Gate

Deflategate is one of those more lulzy moments in football other than seeing men tackle and destroy each other, where the league itself went batshit over strangely under-inflated balls. What happened was that the air outside during the Colts and Patriots game was so cold that your own balls had to huddle up in your gut, and when the balls were inspected at halftime, everyone went crazy that 11 out of the dozen were more like squishy breasts than balls. Later, the league flip-flopped on it and said only the one was the deflated one. Gee, maybe if they actually took the time to include temperature in the inflating, this wouldn't be a big deal, right? Well they didn't, so if anything, it's on the league's shitty rules than the team itself.

Some argue that someone actually sabotaged the balls, but so far no one has proven that because everyone's other reports conflicted with each other. The Colts linebacker, Jackson, didn't even notice anything, and even when the balls were either re-inflated or they used backups, the Patriots still fucked up the Colts even harder than before, so maybe the deflated footballs were a deficit? Either that or the Colts got straight up spitroasted with 28 unanswered points after halftime. So the point should be moot, right, cause the Patriots killed with 45-7? Nope, this is the NFL we're talking about here, they always want to find something controversial, like PETA but with less NEDM.

Reports

There are so many conflicting reports in this "scandal" that it's turned into an IRL Wikipedia edit war.

• The Patriot head coach knew jack shit about the deflated balls
• Tom Brady said it was straight up fucking ridiculous, even saying that "this isn't ISIS"
• Someone else said that 10 of the 12 was under-inflated slightly less than before
• An anonymous source said they had a video of a game attendant taking the 24 balls into a restroom, perhaps adding his own to make it a cool 26
• The head official saying that they did fuck up and they don't log the ball pressure at all
• A referee saying they couldn't tell the difference anyway
• More details saying only one ball, again, was deflated and the other 23 might as well have not been mentioned
• Finding out an official was being a sneaky shit and selling game balls for profit and has since been pwned
• The balls were covered in a tacky substance

They even went out and said that it was all for a sting operation and that the NFL already knew the balls were deflated, maybe even done so themselves. Once again, the Patriots curb stomped the Colts and raped the corpses even with normally inflated balls, so this is all shit nobody cares about.

The coverage

This wasn't the only thing that went wrong in the NFL, as several other embarrassing stories happened before this, like "Spygate" with the Patriots putting a peeping cam to spy on the other team's defensive signals, news where Ray Rice went Chris Brown on his girlfriend and Adrian played the whipping man to his kid because pent-up roid rage, along with pressure to cover this to fill a "two-week void" of resisting being "TMZ Sports". There were even suggestions to ban the Patriots from going to the Super Bowl, despite reports of other teams doing worse, like piping in fake crowd noise to cheer them on since no one else was anyway, prohibited texting, even two teams caught on film warming the footballs with sideline heaters, but noooooo, those are just pussy offenses that no one got in trouble for in the end, clearly slightly under-inflated footballs that didn't mean jack and shit anyway, which may or may not have been under-inflated anyway deserves the most media coverage.

In the end

The Patriots received an un-Patriotic punishment for their clear violation of NFL law despite there being no point to it at all. Brady's been suspended for 4 games, the team is fined $1 million, they lose their first round pick for drafts in 2016 and the fourth round pick the year after that. James McNally and John Jastremski were indefinitely pwned and suspended, and the NFL doesn't give a shit about any of it. All that mattered was attention and adding yet another shitty "-gate" scandal to our history. Everyone said that the punishment went way too far, but imagine if the other punishments listed actually went through, huh? There'd be no more NFL if it kept going, which is supposedly why the league let them off without a hitch yet sodomized the Patriots, gotta do this stuff one at a time.

The moral of this little story is: Don't believe jack shit about what the NFL says anymore. Everyone there is corrupt anyway, from the referees to the guy who runs it, who get pissy and butthurt when their favorite teams lose.

See Also

• 18-1
• NFL
• Yet another thing to add to the list of unoriginal titles