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A Womyn's Guide to Males
For a less vaginahurt article, go here
Throughout the ages, females have had to deal with the weaker sex's deluding themselves into thinking they control the world. Previously, females have had to resort to using their breasts and other regions in order to curry favour from these knuckle-dragging troglodytes. Luckily today, there are alternatives when it comes to controlling these males. Let this article - A Womyn's Guide To Males - serve as your personal reference tool as you navigate your way through a world filled with the mindless masses of flesh we call men.
The Key to Understanding Men
Men love their cocks. Literally everything they do can be traced back to a desperate need to get their dicks wet. Penises can be tamed using sounding, docking, and other methods. Men who enjoy these practices will beg for more, in which case treatment should be withheld. Men who do not enjoy such practices should be treated until they do.
Remember: If you control the penis, you control the man.
Trolling Men
Accordingly, trolling men is incredibly easy - simply suggest that there is something wrong with their penis. Too small, too big, too circumcised, too soft -- the list goes on and on. To fully exploit the power of male penile insecurity, simply cut them off. Other ways to exploit males include:
- Suggesting they are gay - Works best on alpha males.
- Suggesting they are straight
- Pedo baiting
- Trapping
Training Males
Males have two primary functions: going to war, and fucking. Here is how to correctly train males to try and fail slightly less.
War
Males are naturally violent. While little boys enjoy playing war games, once they grow into men and play IRL war games they suddenly complain about being traumatised. The solution therefore is to toughen them up while they are still young.
Some argue men should only take jobs in the White House or in Iraq; otherwise, they are known as faggots for doing what women are socially permitted to do; a woman who kills ragheaded terrorists is considered normal and treated as a war veteran, but a man foolish enough to become a hairdresser will be considered a faggot by all sane men (and rightfully so).
Fucking
There is a myth when it comes to males and fucking: men believe that the more sex they have, the more manly they are. This is only partially true; while men follow their dicks around blindly, once they are actually in the company of a willing female, they suddenly become coy because they know full well they cannot perform properly.
On exceptionally rare occasions, women will want to have sex while the man does not. Instead of spending money on a hooker, the woman should simply force-feed him Viagra and mount. Men think they cannot be raped because they have complete control over their erection. (O RLY?). This also means that should a man fail to perform (even if he claims he does not want to), this is his own fault, and it makes him completely worthless. The solution is simple.
Far more often, however, a man will want to mate when a woman has more important things to do. Withholding sex is a great way to make men do what you wish. However, this is only a temporary solution - if the man cannot get sex for a long period of time (or even if he can), he is likely to have an affair. At this point the only solution is castration.
Defective Sexual Behaviour
The three most common form of defective sexual behaviour is males are: Latent homosexuality, pedophilia and excessive masturbation.
Many males will ask a female for anal sex, or to preform oral sex. Any man who asks for such these is highly likely to be a homosexual, as real men only like pussy.
Another frequent deviation among men is that they only like very young females, presumably because these girls are too young to know how to keep males in their place. To correct this behaviour, traps must be employed. Not only will this shock the naturally homophobic male, the trap will learn that men should not be trusted.
Due to their over-dramatic homophobic tendancies and lack of use in human reproduction (see below) men are secretly homosexual, and will gladly suck their own cocks if they could. But, because the goddess actually had a sense of humor and gave them small dongs and two many ribs, men had to use their limited intelligence to come up with inventions that would benefit them.
UPDATE: Men are No Longer Needed to Make Babies
Parthenogenesis means conceiving without sperm, meaning men have no practical purpose when it comes to mating but should be used as sex toys and discarded when they become unsanitary. Some women still like to keep males around for sexual purposes because science has not yet created a dildo that can make you breakfast.
So-called Men's Rights
Masculinists
Masculinists are the male equivalent of feminists, and like everyone else who has been oppressed by The Man Women, they are under the impression that their rights are being taken away from them.
Over the course of history, men―especially white men―have been oppressed by women to a far greater degree than women have been oppressed by men. While women throughout the world have to face only minor inconveniences such as:
- Sexual Harassment
- Lower pay
- Forced pregnancy
- Involuntary marriage
- Domestic violence
- Prostitution (if she escaped being forced into marriage)
Men have to suffer genuine horror such as:
- Paying for child support
Others say that men, unlike women, face war, even while it has such a destabilizing effect on their minds. This is 99.9% bullshit because joining the army is voluntary; women do it without complaint and men like to claim they make better leaders, anyway. One may attempt to counter by saying Drafts have always targeted men and still exist in certain places, but those drafts are being initiated, controlled, perpetuated or enabled by men, so they only have themselves to blame.
Defective Males
Chauvinists a.k.a. "Alpha Males"
All males are chauvinists, but some are more chauvinistic than others. If you have attempted to train your male and he is still under the impression that man and women should be equal (or worse, that men are superior to women), then he will have to be forced to undergo sensitivity training. If that does not work, simply redirect him here.
Homosexuals
Instead of craving tight wet vagina, these males instead are sexually aroused by other males; some cases being worse than others. Some homosexuals act in a very feminine manner and even take it up the ass in a pathetic attempt to better themselves. Other homosexuals believe females are obsolete and the world would be better off without them. Luckily such a world would not last long as while females can breed with other females (see above), males cannot be bred with each other.
Transsexuals
All transsexuals are mentally ill and evil people. While female-to-male (FTM) transsexuals simply have low self-esteem, male-to-female (MTF) transexuals, AKA shemales, are under the impression they can somehow better themselves by becoming women. Sadly, a man without a penis is not a woman, just a male with no reason to live. MTF transsexuals should be euthanized as quickly as possible.
Other Common Problems
- Asperger's syndrome
- Schizophrenia
- Early death by car accident
- Antisocial personality disorder
- Faggotry
Videos of Typical Masculine Behaviour
Trolling Men
Trolling men is as easy as cutting their penises off or kicking them in the balls.
On July 12th, 2011, an Azn womyn named Catherine Kieu Becker was distraught over her husband's plan of divorcing her, and decided to do what any strong, angry woman would do--drug him, tie him to his bed, then CUT HIS FUCKING DICK OFF AND PUT IT IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. Afterwards she immediately called the cops claiming she did it for the lulz. Even though the man lost his cock, many still believe she should undergo therapy instead of spending life in prison.
Delicious Copypasta
Sex is not part of a relationship: on the contrary, it is a solitary experience, non-creative, a gross waste of time. The female can easily -- far more easily than she may think -- condition away her sex drive, leaving her completely cool and cerebral and free to pursue truly worthy relationships and activities; but the male, who seems to dig women sexually and who seeks out constantly to arouse them, stimulates the highly sexed female to frenzies of lust, throwing her into a sex bag from which few women ever escape. The lecherous male excited the lustful female; he has to -- when the female transcends her body, rises above animalism, the male, whose ego consists of his cock, will disappear.
Sex is the refuge of the mindless. And the more mindless the woman, the more deeply embedded in the male `culture', in short, the nicer she is, the more sexual she is. The nicest women in our `society' are raving sex maniacs. But, being just awfully, awfully nice, they don't, of course descend to fucking -- that's uncouth -- rather they make love, commune by means of their bodies and establish sensual rapport; the literary ones are attuned to the throb of Eros and attain a clutch upon the Universe; the religious have spiritual communion with the Divine Sensualism; the mystics merge with the Erotic Principle and blend with the Cosmos, and the acid heads contact their erotic cells.
On the other hand, those females least embedded in the male `Culture', the least nice, those crass and simple souls who reduce fucking to fucking, who are too childish for the grown-up world of suburbs, mortgages, mops and baby shit, too selfish to raise kids and husbands, too uncivilized to give a shit for anyones opinion of them, too arrogant to respect Daddy, the `Greats' or the deep wisdom of the Ancients, who trust only their own animal, gutter instincts, who equate Culture with chicks, whose sole diversion is prowling for emotional thrills and excitement, who are given to disgusting, nasty upsetting `scenes', hateful, violent bitches given to slamming those who unduly irritate them in the teeth, who'd sink a shiv into a man's chest or ram an icepick up his asshole as soon as look at him, if they knew they could get away with it, in short, those who, by the standards of our `culture' are SCUM... these females are cool and relatively cerebral and skirting asexuality.
Unhampered by propriety, niceness, discretion, public opinion, `morals', the respect of assholes, always funky, dirty, low-down SCUM gets around... and around and around... they've seen the whole show -- every bit of it -- the fucking scene, the dyke scene -- they've covered the whole waterfront, been under every dock and pier -- the peter pier, the pussy pier... you've got to go through a lot of sex to get to anti-sex, and SCUM's been through it all, and they're now ready for a new show; they want to crawl out from other the dock, move, take off, sink out. But SCUM doesn't yet prevail; SCUM's still in the gutter of our `society', which, if it's not deflected from its present course and if the Bomb doesn't drop on it, will hump itself to death.
Men Are A Disease
George Carlin causes massive butthurt to poor men by explaining why men are insecure egotistical pricks and failed human beings.
Variations
Men, like Slurpees, come in a variety of flavors:
Ways To Properly Treat Men
-
Doing it right. -
Every man's secret desire. -
Flog the livestock to make the meat especially tender. -
Two abusers is better than one.
List of Butthurt ED Users
Although there are many articles on Encyclopedia Dramatica mocking the batshit-insane femicunts inhabiting the internets, some users simply could not stand the fact there is an article revealing the inner-workings of the Neanderthal brain. If you should come across such users, please feel free to splatter their page with {{blargh}} (or a less-common alternative) and remind them that they will never, ever get any pussy, not even from their step-mothers. These include:
See Also
The Problem:
- Sexism
- The Man
- Dick Masterson
- MikeeUSA
- Daddy
- Tucker Max
- The Penis Owner's Manual
- AskMen's Guide To Penis Size & Different Types
The Solution
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A Womyn's Guide to Males is part of a series on Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage. |
