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Pokémon
Pokémon is a horrific franchise about controlling a collection of horribly mutated creatures from the underworld. It was created at least 100 years ago in the magical land of Japan, by Satoshi Tajiri and his buttbuddies at Game Freak. The cancerous trainwreck began its way across Japan in 1996, hitting the rest of the world shortly afterward. It is enjoyed by children, manchildren, housewives, Yakuza members, and diseased cripples worldwide.
The Basics
Since its genesis, Pokemon has always released not one but two versions at a time. This is solely for Game Freak to suck out more cash from what should have been just one game. Both versions contain only pointless differences that make little to no real impact on game-play, but thanks to GameFreak's marketing propaganda they've managed to bullshit consumers into believing the difference between both versions is akin to night and day. In any instance your basic goal is to catch Pokemon, collect 8 gym badges, defeat an evil team, defeat the Elite Four and (surprise!) Champion of the region. Most games will also contain some pointless gimmick such as diving underwater, Pokemon contests, massive cockfighting complexes, and of course more goddamn Pokemon to catch. Each Pokemon has a special type such as Fire, Water, Grass, Electric, Dark, and Psychic. Each type has a disadvantage or advantage over another, although every dumbass kid just uses Water or Dragon type which ruins the entire sense of balance. Pokemon has also amassed controversy from several activist groups including Jews, Feminists, Blacks, and of course Christians.
Pokemon or Pokémon?
Pokémon is the 'correct' spelling, but NOBODY HAS AN É (E with an accent) KEY ON THEIR KEYBOARD. Most people resort to writing pokemon, but this is in fact racist, because incorrectly spelling made up foreign words is more racist than making a creature with blackface and keeping it trapped in a Poké Ball.
Contrariwise, you can simply refer to it as Pokuman or Pokumans, which will enrage yer average Generation Barney reject into spastic fits of epic pants shitting rage, much to the entertainment and delight of everyone else.
The Games
Each series of games is collectively divided into "Generations", a term that is never used by GameFreak themselves but by virtually every fan of the series. To date, our planet has been cursed with 6 generations of Pokemon. Pokefags refer to this as the "core" series. If you relish in repetitive bullshit, then Pokemon is the series for you.
Red/Green/Blue/Yellow
Generation 1. The original games are festering pieces of shit only worshiped by manchildren who played them when they were young. Glitch-ridden, generic, and downright ugly, Pokemon Red and Green were first released in Japan for the ailing Game Boy. There are 150 Pokemon to catch, being divided up between both versions for sake of variety money making. Luckily, not everyone was convinced. People criticized the awful graphics and lack of bug control to the point where Game Freak had to make an improved version: Pokemon Blue,which sold well despite being only marginally better than the previous two. The games are simple: choose between Bulbasaur, Charmander, or Squirtle to begin you craptastic adventure catching all 150 Pokemon, beating gym leaders for shiny little badges that allow you to brainwash your Pokemon into obeying you. You are also met with your rival, totally not called Gary Oak. Along the way you run into Team Rocket, a shoddy Yakuza ripoff that partakes in doing petty crimes like killing Pokemon for profit. After catching more Pokemon and defeating all the gyms you then get to plunder the Elite 4 and the champion. Spoiler, it's your Bieber-haired rival.
After the Pokemon anime cartoon was released to much fervor, yet another fucking version was made: Pokemon Yellow. This was simply a poorly modified version of Red/Blue that gave you Pikachu as a starter Pokemon. No, you can't make it turn into a Raichu.Another piece of junk game that the kiddies bought up in spades, it was now apparent that Pokemon was here to stay. In all these games there's a secret 151st Pokemon called Mew. You can't catch the fucker through normal means, rendering it to be the ultimate snipe hunt for losers worldwide.
There is also MissingNo, which is just a stupid data placeholder that shows up via glitch that autists worship because it looks stupid and acts retarded. The fact you can run into this thing during normal gameplay is proof that these games are among the worst in regards to programming.
Gold, Silver and Crystal
Quite literally exact copies of the original games, only it takes place a couple years after the events of Red, Blue and Yellow and the trio of games is listed under the "second generation". Thank God this games programming isn't nearly as shitty as the originals. But, like the original games, you're a 10 year old boy located in another location called "Johto", with pretty much the same plot as the last generation, only now you get
The second generation features rearranged cities, the infamous Misty skinny-dipping cut scene, and a bunch of new Pokémon such as Pikablu, Togepi, Hoothoot and moar PokéGods like Ho-oh and Suicune, racking the Pokémon count up to 251. These games also introduced the gimmicks of Pokémon breeding and genders, which makes all of the Pokémon-on-Pokémon Rule 34 ever conceived technically canon, Day and Night, a feature which wouldn't be seen again until Generation IV, and a badarse rival who hated Team Rocket because his dad was defeated by a 10 year old boy.
Crystal introduced the concept of a Female character, Animated sprites, Suicune taking a liking to the player and has a bigger role in the game so follows him/her around and introduces a new character called Eusine who wants Suicune to suck his dick, and eventually tells the player to also catch Raikou and Entei so you can catch Ho-oh for some reason. Basically trivial shit that makes it no better than the two games before it.
Fun fact: The Breeding Center on these games is on Route 34. Oh Japan~!
Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald
Pokemon has now entered the third generation of brainwashing children. Ruby, and Sapphire have the same rotten plot as previous games, where you buttfuck Gym leaders across the Hoenn region for their badges to take on the Elite Four. Because the games are in a new location, it also naturally features new villains, Team Aqua and Team Magma, two utter jokes of teams who really believe in destroying the planet to make it better. Team Aqua wishes to drown the world with the aid of a Pokegod called Kyogre, while Team Magma wishes to turn the world into a desert with the help of Groudon, Kyogre's transsexual butt-buddy.
Once again, both versions relish in useless differences that only OCD patients would give two shits about, such as version-exclusive Pokemon and which team of fuckbags you meet. The games introduced another shitty set of gimmicks.You could also dive under the sea and not drown, unfortunately. Pokemon CONTESTS were also introduced which serve as dick-waving shows for your Pokemon. Sadly, these games were not compatible with previous series installments which meant that you couldn't transfer your steroidal Mewtwo over from Red/Blue just to get the game over with quicker. Fans forgot to be butthurt upon discovering the joy that is Gardevoir.
FireRed and LeafGreen
Basically Pokémon Red and Blue Green for babies. These games are the same thing as the 90s originals, but with Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald's improved graphics and music, some new islands full of Muslims and traded Pokémon which aren't in the original 151 can't evolve until you defeat the Elite Four. You can catch Mew, but now with an event-exclusive item that was only distributed at special Nintendo events. Good job, GameFreak.
Unlike the time-frame of the original games, Pokemon had long since lost its mainstream appeal in every country besides Japan. Despite the remakes being a step up from the originals, very few people bothered with it besides Game Freak's religious legion of consumers.
Diamond, Pearl and Platinum
The gameplay of Diamond,Pearl and Platinum is the exact fucking same as every other game in the series.The only main departure is the bad guys.Whereas Red featured an inept crime syndicate, the 4th generation has Team Galactic, a fucking Doomsday cult led by a friendless autist, as stated in the game itself that wishes to remake the entire universe. More new Pokemon, more gimmicks (digging underground for fossils), more 10 year olds to play as, and more money for Game Freak. Game Freak has now disproved Walt Disney on the quote "You can't top pigs with pigs." GameFreak has topped pigs with pigs, rats, metal plates, penguins, monkeys, and everything else imaginable. The games also introduced a type of pseudo-3D overview that simply shows that Game Freak's staff composes of lazy shits who will put in as little effort as possible in a series that's seemingly guaranteed to make lots of money.
Also, Cynthia and Dawn were introduced in these games to the delight of perverts and hardcore Pokefags everywhere.
HeartGold and SoulSilver
Last Thursday, after many rumors were circulated on the tubes, Nintendo confirmed that there would indeed be remakes of the hit games Gold and Silver for the DS. The games have features such as letting any of your Pokémon follow you around, a wide variety of Generation II Pokémon, and pseudo-3D graphics. Basically, the new games are just a giant clusterfuck of fail produced from merging half of the old games together and adding useless features like the Pokeathlon, Pokewalker and the Spiky eared Pichu, but as soon as this piece of news was released on the internet, nostalgiafags everywhere creamed their pants. The only thing of relevance to come out of these games is the scene where the rival rapes you in Goldenrod City and leaves what's left of your semen-filled anus for Team Rocket. Deee-licious monies for Game Freak.
Black and White
The fifth slew of Pokémon games were released in 2011, the year shit broke loose. It is the first one with real 3-D graphics DISREGARD THAT, IT'S JUST THE SAME PSEUDO-3D SHIT AGAIN and the Pokémon professor, Professor Juniper is an older woman who will attempt to rape you once you complete the whole fucking Pokédex, which means that you have to catch all 649 Pokémon in order for her to accomplish this. SIX HUNDRED AND FUCKING FORTY NINE. Or of course, you could just flip Gamefreak off and hack the game with Action Replay or Game Saver. This game is very hackable, 9-year-olds who accidentally delete system32 could get all shiny Pokemon if they want.
Instead of playing as a 10 year old brat, you now play as a 16 year old brat. Instead of playing in a region based on Japan, you play in a region based on New York. New Youk is complete trash anyway, so go suck Jay-Z's cock. Instead of catching Mewtwo, you catch Zekrom or Reshiram. Instead of fighting doomsday freaks, you fight Team Plasma. Team Plasma are just a bunch of retards, because appearently, they think the best way to free Pokemon is to enslave more of them and kill anyone who doesn't free them. Fucking genius. Instead of playing for fun DISREGARD THAT, POKEMON IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE ABOUT GRINDING AND EV TRAINING SO THAT YOUR CHARIZARD MAY BE 1337, you're playing this shit out of religious vows to Game Freak's staff.
By this time, normal people began to grow tired of Pokemon's antics. Not the manchilderen and Nintendo fuckboys though, they love to complain that other consoles and shooters are the same shit, but love to play copy-and-paste of every Nintendo game. These games include: Mario, Zelda, StarFox, Kirby (Some pink demon), Metroid, and some other games no one cares to list. Despite billing itself as darker and more mature, Pokemon failed to woo over casual game players who would rather shoot up imaginary pixel people all day. Everyone outside of Pokemon's cult-like fanbase laid the games with the passive scrutiny and vitriol they deserved.
Black 2 and White 2
The most pointless sequel ever. B2W2 Were just placeholders so that Gamefreak could work on their next abomination. This is almost literally the same shit, no srsly, even the 2 legendaries in the game are literally recolors, the music has shitty uneeded remixes, and you might as well Kill Yourself for buying this.
X and Y
More or less the same shit. the same boring routine of beat up 8 gym leaders and take on the elite 4 with this time their's nothing to do in the game right after except capture mewtwo which gamefreak put in the game to pleasure red and blue fags. The games are far easier the other opposing pokemon games, with the new and improved exp share and mega stones that your given way early in the game making it so easy and casual that even 3 year old braindead children can beat this crappy game blindfolded. Everything is also rendered in 3D. 3D. Not good 3D, not brick-shittingly amazing 3D, just plain old laggy 3D you'd find off a Nintendo 64 game. Now you have only 70 new Pokemon and some shit called Mega Evolution which enables certain Pokemon to go super saiyan at will. In 3D.The world of X and Y is based off the exciting country of France, proving even Game Freak has given up at this point.
Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire
This latest remake has the same ugly graphics as the previous 3D games. This game introduces Primal Groudon and Primal Kyogre alongside Mega Rayquaza that make Arceus and Mewtwo look like shitty ass pokemon. Despite being the worst games in theory, they are on track to becoming some of the highest selling Pokemon games of all time. [1]
Nope, no Battle Frontier because it r b too hard 4 kiddies. Suck it, losers.
Card Game
In 1996, Wizards Of The Coast released a trading card game in which they (badly) translated the cards from Japan. The cardgame involved the strategy of flipping at least 100 coins and using the same set of cards for every single deck.
Later, Nintendo realized they didn't have to rely on Wizards' shitty rules and broke up with their homoerotic corporate lovers, releasing them independently (by which time Pokémon had lost popularity anyway and was reserved for middle class white kids, whose parents couldn't afford cable or piano teachers). This new game featured the same basic principles: coin-flipping, same fucking cards, and sticking to a theme.
Back before nobody started to give a shit about the series though, everyone on the block wanted to waste their mothers' crack money to buy this shit, hoping to get teh rare Charizard, but instead getting some shit that's worthless today thanks to how hilariously out of control the game's power creep is. Approximately 0.00001% of the little autists knew how to play the game, which made the Jews very pleased (although the kids really weren't missing out on anything). The game consists of two playstyles:
- Put an Energy Card on your Ratatta, lose a coinflip, then sit helplessly while your opponent beefs up his Lv. X Dildomon EX C O LGBTSBBQ to deal over 9000 damage to pwn you.
- Become a hardcore gamer, flush 999
Pokédollars and make your own Lv. X Dildomon EX C O LGBTSBBQ deck, then race your opponent to see who can draw the better cards first.
Worth noting is that you can't act on your opponent's turn, as that would involve actual strategy instead of luck, and that would make the game too hard for the kids too retarded to play YuGiOh instead.
If forking over jew golds to get screwed over by luck doesn't sound good to you, then congrats on having a functional brain. If it doesn't, you can go to the official website and download a program that totally doesn't steal your credit card information to play the game, but for some reason everything looks like a shitty Canadian cartoon. At least it's for free (unless you want to play in tournaments, then get ready to fork over the dough for a chance to win virtual prizes.
Just play Russian Roulette instead.
Pokémon Types And Elements
Pokémans each have their own types and abilities. This sections lists all the single types. As Pokémans can have two types, if you want serious information in finding out what's weak to what, look here, work it out for yourself and fuck off.
- Normal: The basic non-elemental type for all Pokémon based off of animals too generic or boring to bother placing into a better category. Normal types generally have very few "Special" attacks, hold no advantage over any other types, and can get knuckled over by Fighting attacks. They also couldn't damage Ghost-types unless you used Foresight, and were either ridiculously overpowered, or ridiculously shit. Most Normal-types don't sit well with being just a Normal type, so are able to wield other typed attacks, like Electric, Water or Fire to make up for their lack of any real use.
- Fire: If you had a favorite Pokémon, chances are it was a Fire-type. Despite the fact a Fire type can get knuckled over by Water, Rock and Ground types, they were loved by all and feared by many. Fire types generally dished out ridiculous amounts of Special Attack damage and had vaguely high Health and Speed so were even able to hold their own against their weaknesses, in case you didn't see that coming. Unless your Charizard and the opponent has Stealh Rock, then you might as well kill yourself, because you are fucked either way.
- Water: The type with the most amount of Pokémans in the games with at least 15 being introduced each Generation. Water types are based off of marine creatures and sealife. Water types were for JRPG fans who enjoyed sitting around fishing for pixels all day rather than going out and exploring the actual game. You would only really use one so it can be a HM Slave for your water-typed HM moves. Water types are effective again Rock, Ground and Fire types. Pretty much any Water type that can learn TMs can try to be a failed Ice type by learning at least one Ice TM move.
- Ice: Ice types normally came dual-typed, with the other type normally being Water. They became increasingly unoriginal with each inbred Generation, until all Nintendo could come up with were several scoops of ice cream and a Snowflake with eyes and facial hair. You would only catch and train an Ice-type in order to defeat the mandatory Dragon Trainer of that generation; only to find their Pokemon knew Fighting and Fire type moves and could easily knuckle it over.
- Electric: The only real reason you'd want an electric type is because most Electric attacks can cause Paralysis one way or another. The type itself is effective against both Water and Flying types, so could easily dispatch of those fucking Zubats and Tentacools that seem to appear in their thousands. An electric type's only weakness is the Ground type, which can be temporarily nullified with Magnet Rise. Electric Pokémans weren't based on irl creatures that could actually shoot electricity at shit until the invention of Eelektross. Some argue that Lanturn was based on an irl creature but Anglerfish don't shoot electricity, they emit light from their antenna.
- Rock: Rock types had shitloads of HP and stupidly high defence, but next to no Special defence and were normally slow as hell. These were what you spent most of your gameplay fighting if you didn't have a Grass or Water type that could easily knuckle them over and call them filthy whores.
- Ground: Often accompanied by the Rock type, Ground was a shitty mix of Rock and Normal, which means it performed poorly at being either of them. It is the only thing Electric types are weak to, but anything that shot out a lightning bolt from its bell-end were piss-weak anyway. As Generations passed, Nintendo began running out of ideas for Ground types, so they took a Hippo and a Crocodile and Pokéman'd them into Ground types.
- Fighting: Fighting types have muscles where their brains should be and sport a nigger cock. They have lots of physical strength, but could easily get mindfucked by psychics and somehow fairies and birds. They can beat up on Normal and Ice types but had little real use until the Dark-types were invented.
- Psychic: Known as the Esper type in the Japanese version, Psychic types have powerful Special attack and Special defense, but low physical Defense and Health; basically every "mage" character in any RPG in existance. Psychic-types are shit-scared of Ghosts, Dark types and Bugs for some reason. Over the generations (In Generaion I, if you had a Alakazam or Mewtwo, you were GOD) they went from being the single-most effective typing to noticeably one of the worst.
- Ghost: Ghosts are completely immune to Normal and Fighting attacks, weak to other ghosts and largely resistant to Ground-based moves in the later games thanks to the introduction of the Levitate ability. Your only chance in hell to beat one of these was to train up a Dark type, a Normal type wielding anything but Normal attacks, or something else. Ghosts have the ability to naturally learn and use a move called "Curse" which makes the user die alone. Ghosts also wield and other lulzy moves like "Destiny Bond" and "Perish Song".
- Side note: Nintendo troll'd the anime followers of the original Pokémon series, claiming that Ghosts were strong against Psychics. Fanboys would find that once they trained their Haunter for 3 days solidly then challenged Sabrina, they'd find that Ghost attacks actually had no effect on Psychics in the first generation of games, and were in fact weak against them due to their part-Poison typing. O Nintendo, u so funneh.
- Poison: Either has fucking high defense and HP, as well as having somewhat overpowered Poison attacks, or pathetically weak with weak Poison attacks, or were strong but had no Poison attacks at all. Get poisoned by one and you have to put up with the irritating long lasting poison effects which made these things a bitch to fight. Poison-types are often employed by the pathetic grunts of Team Rocket, and after a battle ended, the infected Pokémon would cause your screen to have a fucking seizure every four steps you took. Until Generation 5.
- Steel: Designed to appeal to HARDCORE Pokémon fans and metalfags. Basically just the same as Rock, but with even MOAR defense and HP and in an almost cruel twist of irony it now gets shat on by Fire, and Grass types now suck its 10 foot cock. The only reason you'd ever want one is because they're completely immune to Poison and the fact that they resist everything.
- Dark: Dark was invented because Ghost just wasn't enough for the legions of faggot fanfiction writers that make up most of the Pokémon fanbase. All of the creatures in the Dark typing are either deep and mysterious, appear at night or are natural cunts. They are one of the few types to be able to use a Psychic and Ghost-type as toilet paper with no real problems, but somehow can get easily knuckled over by Bugs,Fairies and Fighting types.
- Grass: If it's not an animal with plants growing out of it or an animal with shades of green on it, it's a plant with legs. Highly flammable, susceptible to bugs eating it, easily poisoned, birds can almost literally shit on it and not to mention generally fucking weak, you would only really choose the Grass type as your starter because everyone knows that Rock, Ground and Water types bow down to their seemingly infinite tentacles all in the shape of cocks used to dominate, rape and use them as hosts for their offspring. Oh, and Smugleaf.
- Bug: Slow, weak to Rock, Flying, and would also spontaneously combust at the smallest spark. To make up for that, they usually had an oddly good special attack and many were failed Psychic types as they usually wielded Psychic-type attacks. Most of these shot powders that stunned, poisoned or forced you to sleep.
- Flying: Various winged creatures that can fly. That is, unless they're insects, mostly anything modeled after bats and Gyarados. They were usually weak but fast and sported rather nice physical strength, but were only really useful when they were fully evolved. Rock types can crush them to pieces, Ice types can serve them frozen and Electric types can serve them fried. Only one Pokémon is a pure flying type without hax, and he's a fucking genie.
- Dragon: Probably the only type in the game worth a damn, at least until the introduction of the Fairy type. Overpowered, huge amount of HP, fast, could take a lot of rape and most of them could learn at least one move of every other type in existence. They're mainly used by whiny ass little bastards who think the world of Pokémon is real. Nearly impossible to kill and even MOAR impossible to level-up, Dragon's only weaknesses are Ice, Dragon and Fairies.
- Fairy: The manliest type ever. Also easily now one of the most worshiped types, introduced in VI because the fucktards a Gamefreak realized how OP Dragon and Dark types were. It was announced that the Fairy type is super effective against Dragon type which means that the Dragon type finally gets kicked down a notch and hopefully encourage 13 year olds to use something else.
Status Conditions
During the awesome Pokéman battles which start, either when you step on a Pachirisu, a fat faggot with nothing better to do challenges you to a fight for no real reason at all, or your imaginary friend from irl challenges you and you hook up your Gameboys together so you can start fightin' your Pokémans, Status conditions are one of the things Pokémans can do to each other to piss each other off. They are as follows:
- Paralysis: A condition inflicted most commonly by Electric attacks, Body Slam, Stun Spore and Glare. Annoyingly the most common status condition you can ever fucking get. Paralysis slows the sufferer down by 25% and makes most of their attacks not work. You can recover from Paralysis with Refresh/Heal Bell or Paralyze&status-healing items, only so you can get paralyzed again. Combine with Attract and Confusion for EXTREME TROLLING. Any Pokéman with the Limber ability is immune to paralysis, just saiyan.
- Poison: A less common but equally stupid condition wherein the poisoned Pokemon gradually loses HP even when you are out of battle, shown when your game has a fucking seizure every 4 steps. Can only be cured by Refresh/Heal bell and Poison&status-healing items. Pokémans with the Immunity ability, Poison types and Steel types are immune to it. In the first 3 generations, your Pokéman fainted from poison outside of battle. In Generation IV, they magically recover from poison while on the verge of death at 1hp and in Generation V they stay poisoned but don't cause the screen to seizure or lose health by walking 4 steps, essentially making it no different to having a Burn, minus shitting on the Attack stat.
- Bad poison: Copy/paste of Poison, but does more damage as more turns are taken in battle. Totally fair.
- Sleep; Sleep stops your Pokemon from doing anything at all, unless you use Snore or Sleep talk. It can either last a long time or not very long at all, essentially mindfucking you into choosing whether to use an Sleep-curing item or not. If you're really unlucky, it could last at least 20 turns. Any Pokéman with Dream Eater, usually the one that put you to sleep in the first place, can rape your health while healing themselves at the same time. Any Pokéman with Insomnia or Vital Spirit is immune to sleep, even if it tries to cause it on itself by using Rest.
- Burn: Burns are most often inflicted by 90% of Fire attacks. When affected by a burn, the Attack stat is shat all over similar to how Paralysis shits on Speed, and you lose HP every turn. It doesn't make your game screen have a seizure every 4 steps outside of battle though, and can be cured with Refresh/Heal bell and Burn&Status-curing items or if a Pokéman is a Fire type or has the Water Veil ability it can't get a burn at all.
- Freeze: Caused by at least 50% of Ice attacks and works pretty much the same way as Sleep, by making your Pokéman useless in that it can't fight back. It rarely lasts more than one turn though and has no attacks that instantly causes it. The Pokéman in question can be defrosted in one of five ways; It can defrost randomly on its own, can be cured with Ice&status-healing items, can be defrosted when Fire attacks are used against it, is immune to being frozen with the Magma Armor ability and it can defrost itself using Flame Wheel, Sacred Fire, Flare Blitz, Fusion Flare, or Scald. A pure fail.
- Attract: Psuedo-Rule 34. Pokémans can whore themselves out to the opposite gender and your Pokéman falls in love with it. It stops at least 100% of all your attacks from doing anything when your Pokéman starts pining for dat ass and won't do anything for that turn. Unknown genders can't learn Attract, but those who can use it by other methods can't attract anyone. Combine with Paralysis and/or Confusion for EXTREME TROLLING! Any Pokéman with the Oblivious ability or the game gender is immune to it.
- Confusion: Used only as a last resort or by NPCs to piss you off. The affected Pokéman can fail attacks and punch itself in the face in the process. Higher Attack power means it slaps itself harder, which is why people like the attack Swagger. Confusion lasts 500 turns for you, lasts 1 turn for the opponent. Invest in Confuse Ray for EXTREME TROLLING! Unless of course it has the Own Tempo ability.
- Curse: A lulzy condition inflicted by Ghost types; The user becomes emo and sticks needles in itself using some odd voodoo shit, taking half its health to lay a curse on your Pokéman. Every turn, just less than 1/4 of your Pokémans health will be taken until it dies of severe depression. Massive trolling and butthurt ensues from its use. Use it often and use it against real people to piss them off.
- Pokérus: Not a typical status ailment with negative effects in battle; basically your Pokéman contracted Pokérus from fighting a Wild Pokéman, but you must have battled it and preferably defeated it to catch it, and the virus is really fucking rare. It can be spread to all your other Pokéman, regardless of gender or species. Hell, it can even be passed onto eggs. It can't be cured, and it goes away over time; but the effects of the virus remain for the rest of your Pokéman's life. Pokérus is a special strand of AIDS that turns your Pokéman into the strongest fucking thing evar whenever it levels up, and is really fucking rare despite the fact that it can be spread like the common cold.
The Anime
The Pokémon cartoon (compulsively referred to as the anniemay by fanfaggots) tells the story of hermaphrodite Ash Ketchum, whose hollow life is devoted entirely to Pokémon worship. Therefore, he teams up with his best buddy and partner, the electrified rat Pikachu, and sets out to catch 'em all.
Ash is soon accompanied by Misty O'IttyBittyTitties, former underage fetish model. He is also joined by Brock Statue Tory, all around horn dog and charter member of the Nurse Joy appreciation club. A running joke involves Brock cumming in his pants whenever he sees anything with breasts, which happens with amazing frequency considering his eyes are permanently closed. However, the reason behind Brock's weird-ass behavior is his homosexuality. This is the only explanation why he has never had a girlfriend, and why he loves to cook. As the rest of the gang are major gay-bashers, he hides this with his girl "obsession."
Ash is chased around the world by Team Rocket members Jessie, James, and their annoying retarded cat. They supply 95% of this show's lulz in the form of endless attempts to steal Pikachu so that their boss would appreciate them again, not that he did anyway. They are also the subject of many shipping wars among Pokéfans who are just too dumb to realize James is gay.
Misty later leaves the show after getting knocked up and is promptly replaced by May, a jailbait whore with breasts that more than make up for Misty's lack thereof. May brings along her brother Max, an incestuous little fuckface, who seems to know more about Pokémon than Ash. In order to boost ratings, Dawn is then introduced to the show, and considering that she's 10 years old, she is an even bigger whore than the other girls mainly due to her extremely short skirt. Having the smallest chest, she is clearly fanservice for much of the show's viewerbase.
The series has continued for several more seasons than it ever should have, showcasing Ash and some traveling partners going throughout the region of the games currently being promoted. We have seen Ash paired up with Iris and Cilan as they explored the Amerifat region, and now the show focuses on Kalos. Here, Ash is now accompanied by Clemont, his little sister Bonny, and Serena. Sadly, Ash will never see himself win an official championship as long as the show keeps going. Nor will he get any pussy.
The cartoon is solely enjoyed by people who play the games. Compulsive, autistic, fat, basement-dwelling freaks whom don't receive any love from their mommies and daddies. Watching the Pokemon cartoon is considered by many to be even lower than enjoying a Nickelodeon shit-com. That is fucking low.
4Kids and USA Drama
The Pokémon anime was originally dubbed for U.S. distribution by 4Kids. Several episodes were banhammered by 4Kids for reasons varying from Brock sneezing during the SARS epidemic, to an overabundance of evil Japanese culture, to James showing off his new boobs, to Porygon-induced subliminal messages that would cause seizures and the buying of more Pokémon merchandise. This topic can cause fanboys to rant for hours on their fansites or online journals.
Eventually, Pokémon USA stepped in and yoinked the anime away from 4Kids. All the "fans" who had previously bitched about how 4Kids was sodomizing the series now acted like it was the apocalypse that the voice artists had been replaced. They set up at least 100 online petitions to reinstate the old voices. Pokémon is clearly serious business. To make the lulz even better, one of their voice actors, Eric Stuart (who did James and Brock) posted about the voice actor changeover on his website, whining like a 13-year-old boy and spamming his own guestbook out of angst.
The Comic
As if the world didn't have enough Pokeshit, we now have to have fucking manga comics about it. The one most fantards give a shit about is Pokemon Adventures, known as Pokemon Special by weebs. This comic is the bastion wet dream of Deviantards, shippers, and 9 year old children who enjoy bloody violence. Rife with violence, plundering, blood, Pokemon getting killed, people getting killed, evil gym leaders, trainers being turned into stone, time travel, drama, hate, and of course nudity, Pokemon Special (or PokeSpe for short) is a fucking dream come true, even being endorsed by the original game's creator Satoshi Tajiri. The main protagonists are swapped around, which would give an air of refreshment with each new story arc - however this is a let down once you realize they are named after the games. We are left with shit like a boy named Gold and a girl named White.
In truth, it's just a shitty overblown Marvel-tier mess that only gets points above the cartoon because it doesn't star that cocksucker Ash Ketchum. And even then, the comic's version of Red (Ash's basis) is just as bad. It's all weak as shit compared to real hardcore series.
Videos
Previous Video | Next Video |
Galleries
Rule 34
Official Manga
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I think pokémon is a cool guy, eh steals penises and doesnt afraid of anything. -
Brock watches Jessie take a shit.
See Also
- AGNPH
- Asperchu
- Bulbagarden
- Charles Ziese
- Chris Chan
- Cynthia - Because Nintendo obviously isn't sexist.
- Furries
- Gary Oak - That is one badass motherfucker!
- GalladeXD - Watch out guys, we've got a Pokémon-fucker here!
- Japanese Bug Fights - IRL Pokémon.
- Jessica Nigri
- JustinRPG
- Mewchan
- Mudkipchan
- Nuzlocke
- Pogs - Similar fandom.
- PokéParents
- Poképuns
- PokeShipping
- Rubén Puig Lecegui
- Shipping
- Slash Firestorm - Rule 34s Pokémon and human beings.
- Smogon University - The tourneyfags of Pokémon.
- /vp/
- Weaboo
- What is Brock? - The question that has plagued mankind for centuries.
External Links
- Official Website
UkrDramatica's article on this- Faggotry is power
- Official TCG Website
- Typical fansite
- BROCK WILL STEAL YOUR PENIS is a meme
- Pokémon are real
Creepy urban legend about the music at Lavender Town- Porkemon Fan Fiction The greatest fanfic of all time. Oh, and be sure to read all the chapters and not just the first post.
4chan
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Pokémon is part of a series on Visit the Anime Portal for complete coverage. |
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Pokémon is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
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