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Banjo Kazooie
Banjo-Kazooie is a video game created in the 90s by Rareware while (like Mario, but to a lesser extent) under the influence of mushrooms, LSD, and several other types of hallucinogenic drugs. The game features a furry and a talking bird fighting a fat old hag while collecting talking puzzle pieces. It is thought of as a revolutionary step in video gaming by many gaming experts (i.e. fat, lonely nerds), although it only had three games including the new Xbox 360 game, which is shittier than the other two, plus a metric fuckload of horribly shitty games released on hand-held systems. The game is also considered by some to be a rival to Mario and his dominance in the platformer genre. This is mainly because Banjo-Kazooie contains twice as much epicness, thrice as many furries, and five times the rampant homosexuality.
The game
Banjo-Kazooie is known for its cute, colorful, characters and multiple "fun" environments, like one where you get to run around in garbage and another where you get to fight the boss known simply as "Patchy".
The characters
Banjo, the main character
The retarded, hillbilly hero of the game, Banjo is a furry and, sadly, not the only one. For some reason he sticks a bird in his backpack and uses it as his slave to do anything he desires. His sister, Tooty, who looks like complete Pedobear bait, is kidnapped by some witch named Gruntilda for ultimate beauty. Unfortunately, Gruntilda was too retarded to realize that Tooty was a fucking 12-year-old and would only look attractive to pedos on MySpace. So the bear and his slave go on some magical adventure to save his sister (and get it on with her) before the parents get home and return the land to normal and blah blah blah.
Kazooie, the bird
An innocent bird that was kidnapped by Banjo for sex, Kazooie lives in a fucking backpack and comes out every fucking second because, being a normal woman, she bitches about everything. She is also a complete tool for Banjo and sounds like she's gargling Listerine. The most annoying thing about Kazooie is that she won't stop bitching to Banjo about anything she can think of, from how good her deviantART is, to how, despite having sex so many fucking times, they're not married (probably a fucking lie). In the retarded offspring of a sequel, Banjo-Tooie, Banjo grows some balls and can grab dat bitch and hold Kazooie as a gun, either to shoot eggs (which end up creating furry-bird hybrids after breaking), or to have in-game, high-def, fucking hardcore buttsex, which replenishes her egg supply and gives the furries some shit to masturbate with.
Tooty, the pedobait
Tooty is some pedobait furry that always gets kidnapped by child molesters. This time around, because of bad parenting or the fact that she doesn't have parents, she is kidnapped once more by some witch named Gruntilda so that she can take her beauty. Banjo finds her being gang-raped by pedos in some amusement park and she ends up running home, which she could have easily done before but decided to get raped first instead for the lulz.
Gruntilda
Gruntilda is some creepy dyke that used to be a hot porn star, but was hit by the ugly Truck and turned into a fugly monster. She lives on top of a mountain with the carving of her face in it, which is the reason few people live in the area. For some reason, it is conveniently located right next to Banjo's house. After seeing that Tooty was getting all of the guys, she decided she wanted her canoe sailing again and went out to kidnap Tooty. In the end, she fights Banjo, falls off the mountain, gets crushed by a boulder, and looks several thousand times worse than she did before. Grunty, like Banjo, has a slave; his name is Klungo and he's big, green, and retarded as hell. If you get a game over, the Hot Grunty returns and saves the day.
Bottles
Bottles is some random troll that gives Banjo and Kazooie help along the way. After being banned from 4chan for posting loli, Bottles looked for the quiet life, but instead found plenty of little kids to keep himself occupied. In the second game Bottles gets killed by a spell from Gruntilda and is thus dead, though his ghost haunts you throughout the game. It is also revealed that Bottles has a family, most likely from Italian-Jewish descent based on the stereotypical music playing in their house and the fact that everyone has ridiculously large noses.
Mumbo Jumbo, the reliable Shaman
Mumbo is some stereotypical Native American who knows how to do magic. Being the stereotype he is, in the second game they show him winning in a game of poker, which is apparently racist or something. His usefulness is shown when he transforms you into different things like a pumpkin or an ant, which are completely useless against an enemy with a gun...or any other weapon...or any enemy at all, for that matter. You get to play as him in the sequel, but he can't do anything useful and his only means of offense or defense is a piss-weak tazer.
Humba Wumba
Mumbo's replacement in the second game. Like Mumbo, she's a Native American stereotype, but unlike Mumbo, she's a human and is hawt with large tits. She also fills the Native American stereotype well in that she lives in a tepee and speaks broken English. While she occasionally turns you into something useful like a submarine with unlimited missiles and a sonar attack, she also fucks up massively by turning you into such things as a snowball and a washing machine. Mumbo argues frequently with Humba in Banjo-Tooie because she should GB2 the kitchen, though Humba usually responds with NO U.
Sergant Jamjars
Bottle's shit replacement in the second game and is the /b/tard of Bottles.Like bottles, he's a nigra but unlike bottles, he's a mole using pipes as his own hiding spots which makes him shit and charges shit loads of money like fucking hard mode on heroin. By any point you won't beat the fuckin game without having shit loads of money and heroin which makes this dumb nigger as bad as your momma. Make last use of this nigger because he is concentrated shit with his shit moves just like your momma is with her hairy dick tits.
Gameplay from Blowjob-Kuntzooie
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Sequels
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Surprisingly enough, this shitty game actually had a sequel, called Banjo-Tooie, which was two times worse than the original. Instead of trying to find your now jailbait sister, Grunty returns and pwns the shit out of Banjo's house for making her look even fuglier than before. Our good ol' pedo friend Bottles gets pwned in the process by Raptor Jesus, which, for no apparent reason, causes Banjo to want revenge for him even though he and everyone else hated Bottles. This one somehow had worse graphics and even more fail and AIDS in it, causing the douchebags creators to finally give up for a few years.
Now the same faggot creators want to make another sequel called Banjo-Threeie (another unoriginal name), with even better graphics and a more in-depth storyline (not like the series had one before). As such, it is bound to fail just like the rest. Even worse is that it's being produced for the Ecks Bawks Tree-Sitty, so now Rare's (the creators) mission is to fuck up every other system as badly as the N64. Its said to be like Twisted Metal, Ratchet and Clank, Super Mario Galaxy, Need for Speed, Portal, and the original games, although its really just Half-Life with a bunch of furries, making it absolute bullshit.
Meant for children?
One would assume that the cutesy nature and "E" rating of Banjo-Kazooie would mean that the game was always meant for little 5-year-olds, but as it was found by an ever reliable Faux News report, children's games were never for children. Rare, not content with molesting the minds of children with only excessive furfaggotry and egg-shitting birds, managed to slip numerous instances of mature content and perverse jokes into the games. The majority of the alleged content from the first game is simply poop, dick, and boob jokes. But for the sequel, Rare, being the raging faggots and expert trolls that they are, chose to crank the maturity up a few notches, yet still keep the game’s “E” rating. Whereas the mature humor in the first game was implemented with subtlety, in Banjo-Tooie, Rare decided to take subtlety, lock it in a crate, and throw it off the edge of a metaphorical cliff. For instance, pay close attention to the scene in “Jolly Roger's Lagoon”. God only knows what the fuck they'll try to pull in the third installment.
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Stop 'N' Swop
Stop 'N' Swop was a retarded feature that was dropped before completion of the second game. It would trick people into buying both Banjo-Kazooie and Banjo-Tooie, so you could send secrets from Kazooie to Tooie and unlock stupid minor prizes. Since the fanbase consists of retarded autistic teenagers, they believe that it's still in the game, and spend all their time making up theories on how to unlock it. Rare continues to tease these kids. Here are a few theories found around teh webs. Apparently Rare is going to implant the feature in the Xbox Live Arcade Version of Banjo-Kazooie and in Nuts & Bolts, thereby cock teasing the faggots.
—BanjoPL | ||
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Gallery
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A typical friendly character in the game. -
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OMG improved graphics!!!1 -
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Grunty looking her finest after her transformation. -
Furries have an underground network within the Banjo-Kazooie Realm.
See also
26645663: Banjo-Kazooie Rhymes
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Banjo Kazooie is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
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