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J-Rock

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J-Rock (also known as Japanese Rock, butt rock, "HA HA oh what the fuck", or "holy shit that was a man?!") is what fat wapanese bitches listen to, even though none of them understands what the fuck is being said without looking up some 14 year old girl's dodgy translations on Songmeanings.

Some of the many, many fags of J-Rock.

The History of J-Rock

At least 10 minutes ago, when the earth’s crust cooled a small part of it invented tentacle porn. This really squicked the rest of the crust so the small fucked up part was forced to split off into the ocean. This island became… Japan

In Japan, after all the people crawled out of the ocean, lost their flippers and developed society and populated the island, the crossdresser was invented as a way to both keep women in their place and satiate the need for ancient lulz.

After everyone got sick of dinner theater, all the cross dressers needed work so they began to form bands to cover Beatles songs. Thus J-Rock was born.

Though not as popular as its bastard third aunt tentacle porn, the influence of J-rock can’t be denied. It has the power to make people repeatedly humiliate themselves in public (especially in azn restaurants), pay 50 dollars for fucking audio cds on YesAsia (because nothing makes you more HARDKORRRRRE™ than paying out the ass for music with lyrics you can't understand), and learn up to 6 words in Japanese, all while switching the region on their DVD player roughly 923480384203 times.

Types of J-Rock

There are five common types of J-Rock and they consist of Visual Kei, Oshare Kei, Angura Kei, wannabees, and actual music. Nearly all of it that's popular in America is corporate crap. Imagine 80 clones of Linkin Park in drag and you have some idea of what people mean when they say they like J-Rock. Most of the bands of this so-called genre like to plagiarize David Bowie's image onto every single aspect of themselves. To fangirls this makes them very original.

Visual Kei

 
They started it.

Visual Kei is the most popular form because it's so FABULOUS. Visual Kei bands (which are completely interchangeable) usually consist of clusters of fags who run around playing air guitar while looking like Ronald McDonald after he got run over by a Hot Topic truck. These bands make a big show of being all "dark" and shit, much like any and every 16 year old girl who's ever been near deviantART. Songs can be recognized by laughably awful vocals that are either over-the-top, tuneless BLAAARGH metal constipation, or over-the-top crooning that would put Morrissey to shame. At its heart, Visual Kei is just an ugly rehash of '70s glam rock and 80s Hair Metal, but with far less credibility. The majority of the bands have French names for some lame reason. Sometimes they also have obscure Japanese names that the Japanese don't even use and never use them in their lifetimes. VK bands tend to have the largest followings of sadsack, sexually frustrated fangirls, as they have the most ample opportunities for slashfic.

Bands include:

  • X Japan
  • Nightmare
  • the GazettE (spelling it any other way will result in BAWWW's from teh srs fans)
  • Dir en grey (Ditched by fangirls like yesterday's stale Pocky due to newly acquired "mainstream" status, $14 CD's in Hot Topic and their decision to stop dressing like cyberpunk trannies and just make fucking music)
  • Lariene
  • Psycho le Cému
  • G.H.O.S.T
  • Miyavi
  • Rentrer En Soi
  • Phantasmagoria
  • Alice Nine
  • Kagrra,
  • Vidoll
  • 12012
  • Malice Mizer

Oshare Kei

 
"Ok, guyth? I know this place is called the Horny Sailor but yur gonna have to tone it down."

Oshare Kei, an even more puke-worthy outgrowth of Visual Kei, is the newest of the faggotry. Oshare Kei consists of a bunch fags that look like they stepped out of a bad LSD trip through an all-gay Mardis Gras and have a lot of piercings. They pretend to play instruments during some of the most horrifyingly garish music videos you'll ever see. They pose like retards and make stupid expressions all the time, probably because if they showed that they took themselves even the slightest seriously they'd be laughed right out of existence. The music sucks 100% of the time and their fanbase consists of ADD-ridden 13 year-old girls who think they're hot when they just have Internet Disease IRL.

They also have blogs in which they play yaoi-bait and pose with teddy bears and talk about how much they want to buttsecks their other bandmates. They come up with some gramatically retarded names such as "Antique Cafe", but since the fangirls can't pronounce or spell them, they give them even worse ones like "AnCafe".

Bands are:

Angura Kei

 
"We've done caught us a nest!"

Angura Kei bands play songs about guro. They have a lot of elitist fans that think they're better than the other wee bees because their band doesn't give each other fake blowjobs on stage like Visual Kei fags. They do, however, wear so much eyeliner that they look like fucking raccoons (or in other cases, Hamburgler from the McDonald's ads).

Angura Kei artists are weird and many have an obsession with Imperial Japan or the Nazis. These bands never make it mainstream, and if they do, they end up turning into pussies and start singing about skateboarding and how much fun it is to be a rockstar. They also end up going to anime conventions and performing for American otaku.





Some of these bands are:

Wannabes

Wannabes are the annoying sellout bands that write all their songs in Engrish and think they're cool AMELICAN STYRE, but the music still sounds like shit, and the idiot singing still sounds like he's speaking Japanese. These bands are popular amongst 13 year old boys, and thus, hated in the general J-Rock wankdom, which consists of 4 people, all of which are wapanese faggots.

Such bands are:

  • Ellegarden
  • UVERworld
  • Heartsdale
  • Beat Crusaders
  • Orange Range
  • Pay money to my pain
  • The Pillows
  • Any other Japanese band that did a song for an anime in Engrish.

J-Fail

 
Typical wannabe Jrockers
 
Even J-FAIL bands get their share of pussy

J-Fail is what you call the fail J-rocker/J-band wannabe. They're usually not slanty eyed Japanese, and their music sucks 10 times more than an actual J-band, and usually they'll channel the look and sound of Malice Mizer or Versailles.

Such raging homos bands are:

Fangirls

 
We are so Kawaii!

The J-Rock fandom consists mainly of sexless fangirls of varying age and mental instability scattered around MySpace, Facebook, deviantART and LJ. They are the worst of any fandom for anything ever and consist of the most retarded people out of all the other Wapanese subgroups. Usually they write really gay fanfictions, draw really gay pictures, and make annoying gay avatars and banners that have been the targets of many a regretted wank by confused men. They hate anything that deals with a vagina, including each other. Rarely, there are male J-rock fans, but most of them are in denial about loving the cock so they pretend to pine over Japanese men who look like 12 year old girls and then insist "My girlfriend made me do it!". Alternatively, they can be fat basement-dweller straight fags who listened to too many Naruto theme songs and mistook Izam for Sakura, masturbating furiously.

J-Rock obsessives live in a delusional world in which every Japanese man looks like a girl and every Japanese man is gay. Women do not exist in Japan because they're all actually crossdressing men. Japanese procreate by the use of spores and some kind of alien tube shit. Despite this belief that Japan is a country of gay men, they still want these fags to bone them... but forget the fact that if they're fucking each other in the poop hole then obviously their cocks are not going in their vaginas. It's likely that these girls are just used to having every single male they've ever met claim they were gay as a straight response to seeing their face. It's also common knowledge that most JRock bandguys would sooner fuck an AIDS-infested hooker than any of their fans but it doesn't stop fangirls from blowing every single dollar they have, just like your mom did on those guys at the All Male Review.

Fangirls can usually be spotted among the greasiest of the acne lepers at anime conventions, and are usually either morbidly obese or completely androgynous (maybe both and not androgynous in the pleasant way, more like the big fat bulldyke way). They can often be heard screaming words such as "kawaii!" "kakoii!" and "bishies!" while watching Gundam Wing or any other show that fuels their warped sexual cravings or buying dollfies for a large amount of money to stick up their fangina. J-cunts are also very anal about where they get their music and are incredibly butthurt over illegal downloading, conveniently forgetting the fact that if some Jap faggot hadn't ripped and uploaded that shit to Napster over 9000 years ago, they would've never discovered any of the shitty bands whose songs they so pathetically mime the words to.

Fanboys

Fanboys, in most cases, are even worse than the fangirls they bitch about so much. These boys are self-correcting, always right and just as obsessive. Now both sides think that one or the other is the worst, though of course both should be shot. Often, the fanboys lust after Japanese men more than the fangirls, if possible. More J-rock cosplayers/elites are male who think they know everything from indies bands to defunct horrible VK acts. They are among some of the worst people imaginable. Some go to the non-fans point where they pretend to be gay to get laid. For some odd reason they are usually from Europe. Want to see some amazing lulz on behalf of the male side? Check out any Dir en grey music discussion post; the cock-sucking involved there is amazing, it's all one big sausage fest. There is a very small fraction of male fans who haven't lost every ounce of dignity in their bodies or allowed their love of such unique music to infect them with the dreaded EMB virus. When found, you can actually attempt a conversation with them about Japanese Rock and not get a response full of either high-pitched squeeing or unwarranted self importance. However, these encounters are few and far between... You have a better chance of getting to Antarctica on foot.

A perfect example of a "know it all" fanboy is Cyrus_XIII on WP. He is a WP-Nazi who claims that books on J-Rock are not good enough resource and btw, the New York Times isn't a valid resource either. His favorite pastime is blanking pages to "merge" them with another article - and then not adding any of the content, effectively deleting the page while side-stepping WP's deletion policy.

Watch his edits for lots of LULZ.

Tonberry / Impact Media.uk

 
In-depth convos indeed!

If you want to see some of the best Fanboys and their sidekicks, ignorant European Fangirls, the best place to view these creatures in the wild is Batsu, but some SJW Faggot was soooo butthurt they made a huge entry here about Tonberry, which is a tiny who-the-fuck-cares forum full of trolls, that even has a dedicated trolls-only area. Batsu is usually just as much of a lulzpit, though they do occasionally have real conversations (which later turn into hilarious flames that get posted to JRock_Wank)

See Also

 

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