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Gambling
Gambling is a multi-faceted phenomenon popular in both IRL and OTI. Sometimes 'legal' and sometimes 'illegal', gambling is almost always a good way for you to become very poor, very quickly and to make rich men of those who conned you into playing whatever game you're addicted to and betting your mortgage, kids' college funds and your marriage on.
Often described as "A GAME FOR REAL MEN, YOU FAG."
There are many ways in which you can participate in FAILING.
Online Gambling
A big favorite with 13-year-old boys and 16-year-old girls, this form of gambling usually involves their parents; in that the parents don't know you're running up huge losses on their Visa cards.
Online Poker
Since ESPN decided that poker is a legitimate sport (despite the lack of any real exertion — unless you count facial ticks as "flexing") and celebrities made it cool on such TV shows as Celebrity Poker Showdown, online poker has become the game of choice for hipster high schoolers.
Typical Online Poker Player
Meet Prahlad Friedman: vegan, Jew Californian, weaboo rapper, wigger, online poker champ - and that's according to Wikipedia.
PROTIP: You'll wish it was a Rickroll.
Friedman plays online under the names Zweig, Mahatma, Spirit Rock and Prefontaine. Not like you'd ever want to talk to this asshat. This sort of borderline aspie retardation is encouraged in the poker world to make their players more memorable.
What makes it worse is that he's a millionaire. LOL broke. Word.
Online Sports Betting
These are websites run by small groups of similarly interested people with unlimited disposable income. Sports betting has its own language, dealing with vigs, overs, unders, spreads, yada yada yada. What the language boils down to is that if you don't pay me, bitch, I'll fuckin strangle your ass. Or at least rape your credit score into dust. Everyone thinks they'll beat the system on a sure thing. Everyone thinks they're smarter than the bookies but we all know the house wins in the end. Every fucking time. You are no different.
Online Bingo
One of the most popular online gambling games is online bingo. According to the Internet Bingo Blog, there are over 357 online bingo sites currently operating. Some operators require players to download free software to play their games. Other operators use JavaScript or Adobe Flash based games that allow you to play immediately online after registering a player account.
And here is what you play:
Casinos
A casino (cash-eee-no) is a magical wonderland, an adult playground with bright flashing lights, lots of nose and copious amounts of free booze (as long as you're playing) served by aged trollops in mini-dresses and fishnet tights. They're also a great place to go if you're short on breath, since casinos pump their rooms full of pure oxygen to keep the drunken, sleep-deprived NORPs awake and 'alert' enough to keep on turning over all their money to the Mafia.
Casinos are places where idiot people pour money into brightly lit noisy machines and masturbate while waiting to become instantly rich. Often, casino use is as addicting as any other type of crack.
Common fantasies at the casino include "doing" the cocktail waitress, blowing the blackjack dealer or being "shown a good time" by the sexy hotel clerk. None of this ever really happens, of course, but since "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" and no one's stories can ever be verified, such tales of ribaldry abound.
The denizens of casinos tend to be whores, thieves and other dregs of society such as overweight families from the Midwestern United States dressed in matching polyester and dragging four or five screaming kids behind while "on vacation." These wankers, while commonly seen as prey by the locals of casino-hosting villages, are also the source of much of a casino population's wealth, so the "bleed them till they die" mentality hangs in careful balance with the "show them a good time" ethos.
If a normal person is confronted with a casino, normal human curiosity and thrill-seeking behavior, combined with the urge to "strike it rich" can be an overpowering force sucking the poor person into the maw of despair that is the casino floor. But strength can be found if one looks away from the epilepsy-inducing flashing lights long enough to notice the dry, shriveled husks of humanity inevitably attached to the slot machines.
Casinos are found all over the world:
- Las Vegas
- Wretched hive of scum and villainy. Don't let the commercials fool you. If everyone in Vegas was rich and beautiful then they wouldn't film so many episodes of "Cops" there. Vegas seems all cool until you get your drunk ass battered and rolled into a gutter by a couple of no-neck goombahs because you won a few too many hands at the tables.
- Atlantic City
- Indian Casinos
- Injun casinos are like the payback for smallpox blankets. Like Las Vegas except that the guidos have fucking tomahawks. Don't worry about losing, the tribal council will probably blow all that money on king-size bottles of Listerine anyways.
- Cruise ships
- A casino you can never, ever, ever leave...unless you jump overboard. This seems like a great idea after you lose your pension at the craps table.
- Europe
- Home of respected gambling establishments filled with hot and cold running pussy. Only James Bond can afford to gamble here.
Street Gambling
On top of straight-up cons, like Three Card Monte, played out for the white man's Jew gold on the bustling streets of most major cities, there are many popular games of chance played in dark alleyways and basements - including craps, cock fighting and fisticuffs - which are especially popular with broke, alcoholic blacks and Hispanics on parole.
Legal Gambling
The Lottery
Many cities, states and countries around the world have legalized gambling in the form of lotteries. These take place in various forms but are totally not evil like regular gambling since all the money that a bunch of glue factory workers from some crap town you nevar heard of doesn't win is supposed to go to schools or some shit.
Lottery winners are usually the scum of the earth. Even when they win millions of dollars they remain white trash, kind of like Eminem. Lottery winners also run into horrible fates with uncommon frequency:
- Rick Camat - won millions in the California lottery only to be shot to death by cops.
- Oscar Cordoba - stabbed his wife repeatedly and killed his mother in law.
- Michael Carroll - Went from garbageman to rich back to garbageman in record time.
- Gerald Muswagon - hung himself after spending all of his lottery winnings and being arrested twice.
- Iorworth Hoare - won the lottery while in jail for serial rape.
- Kevin Lee Sutton - shot some girl in the head with a .22.
Rotten Library article on Lottery Winners
Horse Racing
Horse racing takes place at large tracks populated by old people, hopeless alcoholics, the poor, and scared rich people who huddle away from the masses in private booths. Horse racing can be likened to yiffing in the sense that they both make you hate animals. The idea is to pick the horse and jockey (an old horse racing term that means "freakish midget") that come in first.
People at the track put all their faith and hope in losers with the worst odds, hoping that the noble beasts will break a streak of bad luck and make the gambler rich. Then the gambler drinks when the horse loses. The horse, now useless to their owner, is then shot. Either that or they bet for the unbeatable horses that are guaranteed to win. This makes them pennies at a time, barely enough to cover their astronomical bar tabs. The horses that win wear out faster, making them antiquated and useless before they normally would - working their way to the inenvitable broken bone and shotgun mouthwash.
So horse racing produces two things:
"OTB" betting parlors are places that allow you to watch horse races and bet on them without leaving the comfort of the bar.
Stock Market
Some people like to place all their faith in the stock market. In 2007, all teh players in the stock market were pwned. Some people place the stock market above their very own allah, which is actually more rational, considering that the real lord & savior is mr. raptor jesus. For some reason, people continue to play in the stock market game, they are usually douche bag hot-shots that are most probably very queer and love to take it in the pooper from other males.
Rock Paper Scissors
Scissors beats Rock because you can't cut Paper with a Rock.
Paper beats Scissors because when the Scissors is safely wrapped in Paper you can even run holding them. Even if you trip over a Rock.
See Also
- Pwnt
- Vegas
- Online Gambling
- Native Americans
- Dead-Pool
- Drunk
- Hookers and blow
- Russian Roulette
- Fap Roulette
- You just lost the Game
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Gambling is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
