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Half-life 2
Half-Life 2: Electric Boogaloo is an overrated first-person shooter developed by Valve Corporation, that won over 40 Game of the Year awards. It is mostly used as a platform for socially-stunted gamers to play Counter-Strike.
The game is based on the adventures of a cardboard cut-out named Gordon Freeman. After the events of the first game, Gordon Freeman was kidnapped, teleported thousands of years back in time and raped in oblivion for at least 100 years by G-man, and then somehow ended up on a train heading for City 17. City 17 and the entire world are controlled Dr.Br33n, a local pedophile and war-monger. He spends his days blabbing about shit on giant screens, eating the flesh of his enemies, and rounding up all the kids in the world to his secret lair (ergo there are no children in the game). Gordon then gets kidnapped by an alcoholic and is subjected into revolting against the relatively peaceful regime. He goes on an adventure for 2 days, meeting Morgan Freeman and his half-black daughter, psychotic fundamentalists, English buccaneers, and eventually goes back to City 17 and pwns Br33n's sorry ass. Unfortunately, G-man (who had been stalking Gordon for the entire game) captures him again and the game ends. Wow, that shit is so profound.
Here's the progression of the game: you start off with an actually pretty neat walk through Shitty 17, and then a little while later you're in a sewer for over an hour. Then you have to ride a hovercraft and you're like "Wow, coolness! Thank Jesus fucking Mary Magdalene on a bed made out of win I'm out of those fucking sewers!" And it almost immediately gets old, then you proceed to ride the hovercraft around for a million fucking years. Repeat formula for the rest of the game: 10 minutes of cool shit followed by 3 hours of boring shit until the typically anticlimactic shit ending.
Half-Life 2 pioneered new, groundbreaking storytelling technique. Rather than making you sit around doing jack shit during overlong, shitty cutscenes, the game lets you walk around during overlong, shitty cutscenes.
Episode One
Valve realized they had just made gamers play 10 hours of a game with an alleged story without actually providing any story whatsoever, so they start trying here, and in exchange this one is consumed with running around in variably boring-ass dark places as your bitch follows you around and says "Wow! Look at that thing!" every two minutes. The game delivers a half-assed ending and left fans/noobs waiting on the second episode, which we all know is shit.
Episode Two
The creators of Half-Life figured that if they were able split the sequel into 3 pieces, they could sell your soul to Satan. Unfortunately, this did not work, and they ended up selling their own souls at 5% interest. Oh well.
Episode Three
The fabled Episode 3 has been demanded by fanbois since the dawn of time. However it is clear that the more requests Gabe Newell gets the more he decides to delay Episode 3 and release shitty games like Left4Dead, Left4Dead 2, Portal 2 and other shit nobody cares about. Some suspect that Gabe slipped in the Valve HQ and caused an earthquake just when episode 3 was about to be released. This caused unrepairable damage to all episode 3 copies and they had to start over again.
A theory created by Facepunch member Master117 explained that the reason Half-Life 2 Episode 3 is taking so long is due to a time dilation effect due to how massive Gabe Newell is. Following the creation, the theory was shamelessly ripped from it's roots and posted on 4chan by some faggot, which was then posted on reddit by some other faggot.
Steam
The game is run by Steam, which means that most people will bash their monitors in the first 5 minutes of download (if they don't tear their arms off first). The Steam client won't let you play any game- even games with absolutely no online capabilities- unless you have an Internet connection. They try to trick you into buying your games again by claiming that your games are pre-loads and your account is faulty. This works on the typical Steam user. Steam(ing pile of shit) means that its not up to hydrogen yet. Damn six years of work. This is also the future of DRM (digital rights management)...fucking buggier than an entire swarm of dickants.
Typically for most trailer park dwelling fucktards, the idea of "ending a process" and restarting the client is far too advanced for them. Better take that CS III class.
The Great Macfuck
After Steam was recently ported to the Apple Mac, Valve decided to release its flagship title aswell. Normally nobody would give a shit but the morning after PC fags woke up to find their bandwith was being raped in the ass. All this was a result of Half Life 2 recieving a massive patch to help Macfags resolve their "problems".
The patch had to finish to play Half Life 2 again and Steam steals OVER 9000% of your bandwidth for the downloads. So PCfags were severely butthurt, however Valve continued to troll them by announcing Team Fortress 2 was coming out for Mac along with all its useless patches.
So all this butthurt happened only to deliver patches to PC gamers which only fixed Mac versions.
Videos, Fanfic crap and Video Reviews
Previous Video | Next Video
Gallery
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Episode 2 - The hentai expansion -
Episode 2 IRL Headcrab -
Episode 2 introduces the new enemy: the Michael Advison. -
OMFGBISCUITFOOFLEWAFFLE PERVERT INBOUND!!11 -
OM NOM NOM -
In-Game expressions -
Gordon's father -
Ah yes, a masterpiece indeed. Bullet cock art.
Rule 34 gallery
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Gordon fucking Alyx Vance's hot ass.
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Alyx is a hot chick to fuck.
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Wincest -
Part 1/3 -
Part 2/3 -
Part 3/3
See Also
External Links
- Mininova.org- Christmas come early? lulz
- Official Half-Life 2 Website
- Half-Life 2 CD CRACK
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Half-life 2 is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
