Cthulhu

Cthulhu is a badass alien god-thing worshiped by the jews as well as an alleged presidential candidate. It is a well known and an established scientific fact that Cthulhu is actually a predecessor to its newer evolved form the Flying Spaghetti Monster. An ancient prophecy about Cthulhu, written in an ancient form of leetspeak says:

Google knows Cthulhu called Ammonites conspired with ancient jews.

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wagn'nagl fhtagn.

Translation: In his house in R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming. To further explicate the matter: deep beneath the Pacific waves, Cthulhu lies entombed in his house in R'lyeh, dead but dreaming. When the stars become right, the island city of R'lyeh will rise above the waves and Cthulhu will stride the surface once more, making the Earth his plaything as the Old Ones return, wiping humanity off the face of the planet in an eldritch orgy of destruction in one fell swoop. Every Lovecraft nerd is familiar with his half-brother, Hastur, who he hates so much.

TL;DR The alien thing is dead but somehow dreaming when he wakes up he is going to destroy the world. Never heard that one before. Oh, also he looks like Davy Jones.

Tell me more, Great One

File:Necronomicon2.jpg

But just what is this almighty god of tentacles, rape and win? Like some of his other works, H.P. Lovecraft gives barely any actual description as to what Cthulhu actually looks like. He gives a brief description here, taken from his own "The Call of Cthulhu":

[The statue] represented a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, and long, narrow wings behind. This thing, which seemed instinct with a fearsome and unnatural malignancy, was of a somewhat bloated corpulence, and squatted evilly on a rectangular block or pedestal covered with undecipherable characters, taking a huge dump. The tips of the wings touched the back edge of the block, the seat occupied the center, whilst the long, curved claws of the doubled-up, crouching hind legs gripped the front edge and extended a quarter of the way down toward the bottom of the pedestal. The creature was clearly in a lot of pain from the massive dump it was taking. The cephalopod head was bent forward, so that the ends of the facial feelers brushed the backs of huge fore paws which clasped the croucher's elevated knees. The creature made an inhumane sound, its shouting barely able being only minutely pronounced in human voice "ishallgiveyouhead", causing many horrified sailors to immediately shit themselves to death. He gurgled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said F'kgash and he had souls in the mirror. If anything He could say that this cab was weird, but he roared: "Nah, forget it- Yo, human, to R'lyeh!"

Ooh, im aroused already. Please Continue

Back in the good old days, the Earth was ruled by the Great Old Ones, multi-dimensional beings of incomprehensible power who would hold massive dinosaur orgies and rapings every day. These orgies would lead to the creation of gigantic puddles of God semen, which eventually began to take its own shape, and turned into blasphemous tentacled polyps, the ancestors of the common jews.

Unfortunately, the Great Old Ones too busy raping dinosaurs and cleaning their multi-mouthed cocks on Tyranosaurus teeth and forgot that they could only live when the stars were right. But when the stars were not, they entered a death-like sleep, like the common black person after eating too much KFC.

The Great Old Ones needed places to crash. Some, like Azathoth, who was busy raping the crab and eggplant peoples on Yuggoth at the time, remained in dimensions outside our own. Others, like that fucking frog thing and Shub-Niggurath, were too busy fucking nigger goats and got trapped on the Earth. They all relied on Cthulhu to wake them up, but unfortunately he built his fucking city in the middle of the fucking ocean, which then sank. Since water shorts out everything, Cthulhu couldn't send the signal to his brothers in space, instead relying on influencing the dreams of early men, who would serve as an outside force that could awake him once the stars were right again. In doing this, he became the very basis for fear in man. He is fear incarnate, so that cringe u get when you watch BME? Thats Cthulhu. The horror upon learning that the FBI has found your stash of cp? Yep, Cthulhu. The healthcare bill, yes, thats him too.

So, what happened?

This plan almost worked. But then Cthulhu, who was busy rewarding the kindly norweigian sailors that accidentally woke him up inside his stomach, got a fucking shipping trawler rammed into his eye. While he quickly reformed, he unfortunately lost his concentration on keeping Ryleh, still on manual, afloat. And he sank. While this may seem like a fail to some, keep in mind that by influencing the mind of men, Cthulhu created extraordinary amounts of lulz during his brief period. Such accomplishments include:

The kidnapping, raping, and then eating of niggers and babies
Insane, barbaric orgies which involve sacrificing the kidnapped niggers and babies to be raped and eaten by other, more blasphemous things instead.
Making many artists, architects, and other people no one cares about go insane.
Had norweigians eaten by the achitecture of his own city, WTF
Cause wanton acts of violence and chaos around the globe.
Left his son here to troll soccer fans.

And this was all within a span of 21 days, of which he only spent about 15 minutes actually on the earth. Also Cthulhu is just the Jewpriest and he has many superior jews above him, such as Obama, the Emperor and you the only thing that could save us was Hitler but we fucked up and killed him LOL!

In Popular Culture

Worshiped fanatically throughout the mythos, Cthulhu's power is undeniable. Even today, in popular culture, the will of the Deep God draws followers. These followers of the great one lie scattered across the globe, awaiting the day when the stars are right for Cthulhu's awakening where he shall teach man kind new ways to revel and kill and enjoy themselves where the Earth will burn in a holocaust of ecstasy and freedom. But unlike the blood and brine soaked cultists of canon, current worshipers are not just the offspring of your mom's pig orgies, but range from college students, fatties, little girls, pretty much everyone that has ever heard of him really. Being an unfathomable badass and variable master of all twisted and wretched life, a beast of the infinite mind, and alluring aphrodisiac that stimulates the artistic sex drive, Cthulhu is the archetypal beast of horror: beyond mere bodily or physical harm. But, to many, he is "CUTE!!1"

However, we shall deal with them soon. Very Soon.

Like the putrid Shoggoth, today's Lovecraftian fans are disgusting blobs of forsaken burden, similarly taken to imitation as their visceral counterparts; imitating Gods, or people with taste.

Sites with large fan bases like Hello Cthulhu, and buyables like stuffed plushies, scene clothing, and [probable] fleshlights, have plunged the honesty of the Cthulhu character into vapid banality; However, these people are just fucktards, as any normal cultist knows not to say word of the great one aloud lest you suffer his wrath. True cultists hide their worship for their families, where they confide and plot their orgies to with hopes of one day including their siblings in sacrifice.

Cthulhu's gospel shall live on despite the internet's constant raping, as most of the idiots listed above do not know Cthulhu's true message. Therefore, the cult of Cthulhu would like to provide you with some educational videos to help start your conversion to Judaism. Enjoy: IÄ! IÄ! CTHULHU FHT'AGN!

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The Simon Necronomicon, or, This isn't funny anymore

	“	"...the Necronomicon, a highly secret magical text released in paperback."	„
	—William S. Burroughs.

It's a time-honored practice to find out/write your own Necronomicon. As long as it's done tongue-in-cheek it's all fun and games. But there is one Necronomicon that stands out, the dead-serious Dan Brown of the necronomicons; The Simon Necronomicon, originally published in 1977 and has never been out of print. It consists of more-or-less factual sumerian material. So basically, it's only good for three things:

Material for textual criticism.
Goad new agers by showing them TSN and ask why they don't take a walk on the dark side.
Inspiration for creating your own religion.