DotA

Defense of the Ancients, or DotA, is a custom game for Warcraft 3 that is used to wean World of Warcraft addicts from their habit, but eventually becomes habit forming itself, similarly to how methadone was used to cure heroin addiction. Although DotA is one of the most popular games today, playing it is like rolling around in shit while doing Jack Thompson's mom, disgusting,unpleasant and downright shitty.

This custom map is single handedly responsible for killing the RTS genre as its bastard offspring spreads like cancer, slowly and unstoppable.

What is DotA?

Think Warcraft 3, but instead of controlling an army, you control a single character and your army runs towards the enemy as if they are bored with life and you can't do shit about it. The game primarily consists of you killing the mindless drones on the opposing force to gain experience and gold, using that gold to buy items for your character and using the experience to learn and upgrade abilities, the exact fucking same as any other "A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S." (Aeon of Strife Styled Fortress Assault Game Going On Two Sides). Hopefully your character will become strong enough to defeat the opposing characters so you can destroy their base. To its credit though, playing DotA is like a complete MMORPG experience in thirty minutes, however this is also a bad thing because despite the fact it doesn't consume your life it still feels like you're playing WoW.

DotA

THE CUSTOM MAP THAT STARTED IT ALL
Ascend into the realm of autism!

The shit that DOTA truly is

The DotA load screen, it contains cleavage to help attract the nerds.

DotA is not only maybe the most boring game ever, but is the ONLY map that most of the population on Warcraft 3 plays. As a matter of fact, one thing that's a lot more fun than DOTA is the "how few DotA games can you find on the screen at once after refreshing game." To do this, you simply click refresh, and then watch as 80% or more of all the maps that show up are DotA.

Moar reasons that DotA is shit are…

It's like WoW. Playing a game that's LIKE WoW is like jerking off to n00d picz of girls that LOOK under 18.
It's not newfag friendly.
There's gay shit everywhere.
OMG GENERAL PROUDMOORE BOAT THROWINGNESS OMGOMGOMG IS RIGGED!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@
Along with every other new character in the past 5 versions...
People use blinkstrike to run away from Proudmoore!
Just trying to learn to play is like ROFLSTOMPING your self respect because you're a fuck if you are full of n00b

DotA and blame-shifting

A favorite pastime of 95% of DotA players is to make excuses when they get owned, in a pathetic attempt to shield themselves from the harsh reality that their own shortcomings have just been exposed for the world to see, and to try to maintain what little crumbs the other players probably never held in their minds that the dead player in question is in fact, a good player at all. Excuses are many, ranging from "lag", to "LAAAG" to "LOL I WASN'T WATCHING (tharfore surely i wud have owned yuo)", or another favorite one "Where was my team! What you guys doin?!?! Yall jackin off over there or what?!" On top of this, dissatisfaction often manifests itself amongst some players regarding their inability to do jack shit but sit there and take a fat Blademaster cock up the ass when they get raped by ownage combos, usually in the form of post-death mockery such as "i can push one buttens and get kills WOOO". In this example, "WOOO" is the noise of a child uncontrollably shitting its pants and crying.

In many cases especially in the Philippines, people who become "PROS" in this so-called "game" turn out to be n00bs in real life. Infact ask a regular DotA playing Flip to a video game challenge that doesn't involve Counter Strike or DotA(For added drama, ask him to play a regular skirmish game of Warcraft III) and he will most certainly lose to you on the spot mainly because Counter strike is the only other game the retard would play.

Many variations of the DotA map exist. Some maps cater to Narutards. Others, like Tides of Blood, cater to fuckwits with a scatological sense of humor.

DotA players

FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU

The average DotA player is not only a retard, but a nerdy azn, he is also usually a fucktard and a homo who sucks cock everyday. They have usernames such as Iluvlittleboys223,M1(H43L _| and Iamtehsuxxorz365, GapingChasm.

The DotA community is somewhat reminiscent of the Counter-Strike community and I'm not just talking about how members of both communities seem to never get bored of playing the same map over and over. Both communities are full of people who play no other video games and obviously don't think the game is fun at all, the only reason they keep playing is because they are one of the rare few that actually stuck at it long enough to get consistent results and now they have no other life to go back to so the game becomes their everything: their source of social interaction, their source of accomplishments and the source of the illusion that they are actually doing something with their lives. DotA players should not be classified as human beings. Many DotA players play this game because they are too slow to handle FPS's.

Basically this means that when you play DotA that if your team is losing you can expect to flamed by the loser who's sole purpose in life is to pwn at DotA.

Effects of playing DotA

One of the dreadful effects of watching or playing DotA is the reduction of a bit of your IQ. Another is a slow, horrible death due to internal hemorrhaging. It is also known that your head can explode due to the sheer retardation level and shittiness of the game.

Those whose minds are simple/retarded/stupid enough to somehow TAKE the overall shittiness will have their minds liquefied into a fine goo and transformed into an addict, which is why most DotArds play their shitty game 24/7.

DotA and Noobs

I'm not kidding there are fucking heaps of heroes and the list just keeps growing.

As stated above DotA is not newfag friendly, this isn't because the game is near impossible to master properly (like Pacman) but rather it is completely and totally over complicated. In DotA, there are roughly one hundred characters each with their own stats and unique abilities and almost as many items. To make matters worse in order to actually acquire good items you have to merge items together in what they call a "recipe" which causes the simple decision of choosing an item to increase your agility to take 60 seconds or longer which adds up because you have to keep buying items or you will get pwned hardcore.

This complicated system results in literally over 9000 different combinations. One would expect that you could simply stick with a handful of characters you actually like but you'd be wrong, the people who obsess over DotA get a great deal of pleasure reminding you of how their mastery is far superior by choosing the "all random" mode which means you could be playing as any of the eighty characters available and to make matters worse all the "hardened" DotArds expect that you have had extensive experience with all characters and memorized all item and ability related documentation.

In the event you are unable to live up to the standards of the benevolent veterans you can expect to be slandered and mocked at every turn. Eventually word will get around about how much you suck so you can expect to be instantly booted from any DotA games you try and join which will prevent you from gaining any useful experience leaving you no choice but to become an hero (or go back to Halo, but who wants to live with that kind of shame?).

DotA and Leagues

DotA has many leagues in which people play dota very... very... seriously. These are some leagues you can register for, google their websites to register this will enable to troll on a whole new level.

Clan gdg
Clan Syn
Clan dxd

/profile Result for more dxd leagues.

The key to trolling such a league is you can flame, troll, talk shit as long as you don't do certain cardinal things I will lay them out here to facilitate trolling:

Do not destroy items of yours or your teams as this will result in you being shitlisted
Do not TK your team obviously
Do not go afk for more than 5 minutes
Do not do worse than 0-7/0-8

Things you can do easily:

Buy retarded or illogical shit
Play terribly
Rice in the jungle
Pretend you don't speak English etc.

Trolling a dota league is far more fun than trolling a public(pub) DotA game!

Trolling a DotA Game

An in-depth guide

The sole reason to play this game (other than that of being a loser) is to troll it. Seeing as how anyone who plays this game only has a life in it, you can expect any and every other player of this online game to go COMPLETELY FUCKING PSYCHO every time they see a n00b or a troll. Heaven forbid someone will ruin a perfectly good game for them!

Trolling a DotA game is simple and lulzy. All you need to do is go into a game that says "DOTA NO NOOBS" or "DOTA PROZ ONLY" and act like the noob fuck that you are. Not only does this piss off everyone else in the game, but it means they have to express it with swears, flames, and the host has to remake the game from the very beginning, resulting in a huge waste of time. You can also join games that are nearly full, after typing that you're ready, and that you're not a noob, wait for it to start. A countdown will start , and before the host can react (preferably at the 1 second mark) press ESC for massive lulz. If you failed to leave the game in time, fear not! Your trolling options have only expanded.

Other things you can do:

Pick Holy Knight and cast Test of Faith on allies non stop.
Pick Bloodseeker and cast (level 1) Bloodrage on allies non stop.
Pick Sand King, find an area with lots of traffic, and do nothing but cast Sandstorm the whole game.
Pick Enigma, and cast Eidolon Spawn on ally creeps non stop.
Pick Clockwork Goblin, learn the missile attack, and stay in respawn point firing missiles randomly nonstop.
Pick Broodmother, learn Spin Web and Spiderlings first, cast webs everywhere in enemy lanes, and send out an army of baby spiders for suprise rape.
Pick Morphling, learn Atribute Morph, and turn all of your Strength into Agility(less strength=less health), then rush into battle.
Pick Goblin Techies, and do nothing but cast Suicide Squad, Attack! on enemies.
Pick Venomancer, and cast Plague Wards strategically to trap allies in corners.
Pick Invoker, learn the Ice Wall spell, and cast it when allies are trying to escape.
Pick Butcher and cast Hook on allies non stop.
Pick Prophet and cast Sprout on allies non stop.
Pick Clockwerk Goblin and cast Power Cog near allies.
Pick Bane Elemental and cast Nightmare on allies non stop.
Pick Faceless Void and cast Chronosphere on allies when ranged enemy heroes are near by.
Pick Proudmoore (moar liek Poundmoar, amirite?) and cast X Marks The Spot when they're running away.
Pick Tiny and toss their ass into a group of fags.
Pick Vengeful Spirit, run into an enemy group, then use Nether Swap on an ally.
Pick Keeper of the Light save enough gold for a blink dagger, blink into a place no one can get to or get out of your Ultimate Spell then cast Recall, which teleports people to you. Watch as they rage that they cant move.
Pick Pitlord, buy boots of travel teleport around and take all of the creeps denying your allies gold, train your ultimate ability use it when standing near your allies and teleport them back to your base, over and over again, buy a referesher to do it faster.
Pick Drow Ranger and don't get Ice Arrows or Silence, but get Helm of the Dominator.
Pick Antimage and don't get Mana Break but get Helm of Dominator, and five Blink Daggers.
Pick Lord of Olympus and do nothing but kill steal all game long.
Pick Butcher and cast Rot till you die, say "n00b host". Buy a Hood of Defiance to stay alive longer for maximum trollage.
Pick Magnataur, buy lots of Tangos and a Quelling Blade. Now move to the lower right corner of the map. Hack yourself through the trees until you are in the corner of the map. Cast Skewer in direction of the map's borders. Magnus will completely disappear from the map - the next move you do with Magnus will crash the game for great justice.
Pick Centaur and therefore win the game even if you are asleep or dead for the better part of it.

Unfortunately many of these tactics can be prevented by an experienced player who is aware of the "-disablehelp" command. Thus another and more effective way (as it means you don't have to bother leaving your current game and entering a new one) is by simply clicking on Menu (top of screen) and then "Save Game". This is superior to pausing the game, as saving the game means NOBODY KNOWS IT WAS YOU. Saving the game results in every other person's DotA game freezing as it is for 20-30 seconds or so, depending on the latency rate of other people; however the best aspect of this method is that the title you use when saving the game will become the name of a file in all players save folder and, since most players are unaware of this, it might be years before they find out. Pick your title wisely for maximum trolling power.

In a sad, pathetic attempt to reduce the amount of drama in DotA games, Many hosts claim to use a banlist that will INSTANTLY BLOW UP YOUR COMPUTER AND GIVE YOU AIDS the second you leave a game. Aspiring trolls need not worry though, because 99% of people screaming "LEAVERS WILL BE BANNED" don't have one in the first place, and because banlists don't do shit anyway since no one took the time to make one that doesn't completely suck. In reality, Banlist is for n00bs that can be gotten around by anybody just by simply making another account.

Still not happy with the amount of trolling you've done? Feel free to add a host or SERIOUS PLAYER to your friends list and continue to talk shit. While spamming a player will quickly get squelched or temp-b& from WC3, shit talking with at least decent grammar is bait that every DotA player needs to bite. Talk about how they were the worst fucking dragon knight you've ever seen. Make fun of their score, their level, or anything game related. Stay clear of personal attacks or anything a 13-year-old boy would write, they'll just ignore you. However, if you DARE TO FUCKING MAKE FUN OF THEIR PLAY STYLE, OHHHHHHHHHH YOU'RE IN FOR IT NOW!!!!!

All Pick Easy Mode

All Pick Easy Mode (-apem) is the most common state of affairs you are likely to find yourself in if you participate in the furfaggotry that is DotA. Trolls should avoid this mode at all costs, as its games usually consist primarily of trolls. Many Dotafags have argued that playing this mode makes you a bad person, but this is mostly because Dotafags implicitly add 'at DotA' to any judgment they make about anyone. If you are forced to play DotA, beware of being lulpwnt by quadriplegic infants on Easy Mode. Icefrog has designed it specifically in order to facilitate the largest number of whining sessions ever recorded on the internetz, and has been widely applauded for this decision.

DotA and the least cool music video ever

Swedish homosexual Basshunter wrote a techno song about DotA which somehow managed to get high in the charts of backwards countries like Denmark. According to some people Basshunter is very famous, although no one outside of his home town has ever heard of him.

NOTE: It is delightfully fitting that "Basshunter" has decided to portray himself as living at home with his mother in this video.

Typical DotA Games

This is a typical game of dota. Note ragequits.

This KotL shows us how a DotA game should be played.

Previous Video | Next Video

DotA clans

People form DotA clans when they get tired of playing with pub trash and scrubs. Unfortunately, even with clans like TDA that require safelisting or icon, or THR which requires ELO over 1000 to get into Tier 2 games, this does not eliminate scrubs.

TDA - Where the Sentinel is 99% of the time a stacked team of friends
THR - Wwhere anyone with their ELO less than 1000 is a n00b
NEs - (Defunct) Used to spam Clan TDA in fits of nerdraeg
MYM - Also accused of spamming both TDA and THR channels for great justice
DXD = (Defunct) Imploded when people figured out Banlist is worthless

DotA 2

VALVE'S NEW MONEY-MAKING MACHINE
Ascend into the realm of autism - again!

Last Thursday, Valve kidnapped IceFrog and raped him in every way possible known to mankind, until he agreed to make DotA 2. It was to be released in 2011, but Gabe in the typical Valve fashion, ate half the development crew, so it was delayed for two centuries.

DotA 2 is boasting all 100+ heroes and stays true to the original action RTS framework. This will, of course, make all previous versions of DotA defunct, making it rot and die in the grave of forgotten carcasses of gaming. Waves of faggots will abandon LoL and hurr durr as Riot Games slips into bankruptcy. Pendragon will QQ and IceFrog will demand a rimjob. The entire player base, minus S2 fags, left HoN and spilled their blood for DotA 2. It has it's own cash shop so you can buy stupid hats and accessories like in Team Fortress 2 or have Dr.Kleiner from Half-Life 2 and other random faggots and lowbrow losers being the announcer(s) of the game.

The worst artstyle your eyes will ever gaze upon!

DotA 2 is known for the worst community in the history of gaming and mankind. Besides the Russian cancer that devoured 70% of the game, the community is completely made out of 13-year-old boys, basement-dwellers, faggots (not to be confused with closet homosexual teenagers), closet homosexual teenagers, nerds, russians of all age and shape, attention whores and worst of all, you. If you expect to make friends in this game, think again asshole. Immediately after the match started, people will hate you for picking the wrong hero, picking the wrong first ability, picking the wrong items, picking the wrong lane, calling you every swear word imaginably. They will bash you, your family, everyone and everything you cared for, all this and more when they announce your existence to the enemy team, who joins in the bashing and eventually everyone will report your dumbass, most of the time falsely, so you will get low priority next time you search for a match. If you're lucky, you will discover the mute buttons and survive the ordeal, but as the nitwit wanker you are, that's probably not gonna happen. All this will probably transcend at around minute 1, 1 and a half, if you're still in game, you will proceed to get continuously gangbanged by the enemy team, because your own team informed them of your position, after that be prepared for more bashing and humiliating chants now mixed with spam from map signals and homoerotic drawings on the minimap.

The learning curve of DotA 2 and DotA in general is wider than the diameter of VY Canis Majoris (largest known star, diameter 1,975,220,000 km, fuck you). The only way you can learn this game is by dedicating your life to DotA, killing your family so they won't disturb your existence and building yourself a tube-like-device that will force feed you oatmeal so you will never have to move away from your computer. Also popular in the community is to dig a whole right next your monitor to shit and piss directly into it, if the smell is to bad, block the whole with the dead bodies of your family members which you previously murdered.

The competitive scene is irrelevant, because of Asians. It doesn't matter how much you will study, learn and practice DotA, you will eventually be raped and humiliated by Asians, who naturally form a symbiotic relationship with video games. After that you will realize what a waste of human resource you are and all that time playing and learning DotA you could have spent discovering the sun light or french kissing a shotgun.

If you're playing this game in Europe, you're royally fucked by default. Every match will consist of random uneducated dolts that don't speak English, most of the time from second world countries, who will immediately assume everyone in the world speaks their mother tongue. The best example are the Russians with their Cyrillic godforsaken horrid abomination of a vocabulary which will eventually clog up the chat. These mongoloid baboon like creatures are so underdeveloped that when questioned why the fuck they don't speak English in the first place, they will attempt to insult you in the most broken, raped and brutalized English in history, they will ask you why don't you speak Russian (like anyone sane would learn that manure), then they will instantly assume you're American and/or your mother tongue is in fact English, because speaking two or more languages for them is something titanic and inconceivable, completely disregarding the fact that Americans can't even connect to the European grid.

Phonic pollution will ensure from mic spam, most of the time from children, attention seeking whores, foreigners, losers over 20 or random people who are raging from a previous match they've lost. Depending on how much life hates you, matchmaking takes from 1 to 15 eons. To make matters worst, after you successfully connected to a game, there's always the random wooden PC mother fucker who can't even load Minesweeper fullscreen, but he's in DotA, so the whole process restarts, forcing you into an infinite loop. Playing a match without a feeder, random rage quitter, random afker, random non-stop jungle farmer, random no-lifer who ganks the entire game or without a stacked enemy team formed from friends or a clan/team is 99% impossible. Thus, you're forced to be inevitably raped one match after another. Enjoy.

Currently there is a large scale war on /v/ between League of Legends fanboys and Valve drones.

Heroes

Here we have the heroes. Their only purpose in life is to run up a road, through a river, to hurt people.

Abaddon - The most original character in the history of mankind. He totally can't be found in every movie, video game, comic, religion, song and culture in existence. The logical conclusion would be that his purpose was to replace that pussybitch Arthas, because a game isn't complete without the typical mundane putrid faggot with a pansy "evil" voice and a raggedy ass cape, obsessed with death, mist, eternal damnation or any other emo shit like that.

Alchemist - A favorite among jews.

Ancient Apparition - Needs to be good to use him but only people that suck pick him.

Anti-Mage - No fun allowed.

Axe - A shaggy blood soaked tampon with legs. He's a transfigured version of Grom Hellscream, probably made so fanboys would shut the fuck up, but someone went a little overboard when they ended up with an over-sized red orangutan with plump juicy man tits. He speaks like someone trapped in the mid 1800's and has the face of a rapist who rapes rapists. His weapon is a big axe, obviously to compensate for his enormous dick. He randomly swings his axe 360° when hit, so patting him on the back when you meet him in a coffee shop wouldn't be such a good idea.

Bane - DO NOT HIT HIM! DO NOT HIT HIM! DO NOT HIM! YOU FAGGOT!

Batrider - This fucker will lasso you and pull you to his team.

Beastmaster - Another re-skinned asshole, made to replace Rexxar, but instead of getting a fat bloated fuck with a black Hello Kitty mask, the end result was someone who landed head first in a bucket filled with red paint. Also, they decided to stick two goat horns into his forehead, because nothing says beastly more than two erect phalluses attached to your head. He summons the rare and mystical flying chicken and a Skag, because why not. He does his ultimate by forcing one of is axes deep into his prostate.

Bloodseeker - Absolutely worthless unless you're playing in pubs, which of course, you are. Also, you can't run from this faggot.

Bounty Hunter - Because every game needs a shit rogue.

Brewmaster - A drunken Furry who spills Beer on everyone. His ultimate involves Gang Rape.

Bristlaback - Looked cool at first, but everyone stopped playing him after a week. Countered easily by anyone with a Magic Wand.

Broodmother - Has the worst Win/Loss in the game, but only because pubbers have no clue how to play her. Fights by injecting eggs into people, as they Explode as tiny spiders from their freshly killed corpse

Chaos Knight - Don't feed this fucker, he will hit you like his arms are trucks.

Chen - A Christfag wearing a Turban who's only redeeming trait is recruiting creeps into his religion.

Clinkz - Playing this hero early game is like being burned alive.

Clockwerk - Pretty badass. Can nuke anyone from across the map.

Crystal Maiden - Requires BKB to user her ult.

Dark Seer - This is an annoying faggot. Kill him ASAP.

Dazzle - If an emo a faggot and a troll could somehow have a three-way love-child, it would be Dazzle.

Death Prophet - her one wish in life is to become an Hero

Disruptor - Nobody plays Disruptor.

Doom Bringer - Satan

Dragon Knight - Every game needs a shitty warrior

Drow Ranger - Can kill you as soon you enter her attack range.

Earthshaker - Buy a blink dagger to obliterate the entire enemy team with two button presses and a mouse click.

Enchantress - Invincible to both right-clickers and Kiters. Also, is a ~~heartless murderer~~ lover of everything.

Enigma - Only used for his ultimate.

Faceless Void - Has two abilities involving you not being able to move, and his other two involve you not being able to hit him.

Gyrocopter -

Huskar - Wanted to become an hero but Dazzle made him immortal. His bodily excretions are apparently highly flammable.

Invoker - Has literally the most useless Ultimate in the game.

Jakiro - Two headed dragon thing. Literally does nothing but fly around and vomit fire and ice on people.

Juggernaut - Because every game needs a mysterious masked pseudoriental samurai person.

Keeper of the Light - Ezalor is legit but morons try to play him as carry too much.

Kunkka - Step 1: Build Daedalus. Step 2: Right Click one of the enemy heroes. Step 3: ???? Step 4. PROFIT!

Leshrac - Stand around and get kills.

Lich - Your team mates will love running into each other when he uses his ultimate.

Lion - Two ways to make you useless and a kill button.

Lone Druid - DA BEAR

Luna - Only remembered for her Scottish accent.

Lycanthrope - Only good for jungling and pushing. but he does those jobs Well

Mirana - Definitely not Luna.

Morphling - Use morph to convert all of your strength into agility. Strength is for scrubs.

Naga Siren - The fight is over when the fish lady sings.

Nature's Prophet - Preferred by both jews and dicks in general.

Necrolyte - Gives AIDS to anyone around him. Press R to steal kills.

Night Stalker - Likes to party when the sun sets. Gives people hugs when they least expect it.

Nyx Assassin - nyxnyxnyxnyxnyxnyxnyxnyxnyxnyxnyxnyxnyxnyxnyxnyxnyxnyxnyxnyxnyxnyxnyxnyx

Ogre Magi - Likely the protagonist of the game, as the player can easily self-insert into the character as an avatar.

Omniknight - Every game needs a shitty paladin.

Outworld Destroyer - Has a deadly superiority complex. His attacks only do damage if he's sure that he's smarter than the enemy's plebian mind.

Phantom Assassin - Her ultimate makes enemy gib. 10/10

Phantom Lancer - This biatch looks like he's from Avatar. Responsible for 76.142% of all QQ's in the game.

Puck - A Gender-Queer Fairy Dragon. Often confused by Canadian players as an object of adoration and nostalgic bliss.

Pudge - Pudge's hook can cause the most rage in the game, both for the enemy and his own team.

Pugna - Picked to counter every spellcaster in the game. Is the squishiest thing imaginable until you get Aghanim's Scepter, which lets you continuously suck out the life of anyone within a 50-meter radius.

Queen of Pain - Solely responsible for the majority of the majority of any fanservice Valve has and will ever produce. Unless you count Crystal Maiden.

Razor - Static Link is useless. Check my level, bro.

Riki - Often completely wrecks the pub scene, but mostly because everyone is too busy to buy wards or dust.

Rubick - Nigga stole my spell

Sand King - Surprisingly not what you think.

Shadow Demon - Shadow Poison, Shadow Poison, Shadow Poison, Shadow Poison, Shadow Poison

Shadow Fiend - Consumes the souls of those he slaughters and struts around like he doesn't give a fuck.

Shadow Shaman - Suluchi-nominus-forti-cali!

Silencer - Makes enemies shut up and Steals their intelligence whey die.

Skeleton King - Used to only require one key to play. Then patch 6.78 came along and made things way too complicated

Skywrath Mage - Single-handedly responsible for every throw since his debut.

Slardar - Most sloppily made hero in the game.

Sniper - No skill.

Spectre - dsoesd aennyonnea enve kwno wtha tshi bhcitichb isi sganyiangs?

Spirit Breaker - This guy will charge at you from anywhere in the map and ~~destroy your anus~~ break your spirit.

Storm Spirit - R, click, W, click, Q, Click, R

Sven - Has canonically is the most well-endowed hero in the game. When he's red you need to back the fuck off.

Templar Assassin - This bitch hurts like a truck and can have eyes all over the map.

Tidehunter - I COULD EAT A SEA CUCUMBER.

Tinker - Dr. Kleiner in fantasy form.

Tiny - Token Rock Giant/Golem character.

Treant Protector - Is supposed to be a support but he doesn't do much except heal buildings. He speaks for the trees.

Troll Warlord - Valve's way of saying fuck you to anyone who lives with their mother after the age of 20.

Tusk - Because every game needs a shit viking.

Undying - Zombie. Also, Gummy Vitamins.

Ursa - Excellent for nubcakes that only like to right click.

Vengeful Spirit - This bitch will pull a switcharoo and fuck you over. Noobs can cause lulzworthy moments with this.

Venomancer - Well warded.

Viper - Try to run, Die. Try to attack, Die. You're gonna need some serious burst damage to deal with this shitbag.

Visage - The most picked hero in The 2013 Internationals. Not only requires skill to play, but is also boring

Warlock - In a tight spot? Press R. Get Agh's and a refresher orb to summon four giant flaming demons

Weaver - Has a panick button that undoes everything you done to him. The only hero with an excuse to get a divine rapier.

Windrunner - Don't worry, most people that picked her suck because they think she's similar to Drow.

Wisp - Most OP support in the game. Whoever had the Wisp always on The International 2013.

Witch Doctor - Hea's a fuckin' ston dat bounces all ova da place, mon.

Zeus - I can kill you from anywhere in the map douchebag.

Rip-Offs & Offspring

Here we have a fine selection of all the terrible games DotA has brought to us:

League of Losers Samefaggotry

THE A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S. FOR CASUALS
Velcum 2 summanas rieft!!1

You, having the thought of playing ANY kind of A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S.

As of 10/29/09 it has been announced that DotA is it's own game. The game being named, League of Legends.

Imagine the freakish one-night stand between World of Warcraft, drunk off his ass, and the sopping wet cunt of DotA. The result of such anal play is League of Legends, a festering anal wart that will haunt "Guinsoo" and "Pendragon" to their graves. It is basically a polished up version of dota, only with a set of tutorials for the newfags.

Fortunately, to make the whole experience more exciting, some new deep gameplay mechanics have been introduced. For instance, if you don't have flash on cooldown, you'll rape your enemies in the ass every single time you try, making the game truly fun and entertaining to play.

Here some sweet fucking things you can do in League of Legends:

Download it, play it and uninstall it FOR FREE!
Participate in games ranging from 25 minutes to MORE THAN AN HOUR! Enemy team got ya down? Getting fisted right to the shoulder? The client ties your account's ID to every game you join so if you try to quit and play another, YOU GO RIGHT BACK TO IT!
Use points you earn in games to purchase new champions! Don't even think about saving up for skins 'cause you have to buy RRRRRRIOT POINTS for that! Cunts!
Level up through the ranks! Invest points in talents! Buy the extra 0.02 HP rune because that's the ONLY REASON you aren't winning at your skill level!
Purchase champions from the store and pick from ten free ones EVERY WEEK! But seriously, you and I both know you will suck at any one you pick. This is the game Koreans play with one hand and punish the slightest error with total e-rape, forcing you to focus your energy on a single champion to get good. Then a day comes where, by the wind of luck, you will TOTALLY FUCKING PWN. Waves of monsters will fall at your feet, enemy heroes will quiver in fright and your allies will tongue your testicles. However, this surge of e-peen will melt to a string of losses and butthurt as you try to explain zero assists and constant feeding. Yeah, I'm sure that build got you a legendary streak last game. Maybe you should stick to playing against AI bots and phone us when you're ready for some teamwork.
GET ADDICTED! League of Legends has all the enticing elements of WoW! Collect enough gold to buy the black phallus you've been eying! Shit the same ball of magic on the same goddamn monster for the fucking thousandth time! Masturbate over one character and die inside when the Infinity Edge you farmed for vanishes at game's end! Now you can have the life sucked out of you in thirty minutes or less, GUARANTEED!
Kill yourself when everyone flashes everywhere evading all your well-placed skillshots.

LoL was created by Riot Games, a group of DotA fantards from around the globe willing to make goals such as pioneering the game genre, Aeon of Strife.

Heroes of New-URFF

THE PART-TIME DOTA REPLACEMENT YOU HAD TO PAY FOR
Hear people scream through the microphone!

Why would anyone want to play HoN anymore?

S2 Games, fresh out of ideas for almost seven years, decided to cash in on the "session based multiplayer action RPG game" crop. Having produced two other games based around their mystical faerie world Newerth, they decided to crank out a DotA clone based on the same dull world. S2 offered IceFrog an ass-ton of money so he would give them pointers on how to fuck up their game beyond all recognition. He said, "Sure, why not? I'll be going to Valve anyway so you'll be bankrupt and giving blowjobs in a year. Might as well shoot yourselves now, faggots, 'cause I'll be the one wrapping a twenty around my cock." Fanboys misinterpreted this as "ICEFROG DEVELOPED HON, SO DOTA 2 CAN'T BE BETTER! LOL FAGS!" Thus, Heroes of Newerth was cloned.

Heroes of Newerth boasts many original fucking concepts that sets it apart from the other DotAs:

Connect and re-connect all day long!
Play it for FREE. Yes, imagine if you were on of those fucking losers that picked it up for $30.00 before it went F2P! That's half the price of StarCraft II for twice the amount of fun!
Wait an entire year for an important patch!
Voice chat is incorporated into the fucking game! Now you can hear your fat teammates wheeze as they call you a dripping cunt for the thousandth time!
If you don't have the balls to take people hating you, either take the suggestion mentioned in every single forum post and leave, or else take the other suggestion and an hero. The only response by the community would be lulz.
Play unbalanced heroes on a map so choked with shadows that you won't see the band of niggers coming to bid you "good day!"
Over 30,000 players, making it more popular than food, sex and WoW combined!
Once you are part of the community, you will become addicted to saying the phrase "HoN"! Coolest community in teh world!
Marry HoN. Just marry the motherfucking game. Don't ever play or even talk about another game again. There is no other game. You bought the HoN roster, now never say anything other than "HoN" on the forums, or you're fucking dead.
Diss Dota 2, because games that aren't drowned in bloom/DOF effects aren't worth shit.

Smite

300px.

HI-REZ STUDIOS AT THEIR BEST
Accurately depicted deities

When your ankles get randomly ticklish during the day, that's your queue to trim some bush.

Smite is the newly delivered miscarriage in the "A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S." department, currently in beta. Conceived by the collective brain dead putzes at Hi-Rez Studios, who not only single-handedly gangraped Tribes beyond recognition but also decided to flee the sinking ship, when their own community realized what a bunch of stupid assholes they are.

Hi-Shit Studios having no original concept or design of their own, decided to stop kicking the dead horse in the room and search for ideas in the dark bowels of gaming. This instantly gave the entire development crew a seizure but not before stumbling upon the mangled corpse of DotA. Like the rest of the vultures before them, they eagerly started to devour every ounce of DotA they could find and after several days of indigestion, Hi-Rez Studios sharted out Smite, a third person perspective remake of DotA but with a cesspool of mythological deities to replace heroes.

The heroes or "Gods" are entirely made for basement-dwellers, pedophiles, furfags and 13-year-old internet tough guys because their already over sized dipshit kiddie egos aren't large enough, but now they can run around calling themselves gods. Also as a bonus, dumb cunts can now remember Zeus as a flying bearded Fabio in a half-dress, who didn't cut his pubes for a millennia. Most of the gods are half mongrel half something and the rest are just textbook retarded.

Smite was slapped with religious controversy, mainly from Hindu leaders, because Kali (Hindu goddess associated with empowerment) is depicted as a blue cum dumpster with legs. As expected, Hi-Rez Studios CEO and master fletcher, Todd Harris, fagged the fuck out and told the religious leaders to QQ some moar. To add another scoop to the shit sundae, they also told them that they will add more Hindu deities to the mix, taking douchebaggery to a whole new level.

The game already has a competitive scene, which can be called the saddest thing ever. The game has six main game types because playing old fashioned DotA isn't torture enough. You can now enjoy a game of king of the hill, capture the flag/point or play a practice match so you can more efficiently contemplate on your suicide options. Instead of destroying an ancient, the goal of the game is to kill a hunk of shit that's basically the final boss. Also, the tier 3 tower was replaced by a phoenix bitch that will eventually re-spawn, so the whole point of clearing a lane lost all of it's fucking meaning. Like they haven't stole enough from DotA, somehow they added the buff creeps from League of Legends, so now the game can be officially called the incest offspring of DotA, League of Legends and Land of Chaos (third person perspective).

QED, this game is a putrid sack of shit.

LOCO: Land of Chaos Online

300px.

KOREANS AND THE CONCEPT OF FOREIGN LANGUAGES
Misunderstood azn masterpiece

What in the name of fuck...

Proof that Asians have no comprehension of any other culture outside their borders. Long ago, somewhere in an opium den, a bunch of sweaty Koreans woke up and discovered no one is playing Aeon of Strife anymore so they decided to simultaneously have explosive diarrhea on a CRT monitor. The result was "LOCO", because loco pretty much summarizes the entire game. As previously mentioned, LOCO, is a third person perspective game from around 2010 or so. The game is a mixture between two of the most tasteless, mundane and repulsive things in the world, DotA and anime. As predicted, the playable characters range from anything the Asian mind can fantasize. From lolis, furries and vampires to a half furrie half loli big headed demon midget with a Star Wars skin. The worst attempt in human history was made when they tried to actually name these characters. Original and thoughtful names like "Foxlady" or "AAKbah", which is safe to say was constructed after the dude in charge collapsed on the keyboard, probably from starvation.

Like with any other free-to-play bullshit agenda, there's a costume shop where you can buy different colored panties and necklace dildos for the accurately depicted tall muscular Asian men and big breasted Asian women. To the rejoice of weeaboos everywhere, there's literally so much skin showing in this game that buying costumes is irrelevant.

There are two game modes: deathmatch and the usual DotA scenario. In deathmatch you have 12 minutes to brutally fist fuck each other to win. The cap is 300, but it's impossible to reach it anyway. In the normal DotA mode you do all the usual bits but instead of killing a building or a dude at the end of the lanes, you gotta kill both. First you destroy the headquarters, then you have to kill the commander which gets summoned after you fucked up his crib.

The game was developed by Danal (The-anal) Entertainment, there's no official website and the last update was in July 1, 2010. Clear to say this game is pretty much dead or dying. If you're into disproportional weirdos with weapons bigger than their body size, this crap is for you.

Rip-Offs & Offspring

Here we have a fine selection of all the terrible games DotA has brought to us:

League of Losers Samefaggotry

THE A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S. FOR CASUALS
Velcum 2 summanas rieft!!1

You, having the thought of playing ANY kind of A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S.

As of 10/29/09 it has been announced that DotA is it's own game. The game being named, League of Legends.

Imagine the freakish one-night stand between World of Warcraft, drunk off his ass, and the sopping wet cunt of DotA. The result of such anal play is League of Legends, a festering anal wart that will haunt "Guinsoo" and "Pendragon" to their graves. It is basically a polished up version of dota, only with a set of tutorials for the newfags.

Fortunately, to make the whole experience more exciting, some new deep gameplay mechanics have been introduced. For instance, if you don't have flash on cooldown, you'll rape your enemies in the ass every single time you try, making the game truly fun and entertaining to play.

Here some sweet fucking things you can do in League of Legends:

Download it, play it and uninstall it FOR FREE!
Participate in games ranging from 25 minutes to MORE THAN AN HOUR! Enemy team got ya down? Getting fisted right to the shoulder? The client ties your account's ID to every game you join so if you try to quit and play another, YOU GO RIGHT BACK TO IT!
Use points you earn in games to purchase new champions! Don't even think about saving up for skins 'cause you have to buy RRRRRRIOT POINTS for that! Cunts!
Level up through the ranks! Invest points in talents! Buy the extra 0.02 HP rune because that's the ONLY REASON you aren't winning at your skill level!
Purchase champions from the store and pick from ten free ones EVERY WEEK! But seriously, you and I both know you will suck at any one you pick. This is the game Koreans play with one hand and punish the slightest error with total e-rape, forcing you to focus your energy on a single champion to get good. Then a day comes where, by the wind of luck, you will TOTALLY FUCKING PWN. Waves of monsters will fall at your feet, enemy heroes will quiver in fright and your allies will tongue your testicles. However, this surge of e-peen will melt to a string of losses and butthurt as you try to explain zero assists and constant feeding. Yeah, I'm sure that build got you a legendary streak last game. Maybe you should stick to playing against AI bots and phone us when you're ready for some teamwork.
GET ADDICTED! League of Legends has all the enticing elements of WoW! Collect enough gold to buy the black phallus you've been eying! Shit the same ball of magic on the same goddamn monster for the fucking thousandth time! Masturbate over one character and die inside when the Infinity Edge you farmed for vanishes at game's end! Now you can have the life sucked out of you in thirty minutes or less, GUARANTEED!
Kill yourself when everyone flashes everywhere evading all your well-placed skillshots.

LoL was created by Riot Games, a group of DotA fantards from around the globe willing to make goals such as pioneering the game genre, Aeon of Strife.

Heroes of New-URFF

THE PART-TIME DOTA REPLACEMENT YOU HAD TO PAY FOR
Hear people scream through the microphone!

Why would anyone want to play HoN anymore?

S2 Games, fresh out of ideas for almost seven years, decided to cash in on the "session based multiplayer action RPG game" crop. Having produced two other games based around their mystical faerie world Newerth, they decided to crank out a DotA clone based on the same dull world. S2 offered IceFrog an ass-ton of money so he would give them pointers on how to fuck up their game beyond all recognition. He said, "Sure, why not? I'll be going to Valve anyway so you'll be bankrupt and giving blowjobs in a year. Might as well shoot yourselves now, faggots, 'cause I'll be the one wrapping a twenty around my cock." Fanboys misinterpreted this as "ICEFROG DEVELOPED HON, SO DOTA 2 CAN'T BE BETTER! LOL FAGS!" Thus, Heroes of Newerth was cloned.

Heroes of Newerth boasts many original fucking concepts that sets it apart from the other DotAs:

Connect and re-connect all day long!
Play it for FREE. Yes, imagine if you were on of those fucking losers that picked it up for $30.00 before it went F2P! That's half the price of StarCraft II for twice the amount of fun!
Wait an entire year for an important patch!
Voice chat is incorporated into the fucking game! Now you can hear your fat teammates wheeze as they call you a dripping cunt for the thousandth time!
If you don't have the balls to take people hating you, either take the suggestion mentioned in every single forum post and leave, or else take the other suggestion and an hero. The only response by the community would be lulz.
Play unbalanced heroes on a map so choked with shadows that you won't see the band of niggers coming to bid you "good day!"
Over 30,000 players, making it more popular than food, sex and WoW combined!
Once you are part of the community, you will become addicted to saying the phrase "HoN"! Coolest community in teh world!
Marry HoN. Just marry the motherfucking game. Don't ever play or even talk about another game again. There is no other game. You bought the HoN roster, now never say anything other than "HoN" on the forums, or you're fucking dead.
Diss Dota 2, because games that aren't drowned in bloom/DOF effects aren't worth shit.

Smite

300px.

HI-REZ STUDIOS AT THEIR BEST
Accurately depicted deities

When your ankles get randomly ticklish during the day, that's your queue to trim some bush.

Smite is the newly delivered miscarriage in the "A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S." department, currently in beta. Conceived by the collective brain dead putzes at Hi-Rez Studios, who not only single-handedly gangraped Tribes beyond recognition but also decided to flee the sinking ship, when their own community realized what a bunch of stupid assholes they are.

Hi-Shit Studios having no original concept or design of their own, decided to stop kicking the dead horse in the room and search for ideas in the dark bowels of gaming. This instantly gave the entire development crew a seizure but not before stumbling upon the mangled corpse of DotA. Like the rest of the vultures before them, they eagerly started to devour every ounce of DotA they could find and after several days of indigestion, Hi-Rez Studios sharted out Smite, a third person perspective remake of DotA but with a cesspool of mythological deities to replace heroes.

The heroes or "Gods" are entirely made for basement-dwellers, pedophiles, furfags and 13-year-old internet tough guys because their already over sized dipshit kiddie egos aren't large enough, but now they can run around calling themselves gods. Also as a bonus, dumb cunts can now remember Zeus as a flying bearded Fabio in a half-dress, who didn't cut his pubes for a millennia. Most of the gods are half mongrel half something and the rest are just textbook retarded.

Smite was slapped with religious controversy, mainly from Hindu leaders, because Kali (Hindu goddess associated with empowerment) is depicted as a blue cum dumpster with legs. As expected, Hi-Rez Studios CEO and master fletcher, Todd Harris, fagged the fuck out and told the religious leaders to QQ some moar. To add another scoop to the shit sundae, they also told them that they will add more Hindu deities to the mix, taking douchebaggery to a whole new level.

The game already has a competitive scene, which can be called the saddest thing ever. The game has six main game types because playing old fashioned DotA isn't torture enough. You can now enjoy a game of king of the hill, capture the flag/point or play a practice match so you can more efficiently contemplate on your suicide options. Instead of destroying an ancient, the goal of the game is to kill a hunk of shit that's basically the final boss. Also, the tier 3 tower was replaced by a phoenix bitch that will eventually re-spawn, so the whole point of clearing a lane lost all of it's fucking meaning. Like they haven't stole enough from DotA, somehow they added the buff creeps from League of Legends, so now the game can be officially called the incest offspring of DotA, League of Legends and Land of Chaos (third person perspective).

QED, this game is a putrid sack of shit.

LOCO: Land of Chaos Online

300px.

KOREANS AND THE CONCEPT OF FOREIGN LANGUAGES
Misunderstood azn masterpiece

What in the name of fuck...

Proof that Asians have no comprehension of any other culture outside their borders. Long ago, somewhere in an opium den, a bunch of sweaty Koreans woke up and discovered no one is playing Aeon of Strife anymore so they decided to simultaneously have explosive diarrhea on a CRT monitor. The result was "LOCO", because loco pretty much summarizes the entire game. As previously mentioned, LOCO, is a third person perspective game from around 2010 or so. The game is a mixture between two of the most tasteless, mundane and repulsive things in the world, DotA and anime. As predicted, the playable characters range from anything the Asian mind can fantasize. From lolis, furries and vampires to a half furrie half loli big headed demon midget with a Star Wars skin. The worst attempt in human history was made when they tried to actually name these characters. Original and thoughtful names like "Foxlady" or "AAKbah", which is safe to say was constructed after the dude in charge collapsed on the keyboard, probably from starvation.

Like with any other free-to-play bullshit agenda, there's a costume shop where you can buy different colored panties and necklace dildos for the accurately depicted tall muscular Asian men and big breasted Asian women. To the rejoice of weeaboos everywhere, there's literally so much skin showing in this game that buying costumes is irrelevant.

There are two game modes: deathmatch and the usual DotA scenario. In deathmatch you have 12 minutes to brutally fist fuck each other to win. The cap is 300, but it's impossible to reach it anyway. In the normal DotA mode you do all the usual bits but instead of killing a building or a dude at the end of the lanes, you gotta kill both. First you destroy the headquarters, then you have to kill the commander which gets summoned after you fucked up his crib.

The game was developed by Danal (The-anal) Entertainment, there's no official website and the last update was in July 1, 2010. Clear to say this game is pretty much dead or dying. If you're into disproportional weirdos with weapons bigger than their body size, this crap is for you.

300px.

THE EYE OF SAURON IS BACK
Console kiddies now have another reason to kill themselves

Juan ring to rule them all.

Recently discovered fact that originality may be the source of cancer, game developers everywhere started producing "A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S." games like there's no tomorrow. Because the "A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S." machine keeps vomiting out hunks of shit every month or so, were forced to witness the never ending sodomy of everything and anything we may enjoy.

The newly added victim to this rape fest is the land of Middle-Earth. The existence of this game is proof that J. R. R. Tolkien has a reason to turn and do back flips in his grave. Monolith Productions are the geniuses behind original games like "Gotham City Impostors" and the successfully acclaimed "The Matrix Online". Developing a DotA clone requires enough room in your skull to produce a single synapse, thus we are facing a miracle. Monolith Productions are truly the messengers of God!

"Guardians of Middle-Earth" is the newly discovered tumor that will be worshiped by every drooling psychopath in love with Sauron. Now players have the opportunity to play in a top-down view with Ian McKellen, Hodor, Smiguel and Frodo's taint. Every hero from the books will be playable, but not Sean Bean, he's dead... he's always dead... he successfully got himself killed in both movies: "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" and "The Lord of the Rings: Game of Thrones".

Fletchers of Middle-earth was first released for the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360consoles on December 4, 2012, via the PlayStation Network and Xbox Live Arcade respectively. Why you may ask? Because why not.

Gallery

DotA comics n' stuff About missing Pics

You just don't understand!
HUEHUEHUE
Flawed character design.
You're gonna get raped.
It gets better ... eventually.

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Ganking in the jungle.
Never listen to your teammates, EVER.
Ice mages have their problems, too.
RUS?
How a DotA match usually goes.
DotA vs LoL
DotA vs LoL - 2
GOTTA GO FAST!
The normal reaction of a LoL player.
Void's diary.
R.I.P.
The evolution of GG.
XAXAXA!
Why would you want to play a competitive game?
Most plans backfire.
Get gud.
OH FUCK NO!!!
Rule34 strikes again
The (possibly) never-ending battle.
This is how it usually goes.
Broken hero abilites.
Broken hero abilities - Part deux.
The DotA community is lovely.
How to kill your friendships, DotA style!
Your team, their team.
LoL devs doing what they do best.
Wouldn't you tap that? Koreans would.
All fear the mighty azn Dracula.
Because azn video games just don't sell without underage pussy.
Case in point.
Smite doesn't judge personal tastes.
Why would Hindu religious folk get offended by this? It just doesn't make sense.