Reddit/Reddit Copypasta

Here is a collection of some of the more memorable copypasta posts that have sprung up on Reddit's default subreddits. Some of them have become legendary, while others are well-loved but fairly unknown. Read at your own risk.

/r/Anime

I strongly desire for my life to be an anime

I have vivid dreams all of the time about anime characters. I fall in love with characters in anime (literally). I much more enjoy the personalities. I'm speaking my mind when I say that I find the girls in animes personalities to be much more attractive than in real life.

I am kind of depressed sometimes because I desire so strongly for my life to be a fictional world. I'm not sure if this is leading me to a bad place, all I can say is that sometimes I have these great dreams that won't go away.

Last night I had a dream that I was in a group with two anime-friends, one named Shiori (name from date-a-live but looked like the red-head girl) and a taller, more beautiful version of the blue-haired girl that wasn't too smart but very cute. I was texting the red-head on my phone I was worried that the blue-hair hadn't talked for a few days and was wondering if she'd snap or something. We were in an alternate, kind of dangerous universe. I remember there was a bathroom I entered with ratings from other players? or something of the sort. For some reason and I kid you not... sometimes the shits would manifest themselves with teeth and jump at you or whatever, and two of the stalls were filled with shits, so I went in the stall with only one shit (and didn't flush beforehand...). We were striving though a game-like world where if you entered the cieling that was made of white cieling tiles, you could somehow die. But for some reason we found a dead end and conclused that somehow the maze creator found a way to simulate this and ended up taking the risk traveling through a cieling to get to our next area, which looked like an esophagus with lots of monsters at the end that I couldn't make out because they were blury but my brain assumed they were weak. We ended up deciding not to go on and went back to the "spawn area" of the world which was a bunch of desks and cabinets around. We could open a portal back to our town but we had to be careful because if anything followed us it could prove dangerous. I almost brought a blue pony back in my arms and shiori shut the door on me because she didn't want anything else to get through, i had to open it and step back into the world. I kept trying to read our text conversation but when I opened drawers in the spawn area I was afraid of something manifesting out of them so it was kind of scary. The world was like a downward tube.

Anyways, my dreams just seem awesome but sometimes make me sad. This is the first time in a while I haven't smoked pot for around four months except for a single day, so I've finally got my REM sleep back and have really been trying to remember my dreams the next day.

Life is just so plain, I work my ass off all the time and at the end of the day I'm still not satisfied with where I am at. I am going to start drawing because I hope that it will be a mind-relaxing experience that will allow me to draw some of my favorite characters eventually. Besides that I don't have too many hobbies. I'm going to join the anime club when I return to college in 5 weeks. I just don't know how to be happy without anime. I want to live-breathe it. I want an anime girlfriend ... idk. Like, I need to figure out what makes you guys tick, and how you guys find happiness. I just showed you my guts, so ...

/r/Atheism

The Great Escape - Homosexual, Saudi Arabian Edition

My life is miserable, and I cannot take it any more. Homosexuality, atheism, and apostasy are punishable by death here. Everywhere I look, I see blatant bigotry, inequality, homophobia, sexism, superstition, jihad-mongering, cruelty, and ignorance, things that would be over-the-top if it were elements in a post-apocalyptic movie. Imams calling for a holy war. Scholars stating that women are inferior to men. My father fondly recites anti-Semitic Hitler quotes. My mother constantly asks me to leave Facebook because it was founded by an atheist. My friends are anticipating the day when the caliphate system returns and Muslims rule the world. On Fridays, I listen to a lunatic rant and rave for half an hour, and then end his stellar performance by praying for the decimation of Jews and Americans. The worst is that during those events, I have to shut up and pretend to agree with the person. My life is absolutely unbearable; I will change it or end it, either one is better than my current condition.

I left Islam a little over a year and a half ago. I was discussing what the Libyan rebels did to Muammar Gaddafi with a friend. He, in trying to prove it was okay, mentioned stories of how Muhammad handled similar situations. One story was about how one of Muhammad's minions split an elderly woman if half by tying her legs to two camels and then sending them running in opposite directions. Mohammad did not disapprove of that and actually took the woman's beautiful daughter for himself.

That was the first time in my life that my morals collided with Islam. There was no escaping it, too, as the stories could not be dismissed as fabrications. I shivered in horror as I saw my whole worldview crumble in front of me, I was shaking off nineteen years' worth of indoctrination. I had been a Muslim for so long that it seemed like Islam could not be untrue. Eventually, I became an atheist, and shortly thereafter started coming to terms with my sexuality.

I have been pretending for a year and a half now that I am someone else, but I cannot keep it up without going insane. I am reaching my breaking point; the psychological toll this facade is taking on me is getting too huge. I am losing hope and thinking about suicide more with each passing moment. It is not that want to kill myself, I just see suicide as a last resort to escape my predicament. Last year, I applied to universities abroad, but to no avail. I tried to apply again recently but I found that most universities' deadlines have passed. I have lost all hope in the college option, which now leaves me with two options: emigration and asylum. Emigration is out of the question, since I cannot afford it and do not have a college degree. Getting my degree is also out of the question, I cannot spend three more years here and still have enough dedication to study. My depression and anxiety is already affecting my grades significantly. The only viable option that I can see is asylum. And since I have no one to turn to for help, I am asking you guys. Can anyone out there please help me out? What are the best (preferably English-speaking) countries in terms of their asylum laws? And is my situation enough to apply for asylum? I am fearing persecution (imprisonment, flogging, and death) from the government as a result of my religion and sexual orientation.

tl;dr gay atheist from Saudi Arabia looking for help to seek asylum

Walmart

So I was standing in a rather large line at my local Wal-Mart today behind a couple families that I know from when I went to church with my family in year younger. It was the only register open so there wasn't much of another option to get my 12 pack of Mountain Dew for a party I was heading to. I was wondering why the line was going nowhere when I decided to poke my head up front to see what the holdup was. It was a little old lady who didn't have enough for her groceries and she was trying to talk the cashier into letting her get away with being short. This struck me as odd until I found out she was a mere $0.21 short of her purchase. Now all these families were just staring and there was even two making fun of her. I walked up and handed my soda to the cashier, handed him a $5 and told her to keep the change. One of the middle aged women (I knew these people, so I also knew that they all make over 6 digits) grabbed her kid and yelled very loudly, "See that man? He's acting just like Jesus wants us to." For some reason this set me off, so I turned around. I haven't shaved in awhile so I'm rocking some nice scruff, a Slayer shirt, and gym shorts, so it must have been a nice sight. Very loudly, I said "Like Jesus? Ma'am I'm an atheist who makes minimum wage and I was the one who stepped up to help her? Your hypocritical Christianity is an inspiration to us all." As I stormed out, a couple of the cart boys started to whistle and cheer, soon shoppers joined in and even the cashier. I gave a wave and went off with a feeling of accomplishment.

The Great Escape

"So, yesterday morning, I drove to THEIR church for this retreat. The first several hours consisted of sitting around in an all-purpose room and doing silly activites and icebreakers. There were only about 15-20 people there (ages 16-50 probably), but try as I did, I could not connect with them. I pretended to be religious, but it seemed as though their religion was all that there was to these people. While I was having my lunch of Cool Ranch Doritos (the only good part of this whole thing!), it dawned on me that I can connect better to atheists because they (we :)) are deeper people. We don't have this crap religion to fill all the voids in our personality, so we make up for it with actual purpose and being interesting. I wiped the Cool Ranch crumbs out of my beard, and, for the first time in 20 years, felt happy at church because of this realization.

Right before the end of the retreat, we had one last activity. We passed around a big plastic ball, and whoever was holding it had to talk about what he/she learned at the retreat. People spewed all this bullshit about love and Jesus and strength, and eventually the ball made its way to me. I had tied my Geoxes tight in preparation for this moment. I stood up, gently pushed the ball away, and said, "I'm sorry, but I can no longer go on like this. I am an atheist -- a proud, intelligent, skeptical atheist. Sitting around here today and hearing all of the nonsense flow from each of your mouths has shown me that I need to start living the life I want to live. I can no longer live this charade. I am an atheist, and as much as you think you love this imaginary sky magician, your children or grandchildren will be atheists once logic reigns supreme and Christianity is wiped out. Thank you and good day, sirs."

Just as I was about to walk away, some big guy grabbed the ball and threw it right at my face. Hours and hours of MUGEN have honed my reflexes pretty well, so I was able to roll to the side and dodge the ball as flew into the kitchen doorway behind me. The woman next to me then reached out and clawed at my neck, but I spun as I was standing up and I think my ponytail whipped into her eyes because she fell back. I heard angry shouts and people coming after me as I ran into the kitchen. I saw the ball sitting on the floor and one of the stove burners still on. Knowing science, I grabbed the ball and put it on top of the burners, and as the angry mob of "good Christians" filled the kitchen, the ball popped with a gunshot-like noise long enough to daze them. I was a bit high on adrenaline at the moment, so I pumped my fist in the air and shouted "Science always wins!" before I ran out of the kitchen, into the hallway, and out the door to my car. I popped in a Megadeth CD and floored it (left some tiremarks in their parking lot) and here I am now, in a strip mall parking lot on my laptop.

I'm afraid of what I will face when I get home. A priest has probably already contacted my family. Everyone else in my family is a devout Christian, I guess you could call them fundies. My mom and sister will be mad, but it's my dad that will be the worst. I don't doubt that he will be violent. I'm watching kenjutsu videos as I write this and I am going to stop at the woods nearby to find a nice sturdy branch, so I think I will be able to defend myself when the need arises. I'm glad that I did this, but I fear I will no longer be welcome in my home. I plan on spending the night here and going home in the morning when he will be at his weakest so I can gather my things.

Thanks for listening to what was probably the most life-changing day of my life and sorry for any typos.

TL;DR: I came out as an atheist at a church retreat, only to be chased out by a violent horde and now I might not be able to return home."

Atheism Rap

Thank you. But when I read the title, I was hoping for a rap:

I'm an old-school atheist and I'm here to say,

As you flock to /r/atheism, I yell "Hooray!"

I've been doing this ish since before it was cool,

So let me take a quick moment to take y'all to school.

Disbelieving in god ain't always the easiest,

But those fundie mothafuckas is truly the sleaziest.

It ain't always easy, but it's definitely worth it,

Because /r/atheism, you're truly the shit.

Yo, if you believe in Islam

I'm here to tell you, sorry, you're wrong.

I know you think that Allah is the bomb,

But mostly you're deluded misogynist dongs.

And for all of you there who are my Christian bros,

Messin' with your 12-year old alter boy "hos,"

We're here to say your beliefs are whack

There ain't no god and your pope's a quack.

And finally, that brings me to my friends, the Jews.

Please don't think we forgot about you.

Don't believe that since you been around a little longer,

That your ideas on Yahweh ain't wronger.

World-wide floods? Partin seas? A talking bush?

Sounds like OG stoners been smoking the kush.

So the next time you're debating getting on your knees,

/R/atheism is here to beg you, please,

Try today, to just think for yourself.

It's good for the world, and it's good for your health.

Strong. Then Kill.

I hate those prisons. I truly hate them. I'm really sorry you had to go through what I went... I guess I'll share my story, and hopefuly I'll make some people realize that these camps are... more than evil. As a kid I really denied any form of authority. I often harrased teachers, and the idea of a great man in the sky ruling over me was not only ridicoulous to me, but also hazardous... I came out to my (extremist) parents at the age of 14. They cried, threatened me, did everything they could to turn me back into a robot... About 1 month after I came out, 3 men came into my house at night, and told me to stay quiet and walk with them. I tought it was a kidnapping, as most people who experience this... I walked into the van, and they explained themselelves. I was shocked and filled with hate, but I knew I shouldn't do anything, the van was small and I couldn't defend myself. My first day at that prison was horrible... everything I did was supervised, and also controlled. The only time I got some "privacy" was at night, 10 o'clock. After 1 week I just couldn't take the authority, and I was put in isolation. Two months. Two. ****ing. Months. After the first month I began hearing voices in my head, and after another week, the voices formed into a big, strong voice... I only had one conversation with it.

Voice : "Escape." Me : "How?" Voice : "Strong. Then Kill."

After the last sentence I never heard it again. But it was enough. I knew my goal. At the time I had about 100 lbs... I was skinny, I didn't have force... I was helpless. Every time I got out of isolation, I said "**** God.". All I did in isolation was exercise. I was so full of hate I didn't care about time... In there there was no natural light, just a little crack... I had no clock, so I would just look at the crack while exercising.. Everytime light started to get through the crack, meaning it was day, it was a great achievment. I felt.. great. Small things where all I had, so it was incredible... I exercised in there for 8 months... breaks of 20 minutes, exercises for 1 and a half. And repeat. Repeat. Repeat... After 8 months, I finnaly got out... everyone was so surprised I didn't shout "**** God.". For about 4 days I was heavily looked at by all the guards... that was the day I began the brainwashing. They thought the isolation broke me down. It only made me stronger. Everytime I entered the brainwashing room I would see a broken window. The room was on the first floor, so I could get out without too much damage. But I was... nowhere. Nowhere meaning a forest. I could run, of course, but how long would the forest last? I didn't know. Forest was freedom. Freedom is good. So I got to get in the forest. One day, instead of the 5 athletic guys that went with me to the room, there were only 2 janitors. I was so surprised... yet calm. I knew that was my day. As I was approaching the window, I felt some adrenaline going up my spine... I quickly headlocked one guy while kicking the other with one foot, and managed to pull a neck break on the headlocked guy.. I got ready, then jumped off the window. I fell, rolled, and managed to don't get hurt bad... I was running, running, running... I could hear some sounds, but I was so thrilled I didn't pay attention.. after about 4km running I finnaly stopped. I could feel freedom. It was... beautiful. I heard a "*! Watch how you're driving, man!". My instinct moved me, and I approaced a yellow car... "Please.. just.. let me come." The guy looked at me surprised, then told me to get in. After about half an hour, when I recovered, he asked me my story, but I was still afraid. What if he would get me to the cops? What if he was one of them? I didn't know. I just said "No time to explain. Where are you going?". He said Florida. I arrived in Florida at the age of 15. I'm 19 now, and I never spoke with my parents again, and will never do it. I truly hate them. But the experience made me realize how important free will is. .. aaaaand I grew *ing awesome muscles. Thanks for reading so far ! I means a lot to me that I can share my story... it hurts even now, after 4 years.

TL;DR : It took me 1 year to escape but, it takes you only 5 minutes to read.

EDIT : Thanks for all your support guys! It's been 4 years since I escaped, so I had plenty of time to rebuild my life, and to find a job. I work right now as a Pentester, Programmer and a skater, which is more than I could have achieved while I was with my parents Anyone here gonna share his story? I figured out we could make a little book out of them, and if we would really sue those prisons, every story counts!

Drawing God

There was a speech at my school, about career and life, no real mention of religion. Then out of the blue, he presented everyone with a task. "Draw God"

I sat there, when the guy picks me, out of a 50 people crowd, to draw God. He handed me a pen and an A4 paper. I replied almost immediately: "Here's your pen, I won't be needing that. And here's your God"...I gave him the paper back. An empty paper. A few people shouted abuse at me. One of my teachers was in shock. The guy speaking just said: "Mhm" I stood up for what I believe in. I didn't put my tail between my legs and walked away.

I was later challenged by a few people about that "incident", then I asked them to draw God. Surprise, surprise, no one really knew what to draw.

Bravery at the Funeral

It happened to me at my dad's funeral. He wasn't religious, but some woman he didn't even like got up and started singing some religious song. I jumped up and started raging at the entire place. I flipped my shit and started saying every cuss word I could think of. I raged for a while and stormed out. My dad was prominent in the community and there was a lot of people there all dressed up and I had on an old Subhumans tshirt. It was actually pretty awesome, I wish someone would have filmed it.

It did piss me off that he was misrepresented. The woman singing was the last straw. Several others had gotten all preachy and shit too.

Aalewis the Amateur Quote Maker

Just to be clear, I'm not a professional "quote maker". I'm just an atheist teenager who greatly values his intelligence and scientific fact over any silly fiction book written 3,500 years ago. This being said, I am open to any and all criticism.

"In this moment, I am euphoric. Not because of any phony god's blessing. But because, I am enlightened by my intelligence." - Aalewis

Eh?

/r/Pics

Nonsexual and Silly, Teehee!

Teehee! They're probably brother and sister or something, making it nonsexual and silly.

Once my sister came home from college and sneaked into my room to surprise me as I was fapping to a solo abbywinters scene and I heard her go "ooh she's cute!" As she placed her hand on my cock which immediately came from the shock/fight or flight response to being caught. She laughed so hard she had to chew on her t-shirt to avoid mom and dad coming in the room to see what was going on, then she put it in her hair and went "I'm Cameron Diaz!".

Musically Oblivious Hipster religiously sucks the butthole of Paul McCartney "The Beatles invented everything"

That is Paul fucking McCartney. Say what you will about him. Make fun of the way he looks - make fun of everything about him. Doesn't change the fact that he's Paul fucking McCartney and he was in the fucking Beatles. Without him, no Sergeant Pepper. Yeah John Lennon bla bla bla. I always liked Paul the least - he was just too...Paul. But goddamn it he's Paul fucking McCartney. He wrote "Here There and Everywhere" before John was even out of fucking bed. He wrote it waiting for John to wake up. It's easy to dismiss him now but in popular music (and by association popular culture) he's responsible - however indirectly in some cases - for EVERYTHING. Outside of mechanized music (I dunno - disco? Techno?) The Beatles invented everything (except of course the music that influenced them...duh) - everything that came after them. And Paul - let's face it - was the prime mover and shaker in that group. After '66 the others would have called it a day or SLOWED WAY DOWN. Paul kept the fire burning after John backed down - and after John - thanks to Yoko - started asserting himself again Paul did his best to channel that into the group. PAUL EFFING MCCARTNEY!!! YOU KIDS GET OFFA MY LAWN!!!

/r/AskReddit

Doritos

This actually happened to a lady who is a close family friend. At one point, she worked at a convalescent home; not just for old people either. It was for folks who were a little nuts and couldn't take care of themselves. One lady there has this disorder. She thinks EVERYTHING is food, as in she'd eat her dinner and then start trying to eat the napkins. As you can guess, she ended up morbidly obese. She was too fat for the showers, so they had to take her out back and hose her down like an elephant. Since she was so fat, she had a lot of rolls, and they couldn't get everywhere. Now, one day the family friend is making her rounds of the complex, and was stopped by this dude in a wheelchair. He mumbles something at her. "Bitch stole my Doritos..." "What?" "That fat lady stole my Doritos and SHE WON'T GIVE 'EM BACK!" "Okay, okay, calm down. I'll get your chips back for you." She goes into the fat lady's room. She's in their with the chips and nothing else. Buck naked, with her legs spread. There's this thick almost gelatinous discharge in the fat lady's vagina. And she's dipping the chips. And eating it. With that cheese drip on pizza stretch effect. She apparently had this big smile as it dripped down her chin.

The Jolly Rancher Story

Steve and his girlfriend Samantha went off to college in August. She went to Florida State, he went to Penn. So, she decides to fly to PA to visit him. He was really happy to see her so he decided to give her some oral action. He had done this numerous times before and he always enjoyed doing it...but for some reason, this time, she smelled really horrible, and she tasted even worse. He didn't want to offend her though because he hadn't seen her in months...so he put a Jolly Rancher in his mouth to cover it up, even though it didn't do much to help. In the course of eating her out, he accidentally pushed the candy inside of her... and stuck a finger in to grab it out. He took it out, and put it back into his mouth and bit it. Only...it wasn't the Jolly Rancher. It was a nodule of gonorrhea. As in, the blister-like structure that gonorrhea makes filled with diseased pus was the size of a fucking Jolly Rancher and the poor guy BIT it. I guess it was really dark in the room. He freaked out and started vomiting all over the place when it exploded in his mouth... He demanded to know what was going on, turns out she had cheated on him at a club like, the first week of college, and fucked some random guy and the stupid bitch had no clue what was wrong with her. She noticed a strange smell though. So now, Steve is freaking out that he now has gonorrhea of the mouth and God knows what else.

Warlizard's Debut

My ex-fiance' worked at a vet and her job included jacking off the dogs for the purpose of artificial insemination. I didn't realize that it was a labor of love until she mentioned her first orgasm came from a dog.

Yeah, turned out she REALLY liked dogs. I never looked at our dog the same way again. Oddly enough, she kept him when we broke up.

We were sitting on the couch one night watching TV when she blurted out that her first orgasm came from a dog. I didn't know what to say. On the one hand, WTF?, but on the other hand, this was a woman I'd asked to marry me. So I asked for clarification. She said she was 13 or 14 and was sitting naked in her room when her dog came up to her sniffing around. He started licking, it felt good so she let him keep doing it, then she came.

The Cumbox

Well, it is exactly what it sounds like. It's a shoebox, or at least once was, and whenever I masturbate I cum into it. I've had it for two or three years now I think, so it has a fair amount of cum. It smells atrocious, and I tried to burn it once. When I lit it on fire, it was too damp due to the cum that it simply sizzled and didn't manage to actually lite up. Turns out burning cum smells awful, so I had to spray it with a deodorant body spray just to get the old smell of burnt cum away. It also has some drenched papers stuck to it. That's pretty much it.

EDIT 2: A lot of people are asking me, why? Well, I'm apparently a rather disturbed individual. But, it just kind of happened, bought new shoes and needed someplace to cum, used the box. It just escalated from there, kept using it each time, telling myself I would throw it out soon. Never did, two or three years later, I still have it. It was planned or anything, it just happened.

EDIT 3: Fuck, this really exploded. ~20,000+ views of my cum box. Did not expect this.

Edit 4: I often get PMed about updates or current status of the box, generally a few a week. So I might as well update this post, if anyone even gets linked here anymore. Current status, I have created life. Mold has begun to grow in the box and has taken over a fair amount. Smells a bit worse, mainly due to a damper apartment so it does not dry as fast, hence the reason why the mold has begun.

I will never be rid of my need for it. I hate and love the box, just as I hate and love myself.

/r/Gaming

The Most Brilliant Teenager in the World

It should be noted that I've upvoted every single person who's disagreed with me here, as far as I know. That said.

In 7th grade, I took an SAT test without preparing for it at all, it was spur-of-the-moment, I knew about it about an hour ahead of time and didn't do any research or anything. I scored higher on it than the average person using it to apply for college in my area. An IQ test has shown me to be in the 99.9th percentile for IQ. This is the highest result the test I was given reaches; anything further and they'd consider it to be within the margin of error for that test.

My mother's boyfriend of 8 years is an aerospace engineer who graduated Virginia Tech. At the age of 15, I understand physics better than him, and I owe very little of it to him, as he would rarely give me a decent explanation of anything, just tell me that my ideas were wrong and become aggravated with me for not quite understanding thermodynamics. He's not particularly successful as an engineer, but I've met lots of other engineers who aren't as good as me at physics, so I'm guessing that's not just a result of him being bad at it. I'm also pretty good at engineering. I don't have a degree, and other than physics I don't have a better understanding of any aspect of engineering than any actual engineer, but I have lots of ingenuity for inventing new things. For example, I independently invented regenerative brakes before finding out what they were, and I was only seven or eight years old when I started inventing wireless electricity solutions (my first idea being to use a powerful infrared laser to transmit energy; admittedly not the best plan).

I have independently thought of basically every branch of philosophy I've come across. Every question of existentialism which I've seen discussed in SMBC or xkcd or Reddit or anywhere else, the thoughts haven't been new to me. Philosophy has pretty much gotten trivial for me; I've considered taking a philosophy course just to see how easy it is.

Psychology, I actually understand better than people with degrees. Unlike engineering, there's no aspect of psychology which I don't have a very good understanding of. I can debunk many of even Sigmund Freud's theories.

I'm a good enough writer that I'm writing a book and so far everybody who's read any of it has said it was really good and plausible to expect to have published. And that's not just, like, me and family members, that counts strangers on the Internet. I've heard zero negative appraisal of it so far; people have critiqued it, but not insulted it.

I don't know if that will suffice as evidence that I'm intelligent. I'm done with it, though, because I'd rather defend my maturity, since it's what you've spent the most time attacking. The following are some examples of my morals and ethical code.

I believe firmly that everybody deserves a future. If we were to capture Hitler at the end of WWII, I would be against executing him. In fact, if we had any way of rehabilitating him and knowing that he wasn't just faking it, I'd even support the concept of letting him go free. This is essentially because I think that whoever you are in the present is a separate entity from who you were in the past and who you are in the future, and while your present self should take responsibility for your past self's actions, it shouldn't be punished for them simply for the sake of punishment, especially if the present self regrets the actions of the past self and feels genuine guilt about them.

I don't believe in judgement of people based on their personal choices as long as those personal choices aren't harming others. I don't have any issue with any type of sexuality whatsoever (short of physically acting out necrophilia, pedophilia, or other acts which have a harmful affect on others - but I don't care what a person's fantasies consist of, as long as they recognize the difference between reality and fiction and can separate them). I don't have any issue with anybody over what type of music they listen to, or clothes they wear, etc. I know that's not really an impressive moral, but it's unfortunately rare; a great many people, especially those my age, are judgmental about these things. I love everyone, even people I hate. I wish my worst enemies good fortune and happiness. Rick Perry is a vile, piece of shit human being, deserving of zero respect, but I wish for him to change for the better and live the best life possible. I wish this for everyone.

I'm pretty much a pacifist. I've taken a broken nose without fighting back or seeking retribution, because the guy stopped punching after that. The only time I'll fight back is if 1) the person attacking me shows no signs of stopping and 2) if I don't attack, I'll come out worse than the other person will if I do. In other words, if fighting someone is going to end up being more harmful to them than just letting them go will be to me, I don't fight back. I've therefore never had a reason to fight back against anyone in anything serious, because my ability to take pain has so far made it so that I'm never in a situation where I'll be worse off after a fight. If I'm not going to get any hospitalizing injuries, I really don't care.

The only exception is if someone is going after my life. Even then, I'll do the minimum amount of harm to them that I possibly can in protecting myself. If someone points a gun at me and I can get out of it without harming them, I'd prefer to do that over killing them. I consider myself a feminist. I don't believe in enforced or uniform gender roles; they may happen naturally, but they should never be coerced into happening unnaturally. As in, the societal pressure for gender roles should really go, even if it'll turn out that the majority of relationships continue operating the same way of their own accord. I treat women with the same outlook I treat men, and never participate in the old Reddit "women are crazy" circlejerk, because there are multiple women out there and each have different personalities just like there are multiple men out there and each with different personalities. I don't think you do much of anything except scare off the awesome women out there by going on and on about the ones who aren't awesome.

That doesn't mean I look for places to victimize women, I just don't believe it's fair to make generalizations such as the one about women acting like everything's OK when it's really not (and that's a particularly harsh example, because all humans do that). I'm kind of tired of citing these examples and I'm guessing you're getting tired of reading them, if you've even made it this far. In closing, the people who know me in real life all respect me, as do a great many people in the Reddit brony community, where I spend most of my time and where I'm pretty known for being helpful around the community. A lot of people in my segment of the community are depressed or going through hard times, and I spend a lot of time giving advice and support to people there. Yesterday someone quoted a case of me doing this in a post asking everyone what their favorite motivational/inspirational quote was, and that comment was second to the top, so I guess other people agreed (though, granted, it was a pretty low-traffic post, only about a dozen competing comments). And, uh, I'm a pretty good moderator.

All that, and I think your behavior in this thread was totally assholish. So what do you think, now that you at least slightly know me?

White, Middle-Class Males: The True Oppressed Demographic

I am a middle class white male in America; I feel like I am in the position where everyone hates me. I am hated by the rich for being poor, hated by the poor for not being as poor, hated by feminists for being male, hated by racial extremists for being white, hated by white extremists for not hating other ethnic groups. It is tough out here. As far as power? No, not at all. I don't have any higher chance in my profession due to skin color (as a chef I likely have it worse off in fact), I have a tougher time paying for college than my non-white friends, I live in a diverse area so I don't feel like part of a majority or like some kind of greater being, and I don't really have any power at all. I feel sort of inferior and out of place as well. Morel of the story: Skin color doesn't actually mean shit, it sucks to be in any position because everyone outside of your position hates you.

/r/Politics

The Ultimate Redditor

I've been on benefits for the past 3 years. While I've tried a few ideas in that time, I've done nothing but buy expensive tech and travel around europe when I can afford (UK Citizen) I don't have any friends, don't want them. I play MMOs, RTS and other games. I also watch movies/learn programming languages, applications. In the 3 years i've been sat at home, I've learnt how to use the whole adobe suite effectively, with new content production every time being better. I know python, c++, php, js, html5. I have learnt German, Swedish and quite a bit of Latin. I write articles on websites (all for free). I browse reddit, watch porn... eat what I want, drink what I want. Multi monitor PC set up with $6000+ computer that i've built and upgraded over the years. Why? Because I hate the fucking system, I hate it. I am just left alone and work with what welfare I can. I am quite happy with my life based on all of that, I never compare my life to others which is a good start. However I don't buy into BS society gives. I don't watch broadcasted TV (only downloaded via torrents/usenet) I don't have stupid subscriptions or buy stupid products that have no use for me. To finish things off, I read a lot of data on the net, science and philosophy... in between reddit visits. I am known by many handles online, I like to stay incognito. Oh yeah, I have an amazing DSLR... I love photography and videography and on the travels I do take, I enjoy to snap/record. I go around locally taking snaps/video too and see what I can do with it. Again with the adobe suite knowledge I have (PS/Fireworks/Lightroom) for my images.

/r/Worldnews

On Circumcision

If my religion said I had to rape everyone I met, that would be okay then?

/r/ClopClop

Ponies Are Probably The Sexiest Things I've Ever Seen in My Life

You sound a little defensive, as if you're trying say you want to do it, but you're rationalizing it and saying it would be weird.

Like three months ago I would have said yes but now, I would still say yes but in a different way. I still would wan't to have sex with a pony, but not really a character, maybe Fluttershy, Octavia, Luna, Lyra, you know? But I really don't like mlp anymore so this answer is based on purely a sexual standpoint.

Ponies are probably the sexiest things I've ever seen in my life, not exactly the characters, just what they are, their legs, their eyes, their manes, their mouths, everything is perfect. I would totally have sex with them but I wouldn't want to live in Equestria or any of that bullshit. I would like to keep one but she probably wouldn't like it because she would have to hide and just hang out in my house.

A one night thing? Totally, anyone really. I don't like all of them but even if Rainbow Dash was my only option I would say yes. I don't know how they would translate in real life but there are plenty fan art pictures that show a good example.

I don't think I would be to comfortable with one around me because, I wouldn't know what to do? Do I feed it? Do I pay attention to it? I don't care what I do around my dog because he's a fucking dog, do I treat her like a human and talk to her? Back to my dog, what if he flips shit because there is a god damn flying pony in my house. I couldn't leave her alone because thats not fair at all, and she might fuck something up or answer the door and screw our deal up. I can't take her in public.

I would totally keep her forever but I don't think it would be a paradise, for her especially. Regardless of how I treat her she is basically a sex slave and that all well and good for a roleplay situation but it would be her life and she can't get away from it. At least I would have some information on her and know what to do a little bit. If she got into the hands of some hick across the street she is fucked.

Bottom line, I think I would be too selfish to pass it up but my life would be stressful as hell trying to figure out what to do with her afterwards. So many things would have to be accounted for and in the end, she wouldn't like it, and neither would you after awhile. I don't know if you would be taking her from "Equestria" of whatever or if she is just appearing and doesn't know how to talk or eat or fly or whatever, in that case, no I wouldn't do it, I'm not raising a god damn pony just so I can fuck it. Otherwise, yes, like I said I would be too selfish and I couldn't pass it up.

Now to how it would work, I don't know. I guess the act of sex would be pretty normal, shes basically a horse, just a lot cuter. If she spoke english and had a basic understanding of the situation and was reasonable to let me talk to her and explain how this is going to work, then it would be pretty fine. Although, other things like going outside, telling people, etc. would be hard to work out.

I would need a Celesta to check up on her and tell me what she eats and if she is sick she is pretty shit out of luck unless I can buy some OTC medication for her. I wouldn't have to worry about her being pregnant, right? I don't think she can get pregnant by a human.

Anyway, sure. But she would have to live up to the exceptions of a canon pony, like knowing basics like English, eating, walking, etc.

/r/mensrights

/pol/: For racists, kikes, and losers.

Okay. You want my confession? Here it is. Yes, I go on /pol/. Wanna know why? I first started going on 4chan in Grade 8 after I got my head put through a wall by Zac Rasmussen, the arrogant fuck. I had no friends, I had no social contact whatsoever. 4chan filled the void that being able to go an entire day without opening my mouth once had left in my brain. Reddit didn't exist at the time. On 4chan I developed an interest in /v/ - Video Games, /tg/ - Traditional Games, /sci/ - Science and Maths, /r9k/ - Robot9001, /k/ - Weapons and yes /new/ - News (which would later become /pol/ - Politically Incorrect) and recently /lgbt/ - Faggots. I'm glad that you feel so secure and loved by the people around you that you don't need to visit places like 4chan where you can wallow in self-pity. I'm glad that you're part of a community like Reddit where everyone is so well adjusted you don't ever feel the need to call someone a stupid degenerate fucking goy because they're being a total fucking retard. I'm glad that you can just downvote someone into oblivion when they say something you don't like and don't have to sit there and watch him and his friends all gather around and circle jerk about it. I'm glad that you're so fucking well adjusted that you don't feel the need to jump in and call that guy a cunt and a nigger and everything else you can think up. So I'm sorry I go on /pol/. I'm sorry if that offends you. I wish I didn't have to. I wish communities like this wouldn't throw people like me out because we're not nice enough and not civil enough. I'm sorry every second word out of my mouth is nigger and every third one is faggot. I'm sorry that the only people on the internet who want to talk to me are racists, kikes and losers. But I'm also sorry that you'll never be exposed to a community that's violent, acerbic and barbed and you'll never grow a skin thick enough to matter. I'm sorry that you'll never come to the realisation that ignoring things doesn't make them go away. I'm especially sorry that you'll never have the discussion that I did with a man who, despite being a convicted gay basher, has a wife and three kids that he loves very much that made me realise that as much as I disagree with him, and as strongly as I disagree with him, he's still a person who has his viewpoint for a reason and I need to engage with him regardless of his background or mine.

/r/news

Wendy's Chili: This is the Law of the Jungle

Let me explain.

The grill is hot. The burgers juicy, warm, seasoned with generic spices you won't even taste with the large glob of mayonnaise on the final product.

I'm make minimum wage. I don't give a fuck. I have enough patties cued for the foreseeable orders and plus one spare. I'm a high school freshman and just finished season 4 of breaking bad on netflix; I don't cook meth, I cook burgers, in fact I don't even know what meth looks like in real life. But now I want to do something cool, badass and science-y.

That spare burger, it's gonna get grilled. a. lot. My shift supervisor is in the office, he's on the phone with his wife talking about the balance of the food-stamps card. He hangs up. Dammit will he come over and check my grill temps? No. He pauses, leans back in his chair and stairs at the ceiling. He pops his head up and quickly sits forward while grabbing the phone. Buttons on the phone are smashed at break neck speed. I can't confirm who is but I know by the tone in his voice it's Veronica, she works day-time cashier and he supervises night. I don't know how they find time for their affair but they make it work. He's beating around the bush. Now he's doing it. He works into the conversation the rash on his dick. Should he be worried, he questions. A pause from his end. His forehead un-wrinkles in relief "You're right it's probably jock itch". They carry on. He can see me if he looks up through the office window but he's too occupied now. This is my chance.

I move the patty to it's own area on the grill. Separated from the herd. It lies motionless. Ready to embrace the torment that's to come. If it could tell me it's last words they would be "do your worse." I begin. The patty is small and I know my time is limited. I press the grill arm down, select the timer for larger patty, it will be quicker this way. The burger maker signals with her fingers to two doubles, in haste I fling them on the buns she has laid out. She looks at the grill farthest from her and the already cooked patties, says nothing and continues. Does she know what I'm up to? She might, I don't know, she doesn't speak our language, she hails from some third world country. She probably knows violence, maybe seen some genocide, maybe she did know what I was doing to the poor patty. It's helpless, defenseless as I mercilessly over grill it yet she said nothing and just carried on. That's the way things are patties no one's coming to your defense. That's the way of the jungle, patties on the bottoms of the food chain.

The timer comes up. The patty sizzles in it's own grease emitting a pop here and there. Defiant? I don't hesitate, another round. The grill arm goes down.

After the timer goes off the patty is revealed again. Lesser grease this time, it dripped into the grease trap. This patty has nothing left to give but I'm not done. I grill it again, again and again. I lose count. The patty is black and crisp.I'm satisfied with the results. It takes two spatulas to scrape it the off grill and was does come off does so in chunks. I toss it into the heat bin below the baked potatoes. It lies motionless with it's other perished brethren of the grill. Six more hours left today. There's more room in that bin.

I return the next day. The boss says we need chili made. I got this. I pull the overcooked patties out of the freezer, fill up the metal container with water and throw it on the specialty grill to boil. When it's time the meat is strained hosed off with the moveable sink nozzle. And who do I see? Our old friend. He is old. grizzled by his torture. Darker than my corporate supplied non-slip shoes. There is more to come. The meat is laid out in the prep area. I separate our old friend from the herd. He watches his mates as they ruthlessly minced into tiny little pieces. He's last, it does not end quickly.

An hour later I through all the meat into the chili crock. Ingredients are added. Chili is made.

At the end of my shift I take home a small cup of my work. I begin season 5 and enjoy my delicious chili. A crunch every few bites is my old friend saying hi. This is our way. This is the law of the Jungle.