Maryland

Maryland is a state of the United States of America, known for its crabs (this refers not to the ocean fare but to the sexual disease), its exquisite crustaceans, its minuscule size, and the copious amount of snow it receives. The state is also associated with liberals, Mexicans, and people better than you.

Geography

Maryland is approximately the size of a thimble, a remarkable feat given that half of America’s black population resides in Baltimore City, where people usually go to get shot in the face or eat crabs (or both). The state is divided into two parts: Baltimore, and Everywhere Else.

Maryland was initially shaped like a pretty flower, but Republican lawmakers thought it would be funny to make all of the liberals live in a state that looks like a gun.

The suburban and rural parts of Maryland are said to be quite nice in the summer. Due to the fact that the state’s roughly seven million people have been packed into a coastal territory that could easily fit inside of most shopping malls, 99.9% of Marylanders own beachfront property.

This makes for some awesome pool parties.

Unfortunately, the charm of these areas is largely lost in the winter, when Everywhere Else is buried for seven months under approximately forty feet of snow. Similarly, the coastlines that seem so pleasant in July become deadly in November, when Maryland communities are routinely devastated by “ice tsunamis.”

Until the state banned the death penalty in 2002 (they’re stupid Democrats, remember), a favorite method of execution was to simply open the front door of the courthouse and kick the convicted offender outside without a jacket.

Maryland’s women have adapted to the state’s Arctic wintertime temperatures by forgoing any form of shaving whatsoever from October to May.

Ironically, 86% of Maryland’s workers are employees of the Federal government, despite the fact that each and every citizen of the state loathes President Bush and are cousins to President Obama. The conundrum raised by this incongruous reality is resolved when we remember that these workers and the state as a whole are in fact part of a massive, clandestine secession plot.

History and Region

Residents of Everywhere Else think that Baltimorons are pussies because they only get 45 feet of snow a week.

Maryland used to be part of the South, a loving member of the Dixie family. Then one day in 1861, the Yankees drove over to Maryland’s house, slapped her in the face, and said, “Listen, bitch, you’re part of the Northeast now.” No, seriously, the reason Maryland didn't join the Confederacy is because Union troops got stationed there to prevent it from trying and also DC didn't want be be fucked by being surrounded by the enemy. Nowadays, Maryland likes to pretend that it was always a Northeast state.

Maryland resident Shaquanda Brown, a history student at the University of Maryland-College Park (which is where every young person in the state must go for higher education), said of the split, “It was long overdue. I mean, have you looked outside lately? There are snowdrifts up to the tenth floor. I don’t know who we thought we were kidding.”

Maryland’s regional confusion has been heightened by the fact that, while the state is clearly not Southern, the Northeast still thinks that it’s “kind of clingy” and complains that it “smells funny.” Even though Maryland desperately wishes to be a part of the Northeast, real Northeastern states from Connecticut to Maine (fuck NY, PA, NY and DE too, they're posers... they belong to the rust belt) consider Maryland to be a self-hating Southern state in denial because of its past and present cultural connections with the South. St. Mary's County, a tobacco-farming county that still uses black person, is a primary example of why Maryland will never truly be anything else than a fucktarded confused Southern state.

Liberals

Maryland is the second most liberal state in the country after Traitor-land (Massachusetts). Baltimore was to be renamed “Kerryville” in the event of a Democratic victory in the 2004 presidential election.

The four liberal counties recently elected Martin O'Malley as governor. O'Malley's major accomplishments include being in a band, sleeping with your girlfriend, raising the sales tax and letting Baltimore Gas & Electric fuck its customers.

Mason-Dixon Line

This is the obligatory reference to the Mason-Dixon Line that, by law, must be mentioned in any piece about Maryland despite the fact that the border no longer has any relevance at all as a cultural dividing point.