Russian Army

The Russian Army - Dying in Droves For Mother Russia

Russian soldiers taking a break with PPSh-41s

Warning! The Russian Army is a big crowd of russkies with AK-47s and vodka. Since WWII Russia realy had not won in wars, but according to Russian Patriots RUSSIAN ARMY IS THE GREATEST ORGANISATION ON THE EARTH AND EVERYBODY ARE AFRAID RUSSIA!!!

History

The Russian army has a long history. It was created at least 100 years ago by a bunch of sub-human filth.

When Peter I became the first Russian czar, the Army developed the revolutionary concept of not being completely inept. Combining this with the innovative strategy of exhausting the enemy munitions with frontal assaults, the Russians managed to eventually defeat Sweden, a country with vastly inferior resources that had nevertheless humiliated the Motherland for years.

In 1812, Napoleon attacked Russia. Failing to take into account the fact that the Tsar literally did not give a fuck how much of Russia burned, his troops resorted to politely asking the nearby villagers for any supplies they could possibly part with. After only taking what they needed and leaving plenty for the good people of Russia, who had nothing to do with the insane ambitions of a towering Froggy, the French Army proceeded to peacefully march home. There was plenty to eat for everyone.

In the 20th century there was consumption of vodka, and brief periods of unconsciousness between further consumption of vodka.

Russian soldier doing his job

The Russian Army is now better-armed and worse-trained than ever before. The Ruskies make certain to practice firing drills every day regardless of how staggeringly drunk they invariably are. This has had remarkable effects on their readiness.

Structure

Russian tanks is so fearsome...

History of the Russian Army

Chronicle of the Russian Army

Early History

Of course Colin Powell disapproves of the Russian Army! He's too busy looking for WMDs in Iraq!

The history of the Russian Army can be traced back to 911 AD, when Oleg captured Tsarsgrad, now known as Istanbul. In order to understand this, it's important to know that Russians are the result of mixing the Rus race, with the Slavic race. The Russes have about as much in common with the Normans, as French with English, but Norman herstorians will tell you otherwise. Of course they also think they're supreme, while the rest of the historians laugh their asses off at the Normans. Around 850 AD, Slavs and Russes began fucking en mass, and produced a race - Russians. Twelver years later, they founded a city - Novgorod, or New City. Today, the oldest city in Russia is still called New City. Western herstorians think that Russians are doing this to confuse them, but Russians are simply too lazy to change that city's name, and are also too proud of their laziness. It was awfully cold in Novgorod. So the Russians headed downstream, to Kiev, which they had no trouble capturing. Then Oleg raised an army of roughly 100,000 men, and headed to Tsarsgrad. Easily outmanuevering the geeks, err Greeks, Oleg took the city, and the Greeks begged for mercy. Oleg became an army leader not because he was "of noble birth", but beacause he was a damn good leada. Then came St. Olga. She didn't really do much for the military, but she designed the best taxation system that Russia's ever had. You appoint a woman as a ruler, and your country's money is well managed. Go figure. Maybe Putin and Medvedev should try that. And no Americunts, Clinton does not qualify as a woman. Anyways, back to Russia. Olga's son, Sviatoslav, was also quite good. He was so cocky, that he sent his enemies telegrams "I am coming to beat the living shit out of you" and then proceeded to do so. He kept on winning, until he forgot the importance of reinforcements. And then he lost. His death started a period of numerous infighting amongst the various Russian princes, ensuring that the Russian Army was never out of practice. The Russians had great rulers that united them, every once in a while, such as St. Vladimir, Yaroslav the Wise, Mstislav the Able, Vladimir Monomachus. But overall, the Russians just kept on fighting with each other. Then came the Mongols. Using the fact that the Russians were weak and infighting, the Mongols skillfully avoided big Russian armies, but managed to slaughter a small army of under 5,000 men at Kalka. The Mongols claimed that as a great victory, and danced, inventing the horse-dancing techniques. The Mongols proceeded to attempt to conquer all of Russia, but only got two-thirds of it. Meanwhile the Western Europeans, sensing that Russia was weak, decided to try and attack it. They got their butts kicked, twice by Alexander Nevsky. And yet the Mongols were annoying the Russians. See, when it was Russians slaughtering Russians, that was ok, but when the Mongols were doing it - that was oppression. And so the Russians bonded, under Dmitry Donskoy, and under Ivan the Great, (that's the one that came before Ivan the Terrible,) to beat the living shit out of the Mongols, and did it. Later the Mongols were blamed for the infighting between the Russian Princes by clueless Russian historians.

Imperial History

Ivan the Great proceeded to expand Russia. As did Ivan the Terrible, though he ended up just zerg rushing a bunch of Lithuanians,Poles and other people nobody cares about. The Russian Tsars were getting extremely butthurt. After the assassination of Alexander the Liberator, the Russian Tsars began losing more and more respect. With Alexander the III being repressive, and Nicolas the II being retarded, a revolution was in the making. Ignoring the revolutionary threat at home, Tsar Nicolas the II sent the Russian Imperial Army against Germany. Meanwhile, the Revolution materialized, and the inept government of Nicolas the II collapsed, with the Tsar being executed.

Birth of the Red Army aka Rebirth of the Real Russian Army

The Red Army was born in the flames of warfare, and didn't have time for theory.They ended up just pwning large amounts of their citizenry under Stalin. In the 80's they attempted to invade and "modernize" the Islamic shithole that was is Afghanistan and managed to fade out of relevancy by 1991

The Mordern Era

Then came Gorbachev, who managed to destroyed what was built with decades of blood in five short years. The Red/Russian Army was sent to Chechnya, but was forced to withdraw by Alcoholic Yeltsin, right after they destroyed the Chechen Army, and were about to secure Groznyy, Chechnya's capital. The Wahhabists quickly took over Chechnya, and used it to invade Dagestan, to build a "Caucasus Emirate" within Russia. Having had enough bullshit, Colonel Putin suggested that Yeltsin retire couped Yeltsin, and dispatched an army to Dagestan to pwn Wahhabists. Dagestanis were also not too happy to see Wahhabists, the whole "let's assraep our women" and "give all of our money to man wearing robe" thing wasn't quite appealing, for some reason. Together, the Russians and Dagestanis pwned the Wahhabists, and even Chechens joined the fun! It was a great time, unless you're a Wahhabists. Then you're the prey - so you get treated like you treat your women. How's it feel? Realizing that while the USSR fell apart the Red/Russian Army escaped intact, Putin decided to put it to good use, and kick the Wahhabists out of Chechnya. It took a few years, but the mission was actually accomplished. Instead of standing under "Mission Accomplished" banners, Putin gave out apartments to the men who fought, thus ensuring the army's support for Comrade Colonel Putin. Just as the Russian Army was finishing up her reforms, Saakashvili decided to test it out. To say that his army of wannabes and mercenaries was assraeped, is an understatement. Not even the mass media spin artists could somehow argue that it was a Russian defeat, although they tried arguing that the loss of 3 pilots and one T-22 crew, (that's 7 total,) was a massive Russian tragedy. The Russians were laughing their asses off, saying "that's it?"

See Also

UVB-76

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