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Whale Wars

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What do you get when you cross whale-starved savages with ocean-faring eco-terrorists? A recipe for lulz, that's what. It takes a truly talented troll to coax a bunch of stoned-out hippies into throwing flash grenades at peaceful, slightly hungry researchers. Or if you want to watch it live, just sneak on down to Curves and hope that two stupid cows on their periods walk in.

MAN THE HARPOONS!
MAN THE HARPOONS!
Fuck you, gook, stop eating whales!!
It's research.
File:Japan whaling.jpg
Yup, still red.
File:Waterslide.jpg
Who doesn't like a waterslide?

The story thus far

While whaling is Japan's favorite pastime, (followed closely by bukkake and kamikaze training), it is a practice pretty much lost on the rest of the world. Last Thursday, the Australian government asked Japan to stop whaling in Australian waters and gb2 killing endangered species in their own back yard. Several national ads and tv shows expressed their distaste for Japanese yum-yums.

Previous Video | Next Video

Being a teeny-tiny bit sensitive to criticism, Japanese YouTubers and their sympathizers proceeded to hurl every bizarre insult at Australia that they could think of - in hilariously broken English - through the medium of YouTube comments and tl;dr videos.

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Boats

Greenpeace only seems to use boats that were once whaling ships or seal clubber transport vessels. They convert them for fitting in every environmentally friendly appliance possible, then set out, belching diesel fumes into the air. On some occasions the ships have done more harm than good, with Greenpeace members throwing chemicals off the sides of ships, and accidentally ramming coral reefs. This is because no qualified Captain will work for them, and they can only get illigal Polish immigrants to sign up these days.

This is a list of ships in the Greenpeace Navy.

  • Rainbow Warrior STATUS: Destroyed FRAGS: 1
Pictured Left: Gone,
but admired fondly by faggots everywhere.
  • Rainbow Warrior II STATUS: In Use
  • MV Artic Sunrise STATUS: In Use
  • MV Esperanza STATUS: In use
  • Argus STATUS: Unknown
  • Moby Dick STATUS: Unknown
  • MV Greenpeace STATUS: Decommissioned
-- Now a Museum Ship
  • Ady Gil STATUS: Destroyed
-- sea below.

Ady Gil

 
No, I'm Batman.
File:Paulwatson.gif
Moar liek Paul Fatson, amirite?

Enter the Ady Gil, the aquatic version of your neighborhood watch. Initially known as the Earthrace and made for breaking the record for circumnavigating the globe, it was re-purposed as the wet-dream of über-nerd and fatso, Cap'n Paul Watson.


Bulletproof? Can you say 'unsinkable'?
 
SeaOrg anyone?

"Captain" Paul Watson is a Canadian best known for being so bat-shit insane that he was actually kicked out of Greenpeace. He's also not a captain of anything, and a fat vegan to boot. As with most people who bestow themselves with honorific titles, he's into cosplay, as evidenced by the home-made patches on his Old Navy pea coat. He also loves an audience and can't stop talking when the tape is rolling. Here are some of his best bon mots.

   
“ 		 
There's nothing wrong with being a terrorist, as long as you win. Then you write the history.
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
People are the AIDS of the Earth
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
..earthworms are far more valuable than people.
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
If you don’t know an answer, a fact, a statistic, then ... make it up on the spot.
  		„
  		 

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Shonan Maru

The Shonan Maru and it's sister ship 2 (inventive) are the security vessels and harpoon ships for the Japanese whaling fleet. Er, research team. On January 6, 2010, the Shonan Maru 2 pwnt the Ady Gil by driving like typical Asians, e.g., right over its fucking bow. A kiwi cameraman on board broke some ribs, probably from laughing too hard as the Batboat sunk to the bottom of the Antarctic Ocean.

Previous Video | Next Video

One month later, the Bob Barker was rammed by the Yushin Maru 3, creating a 3-foot long, 4-inch deep gash in the mid starboard side of the Sea Shepherd vessel above the waterline. While the Japanese supporters claimed this as a victory, their win was short-lived; the Yushin Maru 3 was Mexican-grade lazy in the water.

In a fit of further lulz, the Japanese crews came up with the great idea of using jet-pack-propelled pepper spray guns. At sea. During high winds. El oh el.


Gives new meaning to the word blowback.

The Volunteers

The viewer is quick to realize that the majority of the cast is completely retarded. This makes sense, as the only people who would volunteer for this mission are the people you don't want. For lulz, count the amount of times teams enter the rafts and neglect to use the radio or satphone and end up getting lost. Watching this show is like watching your grandparents trying to use Facebook.

See Also

External Links

 

Whale Wars is part of a series on

Television

Visit the Television Portal for complete coverage.

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