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New Mexico
New Mexico (aka Good Mexico) is a nuclear dumping ground located somewhere between Failafornia and Texass. There is absolutely nothing there except for Albuquerque, Injuns, Beaners, and an occasional alien or two. People call it New Mexico because all the uranium in the ground makes it shine like a new penny, and because OLD Mexico didn't want it anymore.
History
At least 100 years ago some Spaniards who thought Mexico wasn't hot and dry enough got lost and accidentally discovered New Mexico. Failing to find the lost city of gold, they promptly enslaved the local Indians (feather, not dot) due to their lack of lulz, but then Chief Popé pissed on their tortillas, went "NO U," and began a party of rape and plunder affectionately dubbed the "Pueblo Revolt." The good times would be short-lived however as Manifest Destiny ultimately permabanned the Injuns to their present-day status of casinos and side-of-the-road trinket shops. The steady influx of redneck Americunts led to a boom in meth, retirement communities, and of course the Scilon bunker with the weird crop circles which does not exist somewhere beyond the mountains in the North, and there is also not a town in the South that worships Xenu.
In recent times, New Mexico has been zerg rushed by Old Mexicans who claim to have "hecho le para los lulz." The show Breaking Bad has made New Mexico famous for another shitty reason; Meth labs and crazy ass hillbillies. After the recent murder of a homeless man, New Mexico was once again brought to international attention, adding another negative (albeit true) stereotype - Bloodthirsty Killer cops. Statistically speaking, Albuquerque cops rack up the highest kill count out of all Police departments in the entirety of the United States.
Sometime in 2014, a 13 year old boy named Mason Campbell decided it was a good idea to steal his parent's gun, saw it off, and sneak it into his school in a guitar case. He then pulled it out, fired it at the ceiling randomly, then out of nowhere, shot some random girl instead of the bullies who fucked with him. To further add insult to injury, the dumbass used birdshot shells that do a lot less damage than normal which ensured the victim easily survived. He then got tackled and shackled because he was too much of a pussy to an hero. He will now spend his life in custody until he is 21 years of age. New Mexico sucks so much that it can't even produce any decent mass murderers, unlike it's vastly superior neighbor to the north.
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tl;dr - There was nothing good then, there is nothing good now.
Outstanding Policemen
"New" Mexico is known for harboring some of the greatest, morally and socially outstanding policemen in the entire nation! These brave men and women have been internationally renowned for their training and focusing on peacekeeping, de-escalation, and non-aggression tactics, as can be seen in two incidents that occured in the mid 2010s.
New Mexico Today
Being one of the few states not horribly effected by the recent recession, either because you can't bailout a ship that's been sinking for decades, or because there are enough resources to be semi-sufficient in surviving without the rest of Dumbfuckistan, their neighbors continue to see a need to troll by raising the cost of living by doing asshole things like driving into the state. Literally, just passing over the border costs the state somewhere along $54 a person, and that's not including them coming to blow their wad at Indian casinos and STILL buying up land and vacation homes for their privileged, oil-rich selves.
If the insult wasn't the injury, Comcast and Qwest, in their ever-loving wisdom and h8 of places with no money, have decided to make the state's internets power level nil. Polar bears in Alaska and nigra on stolen computers in Atlantis can access their Facebook friends faster than a speeding Kenyan, but the desert must continue to suck on Comcast's digital dick waiting over 9000 hours for their Demonoid files to work from the New Mexico State University servers.
On the subject of state colleges, they BOTH SUCK. Fortunately they have voted out almost everyone from the Administration and a few even had to pay their money back to the schools. Most American students are already dirt-poor in general, but New Mexico takes it to the hole with their major loans consisting of the state lottery, Pell grants, FAFSA, FEMA, etc. If not for Terminator: Salvation, or any other movie needing a desert scene, being forced to use local students, the local burlesque shows bringing in some meager wads of lucre to community and state colleges, and also a huge rise in medical studies on new doomsday virii, the only things that would be left to fund would be football from two failure teams and the open-close political speeches of yester-year.
There was also another nationally-known hooker-killing spree: [1] [2]It's even a great time to test new technology, After all, it's not like they're going anywhere, lulz
New Mexico is was also notorious for former Governor Bill Richardson's desperate attempts to make the state technologically and economically relevant; usually this involves throwing money at companies with retardedly optimistic business plans. The companies, notably Eclipse Aviation and Tesla Motors, eventually die or pack up and leave without having sold enough products to make up for the ridiculous tax breaks the state gave them to set up shop there in the first place.
State-funded attempts to bring 1950s technology (the commuter train between Albuquerque and the capital goes about 50mph and nobody rides it except for teenagers and old people) to the state are just as financially disastrous, except that since they use tax money they can continue to lose millions for the state for as long as the government cares to keep them running.
Typical Women of New Mexico
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Good Things About New Mexico
- It's not Old Mexico
- The Atom Bomb
- Cheap as fuck real-estate.
- Most of the beaners are not illegal.
- Can drive alone at fucking 15 and a half.
- Can drive fucking fast, and extremely well, at all times of the day and night.
- All the Boy Scouts go to Boy Scout Mountain or Elephant Butte during the Summer so noone has to put up with their faggotry.
- It doesn't rain, period.
- Pick up a nice homeless girl then drop her off in any shallow grave as you see fit.
Bad Things About New Mexico
- Radiation
- Too many injuns.
- Too many beaners.
- Too many fags.
- Too many hippies.
- Too many Rednecks.
- Arid as fuck.
- It's either 110 degrees in the summer or below freezing in the winter.
- Everything is dead.
- Everyone is either Catholic or Mormon.
- New Mexico has the 2nd Highest Suicide rate in the nation, and for good reason.
Not enough niggers to whip the shit out of, but that's not suggesting you should try in Hobbs or a certain scary street of the ABQThat's good, nigger.- Not enough Asians to do your homework for you, thus bringing down the average. Worst still, the Yellows in the state are mostly in the Triad.
- For the people who live there, they have to put up with Boy Scouts in the Summer. Some lulz gained when the fat shits wearing $300 "hiking" boots and carrying $500 in survival gear get lost.
- Almost as fail as Kansas for being LANDLOCKED and still having hurricanes and tornadoes turning most of the state into Atlantis (See for yourself).
- It's basically Texas with less stuff.
Settlements of New Mexico
Despite being the 5th largest state, New Mexico is the 6th least densely populated. Much like in the game Fallout, you will find the majority of New Mexico to be inhospitable wasteland; only a few dozen areas are populated. Even then, these pathetic experiments of nuclear survival offer little entertainment, few job opportunities, barren, rough landscape, and savage locals, all accumulating together to institute New Mexico as the 2nd most suicidal state, unsurprisingly surpassed only by Alaska .
- Albuquerque: expensive as hell to live in despite being full of assholes and a massive crime rate; so pretty much Denver. The C.O.P.S. TV series is banned from filming there because they always ran out of film. Has an excellent mixture of music scenes which comes in three flavors: Hardcore punk "gangs" wanting to beat the shit out of each other for no reason; Indie-ass thrust-fund Hipsters choking on the dick of Nob Hill while waiting for some nameless poker-face of an artist to come through town; and finally, Hip-Hop retarded minorities (White being the biggest) riding around town with ridiculous bass speakers and walking up and down Central like the scum of the Earth they usually are between bars and the paid parking spot they left their ugly Scion in. People from the rest of the state flock here looking for acceptance and a decent college/job, but end up being welfare problems, homeless, or a selfish prick.
- Artesia: houses an oil refinery that makes most of the surrounding area stink of shit and rotten eggs, and the only giant pr0n shop for at least 100 miles. Then again, it's pretty much the only settlement in a 100 mile radius as it's located in the middle of FUCKING NOWHERE! The population has been pretty much the same since the 60's, because there's nothing to motivate growth in this shithole small town.
- Aztec: another obscure oil town near Farmington, consisting of welfare whores, trailer trash and roughneck scumbags, with nothing to do but abuse meth and Xbox 360. Unsurprisingly, the graduation rate is only 42%. All the good places to go like the Maiden and Chrome, Herb Shop, and the Aztec UFO Festival are gone, just like the rest of downtown, so there's no reason to live in this town anymore. On the upside, Colorado is only a 30 mile drive north, and you do realize what they made legal, right? There's also the Aztec Ruins, but it gets boring after 3 minutes. Good job traveling 500 miles into the middle of nowhere, you sorry ass tourists.
- Belen: shitty small town 33 miles south of Albuquerque. Run-down, with broken houses and a high crime rate, even having Drug Cartel influence; the population is 80% Hispanic, with what remains being white people who are either trailer trash youth or retired WW2 veterans. Is it a coincidence that there's so much crime? Belen wasn't always as bad as it is now; a decade ago there was still some development, even 3,000 more people! But the mexicunt methhead morons in charge wouldn't let the town grow. Now, it's practically a ghost town; average Real Estate is now under $80,000!
- Bloomfield: town south of Aztec filled with richer roughnecks currently experiencing a slight economic boom. Also features ruins from at least 100 years ago.
- Carlsbad: built around a giant hole in the ground atop mountains that are going to cave in (lol pun) one day. And yet, they have all the fun shit like a functional skate-park and nice stores, thanks to community funds and federal tourism. If you can't make the 3-4 hours to Albuquerque and live in the South/Southeast area, this is usually your Plan B.
- Clovis: a bustling community in the east, known for its distinctive aroma. Has an airforce base that almost got closed down, but the people living there said "NO U" to the thought of becoming Roswell 2.0, and begged Massa Bush not to kill their livelihood.
- Cuba: shitty impoverished village at the edge of a fierce mountain range, in the middle of the road from Farmington to Albuquerque. Since the mid 2000s, has been growing at a brief pace.
- Farmington: a small city near the Four Corners area that is fully supportive of gay rights, black people, pre-maritial sex, Satanism, being a furry, or whatever else your heart desires. This open attitude towards humanity is in no short thanks to their traditional Mormon values and the hard work of the community to support all sexes, creeds, and ways of life. Farmington consists solely of redneck scumbags and land-whale Navajo savages. The only jobs in the area are in the Oil fields or Trucking, and because of it's location near the Mormon Corridor to noone's surprise, Farmington is 85% republican. This is probably the worst place to live in the entire state, if not the nation.
- Hobbs: nigra EVERYWHERE, oh lawd! Has a lot of pools for people who obviously can't swim. Also may have more Mexicans than Mexico; probably more Mexicans than Nigras.
- Las Cruces: has the biggest concentration of posers and white-hat wearing fans of Asteroth and date-raep in the state. The college is also one of the hardest to both pass and get into, so it makes no sense. Its chief exports are herpes, future teen mommies, and abortions. Oh, and Warped Tour once a year, but that's basically the same thing.
- Los Alamos: a town at the southern end of the rocky mountains that has been a scientific research haven for over 70 years. One of the few places in New Mexico where there's a lot of whites and smart people. Only place in NM with good schools.
- Los Lunas: A rapidly growing suburban town a dozen miles south of Albuquerque. Unlike Belen, this town didn't screw over businesses with massive taxes and high rent, so the town's population has tripled in the span of a generation.
- Rio Rancho: where the white people go before the Sun sets in Albuquerque. Well, that is of course barring one of their two giant dirt roads hasn't been washed out by rain, snow, wind, shit, etc, in which case someone's gonna get raped.
- Roswell: when in Roswell, be prepared to ask the locals some probing questions like "Have you ever seen lights in the sky?" and "Do you know where Area 51 is?" They'll often direct you towards the worst parts of town where you can get knifed by wetbacks when asking about aliens. Of course, this was before becoming dirt poor with the air-base being closed down and turning into one giant conspiracy-generating tourist trap. Conversely, this was also the only place you could buy beer on a Sunday outside of a bar, as the city is under dry-county laws. This was almost 40 years ago, and not much has changed, except now there's a Super-Walmart.
- Santa Fe: the state capital and only shred of artistic faggotry for miles and miles AND MILES. It is New Mexico's answer to San Francisco, due to the oversaturation of hippies and flaming faggot degenerates polluting the city with their smug faggotry. Loretto Chapel houses the IRL Stairway to Heaven, although visitors are discouraged from setting foot due to its alleged structural instability as well as the table-flipping entrance fee. Should you be fortunate enough to ascend its spiral elegance, however, you shall indeed come face-to-face with the Almighty in an epic crash of century-old spruce wood. Srsly, do it.
Famous New Mexicans
- Bill Gates Spent some of his life in Albuquerque and formed Microsoft there.
- Demi Moore
- John Denver
- Good old Rummy (not the kind famous among Injuns, mind you)
- The jiggaboo that hosts Pimp My Ride lived here before moving to the Fifth Circle of Hell
- Reverend Jacob K. Reist, a pedo Scilon-supporting asshat who still writes dead letters and fanfics about how Anti-Anon he is.
- Jew Mexican Bill Richardson, who tried/failed in the running for Democrats to some spade and skeezer, even despite the fact he worked for Hillary's puppet with a penis, and has literally done more for the country than either, not that it had any effect on his state's budget at all. Technically illegal, but his mom was shipped over the border to have him by his rich, white father, so it's a toss-up. He recently got his ass handed to him by the voters due to the overabundance of beaner Mexicans, shortcomings with North Korea, overall corruption, and a chronic shortage of weed to deal with all of it.
- Parts of oldfag bands like the broken-up At the Drive-In (mostly the gay parts that are in Sparta now) and The Shins.
- Conversely, shitty Crunkcore bands like BrokeNCYDE, named after the condoms their fuck-buddy parents bought being a seriously bad batch. Thankfully, they only spawned them - it's MySpace and Canada that made them popular. Be sure to thank your local 16-year-old Canadian girl someday.
- Asian hackers constantly doing everything in their power to steal what few secrets American scientists have ever since they dropped the ball at White Sands.
- SkyNet, lulz; the semi-win series "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles" and the new "Terminator: Salvation" is/was filmed here. While on the subject, yes, the Christian Bale tape was made here. Also included in making this shitty state even moar poor - In Plain Sight, the Transformers movies, parts of the original Hulk movie, most desert scenes for vidja gaems involving a desert use parts of the state for reference. And, of course, UFOs and robots are made here first. Again, this has never once affected the state's economy, what, with all the tax-breaks and hiring scale labor from the state's community colleges.
- Elizabeth Lambert, "World's dirtiest soccer player." Punched out over 9000 BYU soccer players and only received 1 yellow card.
- Dramasetter, an EQ2 player who robbed a Check N' Go
- D-malice, an unfunny former EDiot who would get severe butthurt anytime someone other than him made revisions to this article.
- Noone else matters
See Also
- BrokeNCYDE
- Nothing
- Nevada - NM with half of the vegetation and three times as many whores
- Colorado - NM with more greenery and actual white people
- Arizona - NM to an extreme
- Utah - NM with Mormons
- Mexico
Anti-lulzMass-graveyard of whores is kind of Lulz- New Mexico's leading attraction
| Featured article January 24 & 25, 2016 | ||
| Preceded by Cotton Ceiling |
New Mexico | Succeeded by TheRalphRetort |
