Columbine

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The Columbine High School Massacre (Still a better love story than Twilight) was basically the funniest thing that has ever happened in any high school, evar. On April 20th 1999, in Littleton Colorado, American an heroes Eric Harris and Dylan Yassenoff Klebold^✡ got over a dozen frags IRL at their local high school. Originally, they planned on blowing up the cafeteria during lunch time, but their propane bombs failed and they ended up rushing into the school, killing people left and right before turning their guns on themselves and becoming an heroes. Their total kill count was 13, an unimpressive score given how they were using sub-machine guns in the pistol round, and were elevated to "WORST PEOPLE OF 1999" posthumously, for the most violent school shooting spree in American history.

Columbine is part of a series on Columbine

[All jocks stand up!NBK]

The two heroes pictures here

Oh Jay and Silent Bob! Up to another hair brained scheme!

They had been planning for a looooooooooooooong time.

The one on the left was clearly "the brains" of this operation.

Evidence of third shooter?

Now available in stores for PS1; $42.099!

More like Lolumbine amirite?

The heroes of Columbine. (but are the books alright?)

lol

Was actually believed to cause Lolumbine with his satanic heavy angry emo-death metol witchcraft music

They held this title for nearly a decade before a gook killed over 30 people at Virginia Tech in 2007, although Eric and Dylan still hold the high score for high school shooting, in America, that is. German residents Tim Kretschmer and Robert Steinhauser racked up 15 and 16 frags, respectively, at their local High Sk00lz.

In the weeks, months and years following their killing spree, massive witchhunts were held as trolls, goths, musicians (Marilyn Manson, Eminem), movies (Natural Born Killers, The Matrix), television shows, and anyone not amongst the exclusive ranks of The beautiful people were rounded up and taken to prison camps as the need to scapegoat anyone for the crimes led to America being whipped up into a frenzy of anti-lulz, in the biggest moral panic in decades.

Despite happening a generation ago, the massacre still continues to inspire numerous Columbine Copycats to this very day. Like they stated in their manifesto, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold continue to inspire paranoia, fear, copycats, and more terror upon the American populace, 17+ years after they died.

History

On April 20th (coincidentally Hitler's birthday) Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold forgot to take their prozac and engaged in final fap sessions while listening to "The Beautiful People," shut the lights off of all reality, got in their cars, skipped homeroom and were late to school (started the day off h4rdc0rE). They arrived, hit the "start button," selected characters, ReB and v0dKa, and decided to go on a killing spree on Level 1 of H4rr15 Levels after spending an entire year planning it out. (They fapped over this for a year and some months) building bombs, buying guns, making movies and writing stories declaring their plans while KMFDM played in the background, and even practicing their killing spree on various first-person shooter games. However they phailed hard because on their $5 per hour pay they could only afford shit tier guns and not the TACTICOOL DEAGLEs or P90s that they fapped over.

Eric's guns:-

• Hi-point 995 carbine - a cheap, ugly, piece-of-shit 9mm carbine with crappy poor quality 10 round magazines. The media at the time liked to refer to this gun as an 'assault rifle' even though it had been specifically designed to comply with the 'assault weapons ban' put in place in 1994 supposedly to stop things like this from happening. Real assault rifles (which are capable of selecting between semi and fully-automatic or burst fire) are not readily available to the general public anyway. TL;DR: Epic gun control fail.

• Savage-Springfield 67H sawed-off shotgun - Pump action 12 gauge that no one's ever heard of that was over 30 years old. Stock completely sawed-off and barrel sawed-off to make the whole gun an illegally short 26 inches long (the length Eric wished his dick was). This gun became Eric's imaginary girlfriend which he called 'Arlene' and had sex with a number of times in an attempt to fill the shotgun cartridges with his AIDS infected semen to make it moar deadly.

Dylan's guns:-

• Intratec TEC-DC9 pistol - The other craptastic 9mm used. A poorly made, cheap, jam-o-matic made to look like a machine pistol to appeal to niggers and spics for use in drive by's. Early models could be illegally converted to full-auto which, again, the media had a shit fit about even though the gun used was a later model which could not be converted. Not that they needed to worry as these two retards' ineptitude in engineering (as can be seen with the crappy non-exploding bombs they made) would probably mean that any attempt to convert it would just result in it exploding in their face the next time they tried to fire it.

• Stevens 311D sawed-off shotgun - Generic 12 gauge double barreled shotgun like any other.

In addition to this, the two faggots carried a number of knives that they didn't use, along with a number of IEDs of various sizes and designs that they built using instructions from the internet to blow up the school, but ultimately failed when the vast majority of them didn't assplode. These include:

• 42 carbon dioxide bombs
• 27 pipe bombs
• 11 1.5 gallon propane bombs
• 7 Molotov cocktails (seriously how do you fuck up a Molotov cocktail?)
• 2 20 pound propane bombs

Graded Score

Graded score
Kill count:	13/20
Accuracy:	10/20
Style:	20/20 manipulation, bomb collection, trenchcoat, macabre flair
Butthurt:	20/20 Creating a moral panic, inspiring generations of copy-cats
Bonus:	20/20 OG Shooters
Total score: 83/100 (B)

Invest more skillpoints in Explosives next time. See full ranking

Wanted Level:
___________________

___________________

Federal Bureau of Investigation

Scapegoats

Eric and Dylan apparently had a lot of love and fanboyism towards Marylin Manson and his music according to Old Media. An irony, since in reality, Eric hated that fag and Dylan only had a poster of the band but rarely listened to it. Manson took part of the blame because angry parents mistakenly believed that the two fags were obsessed his music. They also hated Hitler, or at least Klebold did. Harris meanwhile admired both Hitler AND Osama Bin Ladin, with Harris regularly IMing Osama and telling him all about the various mass murder schemes that Harris dreamed up at night while masturbating to crime scene photos he downloaded off of the internet. Most notably, Harris is the one who gave Osama the idea of flying planes into buildings, making Eric Harris the REAL man behind 9/11. Even more interesting was that he was a Jew. In addition, Klebold was born on 9/11, 1981; 20 years before WTC. No, srsly. Coincidence?

Afterwards, EVERYONE who loved to censor society felt the need to blame just about everything in pop culture as the cause of the killing spree, such as Eminem, Doom, and even Goths, despite the killers hating goth culture and rap music. Others tried to blame the Victim, by bringing up the fact that Columbine High School was a literal hell on Earth, where a violent Jockocracy, ruled by the worst of the worst of the school's student athletes, had complete and total control of the school. This was only further worsened by the school's asskissing teachers/administrators who allowed bullying to run rampant, and were just asking for their students to take up arms and literally take the school back in violent revolution taken straight out of the history books tales of the American Revolution.

Of course, at the time it was unknown that Eric Harris was a complete and total sociopath who would have grown up to be a serial killer or the guy in special forces who goes insane in the field killing Iraqis, and has to be put down by his fellow soldiers. Or that his lover, Dylan Klebold, was a closet homosexual who let Eric fuck him in the ass and face and followed him with his plot, with Eric manipulating Dylan's emo-ness and submissive nature.

TL;DR:

In Littleton, Colorado born and raised
Making pipebombs was where I spent most of my days
Luvoxin' out Doomin' KMFDMin' all gay
And all settin' some time bombs outside of the school
When a couple of jocks
Who were up to no good
Started making fun of the way I dressed
I shot 18 kids and the cops got scared,
They said "You're movin' with Ted Bundy and Jeff Dahmer in prison!"

I called for the cops and when they came near
The license plate said jocks and it had footballs in the mirror
If anything I can say this car was rare
But I thought "Now forget it" - "Yo ReB, to the commons!"

I pulled up to the school about 10 or 11
And I yelled to the cops "Natural Selection"
I looked at my high school
I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the Prince of Counter-Strike irl.

Columbine was ruled for years as the deadliest School Shooting evar, until it was surpassed by the Virginia Tech massacre in 2007. Of course, Virginia Tech is a college (and was committed by an Asian), so some argue that Columbine is still number one even though it took two people to kill 13, and even then, centered around a bunch of bombs that weren't built right and didn't fucking go off. Harris and Klebold were clearly trolling after killing ten people; Cho was trying too hard.

Controversy

Some argue that Eric and Dylan were lovers and that Jews did Columbine or that Dylan just fell mugu to Eric's plan. What is funny about this though, is the fact that Dylan and Eric were actually part of a Jewish power movement bent on exterminating non-Jews, causing much lulz to people smart enough to research lolumbine. The fact that Klebold was born on September 11th, 1981, and his fag friend 'Reb' wanted to hijack a plane and crash it into the World Trade Center is enough evidence to support this hypothesis. This also made the gods of irony cum instantly upon hearing the "Friends of Rachael Club" say that Eric and Dylan were "Hitler worshipers".

In one of their videos called "Hitmen for Hire" (having previously featured a member of staff from the school), the boys proclaim themselves to be the white knights of those abused at the school by the jock shitheads, suggesting they would be targeting specific cliques for eradication. When the day finally arrived and the shooting began, it appears the ultra surge of orgasmic, delirium-inducing adrenaline pulsing through their minds took over, and they began shooting randomly, indicating a potential epic fail with regards to the mission objective - the boys did not have the bomb. They did, however, have an example of why terrorists should test DIY bombs prior to putting them into service when using The Anarchist Cookbook as a primary reference material. The selection of a indiscriminate killing weapon (Propane tank bomb) forms a second disparity with the viewpoints from their white knight videos.

Rachael Scott

NOOBZ PWND.

Rachael Scott was some stupid cunt who made the mistake of eating outside the front door of Columbine High School the day of the pwnage. She caught a few dozen rounds in the ass and tits and died. This caused many Christfag family members to instantly bawwww over the loss of their little girl (also known as Missing white woman syndrome). They then decided to market her. They said that "she envisioned changing the world" and that in her bullet ridden notebook she drew a picture of a plant crying "9 tears". Those "9 tears" were apparently a psychic vision made by the dead bitch.

Friends of Rachael Club

So the hillbilly fucks started a group/way to profit off from the death of a family member, called the "friends of Rachael club". Basically, they troll the hallways of high schools asking people to be nice to random wapanese and animefags and asking for donations. Only fat losers, cunts with no boy friends, furries, and dykes are in the friends of Rachael club. To sell the groups image they had a random hick they paid in moonshine say he was Rachael’s uncle, and that Eric and Dylan were Nazis . When he said this, schools everywhere then shat bricks and exclaimed in the genius fashion that only high schoolers can achieve, "HITLER IS BAD!!!1ONEONEONE" Many other students then responded by closing the pool and forming 8 man swastigets.

tl;dr Rachael got owned and family is butthurt.

I'm Not Ashamed

17 years after Columbine, the family STILL tries to profit off the death of their daughter; this time, they've contracted a team to make a movie about the dead bitch. The only ones to give good reviews are typically religious nuts. There are some reports that numerous Columbiners went to see this movie whilst wearing a trenchcoat.

Cassie Bernall

Urban legend has it that one of their victims, a girl named Cassie, was reading a Bible in study hall when the two stormed in and started trolling IRL. The less socially awkward boy noticed this and allegedly asked her, "Do you believe in god?" to which she answered "yes" and was beaten to death with a crowbar. IRL none of this actually happened, as he simply shot her since she was cowering like a bitch. The last person to see her alive said that her last words were "Dear God. Dear God. Why is this happening? I just want to go home," one of the whiniest things heard by man, so the shooter was obligated to shoot her. Her parents have since milked the story to make lots of money as neither of them have a conscience. She has since become an hero to the cult of Christianity.

People try to use Cassie's death as a way to prove the so-called oppression of the Christians in today's society, forgetting the rest of the godless heathens who were shot up that day. PROTIP: They all fucking deserved it.

Until, of course, you point out to them that no one asked Cassie a goddamned thing and that the question was really directed at another girl, Valeen Schnurr (who lived through the massacre, but didn't get the credit due to her incredibly stupid-sounding name). Survivors are nowhere near as marketable as corpses.

JO MAMMA!

Eric Harris, when he wasn't building bombs or fucking his boyfriend or dreaming up new ways to kill people over IRC with Osama Bin Ladin, had a number of webpages, where he pioneered the anti-joke, mirrored here.

Prime selections:

JO mamma's kitchen lights are SO bright that you can see grease, dust, or any other bad thing in need of seeing.....JJJEEAAAA!!!!!!!!!

JO mamma sees so many stray dogs in her neighborhood that she talks the humans society a lot.....JJJEAAAAA

Jo mamma likes cheesecake so much that she make a pretty good one herself!....whenever she wants!......one......JEEEYAAAAA!!!

Jo mamma has said the word carrot so many times, that she is very good at pronouncing it! JEEEEYAAAAA!!!''

Insults done by REB, VoDkA, and KiBBz (a friend of theirs IRL).

Badass.

OMG there's an RPG!!!

Released on the anniversary of the Columbine Massacre in 2005, Super Columbine Massacre RPG was an instant internet success, causing epic levels of butthurt and win. The game can be found here.

Moar info: Super Columbine Massacre RPG.

Fun Ways to Troll Columbine Survivors

Go ahead. It's as easy as 1-2-3!

• 1.) Look up the Columbine survivors (their names are listed all over the net)
• 2.) Log onto Facebook
• 3.) Type one of the survivor's names in the Facebook search bar
• 4.) If you find that one of the supposed-survivor's has an existing account, make sure it is the exact person
• 5.) Send them a message explaining how "sorry" you are for their experience
• ???) Wait for a genuine reply
• PROFIT!) After they have replied, send them a link to this page :)

BONUS ROUND!!1 - If they reply to you (and don't block and ghost you) take screencaps of it and put them below this sentence!

Videos

Victim's Dad feeds the trolls Columbine:Reloaded (UNFINISHED TEST) Pokemon remix Columbine Documentary Another one ColumBob ERIC HARRIS STRIKES BACK Lost Basement Tapes recovered Columbine Ref's in Eminem's Music Columbine Doom .wad Previous Video | Next Video

The Basement Tapes

So far only 2 out of 5 tapes were officially released to the public, the other 3 are claimed to be destroyed because of fear of potential copycat violence in teenaged white kids.

Hitmen For Hire - tape 01

Shooting Range - tape 02

Gallery

For a comprehensive gallery, please refer to Columbine Gallery. Please keep only the best pictures below. Otherwise, put your pictures on the Columbine Gallery page.

Columbine Cartography About missing Pics

• 
  School sucks!!!
• 
  Hitman for hire.
• 
  Definitive proof video games cause violence
• 
  The musical.
• 
  COMMIT MASS MURDER!
• 
  GTA:Littleton
• 
  School Raider
• 
  We are from teh intarwebz.

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

• 
  As a Yugioh card
• 
  Impressive fanart, made on shrooms
• 
  Hitman: Silent Assassin.
• 
  Columbine: GO
• 
  WASTED
• 
  Jaguars WTF guy
• 
  $420.99
• 
  What are you doing to my sister's bike?!
• 
  Columbine in a nutshell
• 
  Gay secret that made them kill
• 
  NBK
• 
  Legacy of Columbine
• 
  Columbine High School, 2016
• 
  A jock with a white hat
• 
  Crosses for the victims. All 15 of them.
• 
  Class of 1999
• 
  Diary of a Wimpy Kid
• 
  Army of Two
• 
  The true culprit!
• 
  Radioactive Clothing.

See Also

Influenced by:

• Charles Manson - Wrote an essay about him
• Timothy McVeigh - Wanted to surpass him but failed

Inspired to follow their lead:

• Columbine Copycats - For a detailed list, please check out this page.

• Ryan Schallenberger - Tried to copy columbine, but failed at it.
• Cho Seung-Hui of the Virginia Tech shootings massacre - Mentions their names in his manifesto.
• Adam Lanza - Was obsessed with columbine before his shooting spree.
• TJ Lane - Wore a "KILLER" T-shirt to mimic the "WRATH" and "Natural Selection" T-shirts worn by them.
• Pekka-Eric Auvinen - Plagiarized their dairies in his manifesto.
• Jeff Weise - Trenchcoat, same music, liked Columbine-based movies, nazi-philia, shooting threat on 4/20, and also asked people if they believed in god.
• Chris Harper-Mercer - Like weise, also copycatted the "Do you believe in god" line.
• Kimveer Gill - Fanboi autist of Reb & VoDKa who managed to only rack up 1 single kill.
• Alex Hribal - Claimed to have been possessed by the spirits of Reb & VoD and forced to carry out an attack.
• Lindsay Kantha Souvannarath - Along with 2 other fags, attempted to copycat columbine but got arrested b4 the plan kicked off.
• Lynn Ann - The most dedicated fangirl in lolumbiner history.

Other

• Super Columbine Massacre RPG - Game inspired by the incident
• School Shooter: North American Tour 2012 - Another game inspired by the incident
• Defense Industries Organization
• Dillon Cossey
• Matthew Murray
• Mark Essex
• Murder
• Suicide
• ZDaemon
• Natural Selection (game)

External Links

Play At Home Versions

Try for the high score with these games!

• Eric's Doom WADs (said to be srsly lame but bloody) and some Quake stuff (only the readmes thar, awww, noes!)
• Super Columbine massacre RPG: The Disclaimer says this game is intended to deepen the understanding of the shooting and its possible causes but we know this game was actually made for the LULZ!
• Columbine Reinactment Mod - Got GMOD? Load this into the game and go apeshit!

Info Pages

• Amazon supports this Exploitation site - Site has some good media, a lot of whining, and more disinformation.
• The most comprehensive video gallery relating to lolumbine yet!
• An incredible detailed page on the whole thing from start to finish with a detailed timeline, reports, evidence, and media. Seriously, this woman has way too much free time.
• LOL fanbois
• Proof Jews did Columbine
• First and best movie treatment so far.
• AMA from a Lolumbine Student
• AMA from Brooks Brown, former BFF of Dylan IRL

Columbine is part of a series on Columbine

[All jocks stand up!NBK]

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Columbine is part of a series on Gun Control

	Columbine is part of a series on An Heroes
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Featured article April 20, 2009
Preceded by Manhunt	Columbine	Succeeded by Manhunt