Mumsnet

Mumsnet is a Britcentric discussion forum literally teeming with militant feminazi man-hating lesbians.

The MN logo. The fact that it's a "amusing" rip-off of 70s TV crapola "Charlie's Angels" gives you some idea of the average age of the shrivelled cunts possessed by the site's users

As such, it is therefore fruit right ripe for the plucking by any brave warrior who dare venture therein.

The name is a relic of pre-equality legislation times, when only dykes who had accidentally sprogged were allowed to participate, swapping tips about the best way to bring up their children to be homosexual (once they had finished abusing them because they were too old).

However, these days the site reluctantly has to allow (GASP!) men to participate. And they do not at all discriminate against the few male posters by banning them disproportionately. Oh, no, no way.

The demented harpies that mill aimlessly around spoiling for a passive-aggressive bitchfest or a spot of "Keeping up with the Joneses" are such ardent troll hunters that the forum actually has a "No troll-hunting" policy. Needless to say, this is ignored whenever the moderators have a blob on or are otherwise distracted (perhaps by the thought of dressing up dollies or somesuch).

However, this supposed strength is their greatest weakness and offers the irresistible challenge of applying Sun-Tzu's maxim about the best victory being attained without fighting, by trolling without being seen to troll by anyone except the person you're talking to, in order to provoke a troll-hunting reaction from them so that you can report them to the moderators.

They proudly refer to themselves as "The Nest Of Vipers", when they are in reality nothing but a bunch of gossipy concerned mothers with not enough housework to keep them occupied, the poor, deluded fluffy-headed darlings.

The moderators (who think in Web 0.1 terms), on the other hand, would like to think that MN is like this when it's more often like this.

This paradox remains unresolved.

A Freudian writes: "The self-applied label of "Nest of vipers" is a clear totem of female empowerment, referring as it does to the snaky locks of the dreaded Medusa, the ancient patriarchal world's personification of the Vagina Dentata."

Key features

• A shit one-off webcrossing type model that doesn't allow you to preview, edit or delete your posts. Think twice before you press that button. The slightest slip might betray you.

• A private message system by which you can stealth troll, sending bitchy comments about other posters and generally swaying the easily-impressionable female mind with poisonous doubts about their online 'friends'.

• A shit list of acronyms that takes at least 100 years to figure out. DD is "Darling Daughter" for instance, "DSD" is "Darling Step-Daughter", etc. (If in doubt, make up your own and refuse to explain what they mean or even refer to them ever again).

"Am I Being Unreasonable?"

Yes, YABU

Otherwise known as "AIBU", this is the folder in which the action is to be found. There is nothing that wimminz like better than a chance to bitch and rage and generally have a tantrum at complete strangers, safe behind their computer screen. If you enter this folder, you are asking for it.

Trolling methods

Anything that exploits the wimminz natural deficiencies. They refer to "multi-tasking". We men call the opposite "concentration." Their "brains" are not up to focussing on anything for very long, and so they can easily be thrown into confusion by any technique that subverts their expectations. Needless to say, they have a very limited repertoire of stock responses and a good troll will pre-empt these and thereby render them ridiculous.

Examples:

• Start an AIBU thread with a completely outrageous scenario and a completely pathetic (fictional) reaction, then ask "AIBU?". The womyn will be all like "You need to grow a pair!" etc. Act as though you haven't heard them, and just keep reiterating the same scenario from different angles. See how long you can keep them going.

• Start a thread with a vague premise, then "drip-feed" further info as the thread develops. "Drip-feeding" drives them into paroxysms of rage. Apologise for drip-feeding. Then continue to drip-feed. (Extra points if you can manage to completely change the essence of your initial post every few "drips").

• Pick someone who is BU or isn't BU, and then either defend them to the hilt or attack them without mercy.

• Start an outrageously boastful thread (such as: "My gardener refuses to climb my Banyan Tree to prune its upper foliage, because he thinks that a 30 foot ladder might not reach the top of the conservatory. I say that I pay him £300 an hour to perform and he should get on with it. AIBU?"). "Drip-feed" further details of your extravagant lifestyle. This will draw forth accusations of "stealth boasting" from the assorted green-eyed monsters who are stuck in their shitty council semis with five squalling fucktrophies to feed out of £27 a week benefits. Once you have their attention, proceed to do the same every other time you post on any thread at all.

• Post "LTB!" ("Leave the bastard!") in any relationship-related thread. You don't need to explain why, because the other poster will leap in to explain why she shouldn't LTB, and you can take it from there. This works especially well if you can twist the "bastard's" totally reasonable behaviour so that it seems hugely passive-aggressive (e.g., "He brought you flowers? LTB! He's trying to bribe his way into your bed!")

Charlie himself is having a beer in front of the TV while the chicks do all the work. This demonstrates Mumsnet's unconscious submission to the partriarchy

• Post "Call the police!" if anyone is having any problem whatsoever. Fuse blown on your kettle? Pigeons using your birdbath? Vending machine swallowed your change? Fear not: The police are on hand 24/7 to help YOU! Seriously -- Mumsnetters are so utterly retarded that (a) They think this is genuinely useful advice and (b) They will actually do it. Award yourself extra points if the resulting call ends up being published in one of those newspaper round-ups of unbelievably fuckwitted 999 calls.

• If any even faintly unusual behaviour is described, perform an instant e-diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Viewed through the mumsnet groupthink prism, if you are not completely normal then you have either or both of these conditions. Come out with some waffly bullshit by way of explanation/analysis. They don't know what they're talking about either.

• Despite it being the supposed domain of stand-up comedians from the 1960s and 70s, threads about Mothers-in-Law (MILs) always produce a roiling cauldron of pent-up fury and hatred. Mumsnetters, however, are not self-aware enough to realise that they are unconsciously competing with their partner's mother for the attention of the partner. Such psychodramas usually take on frighteningly symbolic proportions, which you can then analyse.

• If it's not MILs then it's "Toxic Parents". The growing field of "misery lit" has inspired everyone and her sister to think that their perfectly normal self-doubt and fear while growing up was in fact a terribly abusive childhood and only now that they are fat, fifty and frustrated do Mumsnetters realise that it was their parents' fault all along. Phew! No risk of having to do any, you know, taking responsibility or anything like that! Such monstrous parents (nearly always mothers, for some strange reason) are nearly always e-diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (and referred to as "Narcs") at the slightest excuse. OTOH, there are some truly lulzworthy tales of child abuse to be had and raw and tender emotions to be played with by the sadistic stealth troller.

The moar you lurk, the subtler your powers to cause dismay and disarray will become.

"Infinite lives" poke

Pretend to be a woman-hating man. Hell, actually be a woman-hating man. Despite their fancied prowess at troll-hunting, there is no stupid behaviour on God's green Earth that these harridans will think too ridiculous for a man to exhibit. Faced with prima facie trolling they simply fail to recognise it. This demonstrates yet again, if proof be need be, that woman is simply not fit to take on responsibility in a man's world.

Bonus score method

Start a meme that ends up in the UK's national press.

This is money for old wank, as literally half the journalists in Britain lurk on mumsnet waiting to smash and grab a promising in-joke before flogging it to death in print the next day.

This is because MN has 10,000,000 visitors and 60,000,000 page views per month and so it counts as a sort of local news service for the internet -- and everyone likes to read about themselves and their acquaintances, right?

Examples include the pathetically unfunny "Penis beaker" saga in which one poster claimed her DH washed his wanger in said receptacle after marital ghastliness.

This notion might amuse an easily-distracted retard for up to ten seconds, but it kept mumsnet busy for a week and ended up filling page leads in several national papers -- see here, here, here and here oh and obviously including the Daily Mail (here), with which Mumsnet has a co-dependent love/hate relationship.

The very real possibility exists that the entire debacle was a trolling exercise by a journalist looking for a story, that was unexpectedly successful. In view of the widespread press coverage it garnered, the further possibility exists that more than half the users who posted on that thread were other journalists who thought they had spotted an IRL story.

Mega super ultra bonus score

"Who ordered the pepperoni?"

11 August 2015 was a day that will live in infamy. Within the space of a few hours, Mumsnet was DoS-ed, haxxed, phished, and Swatted by a legendary team called "DadSecurity". Mumsnet founder Justine Roberts lamented: "Our servers were bombarded with requests, which required our internet service provider to massively increase server capacity to cope. We were able to restore the site at 10am on Wednesday 12 August. " During the raep, Mumsnet received about 17,000 requests per second (normally 50 - 100 p/s). Ms Roberts added: "Later on 12 August, it became apparent that someone/ones had hacked into some of Mumsnet's administrative functions, at which point they were able to redirect our homepage to the @DadSecurity Twitter profile page, as well as to edit posts from two users' account (sic) and an MNHQ account on our forums."

And there's more. In the early hours of 11 August a Police SWAT team burst into the luxurious Islington home that Justine Roberts shares with Jew husband Ian Katz, the police explaining later that this was "following a report that a man had murdered a woman at the address," shortly followed by "a second call during which the caller stated he had members of his family held in a room." Sadly, Mr and Mrs Katz were both on holiday at the time.

But Mrs Katz couldn't resist bigging it up some more, claiming that no, someone from Mumsnet really had ttlly srsly been Swatted for real. She said that the second case occurred after a Mumsnet user had received a tweet saying "prepare to be swatted" alongside a picture of a Swat team. When the police arrived, she added, they initially handcuffed the husband. Mrs Katz said: "The [hoax] report had said they had heard gunshots and identified a man as shooting in the house. It's incredibly disturbing and not surprising that that user and her family were very upset."

The Mumsnet user has never been identified and the police have never commented on this claim. Which means it's bullshit and exactly the sort of violation-fantasy that the attention-whoring Jewess Mrs Katz, like so many of her kind, cannot resist indulging in.

A smörgåsbord of retardery

Sample Mumsnet threads to whet your palate.

Typical MN user in its natural habitat

• More than one poster admits to thinking that tigers are female lions (Archived: 1 2)
• "I own a pushchair, in which I propel my precious child along busy pavements at frankly irresponsible speeds. AIBU to expect crowds to part before me like the Red Sea before a latter-day Moses?" (Archived: 1 2)
• "I was in a café when some parents with babies almost sat down next to me. Some hours later, I am still seething with indignation so intense that I feel I must ask in all honesty: AIBU?" (Archived: 1 2)
• "Ha, ha, ha, oh my fellow womyn, come laugh at the various muddle-headed things we have done (but it is our unspoken understanding that if a man had pointed them out, we would descend upon him like vengeful furies)" -- Includes a wumman who absent-mindedly talks to her bicycle thinking it's a horse -- because of course, a horse would understand you perfectly (Archived: 1 2)
• Sister-in-law goes apeshit after noticing breach of her unwritten dress code in someone else's photos of her wedding ... which took place three years ago (Archived: 1 2)
• "I tried to emotionally blackmail and then humiliate someone travelling on a half-empty train into moving to another seat entirely so that I could have two seats all to myself so that I could breastfeed my precious child in private in public, even though that's an obvious contradiction, and despite my supposed shyness I escalated a simple Y/N exchange into a full-on drama by getting the train's guard involved too, until finally the man gave up and relinquished his seat and oh the injustice the guard said he could upgrade to the First Class carriage for free. I am starting this thread in AIBU in the vague hope of some ego-stroking and post-facto vindication from my fellow sisters in the face of this all-pervasive misogyny and male oppression. AIBU?" - She had just come back from changing the baby's nappy in the carriage's lockable toilet cubicle (Archived: 1 2)
• "My three-year-old was at another child's party where he won a game of 'Musical Bumps' and was awarded a small bag of Haribo by another parent who did not ask me for permission to do so. I then lied to my child by telling him I would save the sweets for him till later and tried to take the sweets off him so I could secretly dispose of them, because I do not give my children sweets at all, ever. However, he cried so much I had to give them back to him. Surely what the other parent did is a form of child abuse?" (Archived: 1)
• "My Parents-in-law have zero sense of personal boundaries and behave in the most inappropriate way. They were therefore my obvious first choice to act as free babysitters 24/7 while my husband and I fucked off for a long dirty weekend. When I got back I found that they had cut my children's hair. I feel almost raped. AIBU?" (Archived: 1)
• "I am a proud non-sexist womyn and I went out on a restaurant date, where we spent £55 between us. When paying up time arrived, he paid more than half of it. I was shocked because I think he should have offered to pay for everything, even though obviously I would have refused to let him had he done so. AIBU?" (Archived: 1)
• "Your violent daughter kicked your son in the balls? Well, it was his fault, it doesn't matter anyway and you're probably a paedophile." (Archived: 1)
• "My daughter has hair that comes down almost to her waist, and it became entangled in the buttons on a new Monsoon dress. Monsoon tell me that I am the only person on the planet who has this complaint. I believe I am entitled to compensation because they probably didn't test the dress on a child with very long hair. AIBU?" (Archived: 1)
• "I am perfectly happy with my partner and have been for some years. He doesn't want to get married. I do. When I pestered him on the subject, he said he will only marry me if I drop four dress sizes. Despite the fact that this is obviously a jokey (albeit ill-considered) way of saying 'no way', I feel that he is an abusive misogynist. Since it is obviously impractical for me to stop being such a fat greedy cunt in the first place, AIBU to LTB?" (Guess what the answer is.) (Archived: 1)
• "I would prefer it if my friends did not invite me out AT ALL rather than invite me out at short notice. This is because I comprehensively object to feeling like I am somehow second best, even though starting this thread is a tacit admission that I am frequently at home doing nothing when friends invite me out. Disregarding the fact that I obviously have the self-awareness of a table-leg, AIBU?" (Archived: 1)
• Perhaps unsurprisingly, only around ten per cent of MN posters have ever understood the joke in the Christmas kitsch classic "I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus", the remainder believing it instead to be a tragically heart-rending lament about unhappy children witnessing an extra-marital affair. (Archived: 1)
• "I was holding a party. I invited a womin friend. She has recently hitched up with a new man and she asked if she could bring him too. I told her that I didn't want strangers at my party. She decided to skip my party and go out with her new partner instead. I'm so hurt and confused. AIBU?" (Archived: 1)
• "I have gluten intolerance and I believe that I should get free cakes on the NHS. AIBU?" (Archived: 1)
• "I am a stay-at-home mum and so I cook the evening meal. I have tried insisting that my husband texts me on the way home from work to tell me whether or not he is hungry. However he always forgets to do this. When this happens, rather than put his unwanted meal in the fridge or the freezer so it can be eaten later, I throw it away. I am very upset that my thoughtless husband is wasting food. AIBU?" (Archived: 1)

	“	Have you ever been to encyclopedia dramatica?... DON'T GO THERE It is a hive of misogyny and male terrorism They even have an article on us! (which reads like a rapist's diary)	„
	—How does she know what a rapist's diary looks like?

	“	Something which has been playing on my mind for a couple of weeks and does seem sort of relevant to this thread is a website that I came across while googling the impact of rape (after a comment on the We Believe You thread). I came across a site called Encyclopedia of Dramatica and this page which was just foul. It was set up like a wikipedia page and was promoting rape and sexual violence in a truely stomach churning manner. Does anyone on here know how getting it taken down would work?	„
	—Fuck yea

See also

• Rape
• Almost raped
• Rape culture
• Victim complex
• The Man
• Feminazis
• Patriarchy
• Lesbian bed death
• Welfare
• Bitches
• Rape
• In the kitchen
• Domestic violence
• Child abuse

External links

• Mumsnet itself
• Guardian 2010 "Power 100" list includes profile of 'female entrepreneur' Justine Roberts - founder of Mumsnet and wife of Guardian deputy editor Ian Katz ^✡ - oh and look at that, page removed because it was paid content
• Mumsnet asks journalist Nick Cohen ^✡ to give a chat session and he is outraged to learn they don't pay and often actually charge their guests

Not to be confused with

Netmums, an inferior hunting ground for the would-be troll because the posters are mainly US women and as such tend to know their rightful place is on their backs making babies or over the stove making dinner.

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