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Fleshlight
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This article needs a serious clean up
Somebody should do something about it. |
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A fleshlight is a sex toy made for people who, for some reason, lack the ability to use the perfectly good hand that Mother Nature has given them to use to simulate the feeling of secks. It's basically a rubber vagina in an enclosure that even Helen Keller wouldn't mistake for a flashlight, with “2 million dollars spent in research and development”. In other words it is money well-spent to satisfy the pathetic needs of basement dwellers, whilst laminating their V cards in the process.
If you should choose to shove your tiny cock into one of these rubbery death traps, it will get smaller than it already is and you won't be able to pleasure even the most common of whores.
Fleshlights come in many varieties ranging from mouths, asses, vaginas, and whatever else to suit your sexual needs. They also come in pink and clear, for the people who enjoy fucking raw shrimp. Note that all the types and colors feel the same, and it's just to satisfy your greedy needs. (You are probably the most likely person on Earth to buy one of each color, inner texture, case color, and type. Geek.) The makers of the fleshlight can easily make claims that it "feels just like the real thing" because they know that 99.9% of the basement dwelling neckbeards who buy the product have never experienced a real pussy and probably never will. If the makers of fleshlight really wanted to make increase their profits ten-fold, they would appeal to the furry market by making a series of dog vaginas for these sick fucks. Unsurprisingly many threads in /b/ pop up from time to time with people considering buying one, while others laugh their asses off at the original poster.
—Holy Wanker, Does anyone have a clue about what the fuck he's talking about? | ||
Fleshlight Videos
Previous Video | Next Video
Gallery
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vagina in a convenient package. -
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Fleshlight, now catering for gun fucking red necks. -
For closetcases too! -
Motivate me, /b/! -
This review brought out a butthurt response by an obvious fleshlight owner. -
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Note how the lotion covers her nose. -
Mom helping her son with sex ED. -
LHC version for you theoretical physicists -
Can you help me, Ryan? -
Even futanari love teh fleshlight. -
Fan+Fleshlight=Awesome -
Typical Fleshlight setup. -
Now furries can have fleshlights,too! -
Fuck it. What's the worst that could happen? -
The loli model -
Your neighbors are sure to fuck your shit if it goes to the wrong house.
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gay nigger approved
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Bust a nut while you bust a ghost
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For Transformers fanboys. -
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Copypasta
This is a copypasta that has circulated around /b/ that divides despair by zero. It originally was a true post by someone on the fleshlight website's forums titled Fleshlight makes me want to kill myself.
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It's not the Fleshlight's fault, really. Just the fact that trying to use the one I ordered for my 34th birthday has rammed home the basic fact that I am a loser and that I am never going to get laid in my life. I am apparently both too small and too big to use the Fleshlight. Small in the PENIS and big in the grossly overweight stomach. The result is that I apparently can't get very deep into the thing and experience the ribbing and other textures. I ordered four inserts at once, three supertights with the three sorts of textures -- wave, ribbed, bumped -- and one ultratight. With all of them I have been having an incredible struggle to find a comfortable position to get in with my enormous stomach to allow for using the thing long enough to get off. I apparently developed a way to masturbate by hand that deluded myself into thinking I was normal. I am obviously not. I can only seem to go about an inch and a half into this Fleshlight before my fat gets in the way and the smallness of my PENIS defeat the purpose. The incredible depression of the experience makes it hard for me to stay erect as the whole time I am thinking about what a deformed, out-of-shape loser I am, so I end up only half hard or less. Today is my 34th birthday. I have never had a girlfriend in my life, due to being a shy fatass with an ugly skin condition that I was afraid of having anyone see by taking my clothes off. I am so incredibly fucking lonely and depressed. I just want to be able to hug a woman, to hold her in my arms. Sex is frankly secondary to me, which is lucky given that I haven't had any except with my own hand. I bought this thing thinking I would treat myself and make myself happier, but it has just driven home how fucked I am. I guess my only hope at this point is to find a woman who doesn't mind me only using oral sex on her because my PENIS obviously doesn't work very well. |
Lesson: DO SOME SIT-UPS FATTY!!!!
The man who posted that thread, posted one other thread on the fleshlight forums, this one where he took bad care of his fleshlight and ended up ruining it.
Material
Made out of pink bubblegum, and flesh that's peeled of the pavement after a jumper has made a victorious ending; the fleshlight is the most unnatural alternative to a cunt you will ever feel. It also comes in variety of 'textures', one of which only appears in the natural world during an STD outbreak. Pedobear is said to have designed the 'ultra-tight' one just for you. You'll love it.
Raid
On the 30th of August, there was a massive raid of the www.fleshlight.com customer service Live Help chat. /b/lackup was called, and lulz were had. Many people answered stupid fucking questions as politely as possible because they were at work. It is to be expected that you'll get trolled working for a sex toy company, so there was no remorse. Many people answered calls and chat window; among them Felsiberto, Ahmed, Todd, some dumb bitch, and of course Ryan.
Ryan actually had a sense of humor and went along with the many forced memes thrown at him, like mudkips as well people claiming to accidentally an entire fleshlight.
Another raid ensued on September 21st, causing even more lulz, especially for those who missed out. Turns out, Ryan found his way to /b/ and even began posting there. His dick was jumped on immediately by many an anon.
Raid Gallery
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Ahmed gets his cherry pooped -
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Ryan first starting out -
Ryan's catching on... -
the problem isn't on Ryan's end -
No, thank you. -
Ryan??... You decide. -
Thomas gets pwned with style!
The Raid stopped being funny when they shut down their chat center that night, and Ryan was declared a GODlol. After that, the newfags got a hold of the raid and promptly broke Rules 1 and 2 by LINKING HIM TO /b/. Regardless of the fail, the screenshots taken of the raid are still floating around; once in a blue fucking moon you'll find a new one that doesn't suck. But mostly, it's newfags repeating what we did the first time.
The Ryantology commandments to be posted here later, bitch.
Fleshlight Community
The Fleshlight community is one of the most pathetic fandoms on the interwebs, where men brag about owning over 20 fleshlights, loyally follow Fleshlight on Facebook and Twitter using their public profiles, and comparing cock sizes.
Also see
The lulzy Japanese answer to the Fleshlight; the perfect imported gift for Americunts who love getting their rocks off to anime; a combination of Ramen and dickbang called the "Cup Nude."
It wins. Srsly.
Last thursday a spanish version of Fleshlight appeared: MASTURBÍN, Carmen de Mairena Edition. This version is based on the spanish sex-symbol Carmen de Mairena. It features a realistic feel and taste that makes you believe you are doing Carmen.
Links
- One of the most pathetic places on the internets
- Fleshlights
- Fleshlight 2.0
- Make your own Fleshlight with a potato chip can!
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Fleshlight is part of a series on Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage. |