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Howard Stern
Not to be confused with Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer Howard K. Stern, a self-proclaimed full-jew and lover of big beautiful women.
Howard Stern✡ was once a great IRL Troll and self-proclaimed "half-Jew," famous for pioneering the talk radio format. Stern pioneered such ingenious bits such as dial-a-date, lulzy sound clips, the trolling of a whole spectrum of minorities, the exploitation of retards, crack addicts, midgets and various other mongoloids, interviews with dumb actresses and porn stars, and various forms of trolling and lulz.
However, Stern is now the biggest pussy and hypocrite to have ever lived. He proclaims himself to be the King of all Media, but now the old hebe's the King of all Lemonparties. To this day, he still tries to capitalize upon his past, not realizing how much of an IRL old meme he's become.
Early Life
Howard grew up in Roosevelt, Long Island, where his mother forced him to live long after it had become a predominantly African-American community nigger infested pit of misery and failure. Stern would be beaten by all of the apes in the concrete jungle on a daily basis. This developed into him goofing on blacks on a daily basis on his show... that is until he met a certain mare named Beth. While in high school, Stern was just like any other loner nerd. He had little to no friends, he used weed and ludes to ease the pain of being a loser, and spent time looking in the mirror at his micropenis, believing it would get larger, like you do every night.
After having his asshole torn in high school, Stern went to Boston University where he had an uneventful schooling which consisted of creeping up on little girls like Gollum from The Lord of the Rings and meeting his soon to be ex-wife. Sometime between creeping on little girls and forcing sex upon them, Stern learned to develop a radio personality and become lulz absolutely nothing.
Radio Career
Stern worked in several markets including DC and Detroit, because they reminded him of the nigger infested shithole that he lived in as a child. After recovering from his case of jungle fever, Stern moved to Jew York, where he magnified his lulz beyond a scouter's calculation. He was hired on WNBC where he was promptly fired by the head kike for the vicious pursuit of lulz, and the fact that Stern didn't get him his gifilte fish and a little boy on time.
Howard was best known for his work on KROCK, because no one gave a shit about him until they were forced to listen to him when KROCK syndicates replaced their early morning Cuntry hits with Stern's radio show. Stern had honed his lulzy skills and didn't give a shit about anyone or anything. Stern was like the radio parallel to Andy Kaufman, which was much needed, as Kaufman had evolved into a rotting corpse. From 1985-2001, Stern was king troll and pissed everyone off without remorse. However a divorce later, the loss of staff, and an encounter with a tempting mare, Howard was on his way down the path of faggotry.
Enter 2001-2005, Howard was going through the transformation phase, changing much like an innocent child turns into a rebellious teenager, who smokes weed for the first time (along with a few dicks), and turns into a failure of an adult, leaving him/her in a pile of their own shit, chasing the next high. Howie and his show fell apart much in that fashion, minus the angst (that would be saved for later). In 2001, Jackie left to be a failure all by his lonesome, and was replaced by a walking frunz factory, Artie Lange. Stern stopped making fun of minorities, and generally halted much of his trolling, including guests and whoever else he felt like, much to the chagrin of loyal fantards. In 2004, Stuttering John left, and was replaced by the contest winner... and the second place loser. By 2005, Stern had fallen off of his mighty peak and crashed, much like Hellen Keller piloting a plane, providing a good segway to what would be the failure that is Sirius.
Previous Video | Next Video
"Sirius" Business
Now he is on Sirius Satellite radio, and therefore a "Sirius" Cat. Sirius pays Stern a half a billion dollars to do his job, which is basically talking about reality shows, burping, and giving praise unto almighty Mulatto Jesus, leading into bitching about how much getting a half a billion dollars to do nothing sucks, all the while complaining about how hard he works and how he desperately needs to go home early so his wife can break in her new bullwhip on him.
Stern is the epitome of a hypocrite. Every thing that he criticized, made fun of, or did himself, he either lives currently or contradicts. He made fun of old men who married girls decades younger than them. Whoops. He was not bothered by racial slurs nor racist jokes and took none of it seriously, in fact, it was a common routine in his radio bits, but now he is self censoring on a medium that allows him to say whatever he pleases. He was energetic, interesting and cared about the quality of his show, but now he could give a shit. Stern, who was once edgy and truly entertaining, now is an unfunny fuckbag riding on a rainbow of delusion.
A great example of Howie's hypocrisy was the Don Imus case, in which Imus called some nigger women's basketball team nappy headed hoes. Despite this being entirely accurate, Sirius did not want bad publicity so they decided to fire him. A company that supposedly allows free speech fired someone speaking his mind. Hampton's Howie, being the crusader for free speech that he is, who often complained about censorship, showed his true colors when he supported the firing of Imus.
Stern also barely makes it through his shift anymore. Because Stern has such a hard, strenuous job, he believes that he can leave whenever he likes and not even works a whole week while complaining about it. It's like the ultimate form of trolling. The people that still want to listen to him can't because Howie only works 4 day weeks now, and takes 20 weeks off a year, along with any bullshit holiday like Yom Kippur.
Of course Hampton's Howie still has a loyal fanbase, which consists of mostly retarded frat boys and college students who get entertained by Hampton Howie's "hardcore" comedy, most of which doesn't even touch what he did before... while being regulated... even though now he can do WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS TO!!!
On Fridays, clips from of his old show are played, which, while ultimately more lulzy than Howie is nowadays, are old news. This is because Howie reclaimed all of his old tapes from CBS. Glad to know they're in good hands. Along with this, Jackie has a show on one of Howie's channels now, known as Jackie's Joke Hunt. Knowing without Stern, his liver and professional life would be in the shitter (like it always was), Jackie came back to suck the dick he once loved, but instead of tasting like gifilte fish, it tasted like horse manure.
Stern's Show Members
- Robin Quivers - Howard's long time sidekick, who's biggest talents are her massive tits, which could keep a space shuttle from taking off. Her only real job on the show is to read tabloid headlines and anything posted on the CNN website. Otherwise all she does is stroke Howie's super-sized ego.
- Fred Norris - A dirty Latvian and long time cast member who is a writer for the show and in charge of sound clips. Known for his strange behavior which leads many people to believe he's from Mars.
- Gary Dell'Abate (a.k.a. Baba Booey, Boy Gary) - Howard's long time producer who is the epitome of ugly. His traits are massive horse teeth, a fat ass, and nose-hair singeing breath, and his main ability is incompetency at his own job.
- Richard Christy - Won the "Get John's Job" contest in 2004. Previous to being hired by Stern, he was a loser metal drummer that lived in a storage facility in Florida. Currently in a gay relationship with Sal.
- Sal "the Stockbroker" Governale - Howard's stalker who entered the "Get John's Job" contest and came in 2nd place, but Howie hired him anyways. Known for being a pussy-whipped faggot, like Stern and the rest of his cast, and for having a huge hard-on for Howie.
- Those two douchebags above contribute to the show with their oh-so-funny phony phone calls. Their job requires the skills of a 13 year old boy except they get payed over a hundred grand to do so. Feel free to kill yourself at anytime.
- Benjy Bronk - An unfunny, fat fuck that replaced Jackie Martling's writing position. Scientists have proven that there is a black hole near the proximity of Earth when Bronk revealed himself to be a huge, round, dense object that sucks the funniness out of everything that comes near him.
- Jamie "JD" Harmeyer - Media producer at.. errh.. you know... whatever.
Stern also hired a colostomy bag called Bubba the Love Sponge, who has the effect of being raped up the ass by a horse. Bubba is known for pathetically bashing Stern for being an old hack (never mind the fact that this is true) while failing to realize that he's old as shit too. Howard also feuded with Bubba as illustrated in these videos [1] [2]. No one listens to Bubba on purpose and if they do, they deserve to be lined up against the wall and shot along with the furries.
- Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling (1986-2001) - An unfunny comedian who left the show before 9/11 because Jew-boy wasn't willing to cough up a little more dough. Although unfunny in stand up, Jackie contributed by being the show's punching bag for his shitty personal life, by being a writer, and also through his inhuman laughter.
- Billy West (1989-1995) - A voice actor who provides some of the voices for Futurama and did the voices of Ren & Stimpy. On the show, he provided voices of many people, mostly to troll them and even other members of the show. Back when ball busting was common fare. Unsurprisingly he left over money.
- John "Stuttering John" Melendez (1989-2004) - A drunk and general waste of life that mooched off of the show an made an ass of himself in general. He did interviews asking ridiculous and insulting questions to celebrities and wannabe celebrities to troll them. He left to be the announcer for Jay Leno, once again, over money.
- Artie Lange (2001-2009) - A close associate of the lulzkiller who took Jackie Martling's seat (not writing position) in late 2001. His contributions to the show include sleeping, complaining, and going on heroin binges but miraculously not dying. In early 2010, he attempted to kill himself by stabbing himself nine times. Unfortunately, he didn't die. If only he had bought a fucking gun.
Beth-O
Hamptons Howie's most recent wife that he met in 2000 a year after he separated from his first wife. Since then, Howard has turned his political views around 180 degrees, and has moved to the shithole Hamptons on Long Island, where he spends his time being pussy whipped and watching gay reality shows. But don't worry, Beth-O loves Howard and didn't just marry him for his millions.
She was a model that Howie got an instant hard on for. After a divorce with his original wife, Alison, Stern was again on the prowl for loli, just as in his youth, and especially one who would have been an infant on his first loli escapade. This made Beth his first choice. Being short on looks himself, Stern thought this empty headed cunt was a lucky catch, as she didn't marry him or even consider being with him due to his fame and incredible amount of money.
Howard often speaks of his wonderful wife very fondly. She has him under control much like Hypnotoad. If anyone so much as mentions her in a negative light, Stern goes ballistic. He even threatened to fire ass pirate Sal for doing so. Srsly. This could be used for trolling purposes if Stern could be easily touched, unfortunately, we can't always have nice things.
Start placing bets now, because once Howard leaves radio when his 5-year contract with Sirius is up, Beth is going to leave Howard in an ugly divorce. Proving how much she truly loves and respects Howard, and is in no way a two-bit cunt.
She also had a small stint hosting a show on G4.
Enemies
See Also
External Links
KROCK Howard
- cpuss Documents KROCK Howard's lulz
- bignosedbastard has a lot of lulzy appearances but also unlulzy Hampton's Howie shit
- spaceb808080
- sserpent21 Stern stuff mixed in.
- skippyeyes
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