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Retro Video Game Kids

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THIS PAGE IS BEING WATCHED BY ENEMIES OF THE LULZ.
BEWARE OF BUTTHURT REVISIONISM.


The console of choice for true hardcore retro kids!

A plague is sweeping our beloved Internet; the plague of the Retro Video Game Kid. Just like video game reviewers, Retro Video Game Kids (short: RVGKs) are a new mutation of the AIDS that is killing YouTube. RVGKs are little more than young autistic children who love collecting (Not to be confused with actually playing them) old video games - not for the sake of sharing memories (which is quite obvious since they weren't shat out of their mother's crusty vagina before games like MC Kids were released) but for the sake of being cool. That, and their families are too poor to afford Halo 3, so they fob them off with 20 year old shit from garage sales.

However, you should note that they're probably bullied and beaten at school because they're fat loners with no lives. And what happens when fat loners with no life discover the Internet and share the same interests in a close circlejerk? A new shitty Internet subculture is born.

How to Identify a Retro Video Game Kid

Retro Video Game Kids have a lot in common and randomly discovering one of them on YouTube is more likely than you think. But instead of delivering a five-paragraph long pamphlet about the characteristics these people like to share which you won't care to read anyway, our top scientists summed them up and created a Bingo card, thus making sociology more comical. Fun for the whole family!

Major Players

Much like in video games, there are certain characters in the RVGK cult who stand out above the others, whether it's because their stats are higher than others (They own more shitty retro games) or because they manage to maintain a larger adventuring party (They have more retarded subscribers). Whatever the case may be, they have earned their spots on this list, for your reading pleasure.

EarthWormJim55 / Megabubbles31 / Pokemonmanx1 / Max Baker

Max Baker, a young autistic obnoxious boastful self-important faggot, is the person responsible for the whole movement.

He (and the movement itself) gained attention when NintendosAdvocate2, an obese and insecure sexist gaming manchild who leeches off the government and spends his SSI money on video games, closed his account after a group of YouTube trolls called him out on his bullshit. Being one of NintendosAdvocate2's most obsessive fanboys, ("He liked to collect crappy old retro games just like me! OMG HE IS MY IDOL!!11") Max Baker threw a shitfit of epic proportions, posting harsh comments on the troll's channel such as these:

   
“ 		 
come on! leave youtube!
  		„
  		 

—Max, fully unleashing his fury.

   
“ 		 
how do you have sex with your penis?
  		„
  		 

—Max, displaying that he skipped Sex Ed at school

   
“ 		 
(insert ASCII art of four middle fingers here)
  		„
  		 

—Max, being artistic.

These comments intrigued the trolls and other assorted onlookers, and prompted them to take a look at Max's channel. And so, the sick subcultural mess that is the Retro Video Game Kid scene was discovered. He deleted all his YouTube videos (possibly at the request of his parents) after he was trolled for several months, including a number of prank calls to his parents and his school.

Internet archaeologists tried to enshrine some precious snippets of his angelic voice and smug fucking face, from his few surviving videos they had saved on their hard drives (Which they had used to produce a number of parody videos). Then, they realized that he forgot to delete his videos on his second account, which made things much easier.

Quality reviewing.

Angelic voice and quality capture methods, No?

Still abusing his games 3 years later

He's a ponyfag now. Surprise surprise.

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He has since returned to YouTube as Template:Youtube2, confirmed by the fact he had previously used the handle to post his video game collection on a now defunct Pokemon forum.

Gamesforall129 / Brent Strong

Remember that kid at school who thought he'd make it big and become world-renowned? Well, that's Brent Strong - the lovechild of Max Baker's autism and Alexander4488's ego. Brent may look harmless, but BE WARNED: If you annoy him or criticize his video series called the "Brent Strong Experience", he will respond to you in the same way all other self-bloated autistic faggots respond to negativity:

   
“ 		 
You're all fucking pussy ass bitch cunt fuckers with no life. If you did, you wouldn't be picking on people because of their problems. You're all fucking douchebags who make shitty videos that are even shittier than mine. Yes, I'll admit my videos are shit. But you douchebags will go out of your ways to insult others. I think you need to get a life. Fuck you.
  		„
  		 

—Brent, Look at all those swear words, he is such a badass, right guys?.

Once you feel the Brent Strong Experience you turn Brentally Challenged just ask Marlon he was the worst to feel the Brent Strong Experience.

Dayum, Brent, that sure was a diss! But hold on: Brent is so badass that he bothers to create a FOURTEEN MINUTES LONG rant on why he hates being taught.


Obviously Brent ain't nothing to fuck with. But wait - if he hates us that much, why did he register two accounts, not two, not four, but SIX DIFFERENT FUCKING ED ACCOUNTS HERE? Could it be that Brent has given up the fight and decided to become a troll himself? Nah: He's just here to vandalize any article that makes mention of him, and to have any videos featuring his likeness removed using false copyright claims. Clearly, he has no interest in trolling, and we shou-

Because if you are a 1337 troll everyone will love you

It looks like this is the first time that ED has actually been wrong! Calling GameStop and asking for Battletoads in 2010 is STILL totally funny and relevant! We at ED think Brent should be left alone because he's clearly one of us. Right? RIGHT?

RenyruIez / Reny Carrillo

   
“ 		 
hi mr. penis cleanis!
  		„
  		 

—Reny, expressing... seriously, what the fuck is this

Reny Carrillo is a fat, under aged beaner, and a filthy attention whore. He is responsible for a game reviewing series by the name of Template:Youtube2. Sound familiar?


Unfortunately that same aforementioned group of YouTube trolls discovered his reviews and did what they do best: They exploited his weakness for their own amusement. Then, Reny revealed himself to be a potential lolcow by his way of responding. Instead of creating shitty anti-troll videos or e-petitions, he decided to post something along the lines of "i told u i was hardcore", and continued hinting at his upcoming suicide. Shocked by the plans of such a young Mexican fellow, Internet Humanitarians tried to convince him that suicide is not a solution. Of course, the aforementioned suicide never happened, and everyone realized that Reny is just a pathological liar and an attention whoring dumbass.

http://steamcommunity.com/id/renyrulez

The following video by Reny is another example of how close the RVGK circlejerk really is: They actually send fucking retro game care packages to each other.

Ulrichthehedgehog / Connor McCoy

Aspie, Furfag, Weeaboo, Spax3 Cosplayer and the worst of all: RVGK.
Ulrichthehedgehog, doing his thing.

Before it was known that he was a furfag with a vore fetish, Ulrichthehedgehog (AKA Connor McCoy) appeared to simply be an average, young, autistic male, who just so happened to review retro video games on his Template:Youtube2. In fact, it was a commentary by those lovable aforementioned YouTube trolls over his review of the NES Zapper that got the ball rolling.

LorenzoTheComic / black person

Lorenzo Parker is a black person 17-year-old retarded RVGK Furry Plushfag in denial, who attempts to troll the other RVGKs so that that he will not be trolled. In the past, Lorenzo's YouTube videos consisted of him making video game reviews with the help of his Sonic, Pokemon, and Mario plushies. More recently, his videos have been nothing but gameplay of his shitty Game Maker games, which he will usually remove within several hours.

He made a very creative game about the RVGK's, it was really shitty and he forgot to add him self.

This Template:Youtube2 made Lorenzo close his channel, He even made a video of him closing his channel. View it here

Look at Lorenzo complaining on the google help forums about people re-uploading his camcorder videos. Check it out, it's pretty funny.

Some of Lorenzo's videos, he even made a 30 minute movie

Lorenzo's Links

Forgettable Characters

As long as we're sticking with lame video game analogies, these following characters are sort of like the NPCs in RPGs who pace back and forth in the same 6 spaces on the grid, praying that someone, ANYONE, will notice them, if only for a precious second in time, and validate their very existence by asking them for their input. Having dispensed whatever useless information it is they have to offer, the main player walks away and never bothers talking to them again. Yeah: That just about sums up these next few kids pretty much perfectly.

CapcomMegaManAnime & SuperElmoThePezGuy64

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Proof that all of these kids are entirely interchangeable with one another (Other than their personal reactions to being trolled, of course). These two guys are put together into a section because they are prime examples of a RVGK profile: Atrocious channel backgrounds, the use of Windows Movie Maker, long fucking usernames which reek of weeaboo and autism, and of course; shitty retro video game videos. They also get a special mention here because are close friends / "followers" of Max Baker - mess with them and you're messing with Max.

Thomas Alex Graf/Graftwins3

Every clique has its members that happen to fall beautifully into other stereotypes. Graftwins3 just so happens to be the angsty emo metal teenager of the RVGK cult.

His interesting and so alternative taste of music includes such bands like Pantera, "Canibal corpse" [sic], "insane clown posse" [sic], and "red hot chili peppers" [ffs, fucking sic] (He also enjoys "comedy's" films, and long walks on the beach). He also advertises his favorite book as being The Bible. Pantera and The Bible? Such an "ironic" combination of these affiliations can only lead to the conclusion that he is actually a hipster.

Unfortunately for us, he doesn't look like one (though he fits into the "obese nerd" look well enough), so we only have his lack of good taste to mock (and the aforementioned fact that he is an obese nerd). And, you know, THE FACT HE'S COLLECTING GAMES HE DOESN'T EVEN PLAY, JUST SO HE CAN BRAG ABOUT OWNING THEM.

Jonathan Poulsen/Nahtanoj1997

ATTENTION: Nahtanoj1997's first name is Jonathan, and he was born in the year 1997. You don't want to know what had to go through to get that information!

Nahtanoj1997 is the perfect example of something that researchers refer to as the Second Generation of Retro Video Game Kids: Inspired by people like Max Baker, they go off to create their own review videos which almost completely differ from their idols' videos, but still have one very important thing in common: They suck donkey balls. Such is the case with Jonathan: He created a game review series called the "Game Critic", which is even more "radiculous" than some of the average RVGK's videos. After the YouTube channel responsible for pretty much all the trolling so far on this article released a commentary of one of his reviews, they mysteriously disappeared - except for a saved review and, of course, the commentary.

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So, what does Jonathan do now? What every autistic underage shithead does: "Funny" reaction videos and "Cool" animation videos. Because 2girls1cup is still funny in 2010, M I RITE?

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Note: This section of the article was created by Marlon Linares, AKA Marlondudeful, a fail troll wannabe RVGK who lives on 5749 Fulcher Ave North Hollywood CA 91601, and his phone number is 818-385-5696.

"Chris Martinez" orbitmint4 / "Popi Tirado" Popibros1

(NOTE: According to sources on YouTube, these two users are actually two separate people, with the latter user simply using the likeness of the former for his own unfunny videos. However, seeing as all these kids really are interchangeable with one another, you can see how easy it is for a mistake such as this to be made.)

In an attempt to distance himself from the rest of the kids, popiBROS1 has taken up the "art" of YouTube Poop.he also has the compulsive need to get in front of his camera for every video he churns out, in order to appeal to the pedophile demographic on YouTube. Being a filthy camwhore Unfortunately, he can not control his inner aspie, and does the same generic video game reviews as his peers as well.

Perhaps his most distinguishing feature is his admitted addiction to smoking the spinach, which he seems to openly brag about on his channel and in his channel comments(What a fucking attention whore). Someone should give the kids mommy and daddy a call, assuming they weren't the burnt-out shells who got him hooked in the first place.

He recently discovered his section on this article, and responded with a terrible video containing shitty YouTube Poop references, further demonstrating his desperate need for attention and his lack of shame.

Just weeks after this article was written, Popi privates his popiBROS1 channel (due to him being butthurt about this article) and becomes a trainfag on his new account TheSouthernPacific. Currently, he is in denial about collecting retro games, although he still browses a RVGK website called Famicomworld and popiBROS1 still buys retro games from all the pedophiles of the retro gaming community.


DON'T ASK POPI IF HE LIKES RETRO GAMES ON THESOUTHERNPACIFIC, HE'LL BLOCK YOU AND REMOVE YOUR COMMENT!


This is what Popi looks like, deal with it.

popiBROS1/Orbitmint4 Links/Contact Info

Dante Scaglione/Snifitdude

Dante Scaglione is a youtube user who apperently has a fetish for snifits from Super Mario Bros.2. He is like any other retro video game faggot, in the sense that he makes a daily 10 minute long, retro game pickup video and gives his address to anyone who is willing to send him a retro game . In a desperate attempt to whore himself out he makes a video every opportunity he gets, such as when he unboxes a free fucking copy of Ubuntu. Snifitdude also follows in popiBROS1's footsteps, in the way of the "art" of Youtube poop. He makes these youtube poops because he was trying to fit in with the rest of the misfits who make shitty youtube poops .

Recently, Dante got massively trolled and wrote an article about the people who trolled him. (NOTE: He wrote it and sent it to Galaga135 to publish, cause ED gets your passwords)

On 09-28-10 it was SnifitDude's birthday, and he decides to buy a modern console to play an updated retro game.

Snitdude's Links

SnifitDude's Gang

Trolling

Trolling the RVGKs is so easy that it's almost depressing. If you want to find more information about your chosen target, just check his channel's comments.

These comments are neither part of a conversation, nor are they cut out from other conversations - these people actually have the compulsive need to randomly share facts about themselves on other peoples YouTube channels. Who the fuck needs Google and Facebook search when targets are willing to post their own docs right there on their YouTube channel, for the rest of the Internet to see?

Once you've started trolling, the lulz will lave like milk and honey. All it takes is a single mildly insulting comment, and the RVGKs will congregate on your channel, creating pathetic videos about you to the tune of these:

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Of course, that's really all they CAN do: They're incapable of taking things any further than half-hearted call-outs in Windows Movie Maker, set to the same shitty chiptunes they have on their iPod.The kids also try to EDit this article, and write about people who troll them in an attempt to counter-troll the Ediots who wrote this article.However, true to their diagnosis of autism, they will continue to post these videos, as ineffective as they are, honestly believing that they have some effect. You, however, should know better than them, and will automatically feel superior to the Retro Video Game Kids, regardless of you wanting it or not.

Because trolling these kids is so easy, our top ED science monkeys expect trolling in this sector to be done to death soon by attention seeking children who want to be on ED themselves. So, go ahead and do with them whatever you please, but get out of there before the underage copycats come and convince themselves that they are "epic win".

What's in Store for the Retro Kids?

The future RVGKs have to look forward to.

Like other self-proclaimed "collectors" of novelty toys, the retro kids will continue to amass coffee-stained NES cartridges and non-functional gimmick controllers well into their adult years. As they all admit to hating school and doing poorly at it, the bulk of them will not be attending college, opting to continue living at home with their parents and collecting their video games instead. By this point, their only friends will be their other e-buddies, and they will have convinced themselves that they are the only friends they will ever need.

A fitting end for those unfit to live in the real world.

Eventually, they will be sentenced to the Hell that is the working world, when their parents finally get tired of paying for their sick addiction themselves (They will be content in allowing the addictions to continue, however, as it keeps them quiet and out of their hair). The only openings available will be minimum-wage positions at fast food establishments and electronics stores. Finding the choice rather obvious, they will proudly put on their blue t-shirts and yellow namecards, and spend company time browsing eBay for great deals on discontinued Atari products. They will either lose their job because of this, or because of their inability to interact with customers. And so, back home they will go, perhaps having earned enough in their brief employment to afford a fancy Sega Genesis controller with turbo buttons.

One day, whichever parent got stuck with them after the divorce will finally get sick of their shit, and kick them out of the house and into the outside world, willing to pay for an apartment in the worst side of town and nothing more. Having black person, no street smarts, and no social skills, they will be completely unprepared for the real world, and will only have the video games they are too stubborn to sell to give them comfort. If they're lucky, they will eventually wise up and start selling their retro tat piece by piece, in a desperate final effort to put some food in their scrawny stomachs. Of course, they'll only have so much stock to get rid of, before they are left cold and alone in their piss-stained single-room apartment. With their last breaths, they will cry out for their mothers, before jumping off the roof or slitting their grease-stained wrists.

And that's what you have to look forward to if you waste your life collecting old video games!

External Links

See Also

Retro Video Game Kids is part of a series on YouTube.

Visit the YouTube Portal
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