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Bible
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The Bible (Pronounced: "By-bil") is the most exciting piece of shit since hitler, although far less realistic. If there's one reason to hate jews, it's for writing the first (and more insane) half of this novel. It is an extremely long book filled with pages and pages of boring and meaningless text which is generally memorized by extreme fanboys bush. It is arguably the greatest book ever made and the coolest story ever told, but the Lord of the Rings is still better. It was written by God, ostensibly making him the first, prototypical troll. Sadly, however, stupidity has survived throughout time and many people still believe in the illogical shit spewed from page to page. As such, it may be the single greatest example of trolling, intentional or not, and perhaps the longest edit war that the world has ever seen.
Probably the oldest of old media, the Bible is a sprawling epic that spans thousands of years. It is part creation myth and part war story, as well as romance, adventure, drama, comedy, and completely irrelevant history. Although everyone knows corrupt Iranian Jews made most of the shit up to troll the Egyptian and Israeli Jews.
The book is divided into two parts, the Old Testament, and the Old Testament 2: Electric Boogaloo. Most scholars agree that the Old Testament is Ultra gay, while the New Testament is fan fiction, written because there was no proper sequel in sight.
George Bush used a mixture of The Bible and Mein Kampf for the basis of his politics. See also Hitler, fascism, Nazis, and stupidity.
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Old Testament
The Bible begins with the story of God creating the world which we now (sadly) live in. This took six whole fucking days, but on the seventh, he rested, probably because he was a contractor, working for Cthulhu and wanted to milk out more pay and/or to smoke pot. After creating the world, God decided to create man, but this task took quite a while of trial-and-error, his first mistake being the creation of Jews. God originally picked out the name Joshua Israel Goldberg, but decided that his first creation wasn't yet inbred enough to take on such a ridiculous name, and thus named the first Jew "Adam".
After some time, Adam gets tired of masturbating and bitches to God, who gives Adam roofies and makes Eve out of one of his ribs. When an evil snake, (supposedly Satan if you're a Christian, if you're Jewish then it's just a fucking snake) persuaded the Eve to eat the forbidden fruit, the pair were banned from the Garden of Eden for all eternity. This is the origin of the Christian opinion that women are inferior to men. God installs the first firewall in front of the Garden of Eden using some hardc0re angels.
According to the Book of Exodus, Moses was the HNIC of all the Jews. God, being the 1337 ass that He is, told Moses "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle to Egypt and freeing all the Jews from bondage (Book of Princes 0:17)." Then, God taught Moses some magic, like turning his rod into a serpent and initiating Zerg Rush. Moses went to Egypt and tried to convince the Pharaoh to unpimp his bitches in accordance with God's will, to which the Pharaoh replied "Fuck you, I'm a dragon!". God realized his fanboi, Moses, had achieved epic failure of literally biblical proportions, and used His power to inflict AIDS upon the slave-driving Egyptians.
Following the offense, Moses and his motley crew of slave Jews were permabanned from Egypt. Pharaoh then realized he wanted his slaves back, but realized he forgot to make a save point and chases the Jews down. The Jews get stuck between Pharaoh's army and the Sea of Reeds, at which point Moses divides by zero and splits the sea they walk through. While looking for a good place to take a shit, they stopped at Mount Sinai. Moses had a revelation that God was waiting for him at the summit with further instructions. Moses climbed to the top of the mountain, and got two slabs of rock from God that had ten of His favorite fag laws etched into them. When Moses returned to HQ, his followers were yiffing a golden calf. Knowing that God hates furfags, a butthurt Moses smashed the archaic Word docs and stormed back up the mountain to cry on God's shoulder. God was more than a little pissed that He hadn't saved His docs before printing them out, but was eventually able to retrieve His writings with the help of Windows Optimizer.
When the Jews finally make it to the promised land, they send some spies in, and find that the people living there are jacked up on steroids and shit brix and go back and bitch some more to Moses. This makes God angry, so for the lulz, God decides to troll Moses and tells him to wander around in the desert for at least 40 years to search for Teh Promzd Lnd even though they already found it.
After that, a bunch of shit happens. Most of which consists of various Jew wars, in which the proof of one's valor involved the bringing back of the enemy's foreskins. Also, much writing on scrolls ensued. A lot of the shit involves God trolling his creations in hilarious ways, such as telling some dumbass he has to kill his own son, then when he's got his son laying on a table and has a knife hovering over his head, God throws out the "LOL JUST KIDDING" for ultimate lulz (yay for chronology, that's Genesis you dumb fuck), or God sending evil spirits out to do his will (even though he's supposed to be good). Another good troll is when God zaps a guy called Job with all-over genital herpes, then offs his family, to settle a bet with Satan, thus proving the two are in cahoots and the whole Good vs Evil battle is for lulz at humanity's expense.
A sample of this scintillating literary work of genius is as follows:
All who curse father or mother shall be put to death; having cursed father or mother, their blood is upon them. If a man commits adultery with the wife of his neighbor, both the adulterer and the adulteress shall be put to death. The man who lies with his father's wife has uncovered his father's nakedness; both of them shall be put to death; their blood is upon them. If a man lies with his daughter-in-law, both of them shall be put to death; they have committed perversion; their blood is upon them. If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall be put to death; their blood is upon them. If a man takes a wife and her mother also, it is depravity; they shall be burned to death, both he and they, that there may be no depravity among you. If a man has sexual relations with an animal, he shall be put to death, and you shall kill the animal. If a woman approaches any animal and has sexual relations with it, you shall kill the woman and the animal; they shall be put to death, but only after the video has been posted on YouTube; their blood is upon them.
Note here that even in antiquity the Old Testament recognized Genetic Sexual Attraction as a lesser crime, not punishable by death, proving that those who suffer from a syndrome are of course less responsible for fucking their siblings:
If a man takes his sister, a daughter of his father or a daughter of his mother, and sees her nakedness, and she sees his nakedness, it is a disgrace, and they shall be cut off in the sight of their people; he has uncovered his sister's nakedness; he shall be subject to punishment.
In conclusion, Adam and Eve, along with all their inbred descendants, are going straight to Hell.
The hero of the OT is David. This gimpy kid pwned the first professional wrestler named Goliath. Later on he starts the first Hells Angels gang and trolls Saul who eventually self-pwns. But once he's made king he starts taking himself too seriously, goes and sleeps with his general's wife, then arranges to have him murdered. His son from this affair then trolls David, but in the flame war he has his son killed. Feeling guilty about this he goes and writes the first ghey emo poetry: Psalms.
Also, in the Book of Ezekiel, a bunch of furry-headed gyroscopes in a helicopter tell some guy to eat a scroll, build a sand castle and play Warhammer 40K whilst lying tied up on his side for a couple years eating his own shit. Truly, God has the best drugs.
The last book written for the OT was Chronicles. In the Septuagint it is called "Paralipomenon", which is Greek for "things left out". Whereas in fact, it mainly consists of stuff thrown in and exaggerations, in order to make the Jews look better, and the other Israelites look like douchebags. For example, when comparing the books of Samuel and Chronicles, the number of Syrian chariot men King David slaughters goes from 700 to 7,000.
The Ten Commandments
The ancient Israelites -- being fussy, anal-retentive control-freaks -- demanded there be lots of rules. Rules, rules, rules. So after running out of nit-picky, hair-splitting regulations about how to sacrifice farm animals, they stole Chapter 125 of the Papyrus of Ani from the Egyptians (which in turn stole it from the Sumerians, who bought if third-hand from a shady Babylonian who insisted that it "fell off the back of an Ox-cart.") so they could have some bigger, broader, more nebulous rules that could be more easily used to inflict tyranny with.
As preamble, here's the right Reverend Preacher Christopher Hitchens-ibn Inshallah explaining how the Commandments work for the filthy unsaved, sin-corrupted Kuffah like yourself.
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The Ten Commandments: Famous but Lame Nonsensical Version (Exodus 20/Deut 5)
- 1. There is only one God.
This is supposed to make sense despite the fact that the Bible also mentions the Holy Trinity. Christfags also believe their God is the only one to exist despite thousands of other gods existing throughout theology.
- 2. Thou shalt not make any likeness of what is in the Heavens above.
Celestial beings are depicted in almost every single religious institution worldwide; be they angels, or Christ himself. Apparently the Commandments do not apply to advertising campaigns. Also, I'm sure the Catholics love to hear that all those plastic bobblehead Jesus's that they make so much money selling are actually frowned upon by the Supreme Creator of the Universe.
- 3. Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain.
To this day nobody has a fucking clue what this means. It's really more of a "filler" Commandment.
- 4. Thou shalt keep holy the Sabbath day.
Another massive failure for Christfags worldwide; as according to the Bible the Sabbath day is SATURDAY. In Italian, Saturday is Sabbato (Sabbath) but Sunday is Domenica (Day of the Lord). Clearly the greasy wops have attempted to take 2 days off when they are only entitled to one.
- 5. Honour thy mother and father.
Jesus ironically had two fathers; but according to him it's wrong if YOU do.
- 6. Thou shall not kill.
Moses apparently received subsequent instructions from God to kill not only anyone who stood in the way of the Israelites, but even to kill Israelites who had committed heresy in Moses' absence. Bible logic strikes again!
- 7. Thou shall not commit adultery.
Which is why Muslims and indeed Mormons have about 10 wives. But heaven forfend if some rich cougar gets herself a bunch of husbands.
- 8. Thou shall not steal.
Proof that God hates black people.
- 9. Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
Because this would be immoral and contradictory; and the Bible doesn't approve of immoral behaviour (unless it's directed at fags, women, people of other religions or even OTHER KINDS OF CHRISTIAN).
- 10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife
Remember kids, women are property!
Also....how can you have Capitalism without a little coveting. Almost makes you wonder if Christianity is some kinda Commie Plot. Makes sense considering how Jesus was just some long-haired hippie who wanted us all to love each other and shit.
Notice that the Common Sense ones (prohibiting Murder, Theft and Lying) are almost at the bottom of the list (at commandments 6, 8 and 9), whereas the first 4 are Yahweh being an emo drama whore who thinks it's all about him and his precious, precious feeeelings.
FUN GAME: For IRL trolling lulz, find a way to break all 10 Commandments at once and DO IT FAGGOT. This shall troll not only christfags, but Satanists and law enforcement, as well.
The Ten Commandments: Obscure but Utterly Bugfucking Batshit Insane in Membrane Version (Exodus 34)
To those who think that the Ten Commandments are a sticky, oily pile of rancid horse manure....it's worse than you realize. The version we are all familiar -- which was dealt with in the section above -- is a vast improvement over the Crazy Batshit Beta Version that is, apparently, The REAL Ten Commandments. It is the only version that the Great Sky Daddy actually calls "The Ten Commandments"
- 10 And he said, Behold, I make a covenant: before all thy people I will do marvels, such as have not been done in all the earth,
nor in any nation: and all the people among which thou art shall see the work of the LORD: for it is a terrible thing that I will do with thee.
Attention, Imminent Damnation Alert! You are now entering an Omnipotent Tyrant Zone. Beware of Angry, Emo, Omnipsychotic Creator Beings with Anger Control Issues and dominion over dimensions of Infinite Torment!
- 11 Observe thou that which I command thee this day: behold, I drive out before thee the Amorite, and the Canaanite, and the Hittite,
and the Perizzite, and the Hivite, and the Jebusite.
This raises an interesting theological question: If God is omniscient....and the creator of everything, couldn't he just....like....Not create all these other tribes, if they were going to be such an inconvenience to his True Chosen People?
- 12 Take heed to thyself, lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land whither thou goest, lest it be for a snare
in the midst of thee:
Yeah, lying, thieving and murder is not as high a priority as "Pay attention to me and only me!"
- 13 But ye shall destroy their altars, break their images, and cut down their groves:
Ah, the God of love wants every Jew to break shit that belongs to other people...because the mere existence of those other altars make Baby Yahweh cry. Or is it that the Omnipotent Yahweh can't do anything about these other altars and needs to hire mercenaries to do his dirty work? Damned Anubis and his magickal force fields make his altars immune to Yahweh's death rays.
- 14 For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:
Great. Let's name our deity after a character flaw. If there's only one God, and Yahweh is it, and he's all powerful....what can he possibly feel jealous about?
- 15 Lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and they go a whoring after their gods, and do sacrifice
unto their gods, and one call thee, and thou eat of his sacrifice;
And we all know that whoring with other gods causes cosmic gonnorhea.
- 16 And thou take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons
go a whoring after their gods.
It's like Yahweh is using this to beat off to.
- 17 Thou shalt make thee no molten gods.
Wait....What!? So worshiping Juibllex or Abhoth is completely out, right?
- 18 The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep. Seven days thou shalt eat unleavened bread, as I commanded thee, in the time
of the month Abib: for in the month Abib thou camest out from Egypt.
When are we going to get to Rules we can Use? Is Yahweh saying that it's okay to rape the murdered corpse of your neighbors ass....as long as rituals about bread are upkept?
- 19 All that openeth the matrix is mine; and every firstling among thy cattle, whether ox or sheep, that is male.
Hey, Keanu Reeves....Yahweh just claimed you for his Bitch.
- 20 But the firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem him not, then shalt thou break his neck.
All the firstborn of thy sons thou shalt redeem. And none shall appear before me empty.
This line is extremely confusing. If you redeem your first sons the same way you redeem a lamb or an ass....wait....is Yahweh saying everyone has to sacrifice their own first born? Must've sucked to be an only child back then.
- 21 Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest: in earing time and in harvest thou shalt rest.
Finally, a Vacation...after all that sacrificing and eating unleavened bread. And you wonder why Jews are constantly depressed.
- 22 And thou shalt observe the feast of weeks, of the firstfruits of wheat harvest, and the feast of ingathering at the year's end.
More shit about giving Yahweh a cut of your action.
- 23 Thrice in the year shall all your menchildren appear before the LORD God, the God of Israel.
- 24 For I will cast out the nations before thee, and enlarge thy borders: neither shall any man desire thy land,
when thou shalt go up to appear before the LORD thy God thrice in the year.
- 25 Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leaven; neither shall the sacrifice of the feast of the passover be
left unto the morning.
- 26 The first of the firstfruits of thy land thou shalt bring unto the house of the LORD thy God. Thou shalt not seethe a
kid in his mother's milk.
Wow, what a way to end it. More whijy, penny-ante horseshit about how to give up your shit to the invisible sky goblin -- not a decent moral admonition in the lot -- but apparently making a goat stew with a cream sauce is somehow worse than Hitler.
- 27 And the LORD said unto Moses, Write thou these words: for after the tenor of these words I have made a covenant
with thee and with Israel.
"And don't do anything stupid, like break these stone tablets in a fit of childish pique, just because somebody at the bottom of the mountain is playing the fool."
- 28 And he was there with the LORD forty days and forty nights; he did neither eat bread, nor drink water. And he wrote
upon the tables the words of the covenant, the ten commandments.
Why is Moses sitting there, chiselling....Yahweh should've done what he did in the Movie version: Burn the letters into the stone with his holy fire laser. Sad, Punk-ass Deity.
New Testament
—Sam Kinison - Greatest prophet of all time | ||
The second book, The New Testament, is where the story REALLY picks up. The Mary Sue of the second book is named Jesus. Jesus was born at least 100 years ago. Jesus' mom was impregnated by God (Mary fucking up the 7th commandment), and gives birth to Jesus in a barn somewhere Georgia, most likely in Bartow County, now known as the "Holy Land" theme park.
Jesus grows up to be a New Age healer preaching peace, love, unity and respect, thus making him the first raver or hippie of sorts. He gains a large following by performing miracles such as turning water into wine or moving Romans around Jerusalem. His followers are all men, so he might have been one of the first gay idols, preceding Judy Garland by at least one hundred years.
So Jesus pisses off the Romans, and is nailed to a tree and dies. He is resurrected and then is abducted by the Illuminati and taken to Venus where he lives with other historical figures like George Washington and Leeza Gibbons.
The book is a collaborative effort, written over the course of a million years by Dean Koontz (Old Testament), Danielle Steele (New Testament) and Frank Zappa (Revelations).
The book has a huge fan following, with many factions splitting up. Jews only take the Old Testament as canon while Christians accept both. Technically Islam accepts the Bible as legitimate scripture but just try telling Osama bin Laden that.
According to the Bible
There are many proven facts in the world that the bible says is wrong. When Adam and Eve fucked and made children like (100 or so) those brothers and sisters fucked and made more retard children, but it also stated that Adam lived for hundreds of years and "Helped with the creation of man" so basically he fucked his own children. Space according to the bible doesn't exist as the stars in space change and that's impossible because god created everything perfectly and unneeded of change. Then again we can always blame Satan for fucking everything up and releasing sin through Eve eating the apple, thus creating the lulzy - shit world we know today.
Usefulness
Makes a unexpected and merciless weapon, if it is a complete hardcover edition. Also can be hollowed out to hide smaller weapons. But, probably the best thing about the Bible is its quotability. Memorize some of these bad-ass lines and you are on the highway to Respect. Here’s how it would work:
- PRIMA: Hey, can I have some of that sandwich?
- SECUNDA: Get your own, buddy!
- PRIMA: Well, you know, The Bible says, “Let it rest on the head of Job, and on all his father's house; and let there not fail from the house of Job one that hath an issue, or that is a leper, or that leaneth on a staff, or that falleth on the sword, or that lacketh bread.” (2 Samuel 3:29)
- SECUNDA: Wow, that is totally bad-ass. Here, have the rest of this sandwich.
- PRIMA: NOM NOM NOM
Reading the Bible
In this day and age where the uneducated masses can hardly stumble through Shakespearean Era English, much less decipher the tangled strings of random words they claim is a religious text, one need not worry about not fully comprehending the teachings of the Bible. No livinc person has actually read the entire thing anyway. Just skim through Leviticus and Revelations for quick lulz, or if that's too much for you, Rev. Brendon Powell Smith has got you covered with the Brick Testament. It even comes with pictures for fuck's sake. How can anyone misinterpret something that's been illustrated with Lego?
How to properly view the Holy Texts
Think of it like a movie. The Torah is the first one, and the New Testament is the sequel. Then the Quran comes out, and it retcons the last one like it never happened. There's still Jesus, but he's not the main character anymore, and the messiah hasn't shown up yet.
Jews like the first movie but ignored the sequels, Christians think you need to watch the first two, but the third movie doesn't count, Moslems think the third one was the best, and Mormons like the second one so much they started writing fan fiction that doesn't fit with ANY of the series canon. So much their version deals with Israelite "native" Americans, and aliens from the planet Kolob. Think of it as the bible goes the way of "My Immortal".
Origins of the Literal Word of God(BIBLE)
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Warning! The following section contains serious business. |
The bible is clearly Christ and Yahweh fan fiction chosen for mainstream distribution by none other than Emperor Constantine. The gospels themselves were written anonymously in third person, and attribution of the authors' names (Mark, Luke, Matthew, John) is pretty much the equivalent of getting those annoying email forwards written by some basement dwelling fuckbucket and then simply typing in "from Bill Cosby" before forwarding that crap yourself. Everyone after that will be like "ZOMG Bill Cosby wrote this email! Forward it to all of your friends!!!1111!!!" To view some of the less popular fan fiction that he didn't approve of, check out the Gnostic Gospels which clearly prove that Jesus beat the breaks off Mary Magdalene and HOLY SHIT possesses a bird!
Just as the experts on convoluted bullshit thought the Bible was done pwning humanity, King James took it to a whole other level. This translation brought about such gems as: Isaiah 14:12 "How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!" This passage has Christ fanboys afraid to rub one out to this very day. Little do the Yahweh sycophants know, but this passage is actually a dis on the fallen Babylonian ruler known as "The Sun King", the word "Lucifer" is Latin for "Morning Star" - the same planet/morning star that we call "Venus". The KJV also gives us, among many more, a terrible fail of reading comprehension in Isaiah 7:14 which supposedly predicts Jesus' virgin birth. The passage in context (Isaiah 7:10 - 16) says "Hey King Ahaz - check out this chick right here; she's pregnant and is going to name her filthy Jew spawn "Immanuel" once it's born. He's going to grow up eating everything in sight - but before this kid has hair on his nuts your enemies will be defeated." The list of abject fail (contradictions and mistranslations) is so extensive it would be a mathematical impossibility for me to cover them all without stumbling upon a viable solution for the perpetual motion paradox. In closing, remember to thank that bastard Paul of Tarsus every day for the virus that devours young minds and squanders endless resources that could be used for something constructive. After all, it is he who decided to tell the disciples that jolly old Jesus advised him his lovin' was for everyone, not just the Jews. From that day forward the gentiles(us) have been eating it up. You see how well Christianity is going over in the area of its roots. Mention anything about it and your bitch ass is getting stoned and beheaded. Those Muslims and Jews really know how to run shit! Send in a suicide bomber for me fellas! HA HA HAAAAA....Martyrs.
Fact of the day
The original New Testament was supposed to run for a traditional 12 episodes rather than the 9 episodes that we know today. The story had progressed as far as Jesus "rising from the dead" and then "ascending to heaven" when a Christian writer's strike, ignited by the wise decision of Emperor Trajan Decius to feed all screenwriters to the lions in the arena, forced the hasty grafting on of a hurried and unconvincing season climax. In the original plot, the risen Jesus is exposed as an emissary of the Devil sent to overturn the teachings of the original pacifistic guru, and to engineer the subjugation of the Roman Empire by the new Christian fundamentalists, thus leading to centuries of warfare. The plot is exposed by Judas, whose "suicide" in the Potter's Field is really a ruse to throw off the agents of the Evil One, and the fake Jesus dies in a hail of Uzi bullets, leading to a Jew-run world of peace and love. (Obviously a comedy.)
Epic Bible Citations
All excerpts below are 100% accurate. No foolsies. I swear to fucking God. Use liberally to troll Christian forums and to justify murder and oppression!
- Genesis 8:4-5
- 4 And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat.
- 5 And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen.
The ark rested on a mountain 3 months before the mountains were "un-flooded"?
- Leviticus 11:9-12
- 9 These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat.
- 10 And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:
- 11 They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcasses in abomination.
- 12 Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.
If it lives on water, but does not have fins or scales, then don't eat it!
- Deuteronomy 14:9-10; 13; 20-21
- 9 These ye shall eat of all that are in the waters: all that have fins and scales shall ye eat:
- 10 And whatsoever hath not fins and scales ye may not eat; it is unclean unto you.
- 13 If a man also lie with man-kind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
- 20 And they shall say onto the elders of his city. This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.
- 21 And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die
If someone one eats a lot and drinks a lot. Kill them!
- Ezekiel 23:19-21
- 19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt.
- 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
- 21 So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.
Holy Shit! Egyptians were hung like donkeys, no wonder the Hebrews wanted to escape Egypt, they got sick of getting turkey slapped. Hey Beavis, she got fondled....
- Exodus 21:7
- And if a man sell his daughter to be a maidservant, she shall not go out as the menservants do.
If a man is sold, he can eventually go free. If a women is sold, she should be a slave for life!
- Exodus 35:2
- For six days work may be done, but on the seventh day you shall have a holy day, a sabbath of complete rest to the LORD; whoever does any work on it shall be put to death to him.
If someone works on Saturday. Kill them!
- Ezekiel 25:17
- There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.
If you try harming someone that's good then God will punish you... Eventually, and it turns out they do speak English in what.
- Actually it reads thus (KJV): "And I will execute great vengeance with furious rebukes, and you shall know that I am the Lord when I shall lay my vengance upon you."
- Deuteronomy 23:2-3 (or 23:1-2 depending on your edition)
- 2 He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
- 3 A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
If you get your dick chopped off or your vagina scooped off, then you're going to hell NO EXCEPTIONS. If you're a bastard you're going to hell NO EXCEPTIONS.
- Isaiah 45:7
- I form the light and create darkness,
- I bring prosperity and create disaster;
- I, the LORD, do all these things.
God does what ever the fuck he wants. Proof that the Bible contains some truth.
- Deuteronomy 13:6-9
- 6 If your very own brother, or your son or daughter, or the wife you love, or your closest friend secretly entices you, saying, "Let us go and worship other gods" (gods that neither you nor your fathers have known,
- 7 gods of the peoples around you, whether near or far, from one end of the land to the other),
- 8 do not yield to him or listen to him. Show him no pity. Do not spare him or shield him.
- 9 You must certainly put him to death. Your hand must be the first in putting him to death, and then the hands of all the people.
Someone you like wants to worship some other god? Beat the shit out of them, then call everyone you know to take turns bashing their skull in.
- Numbers 15:32-36 - The Sabbath-Breaker Put to Death
- 32 While the Israelites were in the desert, a man was found gathering wood on the Sabbath day.
- 33 Those who found him gathering wood brought him to Moses and Aaron and the whole assembly,
- 34 and they kept him in custody, because it was not clear what should be done to him.
- 35 Then the LORD said to Moses, "The man must die. The whole assembly must stone him outside the camp."
- 36 So the assembly took him outside the camp and stoned him to death, as the LORD commanded Moses.
The sickfuck deserved it, he was working on Saturday. Lol wut.
- Isaiah 13:15-18
- 15 Whoever is captured will be thrust through; all who are caught will fall by the sword.
- 16 Their infants will be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses will be looted and their wives ravished.
- 17 See, I will stir up against them the Medes, who do not care for silver and have no delight in gold.
- 18 Their bows will strike down the young men; they will have no mercy on infants nor will they look with compassion on children.
Captured an enemy and his family? Break his babies into pieces right in his FACE! Then rape his wife's brains out. God said it so it has to be legit.
- Deuteronomy 7:2
- 2 And when the LORD your God has delivered them [enemies in war] over to you and you have defeated them, then you must destroy them totally. Make no treaty with them, and show them no mercy.
They surrendered yay! After they're unarmed... Rip them to shreds! This is the passage of the Bible most beloved of white Americunts.
- 2 Kings 2:23-24
- 23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!"
- 24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.
Some kid's making fun of you? Just ask for God's help and he will kill them and all their friends. Justice!
- Deuteronomy 22:20-21
- 20 If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the girl's virginity can be found,
- 21 she shall be brought to the door of her father's house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done a disgraceful thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father's house. You must purge the evil from among you.
Girl still living with her parents and not a virgin? Kill her right in front of her house!"
- Leviticus 20:9-10
- 9 If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother, and his blood will be on his own head.
- 10 If a man commits adultery with another man's wife—with the wife of his neighbor—both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death.
You called your mom a what!?!? DIE!!! Oh and don't have secks with other married people.
- Leviticus 25:44-46
- 44 Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves.
- 45 You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property.
- 46 You can will them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life, but you must not rule over your fellow Israelites ruthlessly.
I can haz slavez? You can make your slaves make little slaves, and those little slaves will grow up to be your slaves for life. Oh and if an immigrant's child is born in your country, then you can buy them. You have to be "nice" to the slaves from your country. Do whatever the hell you want to the other ones.
- Song of Solomon 7:7-8
- 7 You are slender like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters of fruit.
- 8 I said, “I will climb the palm tree and take hold of its fruit.
bow chicka wow wow, now who says god doesn't teach valuable lessons?
- Ephesians 6:5 - Slaves and Masters
- Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ.
Slaves. Make sure you love your master. Cause they mean the best for you them.
- 1 Corinthians 14:34-35
- 34 Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says.
- 35 If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.
God himself basically said: "Woman. Your opinion means nothing" So it has to be true!
- 1 Timothy 2:11-15
- 11 Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection.
- 12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to use authority over the man: but to be in silence.
- 13 For Adam was first formed; then Eve.
- 14 And Adam was not seduced; but the woman, being seduced, was in the transgression.
- 15 Yet she shall be saved through child bearing; if she continue in faith and love and sanctification with sobriety.
It's different in Heaven, I swear [on your life].
- 1 Corinthians 11:3-9
- 3 Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.
- 4 Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head.
- 5 And every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head—it is just as though her head were shaved.
- 6 If a woman does not cover her head, she should have her hair cut off; and if it is a disgrace for a woman to have her hair cut or shaved off, she should cover her head.
- 7 A man ought not to cover his head,[a] since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man.
- 8 For man did not come from woman, but woman from man;
- 9 neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.
God > Man > Woman, and that's why Woman must give Man head, and Man give Christ head.
- Psalm 19:7
- The law of the LORD is perfect...
- Deuteronomy 17:2-7
- 2 If a man or woman living among you in one of the towns the LORD gives you is found doing evil in the eyes of the LORD your God in violation of his covenant,
- 3 and contrary to my command has worshiped other gods, bowing down to them or to the sun or the moon or the stars of the sky,
- 4 and this has been brought to your attention, then you must investigate it thoroughly. If it is true and it has been proved that this detestable thing has been done in Israel,
- 5 take the man or woman who has done this evil deed to your city gate and stone that person to death.
- 6 On the testimony of two or three witnesses a man shall be put to death, but no one shall be put to death on the testimony of only one witness.
- 7 The hands of the witnesses must be the first in putting him to death, and then the hands of all the people. You must purge the evil from among you.
Lesson to take from this: Don't piss three people off. And murdering people is against the bible?
- Leviticus 24:16
- 16 Anyone who blasphemes the name of the LORD must be put to death. The entire assembly must stone him. Whether an alien or native-born, when he blasphemes the Name, he must be put to death.
-I insulted that fucktard, God. OSHII--.
- Matthew 18:7-9
- 7 Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come!
- 8 If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire.
- 9 And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.
My penis causes sin so should I cut it off? But without a penis I can't go to heaven. I'd rather burn in hell then lose my good hand from touching a boob.
- Exodus 21:20-21
- 20 If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished,
- 21 but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.
Any minute now... Any minute now...
- Deuteronomy 25:11-12
- 11 When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets:
- 12 Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.
If a wife stops her husband from fighting, or grabs yo nuts, cut her hand off.
- Matthew 6:5-6
- 5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
- 6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth shall reward thee openly.
God can't see you when you're praying in the closet.
- Matthew 5:17-5:19
- 17 "Think not that I have come to abolish the law and the prophets; I have come not to abolish them but to fulfill them.
18 For truly, I say to you, till heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass from the law until all is accomplished. 19 Whoever then relaxes one of the least of these commandments and teaches men so, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but he who does them and teaches them shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
Use this to troll anyone who claims the Old Laws don't apply because of the New Testament.
- John 12:25
- 25 He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal.
Apparently God hates lulz - he would rather have an hero, an emo or a loser in heaven than a happy person in heaven.
- I Timothy 4:8
- 8 For bodily exercise profiteth little: but godliness is profitable unto all things, having promise of the life that now is, and of that which is to come.
Apparently, good health and a healthy body weight are overrated. Use this one next time someone accuses you of being a lazy basement dweller, then blame it on reading and listening nonstop to nothing but Christian content.
The Chaser put the teachings of the bible to the test to crazy Texans.
Bible Lieks No Sports
Gallery
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The Bible offers helpful advice for our everyday lives — such as how we are to beat our slaves. -
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An angel according to the Bible. -
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God does it for the lulz. -
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Illustration from the Bible. You can see Adam (left) peeking at Eve's naked body (right). -
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Why must this exist? -
Bible IRL -
The abridged /b/ translation
People Who Debunk The Bible
- Joseph Smith
- Farrel Till
- John Loftus
- Linus Torvalds
- Sylvia Browne
- Various scientists with nothing better to do
- Various atheists with nothing better to do
People Who Try To Debunk The Bible
Is it possible to Bunk the Bible?
Bible Babe
That fine ass Mary Magdelene
Hookers for the Bible
Flirty Fishing
See Also
- Tijuana bibles
- Bible Slash
- Antisemitism
- The Rapture
- Christian Spanking Blogs - Inspired by the Bible. Surprise surprise.
- Genesis
External Links
- Read the ENTIRE FUCKING BIBLE RIGHT HERE 4 FREE
- The Devil's Dictionary X - A fun and educational read.
- Skeptic's Annotated Bible - Points out all the bullshit in the Bible, which is why there is commentary on every verse.
- Evil Bible - The best Bible out there.
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