Joss Whedon

A rare photo of Joss after being captured by terrorists

Yet to experience the touch of a woman.

Every Joss Whedon character ever created.

The plump, geeky, comic book loving cancer that is killing screenwriting, Joss Whedon is exactly what Quentin Tarantino would be like if raised by Mr. Rogers. Beaten senseless and robbed every day of high school by the girls' chess club, Whedon attended college in England where he was only thrashed once a fortnight by the girls' rowing team. Some have speculated that these formative events were the inspiration for his subsequent works that featured women who are unafraid to use violence to plow through large numbers of foes: Buffy Summers, Illyria, River Tam, Melaka Fray, etc. etc.

Whedon began his professional career in the Los Angeles entertainment industry, freelance writing for sitcoms and eating from the garbage cans behind doughnut shops. Finally, he wrote a screenplay titled Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It bombed in theaters and Whedon decided that his failure was better suited for television. He was correct: BTVS ran for seven successful years, keeping the streets safe from goths, emos, 16-year-old girls and necrophiliacs for one hour a week or more if a marathon was running. Syndication and a DVD collection of the series ensure that BTVS will continue.

Whedon is now unspeakably rich and spends much of his fortune hiring contract killers to commit major slayage on the jocks who flushed him down the second floor toilet in his junior year. He was tapped to write and direct a Wonder Woman movie by Warner Brothers. Rumours that Wonder Woman will become a 16-year-old girl who can mop the floor with hordes of minions remain unconfirmed.

Whedon also ruined Runaways. He blamed director Jean-Pierre Jeunet for the stupidity of his Alien: Resurrection script, and blamed the idiocy of his line in X-Men on Halle Berry's wooden performance.

More recently, Whedon has failed at creating a remake of Gerry Anderson's Joe 90 for Fox called Dollhouse.

Career as a Rapist

In addition to his career in film and television, Joss Whedon is also gainfully employed providing surprise sex to his wife nightly, as unquestionably ugly and talentless bulldyke Allecto has fantasized in hyr LiveJournal. Note to the reader: as you read this excerpt, keep in mind that, in all probability, Allecto was fapping to the vision of rescuing Mrs. Whedon from this patriarchal servitude and whisking her away to a Sapphic paradise for intense re-education.

I feel awful for Joss Whedon's wife. From what I've read about him and the interviews I've watched, I'm fairly certain that he rapes his wife and abuses her in various other ways. I honestly can't think of anything worse than living with a man like Joss who thinks of women like the way he portrays in his tv shows. How awful. The comment about the money was meant to be about how I personally could see no benefit from being with a man like Joss OTHER than money. Joss uses and abuses her. Probably rapes her and thinks of women as whores etc, etc. Obviously, Ms Whedon has her own reasons for staying. Fear, patriarchal concepts of love, etc. But I would argue that she gives everything and gets nothing. Money is the only concrete thing that she could possibly gain. But as I said money is worth nothing compared with self-integrity, self-esteem, love (sister/lesbian/gynaffectionate love) etc. So she still loses out. Poor woman.

Undoubtedly, the Whedons have been cut deeply by the truth inherent in this character examination; Wifey's probably weaving vulva-shaped dreamcatchers to use as propellers for the vaginacopter she'll escape in, while Joss sprays bitter tears all over his dadpaste factory. Another uncontested victory for radical feminists who keep their ears plugged up with organic tampons to keep dissenting viewpoints from contaminating their womynenergy circles.

Joss Whedon Fan Sites

• BuffyWorld
  • Conversation Starters:
    • That guy who plays Spike looks gay to me.
    • I saw Joss's titties when he was in a drunken catfight with Shannen Doherty.
    • I like Charmed better.
• Fireflyfans aka the "Brownpants"
  • Conversation Starters:
    • Science fiction is stupid.
    • What were they using for fuel?
    • I like Dr. Who better.

See Also

• Buffy the vampire slayer
• Firefly
• The Bloody Board