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DJ Tiesto

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“ 		 
I integrate music from all over the world in my sets, harmony is what my music and life are built upon.
  		„
  		 


   
“ 		 
I AM TIESTO BITCH
  		„
  		 

Contemplating suicide over having to play one more Trance set


DJ Tiesto (Born December 25, 0B.C also known as God, Jesus, The Holy One) is a talentless hack the worlds greatest DJ DISREGARD THAT, ARMIN VAN BUUREN'S BETTER who was the first person in the whole universe to create Electronic Music and holds the world record for having over 9000 punters OD at a concert.

When not spending his time doing Coke off the tits of super models or twin Lesbian Canadian Singer Songwriters, you can find him paying other real musicians to make music for him.

History

Tiesto aka Jesus, doing the "Jesus pose" Before he is crucified by Romans

Sometime ago in Amsterdam, While playing with a Fisher Price synth, Tiesto came to the realization that not one person in the world considered using this amazing piece of technology for the application of writing actual music, thus Tiesto though known at the time as Jesus, decided to take a shit on the keys of the synth and recorded the sound that was released as his first totally original track, known today as, Adagio for Strings.

The Romans at the time though only liked Indie Rock though and thus while DJ Tiesto was playing a 5 hour DJ set on Mount Calvary, they snuck up behind him and nailed his hands to a piece of wood (Romans just did shit like that) while Tiesto did what is known today as "The Jesus Pose".

During Mid-1997 Tiesto reincarnated behind the DJ decks at Privilege in Ibiza and played a set that blew so many minds, it instantly rocketed him to the top of the monthly UK dance music bible DJMAG's Worlds Best DJ poll.

During sometime in 2007 he tried his hands at alchemy but it didn't work out for him as his only talent was taking a shit on a microphone. His attempts were recorded and released as the album "Elements of Life" which sold 7 bajillion copies.

Re-release of Tiesto In My Memory with exclusive "death" Cover.

Supposed Death

   
“ 		 
'Tiesto RIP - 0BC to Infinity'
  		„
  		 

A certain fake news report about Tiesto's demise in a drunken car crash got into the hands of the greatest reporting team in Australia who decided to announce the "breaking news" live on air to the horror joy of every trance fan in the country. Within minutes the internet was abuzz with news of the DJs death because people seem to have the memory of a goldfish and don't realize that this rumour surfaces EVERY SINGLE MONTH.

World wide news agencies who don't actually fact-check any of their stories, quickly interrupted their broadcasts with hard-hitting news that DJ Tiesto had indeed died in a car crash despite no actual proof of this what so ever.

The next day DJ Tiesto posted on his Twitter and Facebook account that he indeed was still alive and was "moved" but the touching sentiments of his fans who actually believed the rumour, despite appearing every month. This was of course too late as Black Hole recordings already moved to capitalize on Tiesto's death and re-released his album "In My Memory" to a worldwide audience that "Actually liked Tiesto" because of his fake untimely death.

   
“ 		 
someone told me that DJ Tiesto had been killed in a car accident, which sucked because his music is very cool and stuff
  		„
  		 

—Traumatized life long DJ Tiesto fan

Music

Tiesto has written a variety of music ranging from Trance to slightly more Electro Trance, here is a diverse taste of Tiesto's discography.


A remix of Adagio for Strings


Another remix of Adagio for Strings..


Okay are you fucking serious?
This is on what the magic is made.

Success

Tiesto reveals his secrets in music production and why he is so successful

   
“ 		 
When making a track what I usually do is I take 8-9 shots of Scotch, watch Re-runs of The Real World while my Dog licks my anus, The dog makes some strange noises I play those noises on my Casio and then I get paid
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
I can't believe you fuckers still buy this shit, I mayswell record myself vomiting and sell it
  		„
  		 


DJ Skills

DJ Tiesto is the worlds greatest DJ, in the following video we can see how Tiesto mixes songs together live and creates the greatest mashup of all time, The Sandscat!


But he wishes he was

Future

It is not known what the future holds for fans of DJ Tiesto, most believe that in 2011 we will get his long awaited "Allure Album" Which will most likely feature such sort after recordings of the time DJ Tiesto got high on meth, stumbled into a preschool and started sodomizing children.

We can expect Tiesto to keep playing behind the wheels of steel until the end of time as lets face it, getting paid like a million dollars to crossfade between two fucking records? Who wouldn't do that shit?

Discography

Studio albums
DVDs


External Links


See Also

DJ Tiesto is part of a series on

Music

Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage.

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