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Charles Carreon
Summary
Charles Carreon is quite possibly the stupidest person to ever manage to pass a bar exam and enter the legal proffesion. He's an old relic of the late 70s, early 80s brand of ambulance chaser slash threaten to sue every other person with a pulse style of bully-lawyering. Aside from being the inspiration of the Rocky 5 villian, Charles is currently best known for reaching a level of butthurt so absolutely unprecedented in Internets history that he's gone out of his way to try and sue major charity organizations in quite possibly the most fail attempt at trying to "get back" at another person on the Interwebs for making him so incredibly butt flustered.
Enter The Hero
The hero of this story is The Oatmeal, a popular web comic that's stylized after the enraged crayon dribblings of a spastically hormonal seventh grader strung the fuck out on Pixie Stix and Pepsi. Due to its stunning visual quality and uber sophisticated humor it has become wildly popular, boasting a fantard following that spans over a half million sheeple!
The Story Begins
Due to its popularity an endless swarm of 13 year old boys began pissing all over The Oatmeal's copyrights and started mass distributing and "sharing" his work on other popular websites which then profited off of it via their own ad banners, most notably the ironically unfunny Funny Junk website.
The Oatmeal originally cried foul against this unwanted ass rape of his art and demanded that his images be removed from the site. However he quickly realized the futility of having to file DMCA take-down requests for every single pilfered photo that could just be reuploaded again and again by different users and instead chose to mock the Funny Junk website in satirical, comedic fashion.
Believing that to be the end of the whole affair, The Oatmeal went on with life as usual, leaving the whole mess behind them.
One Year Later
Enter the villain, Charles Carreon! Almost exactly one year later The Oatmeal was served with legal papers from Charles Carreon on behalf of Funny Junk, demanding that The Oatmeal pay him and his client TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS for stealing hosting his unlicensed comic on their site for the past three years.
Their reason and justification for this overly obvious attempt at outright laughable extortion/blackmail was that The Oatmeal had made fun of them for stealing his work and that it ~totally~ ruined their e-reputation on the Interwebs!
The Hero Strikes Back
The Oatmeal, not finding these threats of extortion from FunnyJunk and their bully-lawyer to be at all funny, decided to fight fire with water! The Oatmeal turned to comedy and his comics and created a hilarious fundraiser out of the situation. His goal was to try and raise the $20,000 extortion demand via donations, only instead of forking it over to Charles Carreon he would instead take a picture of the money and send the picture to him along with a poorly drawn MS Paint picture of Charles's mom making love to a bear. The money would then in turn be donated to The National Wildlife Federation and The American Cancer Society.
The Internets Respond
The incredible success of this fundraiser has, thus far, been absolutely monumental to say the least bit. The original $20,000 goal has long been surpassed and some estimate that by the time it's over The Oatmeal may have generated roughly a QUARTER MILLION DOLLARS in fundraiser donations!
Along with these donations has of course come with the usual Internet backlash of Internets rage over what this man and Funny Junk tried to do. To steal an artists work and to then turn around and try and steal huge sums of cash from them obviously didn't sit well with...well, ANYONE! As such, every other doorknob with a computer immediately started firing off hate filled e-mails, enraged phone calls and every manner of threatening nastiness imaginable.
Epic Butthurt enSues
Charles Carreon, a person of strong Jewish faith, was simply SHOCKED by this turn of events. The endless insults and verbal attacks on him and his personal "franchise" were one thing, but to have someone waving around a quarter million dollars in his Jew face like it was candy, well now that was just crossing a line!
In retaliation Charles decided it was no longer about Funny Junk vs The Oatmeal, but about Charles Carreon vs THE INTERWEBS!
He responded immediately by filing lolsuits left and right for nearly twenty hours straight. In addition to suing The Oatmeal, you, ur mom and half the cast of Rocky V, Charles figured it would be an ~excellent~ idea to SUE THE CHARITIES that The Oatmeal was raising money for! ಠ_ಠ
Self-Important Delusions Of Righteous Grandeur
In what can only be described as the absolute most retarded legal decision of the 21st century, Charles Carreon unabashedly sued both The American Cancer Society and The National Wildlife Federation. A decision that will forever brand him as both an endangered animal killer as well as a pro-cancer supporter; this man is so thick-headedly stupid to the nth degree that he ~actually~ believes he's not only in the right, but is actually HELPING fundraising efforts the world over!
His mentality on this is so absurdly idiotic it can't even be put into words without the help of crayons and puppets to dumb reality on down to a level that could only make sense over in Retard Town. To sum it up, he's basically accusing the charities of not raising donations "properly", in accordance with his own personal Bizzaro brand of legalese. In other words, he's upset that he's not getting any of it and feels he's entitled to his unfair share of the donated Jew golds and if he doesn't get any Jew gold then NO ONE should get any! He's essentially pissing himself with indignant frustration and butthurt, hoping his putrid stench will drive everyone off. As "man-tantrums" go this is on a scale so far beyond butthurt it's almost indescribable!
He's not just butthurt, he's butthurt so butthurt that it goes way beyond the butthurt we know into a whole different dimension of butthurt. We're talkin trans-butthurt butthurt. Meta butthurt. Butthurt collapsed in on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Butthurt gotten so dense that no sense of dignity can possible escape. Singularity butthurt. Blazing mid-day sun on Mercury butthurt. Kitty litter box butthurt. He's currently emitting more butthurt in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar butthurt. Nothing in our universe can really be this butthurt; unless he's just some primordial fragment from the original big bang of butthurt. Some pure essence of a butthurt so completely uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry, I can't go on, this is just an epiphany of butthurt!