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Final Fantasy VII Remake

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HOLY SHIT The game only covers the Midgar part, or first 2 hours of the original game. Get ready to pay for multiple disks to play the entire story and the next part won't come out for YEARS!!!1

Final Fantasy VII Remake is to the ancient nostalgia fags looking to relive those teen years they lost some 60 years ago as a skinny little pedophile is to to a bunch of murder hungry prisoners looking for something to beat on just to pass the time and make one day appear different from the last couple thousand they have already served out.

The original is mostly known for making players cry in their pillow until their mommies took their little pussy asses for counseling because of Aerith getting that big ol' banhammer from 🔯Sephiroth🔯 and didn't come back to life like they expected, Remake is meant to be a retelling of the same old story that works to open it up more by making forgettable minor characters like Biggs and Wedge into more relevant ones and that are, at least, necessary for the plot to advance or, for the more cynical, a way the get gamers to dish out Shekals for a multiple game releases of the one they have already played.

The entire game consists of the first few hours of the original game spanning from when Cloud arrives on the train til you break Red XIII out of the pokey and have the highway fight after escaping Shinra. The most it does is give a new personality to Cloud, changing him from a whiney ass emo crybaby and more into the rough and ready soldier that he is supposed to be rather than the one in the original that only gets caught up in a Hero quest at the promise of getting a piece of ass from Aerith.

Plot

 
He's Here - He's Queer

Your standard RPG plot of the world needing to be saved and the character you happen to be playing is the exact same one who will be able to do it. The main difference to this tried and true model is that it turns the early villians into anti-villians by giving them personalities and motivations that aren't entirely evil.

For instance President Shinra and Barrett get into a philosophical, Eco hippy versus big business debate about Mako or the energy source of the planet with Barret arguing that Mako is the life blood of the planet and if they keep the course they'll bleed the planet dry to President Shinra retort of simply asking him, "If we stop using Mako tomorrow, what do you propose we use as a replacement for it?"

What it does is inject a sense of reality and believability into what could be best described a Melodramatic Fanfiction where evil is evil and good is good at best making it into something that might, at least, be playable more than a single time.

Game Play

 

Basically your standard button masher where you push a button to swing your sword or to bring up a menu to use special abilities, magic or items, the biggest improvement in this game is the summoning system.

Unlike the original you don't have to sit through three hour long movies just to cast the earliest of summons. This summoning system relies on waiting for a meter to fill and when it has the summon can be cast from the same sub-menu as your abilities and magic are on. The summon stays to fight with you until its meter runs out to where it will cast its ability that it is usually known for like a herd of Chocobos running into the enemy.

Main Characters

Name Description Picture
Cloud Strife On the positive, he's a lot less Whiney than he was in the original game. Your hero du jour that does his best to try and convince you that he's a hard core mercenary only doing it for the money. In this reiteration they actually set up some familiarity and maybe even Tifa having a crush on him so it won't come as a complete surprise when the bone train with Aerith derails abruptly from Sephiroth stabbing her ass from the sky so he won't skip a beat and jump back on to ride the Tifa tracks.

The game tries, badly, to start him off as an Anti-Hero that will grow to become the hero except Tifa and their past throws a monkey wrench into this because he can not be a cold and distant character that is required of the Anti-hero when she is around because their past together is her constantly saying, "Shut up, you're a nice guy. Quit acting like an ass already." Only really becomes what you can call a rounded character when Aerith becomes involved in game, hiring him as a Bodyguard for something you've never been on or will be on, A date. Instead of being the money hungry merc he tries to be, he actually becomes invested in someone other than himself and committed to someone else's well being when she has been kidnapped by Shinra and looks to save her because she is in need of saving and not because he is being paid for it.

 
 
🔯Sephiroth🔯 In 🔯Hebrew🔯 Myth the Sephiroth are the 10 attributes through which the Infinite One will reveal Himself. It is the moment when God chose to create Himself. A pretty decent name for someone who will become the harbinger of doom because the opposite end of the spectrum, the Kelipoth just doesn't sound as cool as Sephiroth.

In game very little is revealed about Sephiroth except through Cloud's flash backs. It's only up until the end of the game that you find out that he wants to join with Cloud in holy buttramony to bring about the end of the world or rather the uncreation of everything.

 
Cue screaming Fangirls
 
Barret Obviously a pedophile because he keeps a a little white girl around and makes her call him Daddy. Leader of the Eco terrorist group Avalanche that wants all Mako production stopped. Hires Cloud on the recommendation of Tifa to help him blow up a Mako Reactor. Joins with Cloud in saving Aerith because Aerith saved his pet loli/Daughter from immediate death when Shinra dropped the sector 7 plate onto the slums below where he lived. Despises Cloud at first because he's not committed to his cause of tie dyed shirts, pot smoking and handing out flyers and is only involving himself with them because he is being paid by Barret.

It appears he gains respect for Cloud when he sets out to save Aerith.

 
Tifa Fondly remembered from fans of the original game as that big titted bitch. Her breasts actually started a Real life drama with Fan Boys when it came out that she would have smaller breasts in the remake than from the original.

Grew up in the same village as Cloud. Obviously has a crush on him because when he told her, as a teen, that he was leaving for the city to join the military she made him promise that he would rescue her one day if she needed to be saved. Gets Cloud in contact with Barret to help him earn some money when he shows up in Midgar and also gets him a place to stay. Gets Cloud to dress in drag when she applies to be Don Corneo's wife for the night to try and find out why Shinra is looking for Barret. Obviously better looking than Aerith because in game they describe Tifa as being Hot while Aerith is described as being plain but passable.

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Aerith Described in game as being a plain Jane that's passable in looks.

The central character of the game because everything revolves around her because she is a Half Breed Ancient or the original inhabitants of the games planet. Being the last Ancient she is in high demand as Shinra needs her to find the Promised Land or a fertile land where the Ancients were said to have gone and it is believed that in runs free with Mako energy, cotton candy clouds and bronies clopping to Tara Strong's dog whistled voice acting. Comes into game when Cloud falls through the roof of the decrepit Church she is at, crushing her flowers. In perfect timing Reno of the Turks shows up and she hires Cloud as a body guard for the price of a date. From how she describes the Whispers, or ghost like entities that appear when destiny is to be changed there is some promise that the game may choose different avenues than the original such as, maybe but don't count on it, Aerith not dying or Sephiroth killing off everyone with meteor other than Red XIII's tribe. Was designed to be the polar opposite of Tifa which is why her eyes are green compared to Tifa's being red, which is why she wears a long dress compared to Tifa's short skirt and is a whore having slept with both Zack and Sephiroth as compared to Tifa being a Virgin that only looks like a slut.

 
President Shinra The main villain of the game. A model Capitalist and our personal hero because he is willing to bleed the planet dry and turn is to a boring rock in space to make a buck. President of the Shinra Electric Company and owns all of the mako reactors in the world and has his own army at his beck and call.

He spins the eco-terrorist attacks from Avalanche into joint terrorist attacks between their enemy the Wutai and Avalanche. A model business man and philosopher, when Barret tries to lay the eco crap on him President Shinra retorts by pitching a scenario and asking him if he would have the whole world give up on the modern age to sit around campfires while using rocks as toys. Gets Murderized by Sephiroth by being stabbed in the back.

 

The Ending

 
Dude. Don't be an angry manchild. Just burn one and chill

When Nostalgia fags got to the end, and that nothing meant shit, they realized that playing the game was pointless and it was shit all along. So the Outraged gamers went insane and spread everywhere. They started review bombing the game. They even started to go on campaigns to harass Square employees.

The people at Square got super pissed at a bunch manchildren getting raged at their shitty game, and decided to pull a Nintendo. They started mass copystriking down videos of the ending on JewTube by obnoxious people that scream in the microphone all day.

Trailers

See Also

Final Fantasy VII Remake is part of a series on
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