Canberra

Recently awarded the Guinness Record for "Only Hole Above Ground" and composed almost completely of crop circles, Canberra is the void into which Australians dump their politicians, pornstar-wannabes, and cycling-enthusiast university students. The two-story high "City Centre" is believed to be the ruins of Atlantis, as the only reason historians can find for their diminutive stature is that "they sank" (Dr Jeremy Fisher, 184BCE). Curious phenomena, such as the overnight construction of a carillon tower by aluminium pixies, has led many to believe that the pit rests above a portal to the alternate dimension of Bizarro-World - a wild and mysterious realm inhabited by aluminium pixies, bike-wheel-spoke goblins, fuzzy-wuzzy lie generators (common pets of the politicians), and a small neo-Nazi boy in a wolf suit, known only as Max.

At least 100 years ago, NASA made the shocking revelation that (from satellite imagery) Canberra was very clearly evidence of extra-terrestrials. Never before had crop-circles been discovered on such a large scale. This led to the Great UFO Migration of '42, when starving Russians and flying-saucer conspirators left their houses and smoke-stacks in search of enlightenment from the stars. Tinfoil hats are now a staple clothing item, although they are highly attractive to aluminium pixies who mistake these hats for possible mates. It is advised to carry a can of Whack-Off or similar substance when journeying into Canberra.

Canberra is the classic example of what happens when you let Australians have sharp objects and take their pacifiers away. It exists because they had a vote on which town was going to be the new capital of Oz...........and couldn't decide. So they stuck a pin randomly in the middle of the map, and built an entirely artificial town in the middle of a mountain range. A similar event occurred when they had a competition to find a new national anthem. There were 14,000 entries, and every single entry was rejected as unsuitable or too obscene.

Trivia

The parliamentary triangle, an area bounded by several major Canberran roads and landmarks, has seen the mysterious disappearance of many aircraft and paddle-boats, and is thought to be the final resting place of the Dengue Coq, a morphine-sloop operating during the Australian Civil War. It was said to be carrying enough morphine to "blinde a welder's dogge".

Attractions

In terms of tourist traps and money dumpsters, Canberra is world renowned in Australia. Some of it's more interesting features include;

Bellcompton. Where wanksters go to die.
Garema Place, home of the largest scene/emo/goth/junkie kid population in the southern hemisphere, commonly gathering around the silver cushion or "goon bag".
Civic, Charnwood, Kambah, Ainslie, Gungahlin...etc... Places to go if you want to get gang raped or knifed.
Canberra High School, inhabited souly by tweens, wiggers, pedophiles and Nazis.
Lake Burley Griffin. Smelly and dirty, the ultimate place to become An Hero.
The War Memorial/Floriade. If wading through a sea of Chinese tourists is your thing, these are the places for YOU!
The local Church Of Scientology. Come on, you know the drill.
Woden Bus Interchange. Scum magnet designed by the government, so that the po'lice can cap all those hardcore bitches in one supercondensed shithole.
Parliament House. Like the Woden Interchance, but for politicians.
Profit.
Hyperdome, where 14 year old mothers, morbidly obese families and bogans in general go for their daily mallrat activities.
Civic, the only part of the city that actually resembles a city; complete with faggy statues and a screaming drug-addicted Aboriginal who is often to be seen near the bus terminal. Stick around after dark and watch the elderly transsexuals emerge from their hiding places.
Fyshwick. Largest hooker farm in Australia.

Tips For Tourists!

Well, let's assume you're a complete fuckwit, after all you're visiting Canberra. For a start, middle class environments are a must, if not, the poor amongst you may visit the delightful Tuggernong Hyperdome, a feast of bogans and general degenerates of all varieties. After having enjoyed the marvels of the lake (presuming you survived), you can move onto the more exciting nether-regions of Canberra, and let the meaning of the phrase 'bush capital' change after making a short stop at Fyshwick, in which small, ugly, Azn whores will service your little cum-spewer for little cash. Then, burn the CoS, which is located at 4-7 Botany Place, Philip (6161-1057). If you have petrol left over, you can go sniff it at the nearby Woden Bus interchange, take it to Garema Place and have one big goth BBQ, or swing by Civic and give it to the disgusting old Abo screaming about how his dad owns a spaceship. Now, having killed some goths (A truly worthwhile endeavour) and fucked some whores, bail. There is nothing else interesting to do. Srsly. If the lake didn't finish you, go play in traffic on Northbourne Avenue; if the cars don't get you the heroin-addicted rapists will.

Canberra
is part of a series on
Ausfailia

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