Ouija Board

An early Nirvana board by The Swastika Novelty Company. SIEG HEIL!

Ouija (pronounced wee-jah by human beings and wee-jee by retards) is the brand name of a so-called "board game" that some extremely gullible individuals actually believe has the magickal ability to make contact with ghosts, demons and your creepy dead uncle who molested you all those years ago. The entire "game" consists of only two pieces: a heart-shaped piece of wood with a hole in it that is referred to as a "planchette" and a cutting board that is typically inscribed with the letters of the alphabet, the numbers 0 to 9, the words "yes" and "no", and the word "goodbye" or "farewell" for when the spoopy ghost that you're speaking to has finally had enough of your bullshit.

The Ouija trademark is currently owned by Hasbro and the game has been known for causing numerous outbreaks of delicious E-drama - mainly due to the fact that many Christians and Jews actually believe that Ouija — much like Dungeons & Dragons, Pokemon, Harry Potter, Marilyn Manson and Teletubbies - is a gateway into the occult and Satanism. This is made even more hilarious by the fact that Ouija users primarily consist of 8-year-old girls, 12-year-old girls, 16-year-old girls and 45-year-old women who hoard cats and have never gotten laid.

Ouija has also spawned two officially licensed PG-13 rated horror movie "adaptations" that are both essentially just Ringu-style bullshit with Ouija boards.

Ouija: Origin of Ouija

William Fuld, The faggot who stole the idea from the faggot who stole the idea from witches who stole the idea from China.

Spirit Boards or Talking Boards were originally invented by members of the Quanzhen School of Taoism around 1100 AD for the purpose of communicating with spirits. Eventually the Qing Dynasty that ruled China from 1644 to 1912 decided to ban these boards after realizing that they were causing the people to become lazy since they would do nothing but sit at home all day long asking random spirits to send n00dz. By the 1800s, spirit boards had found their way to numerous areas around Youngstown, Ohio, where they were used by witches and occultists to pester departed souls.

The first person to have the brilliant idea to attempt to market these spirit boards to the ignorant masses was an Americunt huckster from Maryland named Charles Wesley Kennard who, after reading a 1886 article in the New York Daily Tribune about the kewl new craze that was sweeping Ohio, decided to team up with Ernest Christian Reiche, the local coffin maker, to begin mass-producing the boards and selling them to dumb schmucks. Kennard repeatedly attempted to patent the amazing concept of a fucking piece of wood, but was repeatedly struck down by the U.S. Patent Office due to how fucking stupid "his idea" was.

Kennard's pattern of failure continued on for several years until a local lawyer named Elijah Jefferson Bond took interest in Kennard's stiff board and decided to drag his sister-in-law Helen Augusta Peters Nosworthy, a supposed spiritual medium, down to the patent office to help them shill the product. Helen chose to show off the power of the board by asking it what its name was, to which the board replied "Ouija". When asked what "Ouija" meant, the board then replied "good luck". On February 10, 1891, Kennard was finally awarded his patent thanks to Helen's display of mental illness.

Unfortunately, Kennard was an utter fucking moron and soon allowed one of his employees named William Fuld to take over production of the boards. Fuld quickly began slapping his own name on the product and even began taking credit for Helen's interactions with the board. In the public eye, William Fuld was soon viewed as being "The Father of Ouija" despite the fact that he stole the idea from a guy who stole the idea from witches who stole the idea from the rice niggers.

Now realizing that he had missed a golden opportunity to make some serious ducats, Elijah Bond also attempted to enter the talking board market in 1907 by producing the boards under the brand name Nirvana and the business name of The Swastika Novelty Company. Unfortunately for Bond, he had already DUN GOOFED and the Ouija brand could not be overtaken.

Charles Wesley Kennard
Elijah Bond, The Almighty Sideburn God of Ouija
One of these is E.C. Reiche, we don't know nor care which one.
Helen Augusta Peters Nosworthy

How 2 Ouija

You ask the ghost questions while placing your hand on a moving piece called a planchette and the ghost "guides" your hand to the answer on the board, generally by spelling shit out. It should come as no surprise to you that this is total fucking bullshit, yet sadly, many people are stupid enough to believe it. Some argue that you can actually be possessed by a demon while playing this game, but anyone with half a brain in their head would easily identify this as complete nonsense. Overall the game is boring, time-consuming and has no real objective, it's just a board with the alphabet, numbers, and the words yes and no painted on it. If you even want to call this thing a "game", it's certainly not worth wasting your Jewgold on it. The normal people who actually bought the game were bitterly disappointed that they wasted their money.

But How Does It Work?

HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS! The game actually works because your "friend" that you're playing with is moving the planchette in an attempt to troll you, you daft bitch.

My Little Ouija: Witchcraft is Magick

	“	Ask the Questions Girls Want to Know	„
	——Ouija for Girls' tagline

In 2008, Hasbro decided to release a Toys Я Us exclusive pink Ouija set aimed at young girls. The set was priced at $19.99 and included 72 question cards and a pink carrying case. Naturally, Christian parents immediately began to flip their shit after realizing that Hasbro was attempting to lure their innocent, young daughters into joining the occult and communing with Lucifer himself and started to call for boycotts of Hasbro and Toys Я Us until the evil pieces of neon-pink plastic crap were removed from store shelves and doused with holy water.

	“	I am APPALLED. APPALLED that this product is being marketed to our precious daughters! This is like putting LIPSTICK ON A PIG! This is not an innocent game! This is not cute fun for little girls!	„
	——Pmann archive)

I̸̢̡̕Ţ̕͘͟ ̴̕͢͢͞W̶̸͢͠͝A̧̢͘͟͝S͏͘͞͡ ̧̧̛́͟N͝͞͝E̷͢V͢͠͞E̛͢͞Ŕ̕͘ ̛́͟J̴͢͝Ư̷̸͝͝S̨̀͠͝T̶̕͠ ̷̵́̕A͘҉ ̸͟͢͠G҉͡A͡͠M͘͜͠E͏̷̡̢

THIS WILL REALLY HAPPEN IF YOU OUIJA

List of Talking Boards

Other names for these overpriced pieces of kindling include:

Egyptian Luck Board
Hindoo Luck Board
Oracle
Mystifying Oracle
Oriole
Hasko Mystic Board
Hasko Mystic Tray
Buckland Spirit Board
Gypsie Suzie's Talking Board
The Olympia E.S.P. Board
The Mysterious Planchette
The Wireless=Messenger
Swami
Mystic
Velco - The Mystic Seer
Rajah - Far East Talking Board
Igili - The Marvelous Talking Board
Magic Marvel - The Wonder Answer Board
Yogee - The Amazing Answer Board
Cryptique: A Spirit Board From Salem, Massachusetts
The Angels Talk
WEED-JA

Trivia

The name Ouija originates from the French and German words for yes. Be a real Douche to everyone you know and pronounce it Wee-Yah then refer to the following factoid when they say you're pronouncing it wrong: Blindfolded, all people can produce on these boards is gibberish. No one has ever produced actual words on Ouija Boards in a scientific setting.