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Kiki Kannibal
At the height of her fame, Kiki Kannibal was a self-proclaimed 17 year old girl, internet celebrity, and attention whore from Illinois who now lives in Orlando, Florida. On the surface, she was just another raccoon-eyes, organic vegetarian, but her toxic personality, history of plagarism, and propensity for drama elevated her to become one of early web 2.0's most infamous figures. Most of Kiki's initial fame was conjured by means of Satan's own copy of Adobe Photoshop that she's managed to abuse a couple times after some of the revealing photos her daddy took began circulating, but she later sealed her popularity as one of the most attractive females on Stickam (which is like being the classiest crack whore in a Motel 6 parking lot). She is down right FUGLY without her makeup and fake hair as seen here and her self-proclaimed au-naturel look that involves makeup here. One of her many exes demonstrated the hideousness sans-makeup to Kiki's best friend with this picture. In an attempt to convince herself that she's not ugly, Kiki goes on twitter to comparing herself to irl celebrities that she actually doesn't look like at all. Her little sister rose to e-fame in her own right by shooping herself into an alien baby, and today, both sisters try desperately to milk their so-called internet fame even though it's long gone. After going through several failed (and sometimes illegally run) business ventures, attempts to break into modeling and entertainment, poorly thought-out trend-riding, sockpuppeting, and meltdowns, Kiki now lives a double life, wherein she alternates between pretending to be a New Age goddess and shitposting as anonymous on Lolcow.farm, obsessively shit-talking obscure jvlogger Taylor R., defending herself and her sister, accusing the admin and farmhands of conspiring against her, and spamming gore with semi-coherent ALL CAPS rambling.
LAWLZZZ L1K3 ITZ KIKIKANNIBALLLL Z0MGZZZ
Kiki's real name is Kirsten Ostrenga, and she first gained attention from the Internet at the age of 14 when pictures of herself in revealing scene attire and raccoon-striped hair began to circulate. In her first of many acts of hubris, she claimed to have "brought stripes back" into style. This caused a stir, as Motley Crue, Juggalos, Pedo Dahvie, most scenewhores in general, and Muriel the Merpony (see photo) had all been wearing stripes. Regardless Kiki's hair was serious fucking business to her, and anyone who put stripes in their hair, be they vertical or horizontal, was obviously copying her. After all, Kiki has been doing fug-stripes for at least 100 years according to her (or maybe 2-3 years according to reality) and styles it with bleach, a rake, and her daddy's cum. Despite Kiki's obsession with her stripes, interwebs chatter revealed that Kiki's hideous coon tails may never have actually existed, but were simply a mirage brought to us by the miracle of Adobe Photoshop. Credence is given to this theory by the fact that she never donned the stripes in any of the shit videos or stickam livestreams she made of herself acting like a 12 year old dumbfuck on YouTube. Of course, any debate of this topic would invoke a visit from the Scene Queen herself, who would adamantly insist that they're real.
Kiki has no IRL friends, which is typical of most internet users. Legend has it that her mullet devours all subjects of friendship before Kiki can develop any social bond with them. She also believes that The Man, the government, the FBI, and about every other fucking person on the face of the Earth is out to get her and bring her down. Of course, she'd probably be right if she were a minority, but nay, she's a white bitch from the 'burbs who talks in poor slang in an attempt to become the next Lexi Bee. Ever self-focused, Kiki accuses her h8rs of clearly being obsessed with her, though in reality, most of them simply find her explosive anger and failed ventures funny. Similarly, Kiki operates under the belief that all men who look upon her are instantly dazzled by her beauty, which causes her to fear leaving the house lest she be stalked or sexually assaulted. In Kiki's heyday, just one comment or post that doubted Kiki's perfection, intelligence, and creativity would always end in BAW, making her an easy and popular target for rabble-rousers of all sorts.
OMG PARENTAL DRAMA
Since Kiki's parents, like those of many other dumb e-whores, failed at raising their daughter with a sense of shame and self-respect, they now try to gain all those years of childhood misguidance back by arguing on the internet with anyone who dare speak down on their beloved little girl. Fighting Kiki's battles for her does not always prevail, and she simply blocks anyone who dares get in the way of her quest for Epic World Domination.
The one thing that they could not block, however, was the nude photo that somehow leaked onto Buzznet last Thursday. Kiki insisted that the government had posted the picture, because she will never own up to the fact that she is a cheap slut who was, is, and will always be 100% asking for it. And Pedobear was happy.
In late 2010, Kiki Kannibal and her equally snobby, anorexic sister Dakota Ostrenga proved their fuckery of a life and their parents' terrible parenting by having a domestic dispute that involved the police.
In early 2011, the Ostrengas were pressing for any chance of recognition for Kiki, so they reached out to Rolling Stone Magazine to tell the story of how their daughter was helplessly launched into the spotlight and became a victim of cyberbullies. RS mentioned Kiki's desperation for online fame even after her path drove her shitty parents into bankruptcy and foreclosure, quoting her: "If you take me off the Internet, the bullies will win." Furthermore, the magaine was quick to claim one of Kiki's former boyfriends (now dead) was a rapist, regardless of the fact that Cathy Ostrenga had already been caught lying in official documents. That said, given that the man died trying to escape the cops trying to arrest him for statutory rape by jumping from the second story of a parking garage, this allegation is likely true. The article painted a sympathetic portrait of Kiki, but most of the article's comments saw through the Ostrengas' crocodile tears and blamed failed parenting for the girl's plight. Kirsten tried to get her supporters to defend her against the meanies telling lies, but nobody bothered to do so. Naturally, the torrent of call-outs upset the litigation-loving Cathy Ostrenga, who had RS remove truthful comments and eventually suspend comments entirely. Remnants of the evidence used on the article's comments still exist, though Cathy has gone through the depths of the internet to get her daughter's own wrong-doings baleeted, claiming copyright infringement on behalf of some dead-end, laughable 'company' called Kiki Kannibal Korporation. Obsessed with curating Kiki's online presence and reputation, Cathy Ostrenga later tried to enlist a livejournal snark community that is notorious for calling Kirsten out on her bullshit to help her build a case against notorious attention whore Chris Stone, who had been pestering Kiki, but she was met with mockery.
Veganism
In addition to being pro-ana, Kiki is also an outspoken vegetarian, and frequently uses social media to pontificate about how cruel we are to the animals. Unfortunately, she has not realized yet that all of her fans are either retarded or too busy fapping at her loli pics to care about what she has to say.
As posted in her old Stickam profile, which nobody reads since they immediately enter her room and ask for tits:
—Fuck your preachy bullshit, veggie-fag | ||
It's still technically up for debate the way in which she is more of an ironic champion of hypocrisy: decrying being a carnivore while calling herself KIKI FUCKING KANNIBALL, or given her discussion on ex-boyfriends, LOL, her love of at least one kind of meat.
How To Whore Out Your Children For Fun and Profit
There have been various rumors floating around that Kiki's parents support and approve of her internet whoredom, and now these rumors have been proven as absolute fact. Kiki's parents, Scott R. Ostrenga and Cathy L. Ostrenga, incorporated the "Kiki Kannibal Corporation" in 2007. If Kiki was indeed 17 then, this means that they made a conscious and intentional decision to start exploiting their daughter online when she was 13 FUCKING YEARS OLD.
[pictures missing]
Unfortunately for the Ostrengas, the brainstorm of pimping out their daughter online may have come a little too late. All those pro-ana t-shirt sales still weren't quite enough to keep their house from getting foreclosed on.
Financial Crisis: The Ostrengas Are Broke
Cathy Ostrenga's obsession is too focused on deleting her daughters' online asshatness that Cathy and Scott Ostrenga didn't realise their financial court records are published online for the world to see. 2010 marked the year that the internet laughed when the Ostrengas sacrificed their non-existent dignity to a delusional internet dream for their daughters by filing bankruptcy and having their home foreclosed after paying a pathetic $11,500 on their house. They further proved they had no concept of money and real life by becoming too retarded to mow their lawn, which landed them more hefty fines. Though 2010 was a golden year for the Ostrengas' finances, they'd actually began their financial retardation in 2006 after they forgot how to pay for a $1,000 hospital bill that Kiki racked up from poor nutrition and starving her body at her mother's demand. The Ostrenga family is currently mooching off one of their relatives, while Kirsten Ostrenga and Dakota Ostrenga continue spending their father's negative amount of money to purchase designer clothes and instruments only so Kiki can update her twitter about it. Kiki tried to defend her unnecessary spending by going out and purchasing a vintage camera that she doesn't know how to use and then going on Tumblr to ask for donations because her life sucks. Regardless that Kiki is an adult, she refuses to get a real job and start earning honest money, instead she's still spending her family's lack of money to buy items at wholesale, only to fail at selling it at 150% the retail price in her scene kid online shop that nobody cares about because it's 2011.
Failed Ventures
Jewelry
After huffin' jenkem one time too many, Kiki decided to make profit from the stupidity of her fantards by cutting up some plastic and gluing sparklies to it, so as to attract the retards that call themselves her fans. She then called it jewelry, made a website for it, and tried to sell it for shitloads off cash. Next, she thought that she would claim her jewelry is durable and unbreakable, with is obviously bullshit because bedazzling plastic doesn't make it unable to survive a fall off a desk, much less be bulletproof. After numerous complaints about the quality of the jewelry, as well as allegations that she was selling crafts produced by others against their wishes, Kiki closed shop and moved onto her next failed ventures.
Music
For a time, Kiki liked to think of herself as a budding musician with a potential career ahead of her, which of course anyone with an IQ above 70 can see is bullshit. Undoubtedly spending more of Daddy's lack of money on her venture, Kiki finally released the noise of dying cows in mid-2011 under the name Kiki Mimieux. She had spent months building up anticipation from her ass-suckers claiming she couldn't give away any details of her dying cows because she didn't want anyone to steal her flawless, Russian-Irish, toucan, Angelina Jolie, vintage vegan ideas. She had big plans for her dying cows, and even created a faux-VEVO youtube account in hopes people would think it's real. The first song she released was an insulting Nancy Sinatra cover on top of a karaoke track. Not long after, she put more try-hard dying cows on the internet in a failed attempt to sound like CocoRosie, and everyone told her to fuck off. After she couldn't figure out how stupid she was, in late 2011 she hopped on the dub-step trend-wagon and released more noise she let her autistic brother make in fruityloops and garageband under the name IDORU. People laughed, and soon noticed that her song 'Space Vampyres' contained copyrighted material she had stolen from a Silent Hill track. Kiki is too desperate to make $100 by selling stolen music on itunes that she tried to justify her theft by using google wrong. She eventually baleeted her tweets because she was wrong and wanted to make her $100.
Drug Use
Kiki likes to excuse almost every part of her that is hypocritical, which is pretty much all of her, so it is no surprise to see her condoning the use of Salvia considering she is allegidly 'anti-drug-use'. "And I know salvia is legal, the herb is in some of my Chinese medicines that I take to regulate blood stagnation and painful menses."
Sure, Kiki, 'Chinese medicines'.
See Also
External links
- Kiki's website
- Kiki's Buzznet
- Kiki's twitter
- Kiki's Stickam Profile - A troll's goldmine.
- Kiki's Music
- HOW TO EPIC FAIL
- Kiki gets her own Rolling Stones article
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Kiki Kannibal is part of a series on Visit the Whores Portal for complete coverage. |
