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Revision as of 19:15, 26 January 2014 by imported>Mr Jonzz
James Bond is a fictional character originally created by British author and notable alcoholic Ian Fleming. On April 5 1958 the New Statesman published a review entitled "Sex, snobbery and sadism" [1], a section of which reads as follows;
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The plot can be briefly described. James Bond, an upper-class Secret Service Agent, is sent by his sadistic superior, M., to Jamaica, to investigate strange incidents on a nearby island. By page 53, Bond's bodyguard, a faithful and brutal Negro called Quarrel, is already at work, twisting the arms of a Chinese girl to breaking point. She gouges his face with a broken flash bulb, and in return, he smilingly squeezes the fleshy part of her thumb (described by Fleming as the 'Mount of Venus', because if it is well-developed then the girl is 'good in bed') until she screams. ('She's Love Moun' be sore long after ma face done get healed', chortles Quarrel.) Next, Bond's mysterious enemies attempt to poison her with cyanide loaded jenkem, and then insert a six-inch long venomous centipede in her vagina. (She could feel it nuzzling at her skin. It was drinking! Drinking the beads of lady juice!').
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The book immediately soared to the top of the charts, and has been a favourite on the exam syllabus of English schools ever since.
Dr. No: The first film of the series remains fairly true to the original text, Bond and Ursula Andress get raped by cane-carrying Black guys in Jamaica and go on to fuck up the shit of a Chinese-German doctor with metal hands.
From Russia with Love: The second film introduces Blofeld who is extremely upset about the death of his good friend Dr. No, he unsuccessfully tries to kill Bond and set up a political sex scandal. It features Robert Shaw as a relatively badass mercenary but he dies after being violently manhandled by Bond.
Goldfinger: The titular villain is a fat Nazi with a thinly veiled sexual fetish for gold whose plan is to irradiate Fort Knox with a nuclear bomb so that his own gold supplies will rise astronomically in value. He is thwarted as a result of Bond sucessfully curing key henchwoman Pussy Galore of her lesbianism with a good old fashioned hard British dicking.
Thunderball: A crazy Italian with an eyepatch jacks two nukes, he ends up dead and and Bond once again works his way into the pants of the mistress to save the day.
You Only Live Twice: Bond goes native in Japan whilst hunting Ernst Stavro Blofeld, going so far as to marry a native fisherwoman. Blofelds face is seen for the first time.
On Her Majesty's Secret Service: George Lazenby replaced Connery as Bond and Telly 'Kojak' Savalas became Blofeld, portraying him a pedophile who had chopped off his own earlobes. Bond finds true love and marries a Mafia bosses daughter after banging his way through a mountain-top stronghold/brothel only for his new bride to then be shot in the head as they set off in the car on their honeymoon.
Diamonds are Forever: Features two gay assassins who are beaten in a handwave by Bond and a silly Moon Buggy chase which proves that the NASA "Moon Landing" was a hoax.
• Fact: Shirley Bassey was told to think about a penis whilst singing the theme song.
Live and Let Die: Accurately depicts niggers as the superstisious sub-human animals that they are. Bestiality is also shown as Bond fucks his hideously negrotic CIA liason Rosie Carver.
The Man with the Golden Gun: Bond comes up against Christopher Lee, an assassin who "cums just before the kill" in order to steady his aim. Herve Villachez appears as his psychotically homosexual midget butler.
The Spy Who Loved Me: A decent outing which introduces Jaws a henchman with Steel teeth. Bond combats a camp old man in his admittedly impressive underwater base.
Moonraker: A poorly concieved attempt to cash in on the hype surrounding space following the release of Star Wars this bears little resemblence to the original text and Moore is clearely starting to show his age by this point.
For Your Eyes Only: Bond heads to Greece to stop commie Greeks from hijacking a submarine code. Half decent, considering the last film was total fucking garbage.
Octopussy: This again bears little connection to the original text, other than the mildly amusing title there is little enjoyment to be gleaned from exposure to this offering in the series.
A View to a Kill: Moore is by now nearly fossilised and any intimacy depicted between him and the female cast borders on the creepy. Christopher Walken stars as the villain, Max Zorin, whose enhanced strength and mental ability is the result of a Nazi eugenics program; Grace Jones appears as his personal assistant/assassin, no doubt his father would be disappoint.
The Living Daylights: After a hiatus of some years the series returned with a new 'edgier' Bond as portrayed by the classically trained stage actor Timothy Dalton. It is widely considered by aficionados to be a return to form.
Licence to Kill: The second title to feature Dalton went up against Indiana Jones and Batman at the box-office and lost although it is quite a lulzy film. Bond emoquits his job after his superiors refuse to allow him to go after the international druglord responsible for having his best friend Felix Leiter fed alive to sharks on his wedding day.
Goldeneye:
Tomorrow Never Dies: A sub-standard title in every respect, the tall retard from Downfall appears, that's about it.
The World is not Enough: Bad acting and a generic plot, even the presence of Sophie Marceau who is emminently fappable can't save it.
Die Another Day: So many explosions you'd mistake this for a Michael Bay movie. John Cleese is revealed to be an unfunny faggot after all. Why couldn't they hire Tim Curry as "Q"?
Casino Royale: Daniel Craig makes his debut in what is essentially a two hour film about a card game although towards the end Bond does get tied to a chair naked and his balls are repeatedly spanked with a length of knotted rope, which is pretty damn hot.
Quantum of Solace: Thanks to the Writer's Guildstrike Daniel Craig and Marc Forster were forced to write most of the script which probably accounts for it being so shit. It is possibly one of the most violent films in the series.
Skyfall: M dies and is replaced by Lord Voldemort. What else is there to say?
