Ashley Madison

BREAKING NEWS!!
Holy shit! Ashley Madison got h4x0red by Impact Team!!!11!!

	“	Life is short, have an affair	„
	—Ashley Madison website slogan.

	“	And after your affair, get your credit card info, IRL name, and street address posted on the internet by hackers.	„
	—The unofficial Ashley Madison website slogan

Ashley Madison is a website which was founded by Noel Biderman^✡ in 2001 with the sole purpose of shamelessly promoting adultery. Basically, the site's primary function is to go about breaking families and couples apart, all the while profiting off of the resulting pain and suffering and conflicts between the parties. The best part: Ashley Madison has been endorsed by practically every daytime talk show and celebrity, including The View, Ellen Degeneres, Dr. Phil, Good Morning America, Tyra Banks, and many others (Keep in mind that most of these shows tend to promote wholesome family values, and the irony should be pretty clear). Even Larry King gave the website his hearty seal-of-approval. Surprisingly, the media has taken fairly well to the website, with commercials airing on several major TV networks. Now that you're familiar with the site, the next questions on your mind are probably, "how does it work?" and "is there any chance hackers will find my pathetic attempts at infidelity and expose me?" Don't worry, you came to the right place for answers.

Getting Started

Unless you have a fuckload of money, Ashley Madison is probably out of your price range. The site works on a credit system, with 1000 credits costing $249. To get in contact with someone, you have to use some of your credits before even sending them a message, and hope that they aren't one of the many trolls on the site who make accounts purely to fuck people over and steal their money like any money-grabbing Jew would, or one of the thousands of botted accounts which will message you immediately once you register an account. Assuming you've purchased the site's shitty premium membership, and also managed to find somebody relatively interesting and attractive, Ashley Madison does everything it can to hinder the relationship, first by forcing you to post a picture of yourself on your profile (if you're on Ashley Madison, there's no way in hell you're even remotely attractive to begin with) and second, by continuing to charge you for each message which you send to other people. The worst part is that any message you send is probably either going to a bot or to a greasy Chinese man sitting in the basement of a spark plug factory. All in all, the website is a cheap gimmick founded solely on the premise of making money off of people who are too unattractive to get a date irl, while also promising kinky, wild sex with their "female" members.

Ashley Madison Users

The site itself is primarily composed of five types of users:

Legitimate Swingers: These are the fat, middle-aged losers who are at the end of their rope(s), and are hoping to find one last glimmer of passion in their lives before age sentences their wives to flabbiness and incontinence. Desperate doesn't even begin to describe these douches; basically, imagine a lonely, balding obese man with gigantic, square-rimmed glasses who is so desperate for action that he would pay $250 for a prostitute, and you've already got a good idea of what these mouth-breathers are generally like.

Cougars: These lonely female panthers are typically unsatisfied with their husband or lover's tiny cock, and join Ashley Madison seeking a man who looks like the guy on the Brawny towels. These bitches will do just about anything to get a younger guy in the sack, which includes flashing their wrinkly tits and bone-dry va-jay-jays for the camera.

Trolls: Since you don't need to pay to sign up for an Ashley Madison account, lots of Trolls make fake accounts and post ridiculously erotic pics so that the Swingers and Cougars will waste all of their credits desperately trying to get some action.

Vindictive Lovers: Ashley Madison really isn't all too much of a secret, so it's become fairly common for one partner in a relationship to create an account solely to see if the other partner is trying to cheat on him or her. Frankly, the entire situation seems pretty retarded; if you legitimately think your partner is cheating on you, acting like a little bitch and snooping around on a website with millions of users isn't going to solve your problems.

Bots: Though not technically real users, these bots have been known to make accounts and spam your inbox with a fuckload of junk mail. Most of this junk mail consists of 'get laid tonight', 'fuck a fat black chick', 'ugly and horny chicks wanna fuck', amongst other foolhardy shit like that. Some of the real users actually fall into the 'bot-trap' and end up sending a ton of messages to these automated systems. When they get no reply (it's a bot, dumbass), they send even more messages, until they get so pissed that they violently withdraw from the site.

How to Troll Ashley Madison Users

Aside from the obvious tactic of creating a fake account with a hot girl's pic and simply not replying to any messages, there are several humorous tactics for fucking with Ashley Madison fags:

The ol' bait and switch tactic: Once someone has contacted you, get all possible information out of them, including address and telephone, and then contact his or her partner, and tip them off to the place where you would have arranged to meet with the faggot who initially contacted you. Imagine the dumbstruck look on his or her face when they are greeted not by a seductive young slut, but instead by the partner whom they had been planning to disgrace. Lulz, assuredly, will ensue.

The White Knight Approach: Assuming you have the money to pay for an account, send out mass messages to random people, claiming that you are their spouse or partner, and are extremely disappointed in him/her for going behind your back and trying to cheat on you. Alternatively, you can also send out messages claiming to be a friend of someone's spouse or partner, and suggest that you will let them know about their attempted shenanigans if they don't admit the truth to their partners.

The Misinformation tactic: Send a message to a horny swinger claiming to be a luscious, young (and extremely vulnerable) teenage girl. Arrange to meet in a public setting where many people will be around to witness any potential events unfolding (yourself included). Now, convince either a gay friend or an extremely large and intimidating male friend (bonus points if he's black) to meet the guy and claim to be the girl from the website. Note: This prank works even better the more gay friends you get in on it; one gay guy sitting down at a guy's table can ruin his night, but ten gay guys sitting down at a guy's table might actually make him question his own sexuality.

2015 Hacking

	“	It’s unclear how much of the AshleyMadison user account data has been posted online. For now, it appears the hackers have published a relatively small percentage of AshleyMadison user account data and are planning to publish more for each day the company stays online. As with most things on the internet, Ashley Madison is not without its fair share of criticisms. One website in particular, AshleyMadisonSucks.com, has documented many of the different stories which disgruntled patrons of the site have had to share...	„
	—Ashley Madison's false sense of security.

In 2015, the site got hacked by a group calling themselves "Impact Team." They threatened to release data on each one of AM's millions of users for every day that the site stays online. How they hacked the site exactly is unknown; however, it doesn't take a genius to tell that site's security is total shit, and the Jews running this shit-show were too stupid to improve the protection. The reason why Impact Team even bothered is mainly because of Ashley's "full delete" option. For a mere 19 shekels, you can completely wipe away all of your data and no one would ever know you were there. Only it doesn't. All of their purchase history, which includes real names, addresses and credit cards, which also leads to their profiles full of their various sexual fantasies, aren't wiped away, and that's exactly what's crippling AM. IT revealed that this lie netted Ashley close to 2 million Jew Golds, and had proof that the things that people most wanted gone... Wasn't gone.

So if AM and Established Men(A prostitute ring/human trafficking site for the 1%) doesn't get taken down, more records will be revealed and the affected peoples' sex lives are going to get a lot more quiet. It's just further proof that any website can put the "SSL Secure Website" sticker on it and claim they're the most secure, hackproof site on the webs.

An Ultimatum from the Impact Team

When they hacked the site, the Impact Team put up a message on the main page, threatening to release all customer and company information out into the public if they did not comply. The message reads:

AM AND EM MUST SHUT DOWN
IMMEDIATELY PERMANENTLY
We are the Impact Team.

We have taken over all systems in your entire office and production domains,
all customer information databases, source code repositories, financial records, and emails.

Shutting down AM and EM will cost you, but non-compliance will cost you more:
we will release all customer records, profiles with all of the customers' secret
sexual fantasies, nude pictures, conversations, and matching credit card
transactions, real names and addresses, and employee documents and emails.
Avid Life Media will be liable for fraud and extreme harm to millions of users.

Quotes

	“	*I actually did put up a profile with a 5'4" 210lb middle-aged man with weird fetishes, and got interested messages... hmm... scam and cheese sandwich anyone?	„
	—*Some Lonely Fat Fag

	“	*You mean the cute little 19-yr old blonde that wants to do all kinds of sweet things to my 55 yr old body plus watch sports on TV isn't real? And the email notifications from profiles that don't exist aren't just anomalies? So when I went to pay money online via credit card -- I noticed the payment page wasn't (isn't) on a secure server.	„
	—*"J"

	“	*AM is a scam. They have people working for them. They study your profile & they initiate contact. Once you respond, you get nothing. Most of the members you contact (after showing interest in you), they vanish!! The pics from the "private showcase" are fake. Some pics are used by more than one female member. Other pics don't even belong to that person you contacted. The women look skinny in the profile pic & then the private pics belong to heavier women!!	„
	—*By 'heavier', I believe she means lardlier.