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| | | #REDIRECT [[Gears Of War]] |
| [[Image:Gearsheadshot!.jpg|thumb|What I Expected...]] | |
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| [[Image:ShitGOW2.jpg|thumb|What I got.]]
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| [[Image:Gearsofwar.jpg|thumb|You wish you had this kind of gameplay on your Wii.]]
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| [[Image:Gears_of_Gay.jpg|thumb|A typical scene in ''Gears of War''.]]
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| [[File:Gearsfan.jpg|thumb|A typical fan of ''Gears of War''.]]
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| [[Image:Gears_of_war_graphics_improv.jpg|thumb|The games transition from lifeless, deterrent gray, to some shittier shade of brown .]]
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| [[Image:Hownextgengamesaremade.jpg|thumb|No matter how gay this comic is, it still properly describes how ''Gears Of War'' looks.]]
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| [[Image:Gears.jpg|thumb|Gears caters for every ethnic group accurately.]]
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| [[Image:Obamatrain.jpg|right|thumb|Cliche's can bring [[Obama|change]] amirite????]]
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| '''''Gears Of War''''' ([[Old Meme|moar liek ''Queers of War'', amirite]]?) is a game based off the popular webseries [http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/359243 ''Queers Of War'']. Following a similar storyline, the story features two [[Fags|gay lovers]] on their quest to kill a bunch of [[Centipede filled vagina|overgrown worms]], save the world, and spend their days together in love. The game found notoriety when it was the first game for the [[Xbox 360]] that anyone liked [[EVAR]]. It was dubbed a success when every ''[[Halo]]'' [[fanboy]] bought it, causing the creators to [[ROFL|rofl]] at how much everyone [[fapped|cared]] about their shitty overrated game.
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| ==Development Team Epic Fail Games==
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| [[Bullshit|Doctor]] Mike black person [[Lemon Party|El Presidento]] ala [[Failboat|Failgames inc]].
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| [[Lie|Dr.]] black person on the [[Faux News|Associated Press]]: {{quote|[[Unfunny|FUCK ALL OUR CUSTOMERS ARR, ME AND MY NIGRA'S ARE RICHER NOW PUSSIES, GOODLUCK HAVING FUN ON QUEERS OF WHORE 2!]]|}}
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| Clifford [[Cum|Foamy]] [[Buttsex|Buttsecks]] - Lead [[Fail|Fail]] Designer over at [[Fail|Epic Games]]:
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| {{quote|[[I did it for the lulz|We made this game for the EPIC lulz loli's!!!!]]|}}
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| [[Cock|Rod]] [[Furry|Furryson]]- Another Lead Fail Designer [[Rage|FFFFFFFFUUUUUUU]].
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| Chadwardenn- Community Organizer AKA [[Chadwardenn|Deal Dough]].
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| [[Slap Chop|Vince]]- Lead [[Fairy|Pimp]] @ Epic Studios brings all the [[13 year old boys|Hookers]] with his [[Slap Chop|NUTS!!!]] Built all of the [[Gay|gay]] shit in Queers of Whore 2, Thanks [[faggot]]!
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| [[Lulz Killer|????]]- Makes all of the gay shit in Queers of Whore 2 including the Dom and Marcus [[Hawt|Hot Coffee mod]] which made the [[Virgin|permavirgins]] upset.
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| {{quote|I did it for the anti-lulz!|[[Unfunny|I c what u did there]]}}
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| [[Joe Biden|Joe]]- [[Diabeetus|Hardcore Programmer]] for the [[Basement Dweller|hardcore fans]], [[Jews did WTC|he's responsible for WTC!!]]
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| ==Graphics==
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| [[shit|''Gears of War'' has been praised for its graphics and they're supposedly the latest definition of next-gen. But all they really did was use two colors, shit and gray shit, kind of cheating when you barely use the palette, right?]]
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| MOAR Realistic [[9/11|Fire Effects!]] MOAR boarder jumping [[Mexicans|Locusts!!]] invading yo place stealin all of yo [[vagina|Shit!!]]
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| "One Day I can imagine playing Gears of War 2, jizzing in my pants when I see that first headshot! Fuck yeaa!" - Alehondro Rodriguez.
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| No Permavirgin Fuck [[You|YOU!]]
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| With the New [[conspiracy|Unreal Engine 3]] [[Jews|game developers]] are allowed to make bett3r Gaphix and more shit to [[aids|get hyphy over!]]
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| Epic Games [[shit|created]] a [[gay|beautiful]] game with great [[shit nobody cares about|graphix]] and lots of [[hackers|fun!]]
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| ==Characters==
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| '''Marcus Phoenix''' - Your main character is Marcus. A big angry [[American|American]] fucking hero with bulging tumor like muscles who must scream like a rabid beast at everyone. Pretty much a Leonidas rip off. Marcus spent so much time getting [[butthurt]] in jail, that he now kills and conquers anything that is different from him. So basically we ( [[God's Children|people who matter]] ) can relate to this glorious white supremacist.
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| '''Dominic Santiago''' - Same shit except useless because he's a spic and usually runs to the nearest locust bitch and impregnates her. This is to further spread his horrible brown plague to another species hoping it will create a lazier race that will end the war and probably lower their property value. In the second game Dom turns from Quiet riot, into crybaby little bitch, due to his [[Whore|Bitch]] wife getting captured by the locust forces, Dom looks alot like [[Wolverine]]
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| '''Augustus "Cole Train" Cole''' - He is the epitome of the American ape in its natural habitat. Jumping around, being cocky, and raping and killing the beautiful white monsters. Clearly he is a role model for all young [[black]] men to follow and look up to. Cole is known for being an unstoppable one man army, despite his A.I being worse than the average [[xbox]]live gamer.
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| '''Damon Baird''' - Whiney, annoying, uptight, little grease 'n pimple faced shitbag, Who also doubles as the team's [[Engineer]] and [[sex]]-slave. Baird is basically just [[Anon]], in the future, carrying a chainsaw rifle, and without being a [[fat]] Fucking [[basement dweller]], In the second game, absolutely nothing has changed.
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| '''Dizzy Wailin''' - Texan repair man / driver. Dizzy is a COG slave forced to [[sex|Crew their tanks]] and [[Hooker|Reel in the cash]], Dizzy has a Cowboy hat and an old 70's pistol, despite this game being set [[over 9000]] years into the future, he basically looks like that toothless old tramp you see busking outside your local MacD's every friday night.
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| '''Tai Calisto''' - A [[Fat]], white, retarded version of Mr. fuck face covered with fake tribal tattos. Tai beleaves himself to have some vague form of magic other-worldly powers that prevent him from death. but that theory is soon put to rest upon his unexpected [[An Hero|self-pwn|]] upon the Locust slave-ship.
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| '''Benjamin / Anthony Carmine''' - Take the whitest, [[You|most nerdy motherfucker you know]], and double his [[geek]] levels. No wait, fucking triple them. Upon doing so, said person will only be a fraction of the [[faggot]] that Carmine has always been. In each game they release, a new memeber of the Carmine family joins the Delta sqaud, and likewise, he promptly gets himself fucking sniped, or eaten, or burned to death, or whatever tom and jerry bullshit the dev's can come up with.
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| '''Victor Hoffman''' - Generic all [[american]] hero, and leader of the COG's military forces. he looks alot like Major chip hazard, from "Toy soilders", He is also a closet homo. But then again: so is everyone in the army
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| ==Weapons==
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| The weapons in this game really do bring the game to life, as nearly every weapon can kill someone in [[Pwned|one shot]]. The creators probably made it this way so teams would have to work together on [[Xbox Live]], but since everyone on Xbox live is a [[13-year-old boy|13 year old racist]], [[Noone|no one]] does and simply uses the [[Newbie|shotgun]]. This makes killing said 13 year old [[Racist|racists]] with other guns all the [[lulz|lulzier]]. The only weapons not to follow the said trend are the rifles that both the teams get which do pretty much no damage at all and take over 9.000 shots to kill anyone!
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| Another notable feature is that your main gun has a chainsaw on the end of it. It's [[ZOMG]] awesome of the most [[epic]] kind, even though it's useless and only n00bs who don't know how to play [[Goatse|get caught in it]].
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| If you're so noble as to play "fair", then according to everyone that plays ''Gears of War'', you can only use the smoke grenade and nothing else. Otherwise, you're cheating if you [[pwn|headshot]] someone across the map when they obviously [[Fail|shot you with their shotgun.]]
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| Some notable gears weaponry being:
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| '''The [[Awesome|Lancer]]''' - The [[Cock|COGS]] infantry rifle. The only unique and creative weapon in the game. and even then: it's just a rifle and a chainsaw, ripped straight out of [[Lolwut|Evil dead]]. In the first game, the instant killing chainsaw attack was the cause of much online [[butthurt]], dispite it being extremely easy to counter / dodge, and leaves the user completely defenceless. In the most recent [[game]], two players wielding this weapon can engage in "Chainsaw Duels" where you must [[RAGE|MASH THE FUCKING B BUTTON AS HARD AND FAST AS YOU CAN, FGT]] only to end up losing the duel anyway, and [[Bawww|bitching]] over the mic about it.
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| '''The [[Banhammer|Hammerburst]]''' - The Locust's basic footsoilders gun. In the Original, this weapon fired concentrated bursts of locust bullets, forcing players to use some vague levels of aiming and [[skill]] to actually kill anything with it. in the right hands this weapon was deadly. but of course, the crybaby little [[faggots]] on Xbox live didn't like this, so the gun was remade into a simple spray and pray machine gun that even the most retarded of children can use effectively, as seen in: every shooter game ever. The only problem being: it's very slow, and has almost no ammo clip. fucking [[newfags]]
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| '''[[lulz|The Hammer of dawn]]''' - The COG strike and destroy weapon. Upon aiming the barely visible crosshair at your distant target, with the button held firmy down, the Gears can call upon a mighty space lazer to blast their foes into little chunks of white shit, also, for whatever reason this gun is the only weapon in [[the game]] that requires THREE [[melee]] hits to down another player. as if [[Fag|Anybody]] would attempt to melee with the second longest range weapon in the game.
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| '''[[Fag|Frag]] / [[Shit|Ink]] / [[Lulz|Smoke]] Grenade''' - The most fun you'll have in the entire game. This is the developers way of subtly [[trolling]] the [[retarded]] children that play this game online.
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| The Frag grenade is the generic blast bomb, ignore it. its [[boring]].
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| The Ink Grenade explodes on the spot it lands, covering the area with a thick cloud of oil and shit, anyone caught inside will choke and die. [[Some argue|many players argue]] that the Ink is the least useful of the three due to the fact that one has to simply move out of the cloud.
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| <s>The Smoke grenade causes anyone caught in the blast to be send flying backwards [[over 9000]] feet. lots of lulz can be found in doing this.</s> UPDATED! [[Last Thursday]] the ''Gears of War'' multiplayer made it so that when the Somke grenade goes off, you cover your head and stand there frozen with your ass turned toward the sky waiting to be buttfucked by God or whoever shoves a shotgun up your asshole first.
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| More importantly, ALL of these can be "tagged" to a player by meleeing them with the grenade equiped, after three seconds the 'nade detonates, and it's effects are passed on to anyone within range of the tagged [[noob]], as you can guess, much [[butthurt]] can be created.
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| '''[[RAGE|Torque bow]]''' - This gun take as much skill to master as it does to learn to walk. SUPAR GRATE FEATURES INCLUDE: 3 second charge up. Instant kill if you hit anyone anywhere, and if your a massive faggot, you can bounce the arrow off of a wall and hit someone.
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| '''[[Fail|Everything else]]''' - Everything else in gears is The Expected, boring, generic [[gay]] weapons, such as [[Shit nobody cares about|The Sniper, The rocket launcher, the THREE types of pistol, the shotgun, the other shotgun, the mortar, the machine gun, and the penis]].
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| * It should be noted that people actually make a shitload of montages using the sniper and get "famous" off of it. It is believed that o Like Butter o 's ePenis surpasses even Longcat in length.
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| ==Story==
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| One day Marcus was in jail. and Dom was all liek, Marcus, this blows ass. ur free now. and Marcus was like, Dom lets killthe locusts because guns. and Dom was like yeab Marcus that ruls. here take lucost gun.
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| and then they ascaped.
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| then, a bridge fell down, and they ran to ROFLcopter and escaped before a spider could ate htem.
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| then, Marcus meta hot chicks named Anya. and she sexed him in the ROFLcoptr. they landed and it was owkwurd becuase kernel Hoffman was there and he was her father and he was all liek, Marcus, you give me 90$ fenis. and find the resonator. it knows the locust and we can lightbomb them with white stuff. and Marcus was like, no Hoffman i give you 110 dollars but i'm not doing this you.l
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| then, the next day, they found a col tran and Kim died because dodge ram sworded him through the chest. Marcus cried a manly tear. carmine also died somhow through the face hole. butmauybe he wasent actually dead.........
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| then they went around lookin for the resonatr but cuoldn't find it because they it becam dark. os the bats came out and started trying to chop them. they excaped to the new car and drove it to the undterground tunnels to actavate the resanator. then they kills som thern gards and escapd. but it didn't work somehow. but markus new that there was maps with his dads stuff.
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| they all went to marcuses dads home and found some sweet data computers about the tunnels. so they went back to hte train and put the computer on the bomb. but htejnn dodge rammm appeard and said FOR THE QUEEN and markus was like, fuck, this is a hard bitch of boss. and Dom was liek, no use the torkque bowq. and then it almost asploded but they jumped to a helicopter, and Hoffman was liek , Marcus, i like you. you can come to myhouse and fuck my daughter.
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| and he did.
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| end.
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| ==Multiplayer==
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| The online experience is automatically better than single player, since single player is [[Shit|mediocre]]. Don't let this fool you though, since multiplayer is still [[Gay|gayer than the YMCA]].
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| Multiplayer requires a team of Gears and a team of Locust to go and kill each other in [[shit|awesome]] maps that all look [[Crap|the same]] with the same [[crap|kickass]] weapon for a [[OVER 9000|few]] hours. It's not the epitome of playing games online on Xbox Live, and if you have it you are deemed a [[faggot]].
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| Aside from this, it is also [[Hacker|glitched to hell]], and lacks any [[EPIC FAIL| client side hit detection]], forcing dumbasses everywhere to [[retarded|purposely miss to account for lag and actually hit somebody]]. The host of a match will get "host shotgun", which means his shotgun will fire [[Lag|0.00000000001 seconds]] faster than your shotgun. This will lead every player on the opposing team to bitch and moan about this minor advantage until the game ends or they manage to get a kill. [[13-year-old boy|Most people]] agree that if you are [[Lulz|killed by another player wielding a shotgun,]] that person has host and is an utter fag. You can also [[Nobody gives a shit|run faster with another glitch, chainsaw yourself, rapid fire sniper rifle and even jump out of the game]]. Of course, about 99% of the players on Gears are either [[virgin|permavirgins]], [[Mexicans]], black person, or just plain [[fail]], if you haven't figured it out already.
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| Any player who has an IQ of 90 knows to run for the power weapons at the beginning of the round, but this means you have to dash there before anyone else wise enough to want them, gets there. This requires you memorizing the map and practicing countless times until you can sprint to a weapon faster than [[Speedycat]]. However, if you're a newfag to a map you are utterly destined to be a shotgun wielding cannon fodder who is ignored by the rest of the team. This is another reason to NEVAR EVAR play ranked matches, because some fags are half-retarded, which means they'll run and grab the power weapons and then they don't know how to use them.
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| An important feature of ''Gears of War'' is its cover system where your character can take cover from enemy fire. In single player, your fag is so loaded with armor that he can't bend over (except during buttsecks), making the cover system total fail. In multiplayer, it is more useless than [[Terri Schiavo]] because everybody just [[Zerg Rush|charges]] your ass if you even attempt to use it.
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| Online play isn't completely crap though. You can achieve some good [[lulz]] out of killing people with the pistol/sniper rifle/boomshot/Pork-Bow/smoke grenade/any weapon that requires skill(NO SHOTGUN), raping a Locust or Gear when they are downed, [[Tyler Dumstorf|killing two cops]], chainsawing every motherfucker in the game (therefore getting called a [[noob]] [[irony|because the fag was too much of a retard to avoid it]]), and generally [[A winner is you|being better than everyone else]].
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| <br>
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| [[Image:CoolBerserk.gif|thumb| This Is What You Fight Level After Level...]]
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| ==Queers of Whore 2==
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| [[Image:Bairddies.jpg|400px|left]]
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| {{quote|Did you guys hear??? BAIRD IS MUTHAFUCKEN DEAD!!!!!!!!!!|}}
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| == SPOILER ALERT! ==
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| Following in [[Halo|''Gaylo'''s]] footsteps, the people a [[Fail|EPIC]] Studios have announced that ''Gears'' will be getting a sequal, but to [[Nerds|fags]] everyweres astonishment there would not be a 3rd for at least [[9000]] years. The new game brings in moar ghey features, like the ability to [[rape|bumrape]] an enemy while using him as a shield, and also brings back the [[Asian|azn]] that died in the last game, even though everyone knows [[Virginia Tech massacre|he killed himself after going on a rampage and killing 32 locusts.]]
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| Despite promises that there would be dedicated servers and no more hosting, Cliffy B did a 180 and shit all over the fanbase, bringing back the horrible hosting system, no dedicated servers, no client side, and no host migration; [[win|just like the last game!!!]]
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| [[Fail|Clifford Fucking Blizzinski]] game design over at Epic Fail Games Inc. thought it would be [[retarded|awesome]] to introduce 2 new [[13 year old boys|players]] to the [[gangbang|multiplayer]] which in the end created [[Hurricane Katrina|shitloads of lag.]]
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| [[clusterfuck|Horde mode]] gave the game a whole new [[series of tubes|way]] to play with your IRL friends killing [[nigras|Locusts.]]
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| == Queers 3 ==
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| Thats right, another game. Once again the [[Cock|COG]] forces fucked up and now [[Gay|Marcus]] and Mexican have to fix it again. O and you can play as [[women]] now since all the kitchens were sunk when they blew up the only safe place on the shitstain of a planet. New enemy called the lambent, which are like the locust on [[crack]] crossed with the messed up shit the T-Virus created in [[Resident Evil 4|Resident evil]] crossed with [[tentacle rape]]. New weapons like the black person Launcher, [[Old|Double Barrel Shotgun]]( very fururistic) and the [[cum|One]] Shot.
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| {| align="center" style="padding:0px;"
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| |<center><big>'''Gameplay of Queer 3'''</big></center><br>
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| <center><youtube>etwR_GFaBl4</youtube></center>
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| <br>
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| {{quote|Holy Shit!!! Women and Guns!! And Tenticle Rape!!|'''Typical 13 Year Old Boy''' - Who will never have any of that [[IRL]].''}}
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| |}
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| == Multiplayer ==
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| Players often exploited the game online [[faggotry|finding]] new ways to fuck the game with [[shit nobody cares about|glitches]] which led to an uprising of angry IRL [[fanboys|13 year old boys.]]
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| The new Multiplayer brought a new and improved [[bullshit|matchmaking system]] but was slowly gaining a popularity to [[basement dwellers|typical ''Gears of War'' players]] because whoever had the [[shit nobody cares about|highest rank]] got [[lie|IRL Buttsexz.]] The fun really begins when you wait five hours to find a goddamn fucking match. And if you have a retarded router that can't do DMZ to save its life, then you're utterly screwed as the [[Fucktard|matchmaking]] [[fail|can't accept anyone with a Moderate NAT type.]]
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| You also notice that, despite [[over 9000]] patches, [[Epic|the game is still fucking broken.]]
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| Quote taken from a thread in the [[Epic Fail|Epic forums,]] " Fuck you Epic Fuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you Epic." - [[retard|Clifford Blizzinski]] LOL WUT???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| [[capitalism|Reviews]] of the [[lolwut|final product]] in Early November granted Glitches of War 9 E-penises outa 10.
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| [[Buttsecks|Also, THEY'RE SINKING CITIES WITH GIANT WORMS!! ZOMG!!]]
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| The average multiplayer game consists of these players:
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| '''Your Team:'''
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| [[You|You]],
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| [[13 year old boy|Dumbass]],
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| [[13 year old boy|Dumbass]],
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| [[pretty cool guy|A pretty cool guy]],
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| [[faggot|AFK faggot]] (Who, if you're lucky, will be replaced with a [[shit|shitty]] AI.)
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| '''Other Team:'''
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| [[Faggot|Chainsaw faggot]],
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| [[Faggot|Chainsaw faggot]],
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| [[Faggot|2pee-cen slut]],
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| [[Retard|Boomshot whore]],
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| [[Goatse|Torque Bow dick]].
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| *9/10 times the other team will be comprised of loud black person.
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| *The other 1/10 times [[lag| FOREIGNERS]]
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| * 100% percent of the time you will get placed with 10 year old Nigerian people with internet run off hamsters on wheels.
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| ==Rap??==
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| <center>
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| "You can't win here playing GOW"
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| <youtube>lbUDME0IUYs</youtube></center>
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| ==Novels==
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| [http://kotaku.com/5030186/gears-author-ponders-lancer-cleaning Sauce]
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| Apparently, some broad who wrote ''[[Star Wars]]'' books or some shit is now being asked to write a [[fan fiction|tie-in]] to the ''Gears of War'' games, titled ''[[queers|Gears]] of [[whore|War]]: [[Asshole|Aspho]] Fields'', [[shit nobody cares about|the first book of three, set to hit shelves late October 2008.]] Of course, being a woman she's guaranteed to [[fail|mess it up,]] since everyone knows that [[No girls on the internet|chicks don't know shit about video games.]]
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| UPDATE: So the book gives you all the backstory that the game didn't, but that's gay because [[Truth|nobody plays video games for the story anymore;]] They just want [[Awesome|ass-raping, face-fucking, up-in-your-grill violence with lots of gut-splattering and explosions and huge tits, where you play a big muscular guy with veins the size of garden hoses screaming at another Hulk look-alike while bullets zip by your head and the guy next to you gets blown into meaty chunks by a mortar, spraying your character with bolognese sauce.]]
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| The book is full of [[Buttsex|AWESOME ACTION SCENES]] and lots of BAWWWWWWWing about Dom's brother getting blown up or something. [[Lol|Baird gets punched in the face by an old woman.]] The book also perpetuates the fact that [[Fact|Mexicans breed like rabbits on ecstasy,]] mentioning several times that Dom has like eight kids by the time he's 20.
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| Until then -http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5270210/1/Gears_of_war_3
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| ==A TRUE and HONEST ''Gears of War'' Review==
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| <center><youtube>amsEDQ9FCd4</youtube></center>
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| {{gaming}}
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| [[Category: Gaming]]
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