Christmas

Fat bitch didn't get me what I wanted

Christmas is a Christian holiday that was stolen from the Roman pagan holiday, Saturnalia, which was itself stolen from the viking Yule, and taken out of context at the expense of the workers in the United States. Now it's a Jewish Capitalist conspiracy designed to rip you off of your hard earned money. It is also used as an excuse to get drunk on eggnog as well as for fat men to dress up as Santa Claus and touch little kids.

There is no such thing as God, Jesus, Mary, Santa, Rudolph or the fucking elves. Don't allow generations of parents to make up stuff or to invent lies to get you in their control. Don't allow organized religion, the government, the media and worst of all, corporations to make this a materialist holiday.

The Christmas Spirit

Bruce Jeffrey Pardo knows about the Christmas spirit.

Places like New York and London are not now, nor have ever been very nice places in the month of December. If you're poor, black or a loser in Winter, life basically consists of starving to death, freezing to death or bleeding to death. In such a situation, concerned citizens would commonly take the path of social conscience and riot, smash and loot the fuck out of everything in sight.

The Christmas Spirit as we know it today was purposefully manufactured by Washington Irving in his 1828 book The Sketchbook Of Geoffrey Crayon. In it, a rich cunt opens his doors to the poor and behaves as if this was always how people were meant to act in December. Charles Dickens was meanwhile turning the same trick with A Christmas Carol.

The public bought straight into it, but were confused as to how they were meant to celebrate a holiday that they had always been celebrating but strangely had no recollection of. They thus ran off to their churches/Polish grandmothers for council, and Christmas as we know it started to take shape.

The Christmas Tree

During holidays tradition dictates that people should decorate the Christmas Tree. The custom of erecting a tree and loading it with a whole bunch of useless trinkets is beyond any reason, although the word erection itself, clearly points to phallic symbols and profound faggotry. However wikipedia scientists, famous for their thorough research methods, discovered that the tree's true origin is actually pagan and that many christians feel a little butthurt over the subject.

OMG! It's P4g4n! WTF should we do?!!

Fear not black person and sisters. To cure the infection, apply the usual treatment:

About missing Pics

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  KILL IT WITH FIRE
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  Now comes in retard!
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  Magic, bitch
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  A non-denominational Christmas tree.
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  Hipster style! Non-conformity is cool!
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  Try the new faggot flavor!

Christmas Songs

Xmas music is usually characterized by shitty people singing shitty songs. Most Shitty singers are people that died before your parents were born. The other shitty people are the ones who cover that shit. I swear to god if I hear Justin Bieber cover Silent night I will kill someone.

Christmas Shitters

Shitting all over the holidays is a long standing tradition for many. While many simply choose to festoon their Christmas crapper with long runny turds from great Aunt Ethel's special fruitcake surprise, you can of course take it to the NEXT LEVEL and really show your friends whose the shit! Here's a few fun ideas!

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  Nothing says Christmas like taking a dump in Santa's mouth!
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  Cats love leaving festive "presents" under the tree.
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  Showing off the holiday spirit with the whole neighborhood!
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  Nothing says Christmas like a great big smelly dump in the mall!

Christmas Lights

It is Christmas tradition of course to completely molest your house with as many optical raping lights possible.

The objective is to compete against friends and neighbors to see who can get the highest electric bill for the month.

Winner gets fucked in the wallet.

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  Try and make it look like a clown shit all over it!
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  Srsly, you can NEVER have too many lights!
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  The neighbors will be *SO* jealous.
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Of course, if you're a special, ~unique~ little snowflake you can of course strive to be different and challenge tradition!

Go ahead, pop yer collar, pop yerself a rare imported can of cran-fucking-berry ale and give this shit a whirl!

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  Fuck it!
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  Ditto!
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  Reindeer Style
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  Mommy, what's that red stuff coming out of Rudolph?
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  Gonorrhea...the gift that keeps on giving!

Santa Claus

Moar info: Santa Claus.

Human beings worship the great God Santa, a giant red lobster creature with fearsome claws and his wife Mary. And every Christmas Eve, the people of earth go to war with the country of Turkey. They then eat the Turkey people for Christmas dinner, like savages!

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  typical Santa during the holiday season
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  Typical ho-bag
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  34'd.
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  Santa: "Fetch me my ice dildo, elf slave!"
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  Santa tries to worship Longcat on the Temple Mount. Jews get butthurt.
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  Santa Pwnt by the V&
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  The Japanese Santa as depicted in loli rape manga.
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  She's been sucking up to Santa since like forever.
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  I will fuck you up, fat man!
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  He knows who's been naughty or nice.
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Christmas (the 24th of December)

Christmas may or may not be one or more of the following:

• a chance for Jews to feel left out and alienated because it's not Hanukkah
• a chance for Muslims to blow themselves and some innocent bystanders up.
• a chance for Christian preachers to condemn nearly everything except giving more money to the church
• a chance for druids to go hug a tree that has not been sprayed with artificial snow first
• a chance for pagans to laugh because their tree worship ritual has been commercialized and spread across the land and then go to Hawt Tawpik to buy more ceremonial daggers.
• a chance for poor people to have their poverty shoved in their face
• a chance for black persons to pretend that they are so special that they require a newly invented holiday
• a chance for Dutchmen to be black persons
• a chance for fat drunks to get a job playing Santa Claus
• a chance for rich people to show off their inordinate wealth and power
• a chance for greedy people to get more than they give
• a chance for nice normal people to be forced to work overtime while their families are getting together and drinking eggnog and getting into fights at the dinner table
• a chance for rabid atheist left-wingers to bitch about something other than Dubya
• a chance for emo's and others who reek of epic fail to become an hero thus ruining the holiday for everyone you know forever.

Then again, Christmas may be a celebration of the birthday of Christ, even though the holy brat was clearly born in August. Of course, this also involves giving money to preachers.

Festive Euphemisms

Now that it is Christmas time again there will be many things to do such as:

• Stuffing the turkey
• Pulling the cracker
• Finding the sixpence in the Christmas pudding
• Opening the presents
• Emptying the stocking
• Playing in the snow

TL;DR

Santa even hates Christmas.

[-+]Christmas, /b/ style

It twas the night before Christmas, and all throughout /b/,
Every /b/tard was fapping, and that includes me.
The PENIS was out, proudly stiff in the air
in hopes of a post that would please Pedobear.
The /b/tards all staring in front of the screen
Catching unearthly visions, all mainly unseen
Except for the pasta that flooded the board
Christmas was coming to 4chan.org.
With a stickam whore wearing a red Santa cap
and every guy screaming that it was a trap
Crashing the server while trying to GET
All normal things for this part of the net

When up on the roof, a noise that perplexed
I shot off my load in startled reflex
Away from the desktop, I flew in a flash
Wondering what the hell caused the crash
When, what to my wondering eyes did I see
A man black as night, above all the trees
Pulled by a horde of memes, well because,
I figured at once that it was Nigra Claus.

Faster than a rapidshare download they came
And his voiced boomed aloud, calling all of their names.
"Now Zimmer, Now Cracky, now Mongler and Desu!
On Delay, on Picard, on Gendo, and Deku!
To the top of the board, where the sticky pin lies!"
Needless to say, I was very surprised.

He landed upon the grass of the lawn
and walked towards the house, bright as the dawn
The source of the glowing was no magic spell
"IMMA CHARGIN' MAH LAZER!" the red-lipped one yelled.

The front door exploded, all shattered to splinters
I realized I just took a shit in my knickers
They poured in the room, with quite a large ruckus
"Candlejack?" I exclaimed. "What the fuck is-"

The words were unable to flow from my voice
Little did I realize that I had no choice,
But to sit and endure the riotous mass
With cum on my stomach and shit on my ass.

Saint Nigra stepped forth, and wrinkling his nose
took a look at the room, and shouted "POOL'S CLOSED,
Don't go in the water, it's full of stingrays
and plagued with a virus that's known as the AIDS."

George Zimmer stood next, and reached into his frock...
"IT NEEDS TO BE HUEG TO MAKE ROOM FOR MY COCK"
Pulled out some new pants, for my own I had shit
"FROM THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE, BITCH, I GUARANTEE IT."

He stepped back, and a doll took his place
while two orbs of color shined out from her face
Her features contorted like an old anguished jew
"Desu desu desu, desu desu desu desu."

Cockmongler ran up and grabbed hold of my dick
And then took off his shirt, I thought I'd be sick
He put the rag on me, as I stood there perplexed
now adorned by the image of a bright green T-Rex

Picard flipped me off at warp factor "fuck you"
while Cracky-chan smiled, her teeth all askew
"Who are you," I asked, "Why are you in this region?"
"We are anonymous," they said. "Anonymous is legion."

As quick as the flash, they all left the scene
With plenty of shouting and phrases obscene
They swarmed a female who was blocking their route
and all screamed at once "TITS OR GTFO"

Mongler suggested "Stick it in her pooper!"
The raeping commenced so fast it was blurred
They turned then to me, and shouted quite clear
"Merry Christmas to /b/, we'll raep you next year!"

[-+]The True Story of Christmas

What up, y'all bitch asses? Joseph of Arimithea speaking. I bet you've all heard about Christmas, and what it's all about, how Jesus was born and laid in a manger, and then went on to save everyone from sin and death. Everyone knows this is bullshit, but not many know the REAL STORY.

One day about 2,000 years ago I walked into the talent office at the Bethlehem Hotel and said to the Showbiz Jew, 'Have I got an act for you!' So the Showbiz Jew says 'What is it?'

'Well, it's a family act. I come onto the stage with my young nephew, John the Baptist. He pours some water on my head, works me up into a nice hard-on, and I start fucking a male goat. The shepherd comes in with Mary, who has a strap-on dildo. She fucks a horse while the shepherd fucks her ass. The horse gets a hard-on. Mary takes off the strap-on and gets DP'ed by the shepherd and the horse.

Meanwhile John the Baptist gets a small hard-on from watching me fuck the goat. I force him down into the straw, hit the goat hard in the prostate, and the goat cums into John the Baptist's mouth. Now John takes his penis and sticks it in my ear. He comes quickly, sucks his semen and some earwax out of my ear canal, and rubs the mixture over my penis, which is still covered in fresh shit from the goat's ass.

Three Ay-rabs come in dressed as wise men from the east. Mary starts blowing all three of them at once. The wise men take a gold bar and stick it in Mary's ass. Then they shove frankincense in my ass, and myrrh in the shepherd's ass. Then they take all three of them out and make Mary lick them off. Then she licks the boy semen, earwax, and goat shit from my penis and gargles it. The three wise men give her a bukkake. John the Baptist is meanwhile giving a blow job to the horse.

Now Mary lifts up her skirt to show a young boy being born into a manger. So we put the kid in the manger, I wrap the umbilical cord around my penis, and then I let the horse stick his cock in my ass. Then I stick my own umbilical penis in the first wise man's ass, who sticks his penis into the second wise man's ass, who sticks his dick in the third wise man's ass, who sticks his dick in the shepherd, who sticks his dick in John the Baptist, who sticks his dick in the goat. Mary takes a shit in Jesus' mouth and slaps him in the face. Then we all turn and give Jesus a bukkake and cut off the end of his penis.'

The War on Christmas

Christmas in simpler times.

The War on Christmas is a coordinated effort in America orchestrated by liberals, commies, gays, muslims, wiccans, and other godless heathens to completely destroy Christmas and leave an empty void in the month of December and in the hearts of little children everywhere. As every good little boy and girls knows, America was founded on Christianity and if Christmas isn't shoved into everyone's faces in December, Yahweh will get butthurt and destroy the whole country in a fit of RAEG. It doesn't matter that the godless heathens comprise only a small fraction of the population, and the ones who actually get vocal about it smaller still, there's a fucking war going on and all good Christians must fight for the right to violate the First Amendment because if they don't, the next thing you know all sorts of terrible things will happen (aside from Yahweh destroying the whole country), like legalized prostitution, gay marriage, and drugs. Or at least that's what that Fox News guy who likes phone sex says. [1]

The War on Christmas even inspired a film titled Christmas with a Capital C, which is about an evil atheist who demands that a small town stops violating the first amendment by removing a nativity scene from government property so he can replace it with a pornographic statue of himself and force the entire town to celebrate the most holy atheist holiday of all, Fapmas.

Sure signs that there's a war on include:

• The godless heathens are demanding that the government actually complies with the First Amendment by not putting up religious displays on government property.
• People putting up signs that read "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" to avoid alienating customers who might not celebrate Christmas.
• The word "Christmas" doesn't come before "Parade of Lights."

Gallery

Merry fucking Christmas, you ungrateful materialistic brat About missing Pics

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  Holiday drinking goes terribly, terribly wrong.
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  Merry Christmas YOU ARE NOT PREPARED
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  Merry Christmas, son
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  Merry Christmas, LINK MAH BOIIIII
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  Christmas Cock and Balls
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  LOL WUT
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  Christmas is a time for giving, and a time for eating babies.
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  Rare shot of Santa chargin' his sleigh-zorz
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  TyrannoSanta wishes you a Merry Xmas.
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  Santa's black friend
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  Even Hentai girls celebrate it.
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  Not everyone can have a Merry Christmas.
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  Homemade gifts are best.
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  He's kind of a dick like that.
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  This is why grownups are always telling you it's about the birth of Jesus.
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  Home Alone 4
  Trapped With Michael!
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  EXTREME CHRISTMAS!
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  Frosty's little drinking problem.
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  She swallows!
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Videos

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See Also

• Black Christmas
• Hanukkah
• Jewbo
• Kwanzaa
• Pagan

Featured article December 25, 2006
Preceded by I has a shuvel	Christmas	Succeeded by Hal Turner

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