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[[File:beefcurtains.jpg|right|thumb|This is what she really looks like]]
[[File:Hackalert.jpg|center|350px]]
'''Amy Schumer'''<sup>[[Jew|&#10017;]]</sup>, better known as "that bleached-blonde monster Jew-clit", is a [[obvious]] [[woman|female]] [[comedian]] who can't stop talking about her monstrous canyon-like vag and the [[stupid|shitty]] anal-fisting fest that she calls a "sex life" to the pathetic slugs who watch [[Comedy Central]] late at night. Like that pathologically-insecure freak [[Sarah Silverman]] who preceded her, Fatty Amy is so desperate for attention/laughs/abuse/anything that she'll walk around NYC streets, flopping her cellulite to clear the sidewalk and asking people [[retarded]] questions about their sex lives---before she lifts her skirt and flashes them. It's so horrifying (think of giant purple meat curtains flapping in the breeze and spewing week-old semen ''everywhere'') that her victims run away screaming in agony and gouging their own eyes out. That's show biz!
[[File:Amyuggo2.jpg|right|thumb|300px|At least no one can ever say she got ahead using her looks]]
{{quote|I used to date Hispanic guys, but now I prefer consensual.|The joke Amy doesn't tell anymore|too bad it was her only good one|color=purple}}


Of course this is a successful show, stupid question. [http://www.metacritic.com/tv/inside-amy-schumer] It's called "Up Amy Schumer's Ass", because Viacom headheeb Sumner Redstone<sup>[[Jew|&#10017;]]</sup> is really into shoving things into really big anuses. The first skit on the very first episode was her auditioning for a "[[2girls1cup]]" thing, which is so very appropriate. Her feces probably taste like [[Howard Stern|fine chocolate mousse]]. Mixed with gefilte fish and pastrami. In fact, if you ever want to catch a wild Amy Schumer, just set a trap with a Carnegie Deli pastrami sandwich with extra mustard and severed penises. Can't fail.
'''Amy Schumer'''<sup>[[Jew|&#10017;]]</sup>, better known as "That Bleached-Blonde Monster Jew-Cunt," is a [[oxymoron|female "comedian"]] who can't stop talking about her monstrous, canyon-like [[pussy|vag]], and the [[stupid|shitty]] anal-fisting fest that she calls a "sex life," in a pathetic attempt to be the next [[Sarah Silverman]]. And, much like Silverman, both can be described as [[ugly]] Jews who alternate between trying to be "[[edgy]]" and turning their backs on the people who made them famous in order to pander to [[SJW]]s. Amy is also known to constantly pose naked to satisfy her [[exhibitionism]] under the guise of promoting [[feminism]], much like [[Lena Dunham]], but unlike Lena, Amy (thankfully) never goes all the way. In fact, if one were to describe her (and Silverman), they might say that she is a "diet version" of Dunham: less fat/ugly/Jewish and not as big a feminazi.  This, perhaps, makes her "better" in the same way that getting [[cancer]] is not as bad as contracting [[SARS|leprosy]].  Her "comedy," however, certainly cannot be described as better.  Amy is known for calling herself a [[slut]], [[Internet Tough Guy|bullying teenagers online]] for calling her a slut, embodying her proud Jewish heritage by stealing both Lena Dunham's entire persona and shit-tons of jokes from other comedians, having her [[Jews|lawyers]] take down any videos proving that she stole jokes ([[Taking down ED|she'll be coming for us next]]), and making a movie so bad that it made someone go all [[Aurora Theater Shooting|James Holmes]] on a movie theater.


==The origins of the monster==
==The Origins of the Monster==
[[File:Amysmeatball.jpg|left|thumb|Her anus, maybe?]]
[[File:Amyfat.jpg|left|thumb|Looks like someone shaved bigfoot]]
As it says on WP, and this is too fucking bizarre to make up: "Her father is the first cousin of U.S. Senator Chuck Schumer, making Amy Schumer and Chuck Schumer first cousins once removed.[9][10] Her great-grandmother, Estelle Schumer, was a bootlegger in Manhattan.[2]" In short, she's the hellspawn of Ashkenazi Jewish criminals and ass-rapists, plus Chuck Schumer. But they do the usual Passover crap, so it's perfectly acceptable! Maybe she'll marry the Senator and shit out deformed Heeb-monsters after eating the bitter herbs (they turn fetuses into three-headed slugs, you know).
According to her [[TOW|WP]] (and this is too fucking bizarre to make up):


How did she get "famous"? By [[Cunt|winning standup-comedy competitions]], and yes that kind of [[bullshit]] does exist. She won by talking about her huge floppy vag-lips and her big fat [[ass]]. [[tl;dr|For hours at a time]]. She's all about ''self-promotion'', she eats and shits press releases. Which helps to explain the [[hambeast]] and the nay-remarkable tendency of her ass to crush chairs and sofas. And at all times, the pathological sexual insecurities are on full display. See her professionally-girly-girly [http://anonym.to/http://amyschumer.com/ website] for more psychopathology.
{{quote|'''Her father is the first cousin of U.S. Senator Chuck Schumer, making Amy Schumer and Chuck Schumer first cousins once removed. Her great-grandmother, Estelle Schumer, was a bootlegger in Manhattan.'''|color=purple}}


Thanks to her "brilliant comedy", she talked Judd Apatow into directing a film she wrote. And then went on talk shows and claimed she didn't "promote it" or "push it" to anyone, it "just happened". It's called, and this is not a joke, ''[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trainwreck_%28film%29 Trainwreck]''. That should be sufficient warning.
This makes her the byproduct of classic Jewish trades such as ''criminal'' and ''kike politician'' ([[Fact|which is just another term for "criminal"]]).


==She's ALSO Not Funny==
===Career===
In fact, she's so ''not funny'' (when she's not shitting on the ground or talking about her beef-flaps) she doesn't qualify as an "entertainer" at all. Booooring.
{{quote|The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.|[[Not|Shockingly]], Schumer doesn't get many roles|[[Rimshot|unless they're jelly rolls]].|color=purple}}
 
How did she get "famous" (and we use that word loosely)?  Simple: by [[hack|winning standup-comedy competitions]] after [[failing]] to make the cut in earlier seasons, because, by then, all the actually talented people had been eliminated. She then went on to do a bunch of guest spots on various shows, including HBO's ''Girls'', which stars--you guessed it--Lena Dunham.  It was at this point the [[redundant|leftists in the media]] decided they could make her the "voice of a generation" (after their attempts to do so with Dunham failed), so they gave Amy her own show--[[creampie|''Inside Amy Schumer'']]--so named after the most mediocre thing in the world.
 
Although the press lauded over her for being the new [[Whore|media darling]], the average viewer had quite a different experience:<br />
 
<center>
{{frame|{{morphquote|Inside Amy|background-color: white; width: 600px; height: 200px;|font-weight: bold;
|Inside Amy is by far the worse comedy I have ever seen on television. Not funny at all. Very boring. Amy should be arrested for putting this show on television and wasting millions of hours of American lives. This show will be canceled soon because of how bad it is.|Critic #1 - 0/10
|Show was painful to watch. Not very funny, pretty bland in general. She likes to speak as if she is the spokesperson for women when she's only speaking for herself. Some girls actually love it when you cum on their face Amy, some even demand it. You sound like a lame lay anyway. Your show will be cancelled soon so maybe you can go back and work on your bedroom skills instead of just laying there like a fat cow.|Critic #2 - 2/10
|This show really comes across as hollow and extremely desperate. Every skit I watched made me cringe and even feel a little queasy. I felt like I was watching a fat, old clown drunkenly put on a song and dance desperately seeking laughs. Even though "offensive" comedy is the cool new thing Inside Amy seems too little too late. Amy hopelessly chases after the success of her male predecessors (Tosh and Jeselnik) doing these overly offensive skits, problem is these jokes are old now. Most of the jokes lost any shock value about two years ago. Don't waste you're precious time people.|Critic #3 - 0/10
|Schumer might have been "fresh" or funny 50 years ago, but her material is hardly shocking or clever. It's kind of hollow, searching, maybe a little desperate. Her material? Just common jokes you'd here from a bunch of guys hanging around at best. She's a real yawner. Talent? Average. No more than any smart person. She's just very lucky.|Critic #4- 1/10|}}|border=purple|background=blue}}
</center>
 
==The Appropriately Named "Trainwreck"==
[[File:Insideamy.jpg|right|thumb|The source of her RAW POWER]]
[[File:Insideamy.jpg|right|thumb|The source of her RAW POWER]]
{{quote|The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.}}
{{quote|I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.}}
{{quote|I don't think that's a cute accent on dudes - the French accent. It makes my vagina shut like a steel trap. I mean, thank god for that other hole.}}
[[File:Vaginaofamy.jpg|left|thumb|Yes, this is totally her face]]
{{quote|In New York I'm, like, a six - seven with all the padding. But in Miami, I was like a negative three. People were like, 'What the fuck is that?' Throwing up on their motorized wheelchairs. Children were crying. I was like, 'Beyonce calls it jelly.' They were like, 'That's cottage cheese, bitch. Do some lunges.'}}
{{quote|Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.}}
{{quote|I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.}}


== Videos ==
Exploiting her new and undeserved fame, she talked filmmaker Judd Apatow into producing and  directing a film she wrote, only to later claim on the talk show circuit that she didn't "promote it" or "push it" to anyone, but rather it "[[Lie|just happened]]," despite ''openly'' promoting and pushing it.  The film is called (and this is not a joke): ''[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trainwreck_%28film%29 Trainwreck]''.  The title alone should be warning enough.
 
Once again the critics raved, and once again the public, well, not so much:
[[File:Paris Train Wreck.jpg|thumb|left|Less of a trainwreck than both Amy and her movie]]
<center>
{{frame|{{morphquote|Trainwreck|background-color: white; width: 600px; height: 200px;|font-weight: bold;
|Not a good sign when the funnier lines of the movie are delivered by pro athletes.
 
An even worse sign when one of them is a wrestler.
 
Amy Schumer isn't funny. Sorry, but you all need to hear it.|Critic #1 - 0/10
|What a revolting sleazy little film. So gross. So tasteless. So unfunny…..and all of it carefully packaged in an aggressively “How dare you not find this hip" ........ Not so much a film as a kind of desperate "commodity" for desperate times, like a series of really bad Saturday Night Live “zany” sketches at their ham-fisted, bottom-feeding worst. I walked out....who needs this garbage!|Critic #2 - 0/10
|TrainWreck - What an appropriate title. I felt I needed a shower after watching it.
 
Guys, while each of us should occasionally take our spouse or significant other to a chick flick, this is one to avoid at all costs. I don't care how much LeBron or other athletes are featured, this is one disgusting trainwreck of a movie.
 
It was just not funny... You could hear short bursts of supportive (I guess Amy Scheuer fans) laughter from the same pockets of women in the audience. I realize it was a chick-flick, and I was definitely taking one for the team, but I would have sat through 10 hours of "Fried Green Tomatoes" before seeing this disaster again...
 
As you watch Amy Schumer and each of her conquests, one just can't help but think that each of these guys would fall head over heels over her, especially when the character she plays would be human petri dish of bacteria and viruses...|Critic #3 - 0/10
|Never has a movie title written my review for me. Today is that day and this is that movie.


<center><youtube>c3GyQwkFVio</youtube></center>
If you love CareerGrrrrrl Comedy with a dose of Bill Hader (who btw is pretty good in this role, a little like Ferrell was good in Old School), then this is your movie. For Me? The combination of Apatow, Schumer, and the rest of them are a waste of time and money. Apatow is a cliche of himself at this point and Schumer just wrote a movie as a vehicle for her raunchy comedy; which has about 2 min left of her 15. One day we'll look back at these movie making charlatans for what they are: zeitgeist deluded has-beens who tricked us all into thinking they were actually funny and not just show-biz lottery winners. The DVD is future coaster material.|Critic #4- 0/10|}}|border=purple|background=blue}}<br /><br />
<center>'''The blob pretends to be an MTV reporter, to promote a shitty new movie she's in'''</center>


<center><youtube>4wvxoiNV2iA</youtube></center>
{{frame|<youtube>wk8xBAU4RYM</youtube>|border=purple|background=blue}}</center>
  <center> '''The cunt falls flat on Conan'''</center>


<center><youtube>p1NoNWqnhVk</youtube></center>
<center> '''She shows old fucker Letterman her beef-flaps'''</center>


<center><youtube>0SryDe59JIs</youtube></center>
===A Movie So Bad it Makes You Want to Shoot Yourself...and Other People...Literally===
<center> '''[[Howard Stern]] wants to fuck her, but then he'd fuck a dead whale'''</center>


[[File:John-russel-houser-600.jpg|thumb|right|250px|The man who saved a room full of people from having to watch the rest of that movie]]
In January of [[2015]], the heroic 59-year-old John Russel Houser (AKA "Rusty") ended the suffering of a theater full of ''Trainwreck'' viewers (who probably also didn't silence their cellphones and were talking and shit) by mercifully blowing the brains out of the two people seated in front of him with a Hi-Point .40 caliber pistol and injuring nine others before doing [[Suicide|what most of Amy's viewers feel like doing]].  Amy, of course, wasted no time in cynically using the deaths of these people to promote [[gun control]] with her cousin's help and earn more SJW pats on the ass.  Ironically, if she had simply [[Shit that will never happen|made a better movie]], none of this would have happened in the first place.
{{clear}}
[[File:RoastBeef.jpg|left|thumb|No Schumer hambeast can say no to this!]]
[[File:RoastBeef.jpg|left|thumb|No Schumer hambeast can say no to this!]]
== The reviews ==
 
{{quote|Inside Amy is by far the worse comedy I have ever seen on television. Not funny at all. Very boring. Amy should be arrested for putting this show on television and wasting millions of hours of American lives. This show will be canceled soon because of how bad it is.}}
==The Laughable Photoshoot/Photoshop Debacle==
{{quote|The good bits are hilarious; the others often kind of just lie there. }}
 
{{quote|I'd totally hit that, but only with a blindfold on.}}
In April 2015, Amy decided that she had not caused enough permanent retinal damage to the world and decided pose [[naked]] (again) on the cover of ''Entertainment Weekly''.  Mere minutes after the cover went live, Amy tweeted an un-photoshopped version of the cover photo--in what she must have imagined was an act of defiance--only to immediately regret doing so (i.e. she suddenly realized how fat she looked).  She immediately deleted the tweet and seamlessly transitioned into [[damage control]] mode by tweeting "Thank you to EW for not airbrushing me" and fooling precisely no one.
 
Eventually realizing that no one was buying this lie, Amy got naked (''yet AGAIN'') for another photo-shoot. This time for the Pirelli Calendar[https://archive.is/Xxvs9] of [[The Current Year]]. The calendar was renowned as an indispensable collection item for [[gentlemen]] who wanted a selection of the finest and most [[Prostitute|beautiful models]] in the most elegant, sophisticated, well crafted and [[Pr0n|good taste pictures]] ever taken. That was until College Fat SJW on [[clickbait]] media were [[offended|triggered]] by it, and with cries of misogyny and objectification demanded "real wymyn" on future editions of the calendar. Pirelli caved to them, resulting in this [[Lie|not at all]] manipulated photo:
 
 
[[File:Amy Schumer 7.png|500px|center]]
 
The ever-sycophantic press immediately showered praise upon Amy, calling her "[[fat|Inspiring]]" and "[[ugly|Courageous]]" for showing her "[[Shooped|natural undoctored body]]" (#NoFilter).  The internets, by contrast, responded with a combination of [[Facepalm|facepalms]] and [[Lulz|laughter]] at just how [[obviously]] filtered, brushed, and touched-up the photo was (though everyone marveled at the shooping skills: no one thought it was possible to shoop out ''that'' many mounds of cellulite).
 
==Schumer is Really Tough (When Picking on Teenagers)==
[[File:Amychumercritic.jpg|400px|center]]
During the [[Shit no one cares about|2015 Critics' Choice Awards]], Amy had her picture taken with some [[You|nobody internet critic]] (whoever took the photo must have been using an extremely wide lens). Later, this critic innocently tweeted Amy that he "spent the night" with her and was "[c]ertainly not the first guy to write that."  This was obviously a joke since Amy built her entire career on calling herself a "slut" and a "whore."  Amy, [[Probably|after spitting out a mouthful of pork rinds]] all over her iPhone in shock, [[Hypocrite|angrily tweeted back]] "[[No|I get it]]. [[Yes|Cause I'm a whore?]] Glad I took a photo with you" and even implied that she would be calling his father.  This mattering because he was '''only fucking 17-years-old!'''
 
<big>'''YES: AMY SCHUMER BULLIES TEENAGERS ONLINE.'''</big>
 
By this point in the article you've probably noticed a familiar pattern and can guess what happened next: the media praised her for standing up to a "slut-shamer"  while the public (rightfully) called her a fucking [[cunt]] for being a humorless hypocrite.  For example, check out this article from ''E! Online'' whose headline proudly proclaims [https://anon.to/YdWrCr "Amy Schumer Shuts Down a Slut-Shaming Critic on Twitter: 'Glad I Took a Photo With You'"] and then head down to the comments section where the public calls her a [[bitch]] and a [[cunt]].  The contrast between what the media ''wants'' you to think about Amy and what people ''actually'' think about Amy is truly astounding.
 
==Amy Steals and Steals Again...This Time Even More Jokes==
[[File:Zachamy.png|thumb|right|300px|[[Zach Braff]] dunks on Amy]]
The most recent controversy revolving around Amy (as opposed to the small moons revolving around Amy since her ass exerts its own gravitational force) is that she steals jokes: as in '''''ALL''''' the jokes.
 
Early on, people noticed that there was a striking similarity between her routine on a Comedy Central special and a routine by the late, great Patrice O'Neal.  Amy, with her typical false indignation, immediately denied the allegations and [[DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING|all videos mentioning it quickly began to disappear off the web]], which only prompted the internet to find ''even more jokes she stole from even more comedians''.  It turned out Amy mostly stole from female comics (cuz why would a [[oxymoron|strong woman]] like Amy watch the comedy of ''men''?...besides copying their material), and even attacked one who [[:File:TammyPescatelliAmySchumer01.png|dared to criticize her]] and mention THAT '''''all the jokes she stole are from comics she either opened for or wrote with.''''' But her thievery ranged across the board and included jokes from everyone, from Marc Maron, to a MADtv skit, to a fucking [[College Humor]] [https://www.reddit.com/r/StandUpComedy/comments/42ttl7/amy_schumer_stole_the_entire_concept_of_a_video/ sketch] and literally everything in between.
 
<center>{{frame|<youtube>Qv0eWN8v_tg</youtube>|border=purple|background=blue}}</center>
KVDvEzobZIA
 
To add insult to injury, Schumer not only delivers all these jokes wrong and fucks them up, she supplements most of them with unnecessary tangents about feminism, thus killing the jokes completely.  It feels as if Amy watched all these comics' acts, laughed, got angry about something in their jokes, and then just stole them so that she could re-tell them and then force an uninterested audience to listen to her unsolicited criticism of the jokes she just told.
 
At the moment all videos and articles about this are rapidly vanishing, so get 'em while they're hot.
{{clear}}
 
==This Article as a Video==
 
 
<center>{{frame|<youtube>KVDvEzobZIA</youtube>|border=purple|background=blue}}</center>
 
==Pictures==
{{Achtung|<strong><big>WARNING! THIS IS A GALLERY OF SCHUMER'S DISGUSTING PICTURES. TRUST US, YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THIS. OPEN AT OWN RISK AND DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOU!</big></strong>}}
 
<center>{{frame|{{Collapsegallery|GALLERY OF HORRORS|cWg1|center|<gallery>
</gallery>|<gallery perrow="5">
File:Amy Schumer 1.jpg
File:Amy Schumer 2.jpg
File:Amy Schumer 3.jpg
File:Amy Schumer 4.jpg
File:Amy Schumer 5.jpg|Very, very questionable.
File:Amy Schumer 6.jpg|Look at her flabby ass.
File:Amy Schumer 8.png|All she can fuck are robots.
File:Amy Schumer 9.jpg
File:Amy Schumer Shrek.jpg
File:Amyschumer baiting negros with chicken.jpg
</gallery>}}|background=red|border=purple}}</center>
 
==See Also==
[[File:Amyuggo.jpg|thumb|right|200px|Enlarge to see snot dripping]]
 
* [[Sarah Silverman]]
* [[Lena Dunham]] - Amy is rapidly gaining weight to be even more like her
* [[Hack]]
* [[Unfunny]]
* [[Fat]]
* [[Hambeast]]
* [[Jew]]


== External Links ==
== External Links ==


*[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amy_Schumer Wikipedia Article]
*{{wikilink|Amy_Schumer|Wikipedia Article}}
*[http://anonym.to/http://www.cc.com/shows/inside-amy-schumer Official CC website]
*[http://www.cc.com/shows/inside-amy-schumer Official CC website]
*[https://twitter.com/amyschumer Her Twitter] is a giant crashing bore. Nothing but "watch this new episode" and "watch that new episode".
*{{twitter|amyschumer|Her Twitter}} is a giant crashing bore. Nothing but "watch this new episode" and "watch that new episode".
*[http://anonym.to/http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2578508/ No, she's been in almost nothing else...]
*[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2578508/ No, she's been in almost nothing else...]
*[http://anonym.to/http://popdust.com/2015/03/10/amy-schumer-fat-disgusting-los-angeles/ "I’m Too Fat and Disgusting For Los Angeles!"]
*[http://popdust.com/2015/03/10/amy-schumer-fat-disgusting-los-angeles/ "I’m Too Fat and Disgusting For Los Angeles!"]
*[https://ageofshitlords.com/amy-schumers-book-massive-failure-blames-internet-trolls/ Amy's book bombs, blames internet trolls.]


{{whores}}
{{sj}}
{{jews}}
{{jews}}
{{whores}}
{{Manchild}}


{{timeline|Featured article February 10 & 11, [[2016]]|[[The Current Year]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Null]]}}
[[Category:People|Schumer, Amy]]
[[Category:People|Schumer, Amy]]

Latest revision as of 21:49, 12 May 2023

At least no one can ever say she got ahead using her looks
   
“ 		 
I used to date Hispanic guys, but now I prefer consensual.
  		„
  		 

—The joke Amy doesn't tell anymore, too bad it was her only good one

Amy Schumer✡, better known as "That Bleached-Blonde Monster Jew-Cunt," is a female "comedian" who can't stop talking about her monstrous, canyon-like vag, and the shitty anal-fisting fest that she calls a "sex life," in a pathetic attempt to be the next Sarah Silverman. And, much like Silverman, both can be described as ugly Jews who alternate between trying to be "edgy" and turning their backs on the people who made them famous in order to pander to SJWs. Amy is also known to constantly pose naked to satisfy her exhibitionism under the guise of promoting feminism, much like Lena Dunham, but unlike Lena, Amy (thankfully) never goes all the way. In fact, if one were to describe her (and Silverman), they might say that she is a "diet version" of Dunham: less fat/ugly/Jewish and not as big a feminazi. This, perhaps, makes her "better" in the same way that getting cancer is not as bad as contracting leprosy. Her "comedy," however, certainly cannot be described as better. Amy is known for calling herself a slut, bullying teenagers online for calling her a slut, embodying her proud Jewish heritage by stealing both Lena Dunham's entire persona and shit-tons of jokes from other comedians, having her lawyers take down any videos proving that she stole jokes (she'll be coming for us next), and making a movie so bad that it made someone go all James Holmes on a movie theater.

The Origins of the Monster

Looks like someone shaved bigfoot

According to her WP (and this is too fucking bizarre to make up):

   
“ 		 
Her father is the first cousin of U.S. Senator Chuck Schumer, making Amy Schumer and Chuck Schumer first cousins once removed. Her great-grandmother, Estelle Schumer, was a bootlegger in Manhattan.
  		„
  		 

This makes her the byproduct of classic Jewish trades such as criminal and kike politician (which is just another term for "criminal").

Career

   
“ 		 
The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.
  		„
  		 

—Shockingly, Schumer doesn't get many roles, unless they're jelly rolls.

How did she get "famous" (and we use that word loosely)? Simple: by winning standup-comedy competitions after failing to make the cut in earlier seasons, because, by then, all the actually talented people had been eliminated. She then went on to do a bunch of guest spots on various shows, including HBO's Girls, which stars--you guessed it--Lena Dunham. It was at this point the leftists in the media decided they could make her the "voice of a generation" (after their attempts to do so with Dunham failed), so they gave Amy her own show--Inside Amy Schumer--so named after the most mediocre thing in the world.

Although the press lauded over her for being the new media darling, the average viewer had quite a different experience:

   
“ 		 
Inside Amy is by far the worse comedy I have ever seen on television. Not funny at all. Very boring. Amy should be arrested for putting this show on television and wasting millions of hours of American lives. This show will be canceled soon because of how bad it is.
  		„
  		 

—Critic #1 - 0/10

   
“ 		 
Show was painful to watch. Not very funny, pretty bland in general. She likes to speak as if she is the spokesperson for women when she's only speaking for herself. Some girls actually love it when you cum on their face Amy, some even demand it. You sound like a lame lay anyway. Your show will be cancelled soon so maybe you can go back and work on your bedroom skills instead of just laying there like a fat cow.
  		„
  		 

—Critic #2 - 2/10

   
“ 		 
This show really comes across as hollow and extremely desperate. Every skit I watched made me cringe and even feel a little queasy. I felt like I was watching a fat, old clown drunkenly put on a song and dance desperately seeking laughs. Even though "offensive" comedy is the cool new thing Inside Amy seems too little too late. Amy hopelessly chases after the success of her male predecessors (Tosh and Jeselnik) doing these overly offensive skits, problem is these jokes are old now. Most of the jokes lost any shock value about two years ago. Don't waste you're precious time people.
  		„
  		 

—Critic #3 - 0/10

   
“ 		 
Schumer might have been "fresh" or funny 50 years ago, but her material is hardly shocking or clever. It's kind of hollow, searching, maybe a little desperate. Her material? Just common jokes you'd here from a bunch of guys hanging around at best. She's a real yawner. Talent? Average. No more than any smart person. She's just very lucky.
  		„
  		 

—Critic #4- 1/10

Previous Quote | Next Quote

The Appropriately Named "Trainwreck"

The source of her RAW POWER

Exploiting her new and undeserved fame, she talked filmmaker Judd Apatow into producing and directing a film she wrote, only to later claim on the talk show circuit that she didn't "promote it" or "push it" to anyone, but rather it "just happened," despite openly promoting and pushing it. The film is called (and this is not a joke): Trainwreck. The title alone should be warning enough.

Once again the critics raved, and once again the public, well, not so much:

Less of a trainwreck than both Amy and her movie
   
“ 		 
Not a good sign when the funnier lines of the movie are delivered by pro athletes.

An even worse sign when one of them is a wrestler.

Amy Schumer isn't funny. Sorry, but you all need to hear it.
 

„
  		 

—Critic #1 - 0/10

   
“ 		 
What a revolting sleazy little film. So gross. So tasteless. So unfunny…..and all of it carefully packaged in an aggressively “How dare you not find this hip" ........ Not so much a film as a kind of desperate "commodity" for desperate times, like a series of really bad Saturday Night Live “zany” sketches at their ham-fisted, bottom-feeding worst. I walked out....who needs this garbage!
  		„
  		 

—Critic #2 - 0/10

   
“ 		 
TrainWreck - What an appropriate title. I felt I needed a shower after watching it.

Guys, while each of us should occasionally take our spouse or significant other to a chick flick, this is one to avoid at all costs. I don't care how much LeBron or other athletes are featured, this is one disgusting trainwreck of a movie.

It was just not funny... You could hear short bursts of supportive (I guess Amy Scheuer fans) laughter from the same pockets of women in the audience. I realize it was a chick-flick, and I was definitely taking one for the team, but I would have sat through 10 hours of "Fried Green Tomatoes" before seeing this disaster again...

As you watch Amy Schumer and each of her conquests, one just can't help but think that each of these guys would fall head over heels over her, especially when the character she plays would be human petri dish of bacteria and viruses...
 

„
  		 

—Critic #3 - 0/10

   
“ 		 
Never has a movie title written my review for me. Today is that day and this is that movie.

If you love CareerGrrrrrl Comedy with a dose of Bill Hader (who btw is pretty good in this role, a little like Ferrell was good in Old School), then this is your movie. For Me? The combination of Apatow, Schumer, and the rest of them are a waste of time and money. Apatow is a cliche of himself at this point and Schumer just wrote a movie as a vehicle for her raunchy comedy; which has about 2 min left of her 15. One day we'll look back at these movie making charlatans for what they are: zeitgeist deluded has-beens who tricked us all into thinking they were actually funny and not just show-biz lottery winners. The DVD is future coaster material.
 

„
  		 

—Critic #4- 0/10

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A Movie So Bad it Makes You Want to Shoot Yourself...and Other People...Literally

The man who saved a room full of people from having to watch the rest of that movie

In January of 2015, the heroic 59-year-old John Russel Houser (AKA "Rusty") ended the suffering of a theater full of Trainwreck viewers (who probably also didn't silence their cellphones and were talking and shit) by mercifully blowing the brains out of the two people seated in front of him with a Hi-Point .40 caliber pistol and injuring nine others before doing what most of Amy's viewers feel like doing. Amy, of course, wasted no time in cynically using the deaths of these people to promote gun control with her cousin's help and earn more SJW pats on the ass. Ironically, if she had simply made a better movie, none of this would have happened in the first place.

No Schumer hambeast can say no to this!

The Laughable Photoshoot/Photoshop Debacle

In April 2015, Amy decided that she had not caused enough permanent retinal damage to the world and decided pose naked (again) on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. Mere minutes after the cover went live, Amy tweeted an un-photoshopped version of the cover photo--in what she must have imagined was an act of defiance--only to immediately regret doing so (i.e. she suddenly realized how fat she looked). She immediately deleted the tweet and seamlessly transitioned into damage control mode by tweeting "Thank you to EW for not airbrushing me" and fooling precisely no one.

Eventually realizing that no one was buying this lie, Amy got naked (yet AGAIN) for another photo-shoot. This time for the Pirelli Calendar[1] of The Current Year. The calendar was renowned as an indispensable collection item for gentlemen who wanted a selection of the finest and most beautiful models in the most elegant, sophisticated, well crafted and good taste pictures ever taken. That was until College Fat SJW on clickbait media were triggered by it, and with cries of misogyny and objectification demanded "real wymyn" on future editions of the calendar. Pirelli caved to them, resulting in this not at all manipulated photo:


The ever-sycophantic press immediately showered praise upon Amy, calling her "Inspiring" and "Courageous" for showing her "natural undoctored body" (#NoFilter). The internets, by contrast, responded with a combination of facepalms and laughter at just how obviously filtered, brushed, and touched-up the photo was (though everyone marveled at the shooping skills: no one thought it was possible to shoop out that many mounds of cellulite).

Schumer is Really Tough (When Picking on Teenagers)

During the 2015 Critics' Choice Awards, Amy had her picture taken with some nobody internet critic (whoever took the photo must have been using an extremely wide lens). Later, this critic innocently tweeted Amy that he "spent the night" with her and was "[c]ertainly not the first guy to write that." This was obviously a joke since Amy built her entire career on calling herself a "slut" and a "whore." Amy, after spitting out a mouthful of pork rinds all over her iPhone in shock, angrily tweeted back "I get it. Cause I'm a whore? Glad I took a photo with you" and even implied that she would be calling his father. This mattering because he was only fucking 17-years-old!

YES: AMY SCHUMER BULLIES TEENAGERS ONLINE.

By this point in the article you've probably noticed a familiar pattern and can guess what happened next: the media praised her for standing up to a "slut-shamer" while the public (rightfully) called her a fucking cunt for being a humorless hypocrite. For example, check out this article from E! Online whose headline proudly proclaims "Amy Schumer Shuts Down a Slut-Shaming Critic on Twitter: 'Glad I Took a Photo With You'" and then head down to the comments section where the public calls her a bitch and a cunt. The contrast between what the media wants you to think about Amy and what people actually think about Amy is truly astounding.

Amy Steals and Steals Again...This Time Even More Jokes

Zach Braff dunks on Amy

The most recent controversy revolving around Amy (as opposed to the small moons revolving around Amy since her ass exerts its own gravitational force) is that she steals jokes: as in ALL the jokes.

Early on, people noticed that there was a striking similarity between her routine on a Comedy Central special and a routine by the late, great Patrice O'Neal. Amy, with her typical false indignation, immediately denied the allegations and all videos mentioning it quickly began to disappear off the web, which only prompted the internet to find even more jokes she stole from even more comedians. It turned out Amy mostly stole from female comics (cuz why would a strong woman like Amy watch the comedy of men?...besides copying their material), and even attacked one who dared to criticize her and mention THAT all the jokes she stole are from comics she either opened for or wrote with. But her thievery ranged across the board and included jokes from everyone, from Marc Maron, to a MADtv skit, to a fucking College Humor sketch and literally everything in between.

KVDvEzobZIA

To add insult to injury, Schumer not only delivers all these jokes wrong and fucks them up, she supplements most of them with unnecessary tangents about feminism, thus killing the jokes completely. It feels as if Amy watched all these comics' acts, laughed, got angry about something in their jokes, and then just stole them so that she could re-tell them and then force an uninterested audience to listen to her unsolicited criticism of the jokes she just told.

At the moment all videos and articles about this are rapidly vanishing, so get 'em while they're hot.

This Article as a Video

Pictures

WARNING! THIS IS A GALLERY OF SCHUMER'S DISGUSTING PICTURES. TRUST US, YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THIS. OPEN AT OWN RISK AND DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOU!


GALLERY OF HORRORS About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]
  • Very, very questionable.
    Very, very questionable.
  • Look at her flabby ass.
    Look at her flabby ass.
  • All she can fuck are robots.
    All she can fuck are robots.

See Also

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Featured article February 10 & 11, 2016
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