imported>IDeserveAnswers at 22:21, 21 May 2023

2023-05-21T22:21:57Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 22:21, 21 May 2023
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imported>IDeserveAnswers at 22:21, 21 May 2023

2023-05-21T22:21:57Z

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	{{quote\|I threw away all my Tool t-shirts once I saw what kind of people wear them. I'd rather be a registered [[pedophile]] than be associated with those [[Redneck\|inbred]], black person pseudo-intellectual losers\| Some [[faggot]] reaching enlightement just before the leeches were put on him}}		{{quote\|I threw away all my Tool t-shirts once I saw what kind of people wear them. I'd rather be a registered [[pedophile]] than be associated with those [[Redneck\|inbred]], black person pseudo-intellectual losers\| Some [[faggot]] reaching enlightement just before the leeches were put on him}}

	Most of the fans have this feeling of "[[Bored\|higher being]]" at Tool concerts, as Maynard is so fucking wasted on [[~~drug\|~~acid]] that he doesn't even realize he's playing a concert and basically just whines random sentences that fans somehow consider ''deep'', despite the blazingly obvious fact that you're more likely to get more meaningful insights on life from a fucking ABBA song than from Tool. The fact that fans also like to think that Tool's lyrics have a deep spiritual meaning which [[Batshit insane\|only they can comprehend]] makes it all the more hilariously pathetic. The truth is, Tool sucks and fans just can't accept that they're all a bunch of whiny, angsty kids.		Most of the fans have this feeling of "[[Bored\|higher being]]" at Tool concerts, as Maynard is so fucking wasted on [[acid]] that he doesn't even realize he's playing a concert and basically just whines random sentences that fans somehow consider ''deep'', despite the blazingly obvious fact that you're more likely to get more meaningful insights on life from a fucking ABBA song than from Tool. The fact that fans also like to think that Tool's lyrics have a deep spiritual meaning which [[Batshit insane\|only they can comprehend]] makes it all the more hilariously pathetic. The truth is, Tool sucks and fans just can't accept that they're all a bunch of whiny, angsty kids.

	Only [[you\|assholes]] listen to Tool.		Only [[you\|assholes]] listen to Tool.

imported>Creathism: /* In Conclusion... */

2018-08-01T01:11:12Z

In Conclusion...

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	Tool is the biggest load of near-but-not-quite-emo bullshit ever, so stay the fuck away.		Tool is the biggest load of near-but-not-quite-emo bullshit ever, so stay the fuck away.

			==Next Album==
			Tool's next album(if it ever comes out) will be shitty just like the rest of the albums, the chances of another Tool album is very minuscule at best. They haven't released an album in over 11 years! [[ lulz \| As of recently there has been a another shitty artist that released a new album named "Tool$" and Google decided to troll the Tool fans by putting that album under the "albums" tab whenever you Google Tool. As you expect, Tool fans got all butthurt.]]

	==See Also==		==See Also==
			*[[Nu metal]] - The shitty poser metal genre which Tool spawned and are a part of
			*[[Trent Reznor]]
	*[[Pretentious]]		*[[Pretentious]]
	*[[Boring]]		*[[Boring]]

imported>DatAss70 at 17:54, 20 February 2013

2013-02-20T17:54:17Z

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imported>DatAss70 at 17:54, 20 February 2013

2013-02-20T17:54:17Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 17:54, 20 February 2013
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imported>DatAss70 at 17:54, 20 February 2013

2013-02-20T17:54:17Z

← Older revision	Revision as of 17:54, 20 February 2013
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imported>DatAss70 at 17:54, 20 February 2013

2013-02-20T17:54:17Z

New page

[[Image:Maynard13.jpg|thumb|Tooltards, behold your god, MJK at his finest.]]
[[Image:TOOL_SKIRT.jpg|thumb|Average Tool <strike>Fan</strike>.]]
'''Tool''' is a favorite of many [[Retard|pseudo-intellectual]] <s>[[teenager]]s</s> (their first album came out in 1991, the band is old as fuck) and [[faggots]]. They're a band which thinks that writing lyrics about [[homosexuality|lachrymology]] makes them artistic. The band, led by [[midget]] Maynard James Keenan, is known for their [[shitty|deep and insightful]] songs about enemas, [[fisting]], Maynard's penis, and being raped in the ass by one's stepfather as a child, as well as their [[Boring|"highly technical"]] instrumentation. On closer examination, Tool's lyrics reveal that the band are really just a bunch of retards who [[TL;DR|read too much]] and should [[shut the fuck up]]. For better or worse, Tool's pretentious literary aspirations have not affected any Tool fans, whose literacy rate remains at a steady zero.

== Musical Style ==
Tool is ultimately another shitty alternative metal band that claims they have "profoundly deep musicianship and songwriting" to prevent people from thinking they suck. WAT RLY MAEKS DEM SPECIAL IS DAT DEY USE SPECUL TIEM SIGNATUREZ TO MAEK ALL DER SONGZ SOUND EXACTLY TEH SAME!!!!!!!! However, when you take away all the progressive breakdowns (aka 8 minutes with only 30 seconds of pretentious substance) they sound exactly like [[Nickelback]]. Tool is also "praised" for their incorporation of visual arts, as if awkwardly slapping stop-motion into videos or shitty 3D into liner notes is something no one's ever done before.

== Fans ==

If you ever see a scraggly [[emo]] reject with a dick wrench shirt on avoid him like the goddamn plague. Alternatively, [[kill it with fire]].

Perhaps the [[fag|faggiest]] aspect of this band is their fanbase, who over-analyze every last lyric or detail about the band ad absurdum, and think Tool members are [[God]]s and Maynard is [[Scientology|an alien that will lead them to salvation]]. Most of the fans are whiny [[angst]]y [[teenager]]s, who are closely related to [[Emo]] kids, but unlike emos, they unfortunately don't try to kill themselves.

{{quote|I threw away all my Tool t-shirts once I saw what kind of people wear them. I'd rather be a registered [[pedophile]] than be associated with those [[Redneck|inbred]], black person pseudo-intellectual losers| Some [[faggot]] reaching enlightement just before the leeches were put on him}}

Most of the fans have this feeling of "[[Bored|higher being]]" at Tool concerts, as Maynard is so fucking wasted on [[drug|acid]] that he doesn't even realize he's playing a concert and basically just whines random sentences that fans somehow consider ''deep'', despite the blazingly obvious fact that you're more likely to get more meaningful insights on life from a fucking ABBA song than from Tool. The fact that fans also like to think that Tool's lyrics have a deep spiritual meaning which [[Batshit insane|only they can comprehend]] makes it all the more hilariously pathetic. The truth is, Tool sucks and fans just can't accept that they're all a bunch of whiny, angsty kids.

Only [[you|assholes]] listen to Tool.

== [[Autistic|Artistic]] Side ==
[[Image:Tooldickwrench.jpg|thumb|They made a wrench look like a dick. Real fucking creative, guys.]]
Tool is usually described as "[[lame|Introvert progressive art-rock]]," or some other meaningless made-up bullshit genre like that. This is only so Tool could pretend it was different from all the other shitty alt-rock bands out there, making them one of the most pretentious bands in existence, and thus quintessential to the genre. For evidence of this, fans often like to point out that the song ''Lateralus'' incorporated numbers of the Fibonacci sequence into the number of syllables of the lyrics or something, further cementing Tool's place in the gimmicky prog-rock "OMG SO DEEP LOL" field of shitty music. The fans freaked out and thought it had some significant meaning, which is pretty [[Lulz|hilarious]], seeing as the Fibonacci sequence has fuckall to do with musical composition. As if some stupid, meaningless lyrical phrasing is going to somehow make the words more meaningful or make the song not suck. Seriously, he could have used numbers from the phone book and it would be the same thing. In the end, Tool proved once more that they are a bunch of pretentious cocksuckers, Maynard's "songs" are shit and their fans are all [[gullible]] idiots.

==Trivia==
[[Image:Tool parabola.jpg|thumb|There's an hour of my life I'll never get back. Good god, this album fucking sucked.]]

*Even Maynard thinks his fans are retards.
*Their drummer is batshit [[insane]].
*The only half-decent band [[80 year old Chinese man in panties|Maynard]] contributed anything to were early 90's musical trolls, Green Jellÿ. Though he was featured in only one song, [[Scientologists|scientists]] theorize this is what lead to the band's breakup.

{{squote|[[Timecube|'''Danny then set up his drums into proportions utilizing the circle and square of the New Jerusalem and uttered a short prayer relating to the principles of the ace of swords from the book of Thoth. He then performed a ritual utilizing his new found knowledge of the unicursal hexagram to generate a pattern of movement in space relating to Fuller's vector equilibrium model. The resulting rhythm and gateway summoned a daemon he has contained within "the Lodge" that has been delivering short parables similar to passages within the Book of Lies''']]|[http://www.toolband.com/identity/danny/main.html LOL WUT]}}

*Hardcore fans have been known to [[fap]] to pictures and videos of Maynard in drag made by the band . This project later became known as "A Perfect Circle."
*There are no female Tool fans, only the occasional [[dickgirl]].
*The only remotely decent thing about tool is their open hatred for the [[anti-lulz]] that is [[Scientology]].

==Videos==
<center>
<big>'''Maynard [[flaming|back in the 80's]]'''</big>
<youtube>jKXr40gl9_k</youtube>
 

<big>'''Maynard Fails It'''</big>
<youtube>qFoWz4fiwCE</youtube>
 

<big>'''Maynard and a fan [[buttsex|fighting]]'''</big>
<youtube>N58FmEhlf7s</youtube>
 

<big>'''Maynard is a butt hump'n [[Heath_Ledger|cowboy]]'''</big>
<youtube>35qnnoFIkJ8</youtube>
 
</center>

==Trolling Tooltards==
[[Image:Myfirstmaynard.gif|thumb|LOL WUT]]

Did you know that [[JewTube]] is a veritable cesspool of Tool fanatics who are easily [[troll|angered]]? It's so easy; [[you|any 'ol fucktard]] can do it[[oneoneone|!!1!11]]. Simply [[copypasta]] your favorite part of the article above into the comments in any [[shit|Tool vidia]] and watch as the lulz come pouring in! Every Tool video on JewTube has [[over 9000]] ratings and ZOMG FIVESTARZZZ no matter how shitty the song or video quality. [[loser|Toolfags]] troll the video messages defending their demi-gods from any and all criticisms, and you can set them off for something as little as making fun of Maynard's shirt or saying the word [[emo]].

[[DO IT FAGGOT]]

==Sample Trolling Copypastas - Use Wisely==

[Click to Collapse Text]
[Click to Expand Text]
0
<div id="vidtwo"><blockquote>
General: 
This shit sucks. The band tries to sound sophisticated and philosophical, but they just come off as pseudo-intellectual retards who read too much and need to shut the fuck up, like every other emo stoner band.

What's worse is the fans, though. They act like Tool is some fucking mana from the heavens when it's really just a bunch of bullshit. There is no meaning to the lyrics; Maynard is just a baked retard who's usually too high on acid to even know he's singing. 
 
Trolling live show videos: 
 
Unlike most of you guys I was actually at this show, and I thought it was really boring. My friend liked it, but of course most tool fans have this feeling of "higher being" at Tool concerts, as Maynard is so fucking wasted on acid that he doesn't even realize he's playing a concert and basically just whines random sentences that fans somehow consider deep. Fans like him also like to think that the lyrics have a deep spiritual meaning only they can comprehend, which is hilariously pathetic. 
 
Fans in general: 
 
You Tool fans are so retarded. You over-analyze every last lyric or detail about the band ad absurdum, and think Tool members are Gods and Maynard is an alien that will lead them to salvation. in reality most of you are whiny angsty teenagers closely related to Emo kids, but are far more retarded, because unlike emo kids, you think you are actually intelligent for listening to Tool, whilst emo kids at least admit they're a bunch of fucktards. 
 
Lateralus videos: 
 
Wow Maynard put the first few numbers of the Fibonacci sequence into the number of syllables in this shitty song. IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF FUCKING NUMBERS! Seriously, he could have used numbers from the phone book and it would have been pretty much the same thing. Tool has proved once again that they are a bunch of pretentious cocksuckers, Maynard's "songs" are shit, and their fans are all gullible idiots</blockquote></div>

==I'm in ur shit band's video...==
{{cg|...trollin' ur d00ds|galleryofbutthurt|center|<gallery>
Image:SoEmotional.jpg|He's right ya know.
Image:Tool lulz 1.GIF|A salvo of faggotry from the tooltards.
Image:Tooltroll2.jpg|thank god they limit responses to 500 characters
Image:Tolltroll6.jpg|Tool fans are racist. Now [[Jam It In|jam fucking packed]] with lulz!
</gallery>|<gallery>
Image:Tooltroll3.jpg|"Back in 93 a lot of us were on acid"
Image:Tooltroll.jpg|Toolfans are familiar with copypasta remixes.
Image:Asortfgt.jpg|Assorted Faggotry. WOW! I guess people who listen to tool really are [[retarded|smart]].
Image:Tooltards1.jpg|Me=WTF
Image:Channelrage.jpg|Butthurt? [[X? In My Y?|In ''my'' JewTube channel?]]
Image:Angry tooltard1.jpg|Oh. So. Angry.
Image:Toolbutthurt.jpg|IS DAT SUM BUTTHURT?
Image:Iknowmjk.jpg|I like seriously know Maynard!1!!11!
Image:Tool's remorse.jpg|An interesting fact about tooltards; they will sometimes troll their own kind.
Image:Spamer1.jpg|Recently, a high level spammer has been roaming YewTube posting "tool sucks" ad infinitum. At first he is welcomed only by 13yr fanboy rage...
Image:Spamer2.jpg|Then teh hXc tooltards enter to show the teenie boppers what REAL tool obsession is by typing tl;dr comments until their fingers bleed.
Image:Moretooltardlulz.png|'he-bitch' is a new one to me.
Image:Idiotcomment79.JPG| STOP WHINING!
Image:Tool1.JPG|Pedowned
Image:Tetchy.gif| CRY SUMMOR!
</gallery>
|}}

==Seven-Step Guide to Making a Tool Album==

*1) Find and scan a bunch of [[LSD|blotter art]]. This will be most of your album art, as well as your cover.
*2) Look some famous [[Pretentious|gimmicky math equations]] up on [[Wikipedia]] and proceed to tell [[13-year-old boy|all of your fans]].
*3) Rip some time signatures from [[Old people|Yes or Rush]], and steal the vocals style of [[faggot|Jethro Tull]].
*4) Whiny, nasal-y vocals about [[Shit nobody cares about|nothing in particular]].
*5) Whatever you do, don't include a track listing on your album like every other fucking band in existence. This is edgy and cool, and people really enjoy not knowing what they're paying for.
*6) [[????]]
*7) [[Profit]]!

==In Conclusion...==

Tool is the biggest load of near-but-not-quite-emo bullshit ever, so stay the fuck away.

==See Also==
*[[Pretentious]]
*[[Boring]]
*[[Angst]]
*[[Dream Theater]]
*[[Leftards]]
*[[Bill Hicks]]
*[[LaraLove]]
*[[Pennywise]]

==Links==
*[http://www.toolband.com Tool's website.] [[Angsty teens]] only! 
*[http://toolnavy.com/ Forum for pretentious Tool discussions.] 
*{{ljcomm|user=tool_lateralus}} Tool LJ community. Naturally, it's full of angsty teens.
*[http://toolshed.down.net/articles/index.php?action=view-article&id=August_2001--Q_Magazine.html An article] where Tool [[lies|deny]] that they have a song called "[[Poop]]y the [[Clown]]".
*Support hating Tool on [http://www.facebook.com/pages/Tool-sucks/127783920600670 facebook].

{{Music}}{{Timeline|Featured article August 16, [[2010]]|[[Taking Down ED]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Ickeriss69]]}}

[[Category:Music]]

Tool - Revision history

imported>IDeserveAnswers at 22:21, 21 May 2023

imported>IDeserveAnswers at 22:21, 21 May 2023

imported>Creathism: /* In Conclusion... */

imported>DatAss70 at 17:54, 20 February 2013

imported>DatAss70 at 17:54, 20 February 2013

imported>DatAss70 at 17:54, 20 February 2013

imported>DatAss70 at 17:54, 20 February 2013